Koelkast Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Hi, I've been in some sort of casual LDR with a girl in my hometown for almost a year now, whom I met through mutual friends. I moved for work a few years ago and now live about 4 hours away, so face-to-face meetings so far have been pretty sporadic. We get on great and, for the most part, the situation suits us both: we're both professionals in our mid-20s who are in no rush to settle down. Here's the catch: althouth our personalities are largely in line, I'm very open and upfront (and therefore often deviate from The Rules) whereas she's extremely coy and guarded, a real stickler for said Rules. I've tried to broach the issues of position and direction on a couple of occasions, but she repeatedly plays it cool, and consciously so, explcitly stating only that we'll meet whenever available and that, following another ill-fated, long-term LDR, she won't enter into that sort of thing again. We talk openly about the ability to see other people, though neither of us has ever admitted any extra-cirricular activities to the other; personally, I'd see it as counter-productive in this instance, especially when my candidness won't be reciprocated. Easy, you might say: she's not that bothered about you, read the 'Cures For One-itis Manual' and move on. Perhaps you're right. However, both my own conclusions and the advice I've received from mutual friends is that she's not the type to play the FWB game without having a wider goal. These impressions are affirmed somewhat by the nature of our rendezvous; we tend to go on dates first and foremost, with the only romantic intimacy (and by this I mean holding hands upwards) coming behind closed doors. If dates are all she wants, surely she could find a casual relationship closer to home? Like I say, I'm happy with the current scenario, but my problem is that I know I'd want to take things forward in the right circumstances and if she doesn't hold a similar view then I'd be better off getting out now before I get seriously hurt. I've heard horror stories about people having rings run round them even in formal LDRs, so I'd love to hear any pearls of wisdom you well-versed people have given this brief overview. Those with previous experience of romantically aloof middle-class British girls would be particularly helpful! Many thanks.
folieadeux Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I think you both just need to sit down and have a serious talk about what the pair of you want and what is to be expected. If she isn't able to give you a concrete answer for whatever reason, this really isn't worth pursuing. Being in this sort of relationship would be hard enough on its own, let alone with the miles between you.
Author Koelkast Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks for replying. Yeah, the way you describe's the obvious route to take, but I've never been in a situation before where such a "talk" has the potential to take the other person so far out of their comfort zone, especially when it's someone who values having a degree of control over the situation. I guess my question is: is asking the Big Questions always worth it regardless of the ramifications? The temptation is to leave the status quo (which as I've said before is pretty sweet, and should be for a while at least) and to dip my toe in my local area too so as to avoid succumbing to one-itis, but I suspect this is a high-risk, low-margin play.
creighton0123 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 First: Rules are only important if the two of you are playing games. It really does sound like you're asking us what she is thinking. In any relationship, there really shouldn't be all that many 'big questions'. You said "I suspect this is a high-risk, low-margin play"... Why are you using words like this? You've been in a casual LDR for a few years now... things have to progress further and you need to figure out what both of you want out of this relationship and where you see it going. The only way to do that is to talk about it in person and figure out exactly what your plans are for the future. You need an answer and you need it soon. When push comes to shove, you might not like the answer you get and it may hurt you, but you'll both be better for it in the long run. If you want one thing and she wants another, chances are you'll fester some resentment and doubt that will pile up as time goes on until things literally become impossible to manage and communication becomes essentially unachievable. Right now, you seem to be in a "fix it or end it" place that requires a decent amount of honest, mature, and rational communication and a bit of sacrifice on both parts. Really, though, you both need to stop playing the relationship game and start having a relationship.
Author Koelkast Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Wow. An answer like that deserves attention, but first: You've been in a casual LDR for a few years now... It's been 10 months, in which time we've met in person on 6/7 occasions. I would, rightly or wrongly, still class this as fairly early days. The only way to do that is to talk about it in person and figure out exactly what your plans are for the future. You need an answer and you need it soon. When push comes to shove, you might not like the answer you get and it may hurt you, but you'll both be better for it in the long run. Right now, you seem to be in a "fix it or end it" place that requires a decent amount of honest, mature, and rational communication and a bit of sacrifice on both parts. I've thrown these two in together, as they're dancing around the same maypole for my money. I wouldn't say it's quite 'fix it or end it', but I'm wondering if the current scenario (i.e. I put my cards down, trust her to do the right, or at least honourable, thing) is satifsfactory, and I keep coming up with 'no'. Frank clarification is definitely the right approach though, something I've kinda known all along; having it rammed down my throat will hopefully get rid of the last shreds of denial! If you want one thing and she wants another, chances are you'll fester some resentment and doubt that will pile up as time goes on until things literally become impossible to manage and communication becomes essentially unachievable. Easily the best point you make IMO. I know my position, she knows my position, but I don't know what she wants (or even if she knows what she wants) and the not knowing leaves me feeling in limbo, regardless of the steady pace at which we're taking things. BTW in the scenario you describe, yes, I probably would feel resentment. Thanks for taking the time.
folieadeux Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Thanks for replying. Yeah, the way you describe's the obvious route to take, but I've never been in a situation before where such a "talk" has the potential to take the other person so far out of their comfort zone, especially when it's someone who values having a degree of control over the situation. I guess my question is: is asking the Big Questions always worth it regardless of the ramifications? The temptation is to leave the status quo (which as I've said before is pretty sweet, and should be for a while at least) and to dip my toe in my local area too so as to avoid succumbing to one-itis, but I suspect this is a high-risk, low-margin play. If it's really meant to be and you both want to be together, it'll just happen. You can't force it. It hasn't thus far and if you think this is worth giving another shot, you'll have to sit down and have "the talk." It doesn't seem like you're happy with the current situation and I honestly couldn't see how anyone would be, in my opinion. LDRs, as you know, take an incredible amount of time, money, and dedication...just to name a few things. If you're both seeing other people in the meantime, I fail to see the point in being together at all. Either make the committment to be together exclusively, or just break it off and find people more suited to your individual personalities. For me, it really is a black and white situation.
Joe Normal Posted February 6, 2011 Posted February 6, 2011 If it's really meant to be and you both want to be together, it'll just happen. You can't force it. It hasn't thus far and if you think this is worth giving another shot, you'll have to sit down and have "the talk." It doesn't seem like you're happy with the current situation and I honestly couldn't see how anyone would be, in my opinion. LDRs, as you know, take an incredible amount of time, money, and dedication...just to name a few things. If you're both seeing other people in the meantime, I fail to see the point in being together at all. Either make the committment to be together exclusively, or just break it off and find people more suited to your individual personalities. For me, it really is a black and white situation. I agree. Come on man, 10 months and you still don't have a clue where you stand? Women who are really serious about you don't sit around for almost an entire year keeping you guessing, they let you know what they want. That's how mature adults should be acting. This 'LDR' is a dud and you know it. Time to hit eject. Or if you prefer, get strung along for another 10 months and miss the chance to meet your real soulmate.
Recommended Posts