Miss_G Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 My ex and I have had a rocky break-up. We've been off, on, fell out amongst each other parents along with other things. We've both been told that the other has been seeing others. We both say we haven't (I know I haven't and I believe he's not). We have a child and I recently had quite a big upset with his dad (read my old posts for the full story!) and after lots of arguements, disagreements and aggression from his family I told ex that I didn't want to just 'hand' our child over. I don't trust his family to not 'take over' and do things I don't want them to do. They're quite controlling people. I didn't want ex to stop seeing the baby though. My son loves his dad and obviously his dad loves him. So, in order to avoid his parents 'taking over', I have been meeting up with ex to do things with the baby together. Ex was upset at first and felt like he was being 'supervised'. But after he calmed down we had a nice day out together last week. Ex has told me that he doesn't think we can make things better in our relationship. However, we had a lovely day, and I actually thought maybe he would be feeling like me and realise what a wonderful relationship we had despite the problems. We went out again today alone with our child. We had a GREAT day. So much fun and laughter and our son was in his element being with his parents again. I thought maybe ex would have noticed and be feeling as positive as I did. I randomly asked if anything had changed. He said 'no' and we'd 'already decided' that we weren't going to be together. I was GUTTED!! I text ex and asked if we could chat. He said that was absolutely fine and we have had a long chat this evening. Basically, he says he doesn't want a relationship FULL STOP. Not with anyone. He said he has been with no one. He says he still loves me. I asked if it was just as a friend and he said he loves me so so so much and is still in love with me but can't handle a relationship at the moment. He said he thinks he's having a breakdown (he laughed when he said it but I do wonder...) He says he could wake up tomorrow, two weeks, two years and realise that he does want to be with me...equally he may never. He says he wants us to stay friends (he was my BEST friend before we got together and I have a HUGE void without him in my life). He says he's still attracted to me and cares deeply for me. We are due to go out again this week so he can see our child. He says he'd still like to go out together and is enjoying the time we spend together. I am, however, absolutely soul destroyed!! I sort of 'knew' but when they don't actually say it you can convince yourself otherwise. I now just feel utterly miserable. I love him so badly. He knows this and says he apologises if he's ever given me false hope. I don't know what to do now. I have this feeling I will move on and he will come back and it will be too late, a real shame for our child. Is he just trying to keep me 'sweet' and soften the blow? I just feel heartbroken. So upset! I just can't believe our wonderful relationship has come to this. How do I cope seeing him next week?????
Author Miss_G Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Anybody at all?? I feel so depressed and down. Just need some advice and encouragement or just someone to talk to!
SimonSerenade Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 That seem's like a total head f*ck to me, I'm sure he don't mean to make you feel this way though, I know what your going through though, I went through a phase of being friends with my ex for our son's sake, Took me a month until I realised I just couldn't do it, We were getting on great and we had some good chats when I'd go round in the week to see our son, In the end she just wound up taking me for granted and started being a bitch so had to cut contact. If I hadn't of cut contact I wouldn't of been able to cope or heal from the break up, I still haven't and don't plan on ever talking to her until I feel 100% over her and that's a long long time off. You don't have to settle for friendship though, Let him know it's all or nothing and find another arrangement for him to see his child, If not it'll take a lot longer for you to heal, Friendship should be on the cards for you one day but only when your ready, Any kind of contact before that which don't concern the child will only hurt you more and more until the point where it's an endless circle of pain, Forget the mixed signals he's giving you, The only thing that should make your head turn right now is him saying "I want to be with you", If he can't say that then he just isn't your time or love. You clearly value this relationship hence why your on this site asking for advice but if he don't feel the same then the only thing you can do is walk away and hope it brings him back, It sounds to me like he needs to grow up, My ex is the same, She states she's happier alone and just hasn't got it in her for a relationship with anybody, That to me is quite a childish attitude towards something meaningful especially when there throwing away a family. My advice is sit him down and talk to him about it next week, Be strong and let him know you mean business, Keep your self worth and make your feelings clear to him, If he can run the risk of losing you then he clearly don't deserve you, I just hope for you and your child's sake that time brings him back.
love is dangerous Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 he probably does love you but you have to go no contact if he is to realise this and he will, make him miss you if your being his friend he cant and you may even slip back into to **** buddies which means he will never get back in a relationship with you .just break up contact or limited contact in only speaking about your child , hell soon miss you and want to be in a relationship with you again . otherwise hell probably just keep you as a back up . you have to be strong and do not contact , think of it as the bigger cause, dont be his friend it never works.
Author Miss_G Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 I have to meet with him 3 times this week though! Should I just keep strong, not mention us and keep my distance slightly. I decided that once he has sorted arrangements about seeing the baby with his parents I was going to back off and make NC then. I was just going to tell him that I can't be friends with him and need to see him no more if we are to split fully. Hopefully, he will come round but I can't see a happy ending to this and it really breaks my heart...
SimonSerenade Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 If you ask me your appearing a tad on the weak side in front of him and though he ain't with you, He's getting the best of both worlds, You need to put your foot down and go cold turkey, That's the only way he'll ever miss you, How could he miss you if your so available to him all the time?. I know it's hard and the most heart breaking for you is that you have a family and it's falling apart but that's not your doing, You didn't end it, Maybe one day in the future you'll get your chance to be all and more again but for now this is the card you've been dealt, You just never know any more, The way I see it is if he left he can come back, Just because you don't expect it don't mean it won't happen, After all, You never expected him to leave did you?.
lululucy Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I think LC is the solution for you. You obviously will have to talk to him to sort out things with your son, but your contact needs to be limited to making arrangements for him. Don't do any more of these "happy family" days, they are only heart-breaking for you and he gets to play daddy while not having the label. Nothing has changed for him, he still has the emotional connection and support, just no requirement to give anything back to you. You deserve more than that. I know it's hard to lose your best friend like that but unless he misses you, he won't see what he's lost. And unless you go NC/LC, you won't be able to get over him. Either way, it's the solution and things will only get better.
Author Miss_G Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Thanks for the advice! Its helping me to try and keep a strong head. The reason why I would like to spend a little more friendly time with him is to reconnect. When we split up he had a very low opinion of me and could only see me as the cow I was behaving like. Now that we are having fun once again and getting some friendship back I hope that when I do cut contact I will leave a loving happy and caring impression on him and he will miss me when I am gone. He is much nicer to me at the minute, obv because he has life easy. I don't want to hurt him but I want him to remember how good we had it together
Lauriebell82 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Thanks for the advice! Its helping me to try and keep a strong head. The reason why I would like to spend a little more friendly time with him is to reconnect. When we split up he had a very low opinion of me and could only see me as the cow I was behaving like. Now that we are having fun once again and getting some friendship back I hope that when I do cut contact I will leave a loving happy and caring impression on him and he will miss me when I am gone. He is much nicer to me at the minute, obv because he has life easy. I don't want to hurt him but I want him to remember how good we had it together Can you handle being "just friends" with him? I think you want the family days in hopes he realize what he lost and change his mind. With that motivation, you may end up wasting precious time for nothing. It seems like you guys DO get along better as friends, so if that's the case then I think you should just do that. HOWEVER, friends do not say they are in love with each other or that they are attracted to one another. If you are going to go the "friend route" (for the sake of your son) then you need to leave it platonic. No more declarations of love. Can you do that? If not, then the family days will need to end, and contact will need to be restricted to making arrangments for him to spend time with your son ALONE. That will be the only way you can stay sane and move on with your life.
Author Miss_G Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 I can't handle just being friends with him. Our "friends" boat has sailed. I was his friend before we got together and when we did get together I told him we could never just be friends again. But for this week and this week only hopefully I will have to see him because we are in the process of sorting his visitation out with his family. Once that is done I will cut all contact with him and go LC only for our son. When I say I hope it'll make him realise is because I want to leave on a good note. I want him be feeling close, having a laugh and whip it away like he did to me. That is when I realised how important he was. I am NOT going to be 'his friend'. I've told him that is too hard. I feel he is under the illusion he can keep me as a friend but I will make it clear to him that once visitation is sorted there will be no more 'family days'. Do you think that's a good idea??
Author Miss_G Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 So I went out with ex today. Again, we had a great day, truly enjoyable! Ex made a couple of comments, one being that he was not seeing someone else. He received a phone call and denied it. I believe it was probably his dad, not my biggest fan. For once I was accepting of the split and said that if his call was someone he was dating that he could take it and I didn't mind. He just said: "stop it". I replied "what you do is none of my business". He again told me to stop it maintaining he has been with no one. He also made a joke that I was butting in on his time with our son. I pretending to cry jokingly to which he desperately made an effort to say that he was kidding and he liked me being there. I also mentioned our friends engagement party in two weeks. He got to know my friends fiance well. He asked so many questions, time, date, place, that I eventually said "you come with me if you like". He said "ill see if I'm not working and let you know". I would have thought this was intimate, after all they are my friends. He also suggested we go on more days out even as soon as tomorrow. I mentioned renting a home for me and baby to which he said "no, don't do that". I don't know why...am I reading too much into it or is there ANY hope????
Lauriebell82 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Your last two posts completely contradicted each other. First you say that you aren't going to be friends with him, now you are agreeing to go on more "day dates" and inviting him to parties. Break off any plans with him and do LC for your son. No more parties, day dates, anything. You can't be around him, as you are too tempted to "be friends" or whatever you want to call it. He likes to play mind games with you also, to which you cannot resist. Don't let him do this to you, stand strong!! No more day dates!!!!!!
Author Miss_G Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 I have to see him for the next week at least as we are mediating visitation for his family. The family days out are so he can see our child whilst we do so. This is something I can't get out of. I have tried to stay withdrawn when we do go out but always end up being friendly. I do plan on going LC once mediation is done as I don't want him thinking he has the perfect set up. I want him to realise what he is giving up and losing. I'm just worried of doing anything final if I feel like there's a spark still there. I'm trying to handle the meetings maturely but its killing me!!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I have to see him for the next week at least as we are mediating visitation for his family. The family days out are so he can see our child whilst we do so. This is something I can't get out of. I have tried to stay withdrawn when we do go out but always end up being friendly. I do plan on going LC once mediation is done as I don't want him thinking he has the perfect set up. I want him to realise what he is giving up and losing. I'm just worried of doing anything final if I feel like there's a spark still there. I'm trying to handle the meetings maturely but its killing me!! If he thought there was a spark then he would be with you..and he isn't. Waiting around to see if he wants to start things up is going to drive you nuts! Why do you have to see your child together? Most couples who are split up share custody and do not see them together. I think you could get out of these mediation/family visitation days if you really wanted to, but you don't because you think he will come back to you. I hope you get to the point where you are just sick of the head games and finally cut the cord with him. I don't think you will get over him if you don't.
Author Miss_G Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 At the start, and your right, I probably could have gotten out of the meeting. However, before agreeing to the terms, I still believed there was a chance we could get back together. Ex only told me about 'not wanting a relationship' AFTER we'd agreed. His parents are not to be alone with our child or be with him without me there at this moment in time. If I was to give him to my ex to take away, his parents would show up, invited or not invited. And, obviously, if they are begging to see him, I feel my ex would cave. We are in the process of trying to sort out an agreement between me and his parents so that I feel comfortable with ex taking son off me for the day, etc. Like I said, these meetings are not permanant. My ex seems to want to keep doing them. I mentioned yesterday that we needed to sort things out so we didn't have to keep meeting up and I could move on and he said that he was happy to keep doing it. This, I feel, is so he can "have his cake and eat it" as he clearly enjoys spending time with me. I have stressed to him that these meetings won't continue and keep pushing him to communicate with his parents so we can stop them. I appreciate what you say. I won't be able to get over him by keeping seeing him. And, like my last post, I am clearly reading too much into things. Hopefully, by the end of the week, these meetings will be over and I will see him only to pass over our son. That is what I would ideally like as I feel this will be the only way to get him to miss me enough to come back. And if he does not, this is the only way I will get over him. At least this way, my lasting impression is a fun and happy one. When we first broke up he had this fixed impression of me being a cow (which I was) and therefore the idea of coming back was hell. He was just glad to be away from the 'monster' he thought I was. He apologised to me yesterday and told me I was not a monster like he said and that I was a good person. Hopefully I can sort things out with him soon and get on with the heartbreak that is NC although seeing him is helping to stop the upset of him not being with me I realise it is no good for me as I will get my hopes up and he will suddenly come back and say "btw, I have a girlfriend now!" For the few meetings we have left I am taking a step back and thinking of him only as a friend and nothing more.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 At the start, and your right, I probably could have gotten out of the meeting. However, before agreeing to the terms, I still believed there was a chance we could get back together. Ex only told me about 'not wanting a relationship' AFTER we'd agreed. His parents are not to be alone with our child or be with him without me there at this moment in time. If I was to give him to my ex to take away, his parents would show up, invited or not invited. And, obviously, if they are begging to see him, I feel my ex would cave. We are in the process of trying to sort out an agreement between me and his parents so that I feel comfortable with ex taking son off me for the day, etc. Like I said, these meetings are not permanant. My ex seems to want to keep doing them. I mentioned yesterday that we needed to sort things out so we didn't have to keep meeting up and I could move on and he said that he was happy to keep doing it. This, I feel, is so he can "have his cake and eat it" as he clearly enjoys spending time with me. I have stressed to him that these meetings won't continue and keep pushing him to communicate with his parents so we can stop them. I appreciate what you say. I won't be able to get over him by keeping seeing him. And, like my last post, I am clearly reading too much into things. Hopefully, by the end of the week, these meetings will be over and I will see him only to pass over our son. That is what I would ideally like as I feel this will be the only way to get him to miss me enough to come back. And if he does not, this is the only way I will get over him. At least this way, my lasting impression is a fun and happy one. When we first broke up he had this fixed impression of me being a cow (which I was) and therefore the idea of coming back was hell. He was just glad to be away from the 'monster' he thought I was. He apologised to me yesterday and told me I was not a monster like he said and that I was a good person. Hopefully I can sort things out with him soon and get on with the heartbreak that is NC although seeing him is helping to stop the upset of him not being with me I realise it is no good for me as I will get my hopes up and he will suddenly come back and say "btw, I have a girlfriend now!" For the few meetings we have left I am taking a step back and thinking of him only as a friend and nothing more. Okay, so you don't trust your ex to keep his parents away? Personally I think there is a bigger problem if you don't trust him to do what's in the best interest of your son. And if you leave this up to him, he will keep taking advantage of you. What about drawing up a legal custody agreement. I have no idea what all that entails, but you can take preventative measures to keep his parents away. I think this is the only real leverage he has over you right now and he will milk it as much as he possibly can. If you have to go to a few meetings, don't even talk to him or treat him as a friend. It will be hard for you to do that and he knows that. He sounds very manipulative. He knows how to play the game. So don't let him.
Jdw_Icequeen Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Well he obviously still has feelings for you and enjoys spending time with you.. Its truly sad that even though he feels that way he dosen't seem interested in getting back together at this point. Point blank your decision is keep doing as your doing hoping he will decide to come back.. Knowing full well he is getting the best of both worlds.. Meaning you and his single life.. If he dosen't want you back and you keep doing it.. Stuck at square one where you are right now. Its definetly a big risk to take. The other is LC, you will obviously have to keep in contact for your son. I am not going to get down on you for spending time with him and then being heartbroken.. Yes your doing it to yourself, but I can understand why.. No one can ultimatley tell you what is best or right for you.. All we can do is give the advice pushing you in the right direction. At this point he is sending so many mixed signals your head must be spinning.. So do what you have to do, what is meant to be will be. Good luck!!
Recommended Posts