dancer23 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 (edited) So I have been dating this guy since June. My first relationship since I divorced my husband earlier this year. We were married for 6 years. Me and this guy..we said we would take it slow. I wasnt really ready for anything VERY serious, but at the same time I dont do the casual thing. And I told him so. We saw each other about once a week. Both had busy schedules.. He went a whole week w/o calling me and while I didnt freak out, I didnt like it. We dont talk everyday anyway but a whole week? So when we finally talked I told him how I felt sometimes like this was turning into a casual thing and that was not me AGAIN, and he suggested more than once that we leave the sex out and just spend time w/ each other. So I finally put it to the test and threw his suggestion back at him, NICELY, saying that I was feeling like it wasnt a relationship at all and that maybe he was right- that leaving the sex out for now and just focus on spending more time w/ each other would work. he said he didnt have a problem w/ that. It was his birthday the following day so when I left I wished him a Happy Birthday and gave him a simple cared. That was 10 days ago. He has not called me since. So I guess I was being used? Which shocks the hell out of me since I am normally a good judge of character. I texted him last week just saying hello and he never replied. I frequent where we works so I have to see him on Tuesday. If he cares that little about me that he couldnt call I almost feel like I shouldnt bother confronting him. Tho I am VERY hurt. And I feel played like a fool, and angry. I dont know how to get over it. I have never had anyone treat me like I dont matter. How should I handle this? Just delete his number and ignore him when I see him? Edited January 31, 2011 by dancer23
ShatteredReality Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I would say just be casual and act like you're totally fine and not bothered at all by the entire situation. If you don't matter to him then he shouldn't matter to you. You're not his booty call and you've been through too much to bother with a relationship based on guessing games. Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't. He will call you or he won't...at this point I would just act like it he was just any other person, say hi and acknowledge him when you see him, but don't go out of your way to pay him special attention. Also don't go out of your way to ignore him obviously...The anger and pain you feel is normal, however you said yourself you weren't ready for a relationship, so basically at this point, just move forward. If he wants to come to you, let him, and if he does, perhaps take it to the next level and have a real relationship with him...otherwise sounds like it's best to take some time for yourself - get to know you and figure out if this guy is even who you want to be spending your time with or if you're just hanging out with him cause you don't want to be lonely....
Author dancer23 Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Thank you so much for replying to my post. What you've said makes more sense than anything I or anyone else has come up with. And its so simple! Makes total sense to me. I'm giving him too much power by worrying and thinking @ him when I don't appear to mean much to him. So I will do what you've advised - treat him like he's nobody special. Because really, he isn't is he? Thank u for helping me see that!
depplover_1980 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 He's an idiot with an ego and you sound like a great woman. Plenty of men to get through before you'll find what you're looking for again but if you treat it with some guard up you'll survive.
ShatteredReality Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Yay - glad to help! Keep us posted on how things go and how YOU are doing!!
Author dancer23 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 He's an idiot with an ego and you sound like a great woman. Plenty of men to get through before you'll find what you're looking for again but if you treat it with some guard up you'll survive. Aw, thank you for saying that. Im still kinda shock that he never called. He made such a big deal about no matter what happens how he always wants us to be friends and bla bla. Anyway, I never did go by where he works. Just didnt want to see his face. I have to go there eventually, but I didnt the emotional ramifications of seeing him - not just yet. But I look forward to it soon; I want him to look me right in the face and feel like an idiot when I smile and act like he never meant a thing to me.
Author dancer23 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 Yay - glad to help! Keep us posted on how things go and how YOU are doing!! I sure will - thanks again!
Author dancer23 Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Okay so he called 2 days ago; one day shy of two weeks. He left a msg. He CLAIMS his phone has been broken for over a week. That the screen was broken and he could not see who was texting or calling, or view his contacts as a result. So he could only call the ppl whose numbers he knew by heart, which was not many. That he was just calling to touch base, and said more than once that he was 'not sure if I tried texting him'. And coincidentally I DID text him LAST MONDAY and he didn't respond. So him saying he wonders if I tried to text him is suspect, like he is offering up an excuse as to why I didnt hear back from him. All very convenient. Then he said he wanted to see how I was doing. I am an artist and he is helping me w/ some projects so he mentioned his availability and enthusiasm to work with me. Nothing about a date or seeing me. But thats not shocking because he always tries to act like he is not missing me or whatever. He is very guarded w/ his feelings. So how should I proceed? Definitely dont wanna berate him for not calling. Im not in the mood for that. And dont wanna show him how stressed I was. For those who dont know, he told me 2 weeks ago when I questioned the nature of our relationship, that basically I shouldn't be questioning him because ''we are not there yet''. As in, I had no right to be asking all these serious relationship questions and putting him on the spot because we have not established that this is a relationship. At least thats what got from it. Remember, I told him that I dont do casual sex and if this is not a relationship, as he has said, then I dont feel comfortable sleeping with him and wanted to just focus on just being w/ each other and getting to know each other more for now. So I think him calling and offering to help me out and just hang out w/ me is his way of trying to show me that he wants to do what I asked. But it would be nice if he just said that. He is so prideful! I think he was angry he didnt get any, that I took some control over the situation, and was using this time to decide if he wanted to deal w/ me anymore. AND to make me suffer and regain some sense of control by trying to make me chase him. But I didnt - and ultimately he called. Now, what to do??? I havent returned his call and he called again last nite and left another message.
ShatteredReality Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I was out for a few days - sorry - just saw this today! Well I would like to know if you called him or not. I would have called him back, perhaps even arranged a casual get together or something. But you'd have to be strong and stick to your guns about no casual sex....esp if you have already done that with him. Men sometimes hear us say no but they feel like we're somehow saying yes in other ways - our eyes or our tone of voice or however they want to read into it...they always hear what they want in that area, though, so be sure to be clear. If he wants a relationship with you - make him chase you - let him contact you and come after you. You can respond, but let him be the first to call or text...sounds like he's one of those guys who kinda needs the chase...
Author dancer23 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Hes definitely one of those guys! When we started out he told me that he likes to chase. Well I did call him back - two days later. Got his voicemail this time; that was on Saturday. Left him a msg telling him that I wasnt going to be able to get together the day he suggested, but would let him know.. said I hoped he was doing well and left it at that. He didnt call back. Probably because I didnt say the words CALL ME BACK. Im sure he was waiting for a sign that it was okay for him to call or that I was interested. Hes very prideful that way, which may be a sign of his immaturity I think. So I bet now he is all hurt and angry that HE got ignored for two days. Gimme a break. Anyway, I kept my promise and called him again today because I finally have some time to get together w/ him. Left a msg letting him know what days. That was earlier today. So far no return call. Hes an ass. Hes either going to wait until tonite or tomorrow so it doesnt look like he is too eager..or he wont call at all. At this point, dont really care. He is way too much work!
JasonRules Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 @Dancer Not really sure what you would confront him about. You told him you don't want a relationship.
ShatteredReality Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I hear ya...make him work for you now...you get to move forward and if he doesn't work for you, then you can fine someone else who will!
xpaperxcutx Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Wait let me get this straight, you guys are dating but not having sex, but are not on foot to being in a relationship? Hmm... Sounds to me he's window shopping now and dating and sleeping around. Even if there's no sex in your " relationship", wouldn't you think he would be working a little bit harder to get you into bed? After all, it's not even about having sex, if he's sexually attracted to you and want to be with you, he would PURSUE you. Get the drift? Stop chasing him and go NC.
Author dancer23 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Wait let me get this straight, you guys are dating but not having sex, but are not on foot to being in a relationship? Hmm... Sounds to me he's window shopping now and dating and sleeping around. Even if there's no sex in your " relationship", wouldn't you think he would be working a little bit harder to get you into bed? After all, it's not even about having sex, if he's sexually attracted to you and want to be with you, he would PURSUE you. Get the drift? Stop chasing him and go NC. Definitely not chasing him - anymore, if I ever was. What is NC?
ShatteredReality Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 NC is No contact. Best way to get over a person. You cut them completely out of your life...you don't look in on them or Google them or Facebook them or call or text or e-mail....and you don't allow them to do those things with you to the extent you can control.
Author dancer23 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 NC is No contact. Best way to get over a person. You cut them completely out of your life...you don't look in on them or Google them or Facebook them or call or text or e-mail....and you don't allow them to do those things with you to the extent you can control. Well thats basically what it has been like these last few weeks, so that should be easy enough. Thanks
JasonRules Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Maybe he wants a full relationship and doesn't want to be a rebound so he's looking elsewhere. I can't blame the guy in that regard, but I will say he should just come out and tell you like a man "Look, you're nice etc, but I want a relationship and you can't give me that so I'm moving on".
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