JohnPax Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Three months ago I met the most wonderful woman. She's 34, I'm 32. We instantly hit it off, and we have had a great time until last week. I finished a long relationship (8 years) about three years ago, but she's never been in a long relationship – except from a two year long long-distance relationship. The last week I have noticed that something was wrong, and when I asked if something was wrong two days ago, she said she was unsure of her feelings. The doubts had appeared very suddenly, she told me. She also said she couldn’t believe that we were having this conversation, because just a week ago she had been 100 % sure of her feelings. She told me she needed some time to think. As I know "time to think" is most often a prelude to a break-up, I asked if the best thing was to break up right away. She then answered that she was afraid to do something that she may regret later. I then said she seemed pretty sure that her feelings for me were gone. She replied: "I'm far from sure. Our relationship has been the best I have ever been in." I suspect she perhaps doesn't feel as challenged as she should. Her life has also changed a bit since we met, with more pressure at work, and involvement in a couple of organizations. I'm now giving her the time to think, and I'm not going to contact her. However, how do you interpret her reaction? I'm about 99 % sure the relationship is over.
bluebirdsfly Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Her lack of long term relationships might be an indication of commitment issues, unless she's a shy person or she lacked the opportunities to meet new people. That your relationship has been progress well might have scared her a little and she's not ready to commit.
Author JohnPax Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 I haven't thought about that, but that may well be the reason. How do I deal with the situation? I mean, I'm giving her the time to think, but I fear she'll give up on the relationship.
paleblue Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 if she wants to feel challenged in life than dump her immediately and dont wait for her to pull the trigger. altho i understand your position, giving her time ot think, been there, done that, all i can say now is when you hear "im not sure" there's trouble on the horizon. you already have this feeling in your gut its 99% over. listen to your gut. cut the cord and dont give her the upper hand by alowing her to call the shots. girls like this need a loud and clear message that you arent putting up with this crap. there seems to be some issues on her end. 34 and never been in a long relationship? after only 3 months you shouldnt be hearing about things like this. so thats a huge red flag. you already know what it takes to have a long relationship with someone. does she make the cut?? not sounding like it. sorry. she may be a good girl but she just doesnt sound like long term relationship material and you arent going to be able to change that.
Author JohnPax Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 I really like this woman, so unless she dumps me, I'm not letting her go that easily. She's not shy or having trouble meeting someone - quite the contrary. Even though she haven't had a long term relationship at the age of 34 I see no reason why it wouldn't work for us.
bluebirdsfly Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 .... She's not shy or having trouble meeting someone - quite the contrary. Then she has the problem to commit, which is worse than shyness or lack of opportunity, because these people are not emotional available to something long term. Usually after 3 months, people will start to evaluate the relationship and decide whether continue or withdraw. Even though she haven't had a long term relationship at the age of 34 I see no reason why it wouldn't work for us. Unless she change, which won't happen overnight. It may not happen at all. Well, she hasn't told you the core reason why she's being reluctant, especially when the relationship has been going well. Her answers are all other ways to say she's hesitating. Why not ask her directly why she's not sure. See what she says.
2010_Sorry Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 This woman sounds like she requires a challenge, just as others above me have said. Once you opened up and told her how you feel, the challenge was gone. To me, that shows an immature perspective on relationships.... and her lack of a long term commitment confirms this. If you want to sign yourself up for a roller coaster of emotions for the next several years, possibly infidelity and pain.... then this is your girl. (Sorry... don't mean to be so crass... but I think you're in too deep to see her for what she is.... I'm just trying to be straight up and honest with you).
Author JohnPax Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 Last Saturday I met her on the street. She told me she had thought about calling me to say that we should meet to talk. I answered that she could tell me what she had to say right there, and she answered that she were better off alone in this stage in her life. I was kind of relieved that I had got an answer, and we talked for a couple of minutes. I simply told her that I didn’t quite understand her decision, but that she should follow her gut feeling and do what was best for her. We agreed that I should come over to her and return some stuff she had lying around in my apartment. When I got there she wanted to talk some more. I almost sensed that she was about to change her mind. She said she had been almost 100% sure we should break up, but had started to doubt when she met me. We talked a bit, and I told her that I had been a bit passive lately, and that we probably spent too much time together, neglected our friends and all of a sudden she said that 'everything is as it was before'. It was actually just a failure to communicate. When she felt things were wrong she simply felt that she was better off alone. She actually doesn’t know how it is to be in a relationship. After about 15 minutes she actually asked if we should reset the relationship and try again. I hesitated a bit as I had been working mentally to get over her for over a week, but I decided to give it another try. I told her that I probably needed some time to get over the situation – which is true. We got out and had a few beers, and we both felt great. That was the strangest day of my life. Now, a couple of days later, she keeps sending me messages about nothing (she actually sent me one right now telling me that she felt the spring was coming).
2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 (edited) Hi I had a very similar situation to yours (both in our 30s and not much RL exp) and after about 3 months she went kind of weird because she would never talk about anything or say how she was feeling, so ultimately she started looking for cop out for her indecisiveness, she was over the moon when we first met but didn't know how to handle the post honeymoon period of the RL. I started to try and get out more instead of silly trips to the cinema and laying up at hers, she rejected it then I said I think this is going nowhere you don't even seem interested and I think we should call it a day, she said she didn't want it to end and I reluctantly (and stupidly) took her up on the offer. She just kept up the mind games as I think she did not know how to handle the situation, she would blow hot and cold so I just started NC and that is it. This is because it was tearing me up inside, I really liked her but becuase of all this it was making me unhappy and stressed - I had to do something to move on from the situation and NC is the only option - I would recommend doing the same. If you encounter someone like this the worst thing to do is keep giving them power as they will procrastinate till the cows come home. Cut the cord and move on. If she ever does contact you then just be aloof, but not cheeky or anything and try not and speak about anything other than general topics and keep it short. Then that way you will weed out her true aim, either she just likes wasting people's time and can't make grown-up decisions or she will chase you until she gets you back. It's her call, you get on with your life. Delete all her contact details and FB etc and leave it at that. Trust me i've been there and it is the best thing you can do in a situation like this. If you speak to her again just say "I do not think we should talk at this time as it is awfully awkward and I do not really want to be friends as I wanted to go out with you etc" and leave it at that. You are effectively saying you will not be F***** about with and do not want to be friends and prop her feelings up until she meets the next chump. 2011 Edited February 9, 2011 by 2011
marqueemoon4 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 do your best to give her space. you don't and she'll definitely dump you. if she thinks about it for awhile and decides she doesn't want to see you anymore, she's not the right one.
hopefully Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Second chances won't work out if the party with the issue hasn't changed substantially, if she wants to change her way at all. Or the second chance is definitely doomed, because what has haunted the first time, will come back and break the second chance. If she doesn't want to face her issue at all, then don't bother. It WILL fail, no matter how many chances you get.
depplover_1980 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 It's refreshing to see it's not just men with serious commitment issues... You poor thing,I know what you're going through.
JasonRules Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I really like this woman, so unless she dumps me, I'm not letting her go that easily. She's not shy or having trouble meeting someone - quite the contrary. Even though she haven't had a long term relationship at the age of 34 I see no reason why it wouldn't work for us. That's probably what all her previous exes said. This is a big red flag and if you choose to ignore it, it will be at your own peril.
depplover_1980 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Unless she can see she has a problem and is interested in developing herself as as person it will fail.
GreenPolicy Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 She's 34 and has never been in a long, serious relationship except for a LDR. Major red flag. Even that relationship came with built-in distance due to geography. Your ex has major issues with intimacy and is a commitment phobe. My advice is to walk away. That's what CPs do - they come on strong and then they bail when they start to feel like they're getting in deep. Mine I think had issues from her childhood (real dad abandoned mom when pregnant and told her to get an abortion, plus bad previous experiences with dating). Yours may have issues from somewhere else. You will not be able to change your ex, as she has to change on her own. Nothing you say or do at this time is going to reassure her or get through to her. This stuff is pretty deep-rooted. Check out the book "He's Scared, She's Scared" for greater insight. I know what you're going through. It still hurts a lot for me, but the pain has faded somewhat.
GreenPolicy Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 OP, click on my profile and you can read my story. I know how you feel: "How could she walk away when things were going so great?" "Did you feel anything at all for me?" "How real was our relationship?" Just know that it was never about you, and do not waste time trying to analyze her or figure out her issues. It is a waste of time. I am guilty of doing it myself and in the end it did not change the outcome - that my ex has issues and until she solves those issues, she will not want to be a in a relationship with me. CPs seek out the sweetness of relationships and then toss them when they feel themselves getting too close to another human being. Trying to analyze and understand her behavior from the POV of being a normal, emotionally well-adjusted human being is a waste of time. If she used logic and reason, she would still be with you. But she is damaged, so she's not. I understand the wrenching pain you are probably feeling because of how strong they come on and how special they make you feel. My ex sat her parents down and told them I was The One and we'd be getting married. I became the first guy she introduced to her biological father after having nothing to do with him for years. She dumped me six weeks after emailing me wedding venue suggestions, a month after telling me that she wanted our parents to meet at dinner, two weeks after we went to look at wedding bands, five days after emailing me and telling me what kind of engagement ring she wanted. Although it doesn't feel this way to our hearts, we were spared an even worse outcome down the road had we stayed in the relationship. You are lucky that you had only three months invested with this woman and you weren't at the looking at rings stage.
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