If you were me...

[heartshaped]

My boyfriend and I have been together now a couple months short of 2 years. We have been in a distance relationship for the past six months. I wouldn't say it's long distance as we live in different parts of the same state and it's only a few hours drive (one way) apart. It's definitely not as great a distance as some and really, I don't feel the distance is the problem.

 

Ever since I moved away, we rarely see each other. At first, I thought it was because of the distance, but I've come to realize that it's not just the distance that is keeping us apart (though I'm sure it contributes..gas money and all), but also, the fact that for the past six months my boyfriend has been very, very busy.

 

So busy, in fact, that I've only seen him 7-8 times in six months. Now, some of you may think that, that isn't so bad as I know some of you see your significant others much less. I don't even really think I'd have a problem if it was because of the distance, but really, it's just because of the boyfriend's schedule. Mind you, even though we have seen each other 7-8 times in the past six months, we went three months in a row without seeing each other.

 

Last night, we got into a huge argument about this. Well, more accurately, I said some hurtful (but true) things and he apologized profusely up until the point where he said I'd hurt his feelings so bad he just couldn't talk to me anymore.

 

I love him so much and I know he feels the same way, but I'm not sure if I want this to be my life. I am no longer looking forward to moving to be with him as he has made me to feel he doesn't want me to and even if I did we would still be in this same situation...I am not even sure if I want to marry him anymore and he has been hinting heavily about proposing in the near future and I'm scared to death of that.

 

I was perfectly happy with our lives together before I moved, but since then I have just felt like I am not a priority to him. Which I know isn't the truth, but it's still how I feel. This isn't exactly a problem I see going away in the near future either so I'm not sure whether or not I want to continue this relationship. We don't have any other problems besides this and if you were to ask me I'd tell you I thought he was the one, but this is something that really is weighing heavily on me and our relationship.

 

I guess I'm just looking for advice..

[aerogurl87]

So let me get this straight, when you two lived in the same city things were great and now that you've moved you feel like less of a priority because he's super busy? If that's the case I'm assuming that when you lived in the same city he was very attentive and you didn't feel this way. So if you moved back don't you think things would go back to normal? From what you've written I will say that for once it does seem like the distance is really the issue here.

[creighton0123]

There seems to be quite a bit of stuff you need to square away in person. Do you have any vacation time coming to you that you can really spend some time together? Everyone gets vacation time... perhaps the two of you can use it to go somewhere warm and private where you can really figure out where the two of you stand without any added pressure whatsoever.

 

What it comes down to, though, is that you let quite a bit of latent stress and anger build up and build up and build up without communicating, and it came down to one thing:

 

How often will we communicate/how often will we see one another?

 

If you can't agree to this question, you're both in different stages in life right now regarding your priorities. Also, here's a general question: What do the two of you do when you're together?

 

Meaning... how long was your last few stays together and what did it involve? Did you lounge around, just the two of you? Did you spend money that you wouldn't normally spend to go out for dinners/movies/dates, etc.?

 

Have the two of you gotten to the point where you can be with one another without disrupting what you would normally do, like grocery shopping, laundry, etc. etc. ?

 

I can't answer the "If you were me" question, but I can tell you that when boyfriend and I are together, part of being together does not always involve doing the same thing. If I have some work to do, I do it. If he wants to watch a movie or play a game and I don't, he does and I occupy myself with other things, like doing laundry or dishes. If he wants to go to bed at 11PM and I am not tired yet, he goes to bed and I join him an hour or two later.

 

I'm an early riser and he's not. I'll often go to the super market and take a shower. When he wakes up, he takes a shower while I make breakfast. Hell, half the time I usually have to physically go to work, so I leave him sleeping and head to work, knowing that we'll see one another when I get home. There's also some time when he is invited to spend time with some friends. I'll drive him over and drop him off (we live in Boston and only I have a car) and I'll let him have some time to himself recognizing that the most important thing about being a couple is to live two separate lives together rather than be joined at the hip.

 

I must also ask... what is it that is keeping your boyfriend very, very busy? At least more busy than he was prior to your move away?

 

Edit:

 

aero hit it right on the money. It seems like both of you have different expectations of what "being together" involves. Provide more insight if you can about what you do when you are together, especially before your move.

[folieadeux]

I agree; I think the actual distance is causing the tension here. I'm curious to know too what exactly is keeping him so busy that you went months without seeing one another only living a few hours apart. If money isn't an issue, it sounds like you two could feasibly see each other multiple times per month.

[heartshaped]

He is currently in his last year of grad school and he also works about 20-25 hours a week so between his schedule and mine there is not really much time for us to see each other. He is trying very hard to bring up his average before graduation in December as he wants to graduate with honors, as well as the many stresses included being in grad school, and his part time job. When I met him, he had not entered graduate school yet, and he was at a standstill as to what he would do with his degree.

 

He is going into the corporate world so as well as school and his job, he's involved in a number of organizations trying to network and possibly secure a job after college.

 

I admire his ambition, but it does seem to cut quite a bit into our time together. I understand this is something he has to do, but that doesn't mean I necessarily like it. When we are together, at least, all of the visits we have had since we have been apart, we just mostly lounge around the house. I'll cook dinner or he will and we might watch a movie together, just ordinary things. Which contrasts drastically with our relationship before as we went out almost every weekend when I lived in the city.

 

When we see each other sometimes I stay overnight, other times it's only for a few hours. We talk daily, but mostly, through email and text message.

[KandiceHanson]

Well, honestly I am going through the exact same thing. My SO and I are separated by a great deal of distance, however, he has been extremely busy and well, not so attentive. We argue a great deal about the same thing, he feels I need to give him space to do his things, while I feel quite neglected sometimes.

 

In my opinion, ANY type of distance will put a heavy load of strain on your relationship, no matter what the distance. Technically I'm not going to hold my boyfriend against anything until we finally move in together, because being in a LDR, it is easier to talk to him in person, rather over the phone.

 

My advice? Give it a shot. Move in with him, if you can, or move closer. It's natural to get cold feet about moving in or marriage when it comes to settling down, but it will pass once it becomes more of a routine then 'just a thought'. When guys are busy, it's harder to pick up the phone and talk for hours, instead of just calling you up and asking you to come over - so your boyfriend must just be coping with the situation by keeping himself occupied to keep his mind from the fact that you're not 'right next door'.

 

But yes, to conclude: In my opinion, I'd suggest closing that distance gap and giving you and him a shot at a real close relationship. If it doesn't work out? So what, you gave it a shot and you don't have to look back thinking...."what if?" Break it off and realize that you still need more time before settling down with your SO.

 

But honestly, I wouldn't break your relationship off because you're scared, at least give it a shot and don't hold him accountable of too much while you guys are separated from the distance.

[heartshaped]

My SO and I are separated by a great deal of distance, however, he has been extremely busy and well, not so attentive. We argue a great deal about the same thing, he feels I need to give him space to do his things, while I feel quite neglected sometimes.

 

This is what causes our arguments. He feels I should be understanding/patient and I feel like I'm not enough of a priority to him. He seems to get annoyed even when I mention the distance or our lack of seeing each other as he takes it as a personal insult to him and our relationship.

 

He told me yesterday that I should know after two years that he will be there for me whenever I need him. It's not really the point of him being there when I need him, but rather being there when I want him to be.

 

I'm just worried that how busy he is isn't something that will change and I don't know if I can reasonably live my life being with someone, but being alone.

 

I'm even hesitant at this point to end the distance because of his attitude towards it. We are supposed to be definitely ending the distance in the beginning of next year when he moves out of state and I'm beginning to question whether or not I can move my whole life for someone who cannot seem to give me even a day in three months of his time.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

you know what, it seems like this relationship still can be saved. i understand how it feels to be neglected but graduate school plus work could be really that difficult to juggle.

 

if he's really thinking of proposing to you sometime in the future, you should be glad that he's preparing for your future together. some men don't have ambition. i think he's trying to align things now to hurry up and be done with it to be with you after.

 

but what about your needs, right? you said you do talk everyday, at least he gets in touch with you. now what about spending time together? you should both come in to terms that you will set a schedule for you to see each other like in a weekly basis. and when you go out on a date, do things that will spice up your relationship so he would have something to look forward to. some men are not really wired like women so sometimes we have to make things happen for them to see it in our perspective.

 

i understand that you wanna make sure he is the right person for you. you have to take a leap of faith and find that out. it's important to discuss boundaries, wants and needs if you're really considering him to be your partner for life. you have to talk about it in a non-confrontational way...sometimes they feel insulted or you're blaming them if they keep hearing "you are doing this" in your statements.

 

i just hope he will listen by the time you are ready to tell him about your concerns.

[heartshaped]

you know what, it seems like this relationship still can be saved. i understand how it feels to be neglected but graduate school plus work could be really that difficult to juggle.

 

if he's really thinking of proposing to you sometime in the future, you should be glad that he's preparing for your future together. some men don't have ambition. i think he's trying to align things now to hurry up and be done with it to be with you after.

 

but what about your needs, right? you said you do talk everyday, at least he gets in touch with you. now what about spending time together? you should both come in to terms that you will set a schedule for you to see each other like in a weekly basis. and when you go out on a date, do things that will spice up your relationship so he would have something to look forward to. some men are not really wired like women so sometimes we have to make things happen for them to see it in our perspective.

 

i understand that you wanna make sure he is the right person for you. you have to take a leap of faith and find that out. it's important to discuss boundaries, wants and needs if you're really considering him to be your partner for life. you have to talk about it in a non-confrontational way...sometimes they feel insulted or you're blaming them if they keep hearing "you are doing this" in your statements.

 

i just hope he will listen by the time you are ready to tell him about your concerns.

 

I think we can salvage our relationship. I've just been pretty mad since Saturday and pretty much on the warpath. I have had a few of my friends both IRL and online tell me that perhaps I should be a bit more understanding seeing as how he is in graduate school, working, etc. Deep down, I know these are things that he has to do and that he is really busy, but when one's feelings are hurt then combined with an argument...well, it isn't pretty. Right now, we are both upset still so it will be a while I think before we discuss these things further.

[KandiceHanson]

Honestly, for me what I have come to realize is that I cannot hold him to the grandest of standards while we are apart. Like I said, my SO deals with this time apart by keeping himself busy and focusing on school, so I don't expect much of him. However, when I move there for good during the Summer, I will be expecting much more and holding him to the usual 'relationship' stature. But if you want some advice, considering I am going through the same thing, DO NOT fall into the rut of always being mad and then making up. It became a routine for our relationship and it took a good few months just to get out of it and change it. So if you can, talk about this with your SO and if you keep fighting, then just drop it. Save it until your in person and when you guys are actually living with each other. Until then, just deal with it and don't ruin the relationship with petty little fights.

[heartshaped]

Honestly, for me what I have come to realize is that I cannot hold him to the grandest of standards while we are apart. Like I said, my SO deals with this time apart by keeping himself busy and focusing on school, so I don't expect much of him. However, when I move there for good during the Summer, I will be expecting much more and holding him to the usual 'relationship' stature. But if you want some advice, considering I am going through the same thing, DO NOT fall into the rut of always being mad and then making up. It became a routine for our relationship and it took a good few months just to get out of it and change it. So if you can, talk about this with your SO and if you keep fighting, then just drop it. Save it until your in person and when you guys are actually living with each other. Until then, just deal with it and don't ruin the relationship with petty little fights.

 

I think it is something I have to just deal with for now, but that is harder said than done you know? This is literally the only thing we fight over and it seems to get worse every time we do fight over because he says he always thinks I'm fine with it and then, out of no where I'm upset. I think it's just so hard for me because we were living in the same place for over a year and we spent everyday together just about and now he has a lot of other responsibilities combined with the distance that keep us apart.