I care about you, but I don't think I love you anymore

[4wat]

Let me start by saying I doubt I am thinking about any of this rationally yet. I am lost, hurt, confused, and internally desperately clawing for a solution. I am trying not to show my wife that desperation... I'm afraid that would only make things worse. At this point I can't stop thinking about anything else though, so I'm not sure how well I'm doing with the hiding it part. My wife has been my best friend since before we were married, and has been the only person I have felt as though I could confide in for many, many years. What I desperately need now is my best friend to pour my heart out to... but that can't be.

 

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have two teen aged sons together. We have always been there for one another (or at least I thought we had been). Last week though, she told me that she doesn't love me anymore. She told me she cares for me deeply, loves spending time with me, and has fun being with me. She just doesn't feel as though she is in love with me anymore. She told me how horrible this makes her feel, because she knows how much I love her. She said she feels as though something is missing for her, that she doesn't want to live the rest of her life without loving someone as deeply as I love her. I'm not sure if that last part was supposed to make me feel better, but it felt more like being stabbed with a shard of broken glass. What I heard was "Not only don't I love you anymore, but I want to find someone else."

 

To make matters worse, my wife is in Afghanistan right now and won't be home until November. We are both Nurses in the U.S. Army. I don't think her intention was to tell me her feelings from half way around the world, but that is how I got the news. She has been able to Skype home every day or two (and still is). Anyway, I was picking up an odd feeling from her, so I asked three little words... "Are we o.k.?" She hesitated, then poured it all out. She told me she had been feeling this way for a long while, and was hoping she would feel different with our forced separation; she hadn't though. I sat there... crushed. I confessed my love for her, told her how I was feeling... all the while thinking my reaction couldn't be helping and knowing that it was probably just making the situation worse.

 

Currently she is telling me she doesn't want to make a final decision until she comes home in 10 months. But she has also laid out a plan; she doesn't want to file for anything until our assignment here is over, and we have moved to our next duty station (about 5 months after she returns). This way we are both still around our boys for a few additional years.

 

I asked if she is willing to try and save our relationship... if she is willing to see a councilor with me when she gets back. She has told me she is willing to, but when I ask if she wants to she won't answer me. This makes me believe she is only trying to ease my pain.

 

Looking in retrospect I probably shouldn't have felt so blindsided. I can think of 2 other times over the past 5 years when she told me she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore or not. Within a few days though, she would tell me how much I meant to her, that she did love me, and that she was sorry for saying what she had. I think I wanted so much to believe in that reciprocated love that I just let it go... I shouldn't have.

 

I don't want to come across as blameless in this situation. I know I am not. Have I ever been physical with my wife... absolutely not. Have I ever been verbally abusive... no. Have I been emotionally absent... never. What I have done though is been to emotionally dependant on her. I have based my entire life around her. In short, I have probably driven her away by not giving her enough space.

 

To tell you the truth, I'm not completely sure why I am writing this post. Probably just to vent and get my feelings off my chest before they eat away at me. I don't know if my marriage is doomed to fail at this point... I pray it isn't. I don't know if it is possible for my wife to fall back in love with me... or if she even wants to. I don't know a lot of things. I guess maybe I am hoping someone out there does though.

 

Thanks for listening

[Guilt Ridden]

Let me start by saying I doubt I am thinking about any of this rationally yet. I am lost, hurt, confused, and internally desperately clawing for a solution. I am trying not to show my wife that desperation... I'm afraid that would only make things worse. At this point I can't stop thinking about anything else though, so I'm not sure how well I'm doing with the hiding it part. My wife has been my best friend since before we were married, and has been the only person I have felt as though I could confide in for many, many years. What I desperately need now is my best friend to pour my heart out to... but that can't be.

 

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have two teen aged sons together. We have always been there for one another (or at least I thought we had been). Last week though, she told me that she doesn't love me anymore. She told me she cares for me deeply, loves spending time with me, and has fun being with me. She just doesn't feel as though she is in love with me anymore. She told me how horrible this makes her feel, because she knows how much I love her. She said she feels as though something is missing for her, that she doesn't want to live the rest of her life without loving someone as deeply as I love her. I'm not sure if that last part was supposed to make me feel better, but it felt more like being stabbed with a shard of broken glass. What I heard was "Not only don't I love you anymore, but I want to find someone else."

 

To make matters worse, my wife is in Afghanistan right now and won't be home until November. We are both Nurses in the U.S. Army. I don't think her intention was to tell me her feelings from half way around the world, but that is how I got the news. She has been able to Skype home every day or two (and still is). Anyway, I was picking up an odd feeling from her, so I asked three little words... "Are we o.k.?" She hesitated, then poured it all out. She told me she had been feeling this way for a long while, and was hoping she would feel different with our forced separation; she hadn't though. I sat there... crushed. I confessed my love for her, told her how I was feeling... all the while thinking my reaction couldn't be helping and knowing that it was probably just making the situation worse.

 

Currently she is telling me she doesn't want to make a final decision until she comes home in 10 months. But she has also laid out a plan; she doesn't want to file for anything until our assignment here is over, and we have moved to our next duty station (about 5 months after she returns). This way we are both still around our boys for a few additional years.

 

I asked if she is willing to try and save our relationship... if she is willing to see a councilor with me when she gets back. She has told me she is willing to, but when I ask if she wants to she won't answer me. This makes me believe she is only trying to ease my pain.

 

Looking in retrospect I probably shouldn't have felt so blindsided. I can think of 2 other times over the past 5 years when she told me she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore or not. Within a few days though, she would tell me how much I meant to her, that she did love me, and that she was sorry for saying what she had. I think I wanted so much to believe in that reciprocated love that I just let it go... I shouldn't have.

 

I don't want to come across as blameless in this situation. I know I am not. Have I ever been physical with my wife... absolutely not. Have I ever been verbally abusive... no. Have I been emotionally absent... never. What I have done though is been to emotionally dependant on her. I have based my entire life around her. In short, I have probably driven her away by not giving her enough space.

 

To tell you the truth, I'm not completely sure why I am writing this post. Probably just to vent and get my feelings off my chest before they eat away at me. I don't know if my marriage is doomed to fail at this point... I pray it isn't. I don't know if it is possible for my wife to fall back in love with me... or if she even wants to. I don't know a lot of things. I guess maybe I am hoping someone out there does though.

 

Thanks for listening

 

Sounds like your a good guy, and it must of been gut wrenching for your wife to utter those words to you. Hang in there tight. Get yourselves to Individual Counselling to sort through your feelings... then see if there is room for "Couples Counselling".

 

And yes, I truly believe that she can fall back in love all over again. It will take work and openmindedness on both of your parts but if your willing to roll up your sleeves.... it will all be worth it.

[Albertan]

I hope you feel better after writing and sharing.......I know I sure do when I put my feelings down on virtual paper. Your circumstances are really difficult with her being away until November leaving you to sit and stew with your own thoughts and fears. I cannot even begin to imagine what you're going through.

 

The obvious question here, is there any possibility of another guy being in the picture?

 

A couple of things that stand out about what you wrote was that she says she a) cares deeply for you and b) enjoys spending time with you. That there is a good sign. After 17 years of marriage, I don't think anyone can expect to feel that "puppy love" people do the first few years of a relationship and the honeymoon period after a wedding. I blame Hollywood and trashy novels to some extent because you watch these movies and they portray unrealistic situations where people fall madly in love and keep that feeling forever. Life is not like that. Life is hard and being in a long term, committed marriage with someone is even harder. What is it with men and women alike, so willing to throw marriage away so easily? Especially after 10/20/30 years?

 

Advice: Right now she is calling the shots. Only you know what the dynamic of your marriage is like but you need to figure out why and where this is coming from. Is there discontent? Is there another guy? Have you simply drifted apart? Is this a cry for help, for you to show how much you love and care for her? Only you can decide that. You need to start planning for the worst as well as hoping for the best. Start working on your finances, get some legal advice and make sure at the end of the day you protect yourself as well as doing whats right for your kids. You also need to make a decision what you want. If she wants out at the end of the day you cannot do anything about that but perhaps you can show her what she'll be missing. Work out more, start doing stuff for yourself more and remind yourself and her what you were like in the early days and why you originally got married. It's all to easy to forget the good times and concentrate on the negative.

Whatever way it works hope....keep us posted!

[4wat]

It does feel better to write and know someone, somewhere is listening... Thank you.

 

Is there another man in the picture? I honestly don't know. I don't think there is, but I don't know. When she said she wanted to stay together until we moved I had asked her if her intention was to see other men during that time. Her only answer to that was saying it wasn't about other men.

 

I am trying to do things that make me happy right now, but to be honest, we shared everything. I love diving and have been trying to get more dives in, but even then I find things I end up wishing she was there to share with.

 

Thanks for the advice. You are right, aside from trying to take my mind off of it and maybe seeing an individual councilor, there realy isn't much I can do. The ball realy is in her court.

[robf1971]

. What I have done though is been to emotionally dependant on her.

 

You gotta stop that

[robf1971]

. What I have done though is been to emotionally dependant on her. I have based my entire life around her.

 

She's lost respect for you, getting that back is key. Only then can she love you.

[skywriter]

4wat,

 

welcome and I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

My ex-H told me he didn't love me anymore four months before our 17th yr together.

 

I won't compare my situation to yours, as they are all different.

 

I tried to get my ex to go to counselling, he wasn't hearing it.

 

I tried changing, he didn't even notice.

 

The only thing I know to say to you is, what I eventually learned from my own experience.

 

You can't change others, they have to want it. They're hearts have to be into it. Otherwise you're kicking a dead horse.

[skywriter]

...and another thing, please don't blame yourself.

 

I did that too and eventually I realised it wasn't me.

 

People grow and change throughout life, and it's sometimes together and unfortunantly others grow apart.

[robf1971]

I tried changing, he didn't even notice.

 

.

 

Don't change for her, change for yourself.

[robf1971]

she told me that she doesn't love me anymore. She told me she cares for me deeply, loves spending time with me, and has fun being with me. She just doesn't feel as though she is in love with me anymore. She told me how horrible this makes her feel, because she knows how much I love her. She said she feels as though something is missing for her, that she doesn't want to live the rest of her life without loving someone as deeply as I love her.

 

Classic walk away wife (WAW) script. Fact is she can smell the desperation coming off you. You've known for a couple of years that things have been off and you've become clingy, possesive and weak. It's not your fault, this is what happens often. Men become too doormatish, women don't respect that, I mean we all want to please our wives right?

[skywriter]

No, don't change for her, of course, change for yourself.

 

Which is what I did , particularly, once my exH removed himself from what was "our" home.

 

Then I was able to focus on myself and our two kids.

 

It's all a process 4wat.

 

As for the "doormat", I think it goes both ways, male of females can become a doormat.

 

It seems from your post you have a good understanding of your situation, and are doing very well.

[4wat]

With the exception of of growing emotionaly dependant on someone else, I am happy with the person I am. Could I stand to lose 10-20 lbs., sure. I have felt for a long while now that I needed to get back to being more independant. When I think about it, with my wife being overseas I am actually in a pretty good position. Trying to find the silver lining here. I am here alone... what better opportunity to re-define who I am and get back to a point where I am not relying on someone else so much.

 

Thanks for the straight forward advice Rob. I have instinctively known what you are saying to be true for some time now. Hearing someone else say it so directly is a big help.

[4wat]

Skywriter,

 

I think I am doing fine, and thanks for the advice. I am not blaming myself; I think there has been fault on both sides of our marriage. I think I need to take the next ten months and work on who I am until I am happy with that person. When my wife comes home she can choose to like that person or not. Regardless though, I will be happy with myself.

 

I can't believe how much help it is just to sit a write what I am feeling and thinking.

[robf1971]

what better opportunity to re-define who I am and get back to a point where I am not relying on someone else so much.

.

 

this is KEY....

[Owl]

I'm going to caution you...what you got is a slightly re-worded version of the "ILYBNILWY speech".

 

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

 

I got a modified version too, and right around the 17 year mark as well.

 

This is nearly always code for "I met someone else, and I'm exploring a relationship with him.".

 

Seriously...my recommendation starts with start snooping and find out for sure...I'd bet you a beer you're going to find that she has been seeing/talking with someone else. Check her phone/email/IM...odds are huge that you're going to find a crazy amount of communication with someone...another man.

 

Once you find that, you can confront her and get the truth out there.

 

In the meantime, you can also start working on yourself.

 

Do some search for the "180 plan" you see around here. Do some critical looking at yourself, see what you've been messing up with in your relationship, and start fixing those things...and above all, find out for sure on the cheating.

 

Like I said...I'd bet a beer you'll find something with just a bit of digging.

[hopesndreams]

Let me start by saying I doubt I am thinking about any of this rationally yet. I am lost, hurt, confused, and internally desperately clawing for a solution. I am trying not to show my wife that desperation... I'm afraid that would only make things worse. At this point I can't stop thinking about anything else though, so I'm not sure how well I'm doing with the hiding it part. My wife has been my best friend since before we were married, and has been the only person I have felt as though I could confide in for many, many years. What I desperately need now is my best friend to pour my heart out to... but that can't be.

 

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have two teen aged sons together. We have always been there for one another (or at least I thought we had been). Last week though, she told me that she doesn't love me anymore. She told me she cares for me deeply, loves spending time with me, and has fun being with me. She just doesn't feel as though she is in love with me anymore. She told me how horrible this makes her feel, because she knows how much I love her. She said she feels as though something is missing for her, that she doesn't want to live the rest of her life without loving someone as deeply as I love her. I'm not sure if that last part was supposed to make me feel better, but it felt more like being stabbed with a shard of broken glass. What I heard was "Not only don't I love you anymore, but I want to find someone else."

 

To make matters worse, my wife is in Afghanistan right now and won't be home until November. We are both Nurses in the U.S. Army. I don't think her intention was to tell me her feelings from half way around the world, but that is how I got the news. She has been able to Skype home every day or two (and still is). Anyway, I was picking up an odd feeling from her, so I asked three little words... "Are we o.k.?" She hesitated, then poured it all out. She told me she had been feeling this way for a long while, and was hoping she would feel different with our forced separation; she hadn't though. I sat there... crushed. I confessed my love for her, told her how I was feeling... all the while thinking my reaction couldn't be helping and knowing that it was probably just making the situation worse.

 

Currently she is telling me she doesn't want to make a final decision until she comes home in 10 months. But she has also laid out a plan; she doesn't want to file for anything until our assignment here is over, and we have moved to our next duty station (about 5 months after she returns). This way we are both still around our boys for a few additional years.

 

I asked if she is willing to try and save our relationship... if she is willing to see a councilor with me when she gets back. She has told me she is willing to, but when I ask if she wants to she won't answer me. This makes me believe she is only trying to ease my pain.

 

Looking in retrospect I probably shouldn't have felt so blindsided. I can think of 2 other times over the past 5 years when she told me she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore or not. Within a few days though, she would tell me how much I meant to her, that she did love me, and that she was sorry for saying what she had. I think I wanted so much to believe in that reciprocated love that I just let it go... I shouldn't have.

 

I don't want to come across as blameless in this situation. I know I am not. Have I ever been physical with my wife... absolutely not. Have I ever been verbally abusive... no. Have I been emotionally absent... never. What I have done though is been to emotionally dependant on her. I have based my entire life around her. In short, I have probably driven her away by not giving her enough space.

 

To tell you the truth, I'm not completely sure why I am writing this post. Probably just to vent and get my feelings off my chest before they eat away at me. I don't know if my marriage is doomed to fail at this point... I pray it isn't. I don't know if it is possible for my wife to fall back in love with me... or if she even wants to. I don't know a lot of things. I guess maybe I am hoping someone out there does though.

 

Thanks for listening

 

You could be confusing the desperation and co-dependency to in fact be a "giving" personality. Givers are usually looked upon as having those traits. You had made your W your world. You are most likely an introvert.

 

I can think of 2 other times over the past 5 years when she told me she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore or not.

 

This is common in "taker" personalities. Takers are of course looking out for themselves 99% of the time and when they feel something is missing in a M, they are incapable of looking at themselves to find fault with but look towards someone else to be at blame for how they are feeling. This will bring on the GIGS that she has had from time to time and is now having again.

 

GIGS does involve a 3rd party. Someone to confide their troubles to and get reaffirmation that none of it is their fault. It quickly leads into an emotional bond and with that come the questions on whether or not they love their spouse anymore. The EA becomes PA and then they know for fact they no longer love their spouse because if they did, they wouldn't have crossed the line. Fact is, and it's hard to swallow, but when someone has an A, they do in fact, not love their spouse, and perhaps never did.

 

The distance away from her support, you, has made her seek another because selfishness rules the day with "takers."

[Unloved_Too]

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

 

I'm currently getting the same story... I'm her best friend, there's nobody she thinks more highly of, she respects me above everybody else. But the last months she's discovered she doesn't have romantic feelings for me any more.

 

Never mind our 3- and 5-year old, our 10 years of married life. She doesn't see how she can go on with our marriage. She wants to not be with me as a partner.

 

Like you I feel I've been very invested in my wife, and given much more than should be necessary. Definitely a giver. And perhaps that's the problem. I am following the advice of trying to get my life going stronger, secretly hoping that she will be interested enough to work things out.

 

But lately I've started thinking, do I really want to be with her? If she's capable of hurting our kids and me so bad because of her own desire to seek out and perhaps fall in love again?

 

I should add that unlike yours, my wife also had a one-night-stand with a colleague several months back, which I learnt of when she dropped the bomb. I'm not sure I can give her my full trust anymore after that. An "I'll try the therapist's suggestions" won't cut it after that, I know.

 

"I'm just not in love with you any more". I hope I can stall the situation and that she comes to her senses, but I must admit it's looking grim.

 

Sorry to hijack your thread with my own situation, but it seems this is a common situation. Please post if you notice anything having an effect on her. I, and I'm sure tons of others, need all the tips we can get. Unfortunately.

[bassplayertn]

I went through the exact same situation. Yesterday I stood in court and finalized my divorce. It was the most insane thing ever. Throughout the entire process, she continued to say the same things you have posted. Basically making it easier for me to go my own way. I have to tell you, your story is a match to mine. It ripped me apart. As much as I hate to say this, I would guess there is someone else. After hearing the same phrases and talks you mentioned, for months; months that I tried to change her mind; I then found out there was another man. Had been for 6 months. Trust me when I say, if she is seeing someone else, find out now. It will only restart your emotional process.

 

Good luck

 

Keep friends close

 

Go have a beer (just 1 or 2)

[Soxfaninfl]

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

 

I'm currently getting the same story... I'm her best friend, there's nobody she thinks more highly of, she respects me above everybody else. But the last months she's discovered she doesn't have romantic feelings for me any more.

 

Never mind our 3- and 5-year old, our 10 years of married life. She doesn't see how she can go on with our marriage. She wants to not be with me as a partner.

.

 

I'm in the same boat as you. I heard from my stbxw that she was not in love with me anymore, and felt she could not fall back in love with me. I've been married for 10 years and have a 7 year old son. We've been separated for 11 months. I tried separation to see if that would help, but it didn't. I tried counseling, and she quite after a couple of sessions.

[robf1971]

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

 

she doesn't have romantic feelings for me any more.

 

Super common, it's almost like a script.

[Distant78]

I'm going to caution you...what you got is a slightly re-worded version of the "ILYBNILWY speech".

 

Took the freaking words outta my mouth.

[2.50 a gallon]

Thrity five years ago I got the got this same message from my ex-fiance. Although. in my case I knew it was coming as I was having problems with panic attacks

 

And then about 20 years ago I was given some insight and a little understanding has how all of this developed.

 

Please read on, it might be long, but it might also give you some insight as to what sometimes happen when two people fall out of love.

 

When I met my ex-fiance, I was a player, and was wondering what was wrong with me, why could I not find that certain special someone, that I dearly craved to share my life with. Like most young men I wanted a future with children and an old age of grandchildren. And though I met lots of interesting and attractive women, none of them ever rang my bell, and I began to question myself as I was a couple of year shy of my 30th

birth day.

 

When I met her, though it was not love at first sight, it was pretty close. This was not especially a sexual attraction, as what I first noticed was the color and the flowing of her hair, her smile, and even the sound of her voice, laughter and giggles.

 

Me, I just charged in gave her my spiel, asked her out and got shut down.

 

But not one to sulk when rejected I kept trying, offers of dinners, at fancy restaurants, tickets to concerts of groups that by now I knew she too liked, and more offers to even more fancy and expensive and romantic dining were all torpedoed. I was not harrassing her, as i think there were only about half a dozen proposed dates over a three month period.

 

As I was to find out later, hardly anything about me appealed or attracted her, other than the color of my eyes and she did like my smile.

 

My hair was too long, I am a blue jeans and T-shirt guy, and she liked her men dressed as business men, slacks, sports coats, ties and short hair. Also, I was too short, a couple of inches smaller than her, and a half foot short of her preffered six footer.

 

She was young and beautiful and was attracting the attention of lots of men, many of whom she dated once or twice. At the time I met her she did have a steady beau, Guy #1, but it was not exclusive. And she had just began to date a new man, Guy #2.

 

Both of these guys were her type, tall and business people. I was also being out spent, as they were competing by taking her to the most fancy and expensive restaurants in town.

 

And to make matter worse, she did see me as someone she knew, but not as a friend. She also found me to be pushy, cocky with a touch of arrogance.

 

In short, there was no chance that we could ever be a couple.

[Woggle]

To be fair your ex fiance did give plenty of red flags before you split.

[2.50 a gallon]

Too true Mr. Woggle, it was almost all of my doing, but there was nothing at the time that I could do about it.

 

Also I forgot to add, she was 21 when we met, and shortly therafter turned 22, and she thought my being 28, getting close to 29 was too old for her. And over the time from our first meeting, until our first date, she had heard that while I was a nice guy, and trustworthy, I also had the reputation of being a player.

 

Our first date was almost an accident. Being a blue collar worker my plant had to shut down in the middle of the week for a day for repairs to the machinery, so I was given Thursday off, which I fully decided to take advantage of by spending the day fishing at the local river.

 

As I came out of the store after purchasing my worms, she went walking by, and was nice enough to stop for a second. Having tried everything else, I said what the heck and asked her if she would like to go fishing with me the next day.

 

As it turned out she too had Thursday off, had never been fishing, and being as she lived with 2 other girls in a home, she had not had a chance to work on her tan, so I was shocked when she accepted.

 

She already had big plans for the weekend. Guy #1 was taking her out to dinner at one of the most expensive restaurants in town on Friday. He was going all out, as he sensed that he was lossing the competiton with Guy #2. Guy #2 was taking her out to a fancy rich man's ball, with limo ride included. She was going to get to play the part of Cinderella and being an expert seamstress had sown herself a great ball gown.

 

Her sexual experience was very limited, being religious there had only been about a dozen times. And most of them were with Guy #1. In all cases comdoms had been used. She had already cut off Guy #1 and had pretty much decided Guy #2 was going to get his first chance at the plate that Saturday.

 

All of the planets aligned on the Thursday, the fish were biting, and being as it was in the middle of the week, we pretty much had our palce on the river to ourselves. We drank a few cold one, played in the water, and I built us a campfire (her first) to cook hot dogs and later marshmallows. But mostly we talked, and began to develop a friendship.

 

As the sun set, and we cooked our marshmallows I began to suspect that my one chance was slipping away. But she wanted to fry up the fish that she had caught, so we headed for my apartment. Again the stars were aligned for it was pretty much clean and neat, and when she looked over my albums, it turned out that we pretty much had similar tastes in music. I let her select what she wanted to play as I fried up the fish and opened up a bottle of wine. More talk, more wine, and by 10 o'clock she was saying she did want this day to end.

 

We made love, once we figured out that she was in her safe part of her cycle, we did not use condoms. Her first time to feel a man climax with out protection

 

When I took her home late that night she let me know that I was Guy #3 on her list.

 

Eighteen hours later, about 6 in the evening I was shocked to find her knocking on my door with a bottle of wine in her hand and inviting herself in. I was then informed that she had called off the date with Guy #1, he was history, and was thinking of breaking the ball date with Guy #2 the following night.

 

In 24 hours I had gone from not a chance, to her wanting to pursue a possible exclusive relationship with me, as she felt that she could fall in love with me.

 

We became exclusive, an eventually fell in love and were engaged to marry.

Edited February 5, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

The next part was all my doing. I had foumd what I was looking for and the love began to grow. When the lease ran out with her friends they decided to go their seperate ways, and six months after our first date she moved in with me.

 

Both of our families eventually approved of our relationship, and everything was looking great until about 3 months after moving in with me, I mad an off hand remark about her already beginning to sew her wedding dress. I freaked when she pulled it out of her closet and we had our first fight. Being a former player, it scared the H out of me, to have to give up on all of the rest of the women of the world just for her, forever. I soon found myself divided, half of me wanted to marry and spend the rest of my live with her, and another half was unsure of giving up on the other ladies. Shortly there after, I cheated for the first time, and that only made matter worse. I wanted both worlds.

 

About another year goes by and one evening while photographing the a beautiful sunset of a storm moving toward us (it was so beautiful that we decided to record this special event for our later years) I had my first pani attack.

 

I didn't know what had hit me. I was terrified of the clouds coming over us and that the sun was setting and we would be able to see it for the next 10 hours. I had always been the bold one, I drove race cars, did back flips off of small cliffs into the river, etc. and her I was not afraid, but terrified of clouds. Nothing had sense.

 

When i could not find answers for my panic attacks, they grew even more worse, as I was not in control of them, and I could find not relief. She lasted another year, of hell, rubbing by back almost nightly so that I could get just a few hours of rest. Sometimes these attacks lasted upwards of weeks, of being on edge and being afraid. The fears grew, I knew that becasue of them I was slowly losing her, and worse off with no answers I was truly afraid that I was doomed to eventually spend the rest of my live living in an insance asylum.

 

That is when she finally gave me the I love you but am not in love with you speech and exited from my life. At that time there was nothing I could do