dogtown Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I'm 28 and she's 27. We've been dating for 1.5 years. I moved half way across the country to be with her. I have my own apartment and she lives with her parents. She's Hispanic, so family is very important to her. I brought up the idea of her moving out the other day and she got very upset. She claims she needs to save money and that her mother would be heart broken. I'm ok with her living with her parents, but I would like her to eventually move out. She doesn't need to move in with me, but couldn't she get her own apartment? As it stands, she won't even spend the night at my place for fear of offending her parents. I feel like we're a bit old for this. She went to college out of state for four years and then worked out of state for a couple of years after that. We met while doing service work in South America. She has demonstrated the ability to live away from her parents. I don't mind not living with her. I only want to her to move out on her own. At what point would you draw the line? Do I let her go on living with her parents indefinitely?
Macaw Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 If that was all that there is to it, I'd say she simply isn't on the same page that you are in this relationship. You want to take things to the next level, she is confortable where you both are now and wants to keep it that way for a little longer. Either way, I just get the vibe that she's using her parent's as an excuse. She might simply need more time before feeling confortable moving in with you. Personally, I'm a guy and I wouldn't move in with a girl I've been dating for less than 2 years, unless I've known her for longer than that.
Author dogtown Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Personally, I'm a guy and I wouldn't move in with a girl I've been dating for less than 2 years, unless I've known her for longer than that. That's just the thing. I don't want her to move in with me. I just want to her to gain a certain sense of independence and move out of her parents. She can get her own house or apartment. Do you think I should give her a certain timeline? Such as, if you haven't moved out in X months, then this probably is not going to work. And how would I determine the amount of time?
Macaw Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Don't you feel like you're being a little bit too controlling trying to determine how she should live her life? I could sympathize if you wanted her to move in with you, get the relationship to the next level and all that, but do you really want her to be independant for the sake of being independant? You sounded like you were upset in your first post because you can't get her to even spend the night at your house once in a while because she's afraid of upsetting her parents. I do agree that at 27, she's way too old for that. The whole message implied that there were a lot of things you wanted to do with her but she keeps putting her parent's up as an excuse for not doing them, and you only picked the most convincing example of the batch. Putting a timeline or doing threats is going to hurt your relationship greatly over time - the resentment she'll feel will only grow. If I was right on the money, then you should tell her that you feel you're both too old to get your relationship hampered by either of your parents, and tell her what you truly believe it's unacceptable in the relationship (which I'm hoping is the fact she lets her parents get in the way, not the fact that she doesn't want to live on her own), but let she come up with her own solution.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 What are your concerns about her living with her parents? So she can spend the night with you? In what other ways does her living situation impact your relationship? I would suggest that you tell her your concerns, but ultimately you cannot force her to move out of her house if she does not want to. It IS her life, she may not be ready for "independence." I would NOT give her a timeline, that will make her feel pressured. You could set an internal timeline, like if she hasn't moved out of her parents in 6 months, then re-evaluate the relationship. But if you back her into a corner, then she will most likely chose them over you. She obviously doesn't mind living with them at 27 (personally I would go nuts!) so she probably is close to them and feels comfortable living there. Tell her your honest feelings, but also be realistic in teh fact that you cannot control the things she does or force her to move out of her parents if she does not want to.
Author dogtown Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 What are your concerns about her living with her parents? So she can spend the night with you? In what other ways does her living situation impact your relationship? My concerns about her living with her parents? 1) She's 27 and shouldn't be doing that. 2) She has a graduate degree and well paying job. 3) She's lived on her own for 7 years prior to this. 4) I moved half way across the country under the impression that she would get her own place. Ok. Maybe she does want to live with her parents. I can actually deal with it. Don't get it, but I can deal. The real problem is that her mom is interfering in our relationship. "I want to sleep over, but my mom will get upset" or "if I go on this trip with you then I'll have to tell my mom that I'm staying at someone else's house." Seriously? Once other people start interfering in my relationship then I have problem with it. It's a tight rope to walk. I know. I don't want her to offend her family. I totally respect them, but this seems like too much to me. I also don't want to force her to do anything. How do I let the person I care about the most know that what they are doing does not fly with me...and not offend or upset them?
Macaw Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 How do I let the person I care about the most know that what they are doing does not fly with me...and not offend or upset them? Try to rehearse the conversation in your head, make adjustments until you have something that you believe you can say to her without hurting her feelings. You can also try opening a new file in textpad and putting the words down there, then re-reading and rewriting it until it's perfect, then memorize and say it to her.
Recommended Posts