Lovestuck Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I'm looking for advice or to just vent. Preferably from people that have been in a similar situation. I'm in the toughest position I've ever been in, in my life. Just from the thread title I'm going to naturally assume that the vast majority of people are going to tell me to leave him. But here's my story anyway. I really have no one I can talk to about all this cuz of certain details. I've been dating and living with my boyfriend for a little over a year. I'm 25, he is 29. He's been open about being bi-sexual from the beginning. I AM okay with his sexuality. In fact, I've never been with somebody that I can be as open or comfortable with. It's like we just fit. Outside of the bedroom we have a pretty amazing relationship. We can have fun, still have serious moments, we are each others best friend. After dating for about 6 months I was curious what he was texting to his ex-girlfriend who had moved to the other side of the country, so I checked his phone. Not only did I find some things saying that I was just a roommate but I also found other texts to what I thought were random women, saying some sexual things. I lost a lot of confidence in myself and our relationship at this point. Our relationship only seemed to grow stronger despite me finding these text. And no I didn't bring anything up at this point. Then months later he asked me if we could have a "friend" over one night. I was and still am okay with us having fun with one extra or a couple. After that night everything was fine. I kind of figured that if he sees I'm ok with it all and am actually interested in exploring sexually then he would be less inclined to go off and do things behind my back. Since that night he hadn't suggested we bring anyone else in and it almost like he has spurts where he's not physically attracted to me. I've found his bi- account on pof and told him multiple times to take it down cuz I'm not ok with it. He hasnt taken it down and to boot, he's posted a pic of himself from our vacation on this dating profile. All this really stings to even write it. I've also found numbers without names in his phone, along with him looking at personals and other dating sites for men. I've confronted him on all this and he denies it all. Since I don't want him to know I went through his phone I don't know how else to approach this. I want to be able to work all this out. In every other aspect of our lives, I love him like no other, I can't picture myself without him and he feels the same. I wish he would fess up so we can either work through or end it. I feel so trapped in my own life and have become so depressed from the constant battles with myself. Thanks for reading, and replying if you decide to.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 This is a very familiar story and I read several permutations of it since I became an LSer last May. What you have is a guy who is in denial about his sexual orientation and in denial about his agenda to have sex with many people. He may appear to be this terrific person but he is using you as a front and as a way to confirm his lie to himself. He probably does just enough of everything to keep you believing in him. Perhaps he's not that bad of a person underneath. But what he is is a liar if ever liar meant anything. And if you can't trust what someone says how can you really respect who they are? If you can't respect or trust them, you can only love who you think they are and not who they really are. You deserve the chance to experience real love and not this balancing act of deceptions. It will probably collapse and cast you off sooner or later or just make you feel like a doormat to stay in it.
carhill Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Boundaries: 'I find these contacts with men and women of a sexual nature to be disrespectful, inappropriate and unacceptable. If you wish for our relationship to continue, they must end immediately.' This presumes you want a monogamous intimate relationship with him. If other, modify the boundary as appropriate, perhaps reflecting transparency and full disclosure. Regardless, enact a boundary, communicate it and enforce it. Just because a relationship is 'great' overall doesn't mean one should abrogate their own personal boundaries to continue it. Good luck and welcome to LS
spiderowl Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 (edited) Feeling Frisky and Carhill give good advice. I think you've identified a major issue here - confidence. This situation is clearly demoralising for you and because you feel bad your self-esteem has sunk and you are trying to find ways around the problem rather than just doing the obvious thing which is to dump him and get out. I have every sympathy with you - you are living with him and this is your home and future at stake, no wonder you feel so upset. It sounds like this guy is treating you like crap, to be honest. Indicating to his friends (lovers) that you are a room-mate? What sort of treatment is that to give your significant other? Texting and other subterfuge? No, I think the situation is pretty clear and he isn't respecting you or loving you the way you deserve. As I see it, you already have the evidence so what is the point in confronting him? He can only agree or deny it and where will that leave you - either hurt once again or still unconvinced about his fidelity and hurt. I know it's incredibly hard when you want something to work that isn't and especially with all the knock-on practical problems that you face, like throwing him out or finding accommodation, being without daily companionship, but I do think you need a draw a line under this relationship which is hurting and undermining you on a daily basis. You really do deserve to have an exclusive lover who respects you, unlike this guy. When I was in a similarly painful relationship, someone once told me, "you're feelings matter too", and that was a total revelation to me at the time. Worth reflecting on? Edited January 31, 2011 by spiderowl
Woman In Blue Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Lovestruck, it's really sad to see you jumping around like a trained seal, trying to bend any which way you can just to keep this guy happy. From what you describe, this sounds like a completely one-sided relationship where you're making all the concessions and doing all the work, while he continues to do whatever the hell he wants - and lying about it right to your face. Just because the guy is bisexual doesn't give him a free ticket to act like a snake and try to screw everything that moves. It simply means he's attracted to BOTH sexes. Why should that mean that the most basic rules of commitment in a relationship don't apply for him? They DO. Just like anyone ELSE. You've gone to the mat for this guy, experimenting sexually and allowing him FAR more sexual freedom than most guys would ever get, and it STILL isn't enough for him. I don't know any women who are ok with having a bisexual boyfriend or husband who ALSO engage in threesomes with other men (I'm assuming that who his "friend" was that came over that night) so he can satisfy his bisexual side. You've already done MORE than most women would do - and it's still not enough for him. And after bending yourself into a pretzel and making it ALL about him so this selfish a*sshole can explore his bi side, your "thanks" for doing all that is his continued disrespect of you? Texting other women, calling you his 'roommate,' running a freakin' ad on a dating site and trawling male dating/hookup sites???? He obviously feels his bisexuality makes him 'special' and that somehow affords him a free ticket to do whatever the hell he wants. It doesn't. Good luck trying to work through these issues with a self-centered jerk who seems to think the world is HIS sexual candy store simply because he's "different" than the rest of us heterosexuals. I think you're in for a world of hurt and there's going to be a time in the future when you're going to be furious with yourself when you look back on this relationship and you realize just how much of yourself you were willing to sacrifice in your neverending quest to keep this selfish jerk happy. And you will be furious - that's a promise.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 He's been open about being bi-sexual from the beginning. In these words he was telling you that he intends to cheat on you!!! ... aaaaaaaaaaand you are "OKAY with" it. Now get out of his way and let him cheat already. (or drop him like a hot rock) no sense in sugar-coating your options at this point.
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