Back Burner Gal Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Holy cow. I feel for this guy at work, but am also sort of stunned. He'd been married for I dunno, ten years or so and divorced in July 2009. There's another lady at work he's know almost ten years and he kind of hung around her while his marriage fell apart (no cheating on either of their parts) confiding in her, and they are now a couple. Hang out at his house 3 times a week or so. Went on a week long vacation together. So that's been about 14/15 months together. He found out last week that she's been stealing from him or trying to get loans in his name or something (not sure of the details) but fraud investigators have been coming to see him, and they showed him the applications where she is using his name and her address or something like that. He doesn't look good, red eyes now, looks stressed and tired, and last week went to the hospital with stomach pains that turned out to be nothing. I don't think he told her (she seems happy and serene), but I'm in HR and he wanted a random criminal history done of her (which we do on employees just like we do drug testing, etc... We catch DUIs and domestic violence and stuff that way). Turns out she has had 7 or so arrests in the past 10 years for id fraud, forgery, credit card theft, that sort of thing, the last being 2 years ago. She also had two arrests for domestic violence against her husband about 8 years ago. The guy looked at it and said, "It can't be her. I know a couple years ago she had some id theft. This must be what is happening, someone did it in her name." Except the fingerprints on the DV charges which he said he already knew about match the ones on the other charges, and the charges go back 10 or more years before her supposed id theft. (She's also had a foreclosure and bankruptcy a couple years back due to her divorce supposedly--so it's not like anyone WANTS her credit). So what's going on? I'd drop a boyfriend like a hot potato if I thought he had a criminal past ESPECIALLY if he was trying to steal from me? What's this guy thinking? He said, "She's been good to me" and he said, "At least it wasn't drugs" and he said, "She's told me everything" (but he didn't know about all the arrests), and he said, "People can change, it's been five years". (no, it's been two years. And he's been told by the banks that she's trying to steal from him. But apparently his sister had a severe drug problem 20 years ago and straightened herself out and now is great). What's this guy thinking? Is he going to come to his senses and put distance between him and her? Or is he going to go all codependent and save her from herself like a lot of women do? I never saw a guy do this. BTW, we work in the casino industry and have to have clean records. I'm not sure how she got hired. But it will hurt his career a bit to hang with her. And he's very ambitious. Is he just shocked and will come to his senses? Would you all continue with a girl like this? She's pretty but this is Vegas--there are ons of pretty women. And he's good looking but I think not so confident with women since he's been off the market so long. He would get snapped up again quick if he wanted too.
Woggle Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Some men seem to enjoy suffering at the hands of an attractive woman and this guy is one example.
sagetalk Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 She's pretty but this is Vegas--there are ons of pretty women. And he's good looking but I think not so confident with women since he's been off the market so long. He would get snapped up again quick if he wanted too. It seems his self esteem and heart have been damaged. It's the same reason people abuse alcohol. They know it will hurt them, but they don't care. It makes them feel good for a few brief moments, so that is worth it to them. If you a religious person, pray for him. These kinds of situations are extremely sad, it's almost as if the person starts to enjoy feeling pain. Most normal, healthy men would launch her in a second. This guy is definitely damaged and hurting.
Lovelybird Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Have you ever watched Original Sin? It is exactly same story as you described here. The man in the movie loved that woman to death, he even wanted to sacrifice his own life for her knowing she steal money from him and cheat on him. The end of the story is that the woman indeed loved him back, but both of them became fraud.
Anxiety Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I think its self-esteem. I've done what he's doing. Nothing like that has happened to me. But, I've been treated badly by a woman and stayed with her because I didn't think I could find anyone else, and I didn't want to be alone.
Author Back Burner Gal Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 I think its self-esteem. I've done what he's doing. Nothing like that has happened to me. But, I've been treated badly by a woman and stayed with her because I didn't think I could find anyone else, and I didn't want to be alone. What finally caused you to leave? Did you really stay just because you feared being alone? He's flirts and hangs around my BFF altho has never asked her out or anything; he seems to admire her and she'd date him in a heartbeat; altho maybe he's not sure of that. And he's got money and status in the corporation, so I'm sure other women would date him too. He's only known about this mess with his girlfriend for about a week. I'm hoping he's just collecting evidence and thinking things over well before making a move. But then when he comes up with, "I think someone stole her indentity", I'm like whoa... get a clue dude.
Lucky_One Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Is this the guy that you like at work, who never asks you out?
Author Back Burner Gal Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Is this the guy that you like at work, who never asks you out? No, this is my uberboss, in my 'chain of command'. He's a nice guy, but I don't have much to do with him. But he's a very easy going division director, gives good raises. The other one is just puzzling, but Carhill's explanation of orbiters seems to fit him. I say let him orbit. There's a lot of Peyton Place where I work. A new story every day.
Anxiety Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 What finally caused you to leave? Did you really stay just because you feared being alone? I didn't leave, she left me...now I'm miserable. She says her past has made her the way she is, growing up with a controlling and abusive stepfather....Now she's the one that is controlling and abusive. She would flip out over the stupidest things...Heaven forbid if I put a dish in the dishwasher "wrong" or if I put my toothbrush in the wrong spot. She was wonderful when she was in a good mood, just those times became less frequent as time went on. I became a doormat, doing whatever she said just trying to make her happy so she wouldn't be mad at me...though I never did anything to justify how she treated me...I never once even raised my voice to her. We were together for 13 months, I wasn't happy the last 5 months...but I was happier with her than I am now without her. I had gone 10 years without a date before I met her...it will probably be another 10 years till I get another one, since I'm a "social retard" as she so kindly called me.
Woggle Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 In time you will realize she did you a huge favor by leaving you. Why is it that women like this always have men ready to bend over backwards for them yet they don't appreciate one bit? It truly makes me understand why some men just become players.
dispatch3d Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 It's definitely a self-esteem thing. He doesn't think he can do better. He ended up with a girl who clearly uses people, and is probably a huge narcissist (and good at hiding it). She's probably very intelligent and excellent at manipulating people as well. So idk, the girl is better at manipulation than you are, so you can't expect him to listen to you over her. He does need to get out of that situation though, for his own well-being. I'm not sure what you can do to help him with that. That person is absolute poison, and could easily become his downfall.
welikeincrowds Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I think it's even more layered and fraught than has been suggested so far. This woman was a source of emotional and romantic support during his divorce, no? Imagine if that person betrayed your trust as she had. You would lose trust in yourself.
Author Back Burner Gal Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) I think it's even more layered and fraught than has been suggested so far. This woman was a source of emotional and romantic support during his divorce, no? Imagine if that person betrayed your trust as she had. You would lose trust in yourself. Hmmm, that might be sort of it. Today the second part of her background check came in and it was worse than the first. Last week he wanted to see it as soon as it came in. I showed it too him late yesterday afternoon. He looked at the first page, and then refused to look at the rest. He didn't need too he said--she had told him everything. She changed. She had had it hard: of course she was arrested for domestic violence, she beat up her husband's girlfriend. Everyone does stuff during divorces. He looked at me and said, "You've been divorced, you know" (well, I didn't beat up anyone, and if I had it would have been the husband not the girlfriend). The print out had buttons where if you were on the printer you could push them to see the mug shots. He wanted to see those pictures. Obviously he couldn't. So he wouldn't look at the report. He said he knew everything because she'd told him. But I looked at the whole report and knew from the things he said he didn't know a couple important things--like she'd stolen over 5000 from her own family member. He said that he'd checked her out before they started dating, he was always security conscious and careful and he'd made dam sure she was ok. And she wouldn't dare mess with him because he knew people. And then this guy in a business suit started talking about the biker guys he'd hung out with years ago, the murderous kind and how nobody ever better double cross him. He then said he'd gotten his identity stolen this week, someone had tried to open joint account with him and her--and SHE was the one who got the verification call from the bank and called and told him immediately. So he knew it wasn't her. They BOTH made police reports and the county police thought it was from a vacation they took over Xmas vacation. (and maybe it was). He said someone was setting him up and he was going to find out who and expose him. Nothing was going to stop him from finding out what was really going on. You'd think a guy who made it such a point that he checked out people would be glad of official verification. But he wouldn't even look in the direction of the report. Last time I talked to him, he was sure it wasn't her. Now he knows it was, but she's changed. Also he said SHE was the one who told him about the fraud in his name, when I know at least 2 fraud investigators beat her to it. Also, I found his reaction a little unnerving. Edited February 1, 2011 by Back Burner Gal
Cee Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Sounds like he had an emotional affair to get out his marriage and now he doesn't want to break out of this current relationship. If he were to end it with her, he'd be forced to be alone and face his demons. If he doesn't get out fast, the new GF is going to leave him a bigger wreck than his divorce did. I've been through this stuff myself and there is no easy solution. What I did was detach from my stealing and cheating ex and seek professional help. It took years for me to recover, but I did and I am very happy now. I suggest having detachment with this friendship. If you move too close, he might start asking you to be an emotional crutch.
Author Back Burner Gal Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 I'm not his friend, just an underling. But he's always been so controlled and has always played his cards close to his chest. So this reaction was odd. I hope it was caused by the hotel or something when they went on vacation, and not by her. It could be that way. It was weird how he didn't want to look at the papers. You'd think if he really believed she was innocent, he'd look to find a discrepancies. And if he thought she was guilty, he'd want to know if what she'd told him matched the record. That was the part he didn't want to know--if what she told him matched the record.
PeachyPink Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Why is he using work resources to investigate someone for personal reasons? Can't he be fired for that? Can YOU be fired using employer resources to help him investigate a personal problem? I'd steer clear just for that reason. He probably was and is more involved with her than he's led you to believe. Still, it's a mess I'd advise against further involvement.
Author Back Burner Gal Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 No, I guess it's okay. We do do random background checks on employees. She was in a batch and he's allowed to order them. I don't know that I was involved except I was following a legitimate work request and in the office when he looked at these and got all reactive. It struck me as a weird reaction, verging on paranoid the way he went on about being set up and under surveillance. I hope he calms down. I don't care if he stays or leaves, but it was unnerving to watch him these last two times over this. The first time he was pretty sure it was a mistake and it wasn't her, but the second time he knew it was her, but thought she'd changed and was reliable now because she told him everything--but he didn't want verification one way or another. I suppose that's progress. Going from thinking she's innocent to acknowledging she's a bit guilty but changed. We have to shred the reports after 24 business hours (3 days) unless we file action against against the employee. So they will be shredded tomorrow and he will have lost the opportunity to look at them. They stay in my safe. He can't look at them without me knowing.
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