ivalm Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Back story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t261256/ Maybe I'm imagining trouble where there is none, but I'm now growing a bit upset. I'm continuing to date E and we've had a bf/gf talk on Wednesday after lunch (exactly 3 weeks into our R) which went something like this Me: "E, you know we've been dating for a while, so do you want to be my gf?" * 10 second silence * Me: "Well, think about it!" E: "If I were to think about it I am sure I would just say yes... So yes!" Now, I realize I have startled her (we were talking about unrelated things before I asked her, rather out of the blue) but still, she did say yes so it made me happy... So our next date we agreed she would come up with (actually, we agreed to this last Friday, but she was busy all week, the Wednesday lunch was my last minute invitation, and it was only like 40 minutes, so not exactly a date) but I never heard from her. On Thursday I got an offer for two free tickets for a chamber orchestra performance on Friday (through graduate student affairs) so I asked her out and she agreed. We went out and I think we had fun and I reiterated that next date is hers but that I wanted to see her again soon. Well, she STILL didn't suggest anything. Also, on Wednesday after our talk I changed my FB status to "In a relationship" and it sent E a message to confirm, she didn't do it so later that day I asked her why, and here is the gchat log: ----------- Me: btw, you should totally change your status on facebook :/ E: oh yea! I definitely got an email about that I will I will, there are just like two people I need to tell first Me: lol.. well, whatever you are convenient about it.. E: otherwise they will hunt me down and kill me ;P Me: I know I've not exactly given you prep time, etc but you semi-jokingly asked me what I wanted last Friday.. and it got me thinking.. and so it got me determined to ask you E: hehe [some other unrelated conversation, then towards the end of the chat] me: ok, good night sleep well! talk to you 2 people who will kill you otherwise! *your E: lol Me: btw... if not a secret, who are they? lol E: oh just my two friends :] ***** and ****... but these names will seem arbitrary hehehe Me: ok.. E: bye bye! me: good nighty then don't want anything to happen to you, so I'll have to wait E: bye -------------------- Well, it's Sunday now and her status is single. I don't want to remind her again but this is really, really bothering me. And we don't have the next date set and the ball is in her court, clearly... Also, while I chatted with her today, we didn't chat/talk yesterday, and I feel uncomfortable contacting her much more because I already initiate like 80% of contact.. but I definitely want to talk to her once a day.. Affection wise, I give her quite a bit of affection, and she never backed out of any of it, but she rarely initiates anything. Like, if we walk and I put my hand on her shoulder she would put her hand on my waist but she would almost never hug me first. She only once initiated a kiss and that was perhaps because she thought I was going for a kiss (our faces were close together)... This is very atypical for me. In my experience girls WANT to touch me.. be it hugs or playing with my hair or even playing with my freaking shoe laces What's your read on this? Is she just being shy? Is she a non-affectionate person? Does she not really like me? Thank you for your advice!
Imajerk17 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) I'm probably old-school. I use Facebook but I don't adjust my "status". Who needs to know anything? ivalm, it sounds to me that she feels pressured by you. She cares for you and your feelings, but she isn't ready to be your girlfriend, and she doesn't know how to tell you this without hurting you. So meanwhile she is "going along with the motions". It does sound that you are coming on a bit strong. I would *STRONGLY* suggest you back off. Do NOT bring up the Facebook thing again, and meanwhile, if you can hide your relationship "status" on FB, I would do that. Edited January 30, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author ivalm Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) Thank you for your reply Imajerk! I'm probably old-school. I use Facebook but I don't adjust my "status". Who needs to know anything? I need to know! She can de-list her status if she wants to, but I feel offended that it says "single." ivalm, it sounds to me that she feels pressured by you. She cares for you and your feelings, but she isn't ready to be your girlfriend, and she doesn't know how to tell you this without hurting you. So meanwhile she is "going along with the motions". It does sound that you are coming on a bit strong. I've been talking to her not even every day and we see each other only about twice a week. Counting that we both have cars, live close by, and go to the same school I don't think that's a lot. If she feels that I am coming on strong AFTER A MONTH of dating I think we're probably not compatible... The way I see it, apart form "coming on strong", there are two other possibilities: 1) She's not that into me In this case I'm better of finding someone who IS into me... however if this is true I don't understand why she agreed to be my girlfriend. Even if she didn't want to hurt my feelings she could have said "I'll think about" after I told her to "think about it" instead of saying "yes"... 2) She's shy She suggested a week-and-a-half ago that she sometimes feels shy about contacting me because she thinks she would be bothering me, however, I tried to encourage her and said that she would definitely be most welcome and I would enjoy hearing from her. She on a couple of other occasions said she's shy, however, she's also been very articulate and outgoing with me and with other people she knows, so I don't know what to make of it. If she's shy but interested, I don't get why the facebook is an issue.. I would *STRONGLY* suggest you back off. Do NOT bring up the Facebook thing again, and meanwhile, if you can hide your relationship "status" on FB, I would do that. I'll let her contact me, and not initiate anything, but frankly if things continue this way for a couple more weeks I'll leave... I enjoy chasing her but I need move positive reinforcement! I won't comment on the FB status for a couple more days but if she doesn't change by this Wednesday I'll bring it up again. If she doesn't react after second reminder I will start looking for other dating partners. ------- I guess this is a datapoint for all the women talking about "chase" on LS. I'm a guy who is interested on pursuing the girl, but if there is not sufficient reaction my interest level drops like a rock Edited January 30, 2011 by ivalm
Author ivalm Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Really, no one has anything else to add?
utterer of lies Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Really, no one has anything else to add? Back off and let her move at her own pace.
Author ivalm Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Back off and let her move at her own pace. That's exactly my plan.. I'm not planning to contact her at this point until she contacts me. But I'm interested about what she thinks... Do you think I'm going "too fast"? Do you think she is not interested? Do you think she is shy? Are my expectations too high? Is her behavior normal (because I don't think so but perhaps she is a different kind of girl from those I have dealt with before)?
Imajerk17 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I've been talking to her not even every day and we see each other only about twice a week. Counting that we both have cars, live close by, and go to the same school I don't think that's a lot. If she feels that I am coming on strong AFTER A MONTH of dating I think we're probably not compatible... Well ivalm, I hate to say this, but you did pressure her. Or at least, she feels pressured. I don't care how often/not often you see each other. Her response when you asked her to be your girlfriend--after only 3 weeks of dating, which is a bit soon IMO--was *not* what you were looking for. You didn't want just a "yes" after a 10-second pause, you wanted a "yes!" right away and some cartwheels from her. A lot more enthusiasm than she gave you. Her "needing to talk" to those two people before she changes her status says a lot I'm afraid. It's BS. If those two people are really that important to her and she was as anywhere near happy as you wanted her to be, they would have already known. She does sound young and inexperienced, and people like that have a hard time being straight with others, especially because she does like you and given all that has happened between you two already, she might fear she led you on.
Author ivalm Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 (edited) Well ivalm, I hate to say this, but you did pressure her. Or at least, she feels pressured. I don't care how often/not often you see each other. Her response when you asked her to be your girlfriend--after only 3 weeks of dating, which is a bit soon IMO--was *not* what you were looking for. You didn't want just a "yes" after a 10-second pause, you wanted a "yes!" right away and some cartwheels from her. A lot more enthusiasm than she gave you. Her "needing to talk" to those two people before she changes her status says a lot I'm afraid. It's BS. If those two people are really that important to her and she was as anywhere near happy as you wanted her to be, they would have already known. She does sound young and inexperienced, and people like that have a hard time being straight with others, especially because she does like you and given all that has happened between you two already, she might fear she led you on. Ok, she's 20, I'm 22.. about the two friends, yeah.. seems crappy. I did look up the names of people she said she wanted to inform first and they do seem to be her high school friends... so it wasn't a complete lie, but I agree that if she was sufficiently excited about me then the friends would know (although frankly I don't tell my friends about particular girls I'm dating, so perhaps not)... In fact, the whole fb status debacle is the main thing that is bothering me now, but I can't reverse it. I would understand if she rejected me or told me that she needs to think about it, I explicitly gave her this option. I've been rejected by other girls and I've also rejected other girls who came onto me, nothing wrong with that; I DO NOT understand her agreeing but then retaining "single" status. This is something novel to my experience in dating.. Usually bf/gf talk is some indicator of security that helps end second-guessing the other person's feelings, yet with her it's exactly reverse! About the gf/bf question, when I said "we've been dating for a while" I swear her face brightened up, which made me think she was totally for it, also perhaps the 10 second silence is a bit of hyperbole on my part (really perhaps 3-4? clearly I didn't time it), but I did expect a resounding yes which is why I backtracked with "you can think about it" after she didn't reply immediately. Also, what does " she does like you" even mean? She likes me enough to date me but not enough to be my gf after a month? She likes me only as a friend but because I've been romantically inclined she got "pushed" into agreeing to become my gf? This doesn't compute well for me.. especially since I like her quite a bit but I'm naturally very protective of myself, if I feel this continue I don't think I can stick around Edited January 31, 2011 by ivalm
Imajerk17 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 (edited) By "she likes you" I mean that she cares about you as a person and (probably) wants to keep seeing you. ivalm, I stick by what I wrote that she is just going along with it because she isn't good at saying no. Many 20-year-old girls are not. Whether it was really 10 seconds she hesitated or just 3 isn't important. If she wanted to be your girlfriend, there would be no doubt. She would have made it perfectly clear. No need to be reading the tea leaves here. Your mistake was this: You pushed the Facebook thing, after the bf/gf conversation didn't go so well, and *after* it looked like she was backing away from you further from the discussion. You didn't heed the signs that she wasn't feeling it. I'm not criticizing you, because I've done that a bunch of times. The sooner you realize that this was a mistake--chasing someone after they start pulling away from you, the better off you will be. When someone is pulling away from you, you don't push harder. It only drives them away further. It does suck tho. sorry bro. Edited January 31, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author ivalm Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 (edited) By "she likes you" I mean that she cares about you as a person and (probably) wants to keep seeing you. ivalm, I stick by what I wrote that she is just going along with it because she isn't good at saying no. Many 20-year-old girls are not. Whether it was really 10 seconds she hesitated or just 3 isn't important. If she wanted to be your girlfriend, there would be no doubt. She would have made it perfectly clear. No need to be reading the tea leaves here. Your mistake was this: You pushed the Facebook thing, after the bf/gf conversation didn't go so well, and *after* it looked like she was backing away from you further from the discussion. You didn't heed the signs that she wasn't feeling it. I'm not criticizing you, because I've done that a bunch of times. The sooner you realize that this was a mistake--chasing someone after they start pulling away from you, the better off you will be. When someone is pulling away from you, you don't push harder. It only drives them away further. It does suck tho. sorry bro. Just returned from a house-concert and reread my thread in a more mellow mood and jeeze.. I sound really obsessive that's not healthy! I guess I'll lean back and see what happens.. If she isn't feeling it, her loss, if she is feeling it, well, I like her and hope it works out ---------- Edit: Just reread your message, you said "*after* it looked like she was backing away from you further from the discussion" wait, what did I miss? The bf/gf talk wasn't as successful as I wanted but at the point that I pushed her the only real negative WAS the facebook, should I have just ignored it? Edited January 31, 2011 by ivalm
OceanGirl Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 You are really pushing it. I would never put "in a relationship with" on my FB page because most relationships (especially new ones) are going to fail soon. I don't want to deal with pain of a break up through announcing it on FB. Although I simply don't have relationship status on my page. I do put up some couple-y pictures though so most people can infer that I am seeing someone. Only with pictures there is no clear beginning and end - so no stress.
Imajerk17 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Edit: Just reread your message, you said "*after* it looked like she was backing away from you further from the discussion" wait, what did I miss? The bf/gf talk wasn't as successful as I wanted but at the point that I pushed her the only real negative WAS the facebook, should I have just ignored it? Well she was slow in getting back to you/setting up the date, after your discussion. That and the bf/gf discussion you and she had was a clear sign that something wasn't right. Next time, don't bring up these types of conversations until you are positive she is going to say yes.
Author ivalm Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Well she was slow in getting back to you/setting up the date, after your discussion At that point not yet, she had 3 midterms/quizzes that week and told me on our last date that she might drop off the face of the earth for a week and that I shouldn't get mad.. ------------------ At any rate, lessons learned, although I hate to think that it might cost me E OceanGirl, from now on my status will be de-listed.. frankly, I never even realized it was an option until very recently. Also, if she does contact me again and setup another date, should I ask her if she feels too pressured by me? Should I withdraw some affection (touching/complementing)? Should I apologize?
Imajerk17 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Just pull back a bit. Don't try to over-correct your mistake.
Author ivalm Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Just pull back a bit. Don't try to over-correct your mistake. OK, so I'll not initiate anything but then act as nothing happened if she contacts me... hurts a bit to be in this uncertain situation but oh well, we'll see how things go
OceanGirl Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 OK, so I'll not initiate anything but then act as nothing happened if she contacts me... hurts a bit to be in this uncertain situation but oh well, we'll see how things go That sounds like a good plan. If you can't hold back and end up contacting her, at least pretend like nothing happened.
Author ivalm Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 That sounds like a good plan. If you can't hold back and end up contacting her, at least pretend like nothing happened. She broke up with me.. so I guess I did push past the breaking point. Official reason is "I'm too busy and don't want my grades to slip, which will happen if I stay with you"... and while she is a straight-A student I don't really buy this.. oh well, tough luck for me Still, I think it's a little f*cked up to go from "I will be your girlfriend" to "I don't think this can work out" in the span of 5 days... Now, time to start flirting with random people again Actually, I'm very upset that I'll have a gf-less Valentines, and I did crush on E pretty hard, which, I suppose, is why I pushed her away
Imajerk17 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) Sorry to hear. When you are feeling better though, it would do well to ask what lessons did you learn. That way you get your full money's worth from the break-up. Edited February 1, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author ivalm Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Sorry to hear. When you are feeling better though, it would do well to ask what lessons did you learn. That way you get your full money's worth from the break-up. Well, the immediate lesson: Listen to the standard advice and keep distance with the girl you want even if you feel like she's someone you can fully trust and is exactly your type The thing is, I knew and used this before, and I gave this advice to others, but somehow she seemed "different."
OceanGirl Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I read your past threads on this girl. I think what really killed is the discrepancy in your interest levels. You have had a crush on her for a while, before you even started dating. By your first date, you were already more invested than you should have been. She probably had "give it a shot and see what happens" attitude. I think that she could sense all this even before you pushed for bf/gf FB status (although that was the final nail in the coffin). The natural human reaction when sensing that someone has much higher interest in us than we do in them, is to bolt. This is especially true for younger girls - who have plenty of time to play the field and settle into a serious relationship later.
Author ivalm Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) I read your past threads on this girl. I think what really killed is the discrepancy in your interest levels. You have had a crush on her for a while, before you even started dating. By your first date, you were already more invested than you should have been. She probably had "give it a shot and see what happens" attitude. I think that she could sense all this even before you pushed for bf/gf FB status (although that was the final nail in the coffin). The natural human reaction when sensing that someone has much higher interest in us than we do in them, is to bolt. This is especially true for younger girls - who have plenty of time to play the field and settle into a serious relationship later. Thank you OG. Yes, that's the realization I'm coming to. But I guess in some sense it's better that we broke up since if she wasn't getting very into me then best we part ways earlier than later. I was VERY into her and if it hurts a bit now, it would hurt A WHOLE LOT MORE if she strung me along and then dropped later. Oh well, I'm planning to go to a big grad mixer this Friday so maybe I'll pick up some cute lonely girl there My little problem though is that guys I know all have GFs so I will (probably) have to operate solo BTW, I'm also trying to perfect my online profile, which before I didn't really give much effort, so any suggestions are welcome, thread is http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t263172/ Edited February 1, 2011 by ivalm
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