EyeAlone Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 So I have been known to overreact and jump to conclusions prematurely when it comes to guys' interest levels in a relationship, but I really feel it this time, I think. We've been dating 3 months now and things have been going very well. But I don't know; I feel like I've been a boring person recently. I can't really explain it but I feel like I appear lifeless to him. He hasn't treated me or reacted differently to me from what I can tell, but I still feel like I've been boring. We usually hang out twice a week: once on the weekend and once sometime in the middle of the week because our schedules are pretty busy. However, this week that won't be happening because he will be out of town for school reasons Wed-Fri and then it's one of his good friend's bday Fri night. When he told me that yesterday, I said that I'll just have to wait and see him next weekend. Then he replied, "Yeah, hopefully." Wtf? So my reasoning as to why he is losing interest is My boring self recently + his less-than-affirmative answer = loss of interest What do you think? Does this sound suspicious? Or does it sound like I'm overreacting?
Nexus One Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) You're over-analyzing. Most of the time guys mean things exactly the way it's coming out of their mouth. So if he says: "yeah hopefully" then he's actually hoping to see you, but perhaps he might be unsure if something else might come up that would mess his schedule up. So that could be the reason for him to say it like that. And also, if he really likes you, then it doesn't matter to him very much how you conduct yourself. All he sees is a girl he wants to be with. Edited January 30, 2011 by Nexus One
carhill Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 During or after he said 'yeah, hopefully', what did he *do* ? IMO, one should put words within the context of actions. Can you point to any specific examples of why you feel 'boring'?
Author EyeAlone Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 During or after he said 'yeah, hopefully', what did he *do* ? IMO, one should put words within the context of actions. Can you point to any specific examples of why you feel 'boring'?To answer your first question, carhill, I was walking him to his car (he spent the night at my place) and I was asking him what he was going to be doing that day at work/school. He gave me a list of all the things he needed to do that day and I made a cynical comment about how much fun that all sounded and he agreed. He gave me a hug, said "I'll see ya when I see ya" (his typical goodbye), and then proceeded to tell me that it may be about a week or so because of him leaving town and his friend's bday (we had already talked about all this stuff beforehand). Then I made some comment about waiting to see him this weekend (I forgot exactly what I said) and he replied "Yeah, hopefully." Then he kissed me goodbye. To answer your second question, I guess what I'm worried about is that I feel like a boring person compared to him. He's a very enthusiastic extroverted person and sometimes I feel like he's the one doing most of the talking. Like the last time we hung out, I asked him for his opinion on what kind of pet to buy. He looooooooves exotic animals so he talked for almost 2 hours about his opinions on what would make a good pet, showed me pictures of these animals online, talked about all this stuff he's read about them, etc. I chimed in some, but not nearly as much as he did. I think his enthusiasm is adorable but I can't compete with his talkativeness and extroversion so I appear mute compared to him. I'm really worried that it will be the downfall of the relationship. For the record, I've had this fear since date #1 since he did most of the talking when we first went out. I've always felt like the less interesting person compared to him.
carhill Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 1. Since this conversation occurred during a goodbye, would you say such partings are usual and customary and indicative of the intimacy you share and you feel and have felt positive about them in the past? IOW, if it's consistent and satisfying to you in the past, something within yourself has changed to impact your perception. Could it be how you feel about yourself right now? 2. It sounds like you have different communication styles. When you seize a subject you are passionate about, do you find him to be an active listener? Or, is he the type of man who always wishes to be in charge of conversation? How does his style of interaction match up with your own? Do you feel heard? Does his style of talk transfer to his interactions with others? Is he the same or different? Does he ever inquire as to 'what's on your mind', since you're apparently more quiet than he? Overall, would you say your relationship is satisfying to you? Pick an interaction with someone where you do feel 'interesting'. What about that dynamic differs from what you've outlined here? BTW, no need to answer the questions directly. They're for reflection. These are exercises I learned in MC. Good luck
Nexus One Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I think his enthusiasm is adorable but I can't compete with his talkativeness and extroversion so I appear mute compared to him. I'm really worried that it will be the downfall of the relationship. For the record, I've had this fear since date #1 since he did most of the talking when we first went out. I've always felt like the less interesting person compared to him. He's with you for a reason and it seems like you can't put your finger on why he likes you. It's possible that he's a "producer" of conversational content and that you are an "absorber" of that content. It's possible that you two are simply compatible to each other in that way.
Author EyeAlone Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 1. Since this conversation occurred during a goodbye, would you say such partings are usual and customary and indicative of the intimacy you share and you feel and have felt positive about them in the past? IOW, if it's consistent and satisfying to you in the past, something within yourself has changed to impact your perception. Could it be how you feel about yourself right now?Yes, this is how our usual partings are. We briefly talk about our schedules will be for the upcoming few days and that we'll contact each other in a few days to work out another date. He's always been consistent with that so I've trusted him and felt positive and satisfied in the past but this time, I don't know... Maybe you're right. Maybe it's my self-esteem. I'm not sure. 2. It sounds like you have different communication styles. When you seize a subject you are passionate about, do you find him to be an active listener? Or, is he the type of man who always wishes to be in charge of conversation? How does his style of interaction match up with your own? Do you feel heard? Does his style of talk transfer to his interactions with others? Is he the same or different? Does he ever inquire as to 'what's on your mind', since you're apparently more quiet than he? Overall, would you say your relationship is satisfying to you? Pick an interaction with someone where you do feel 'interesting'. What about that dynamic differs from what you've outlined here? BTW, no need to answer the questions directly. They're for reflection. These are exercises I learned in MC. Good luck He's with you for a reason and it seems like you can't put your finger on why he likes you. It's possible that he's a "producer" of conversational content and that you are an "absorber" of that content. It's possible that you two are simply compatible to each other in that way.When I'm leading the conversation, he's an active listener and gives me room to speak. I don't get the impression that he's power-hungry when it comes to control of conversation. I haven't seen him interact with a variety of people since I've only known him for a few months but based on those interactions, he seems to be the same enthusiastic extrovert that he is with me. Sometimes he will prod me with an open-ended question so I have a chance to lead the conversation. But yes, overall, I do feel like this relationship is satisfying to me. I really enjoy spending time with him, he treats me well, we have similar goals and values in life, similar interests. Honestly he reminds me of a male version of myself, except more extroverted. Although we have only been going out for a short period of time, these few months are the best months when I lump all of my relationships together. Actually, this dynamic is very similar to the conversational dynamics that I have with my very good friends. As you mentioned, Nexus, my friends will generally be the producers and I'll be the absorber. My friends recognize that dynamic and have explicitly commented that they enjoy it and accept me for how I contribute to conversations. I trust that they are not disappointed in my conversational skills and they are not judging me. I guess I'm still trying to attain that trust in the current guy? I think that's why I'm worried about appearing boring.
carhill Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I think that's why I'm worried about appearing boring. Thanks for all the answers. Have you asked him specifically how he views you? How you 'appear' to him? How he feels about your interactions and conversations? I mean, if you can be as intimate with him as two humans can be, you can ask him a simple question or two, right? I'll throw an example out there... 'Sometimes, when I'm with you, I feel boring and inadequate compared to your energetic and extroverted personality. How do you view our interactions and feel about me when we're together?' Listen.
dispatch3d Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 This is a completely internal feeling you're having right now. Hard to pinpoint why it's there. Your self esteem could just be dropping, or he hasn't been showing affection the way you prefer to receive it. fwiw I know with my friends I constantly have self esteem drops. Like little thoughts such as "<this person> doesn't like me anymore" etc. I generally just tell myself I'm being irrational and ignore the thought (rather than focus on it). Part of the reason is similar to yours. I see some friends as seldom as 2-3 times/month, so it's very hard to be certain I'm "still" in the good graces of anyone (I usually am though!). with friends it's a bit different, but basically if we ARE fighting it doesn't help if I'm "flipping out" (such as worrying they don't like me). I'm much better off assuming everythings great, and if there is a problem they will let me know. Then I can deal with it from a neutral/objective standpoint and usually resolve whatever is wrong (if it's brought up). If you search for something that's wrong, you'll always find something. Instead focus on what's going right.
Author EyeAlone Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks for all the answers. Have you asked him specifically how he views you? How you 'appear' to him? How he feels about your interactions and conversations? I mean, if you can be as intimate with him as two humans can be, you can ask him a simple question or two, right? I'll throw an example out there... 'Sometimes, when I'm with you, I feel boring and inadequate compared to your energetic and extroverted personality. How do you view our interactions and feel about me when we're together?' Listen.I have never outright asked him how he views me, but he has offered unsolicited opinions of myself. He did say that I appeared to be a "female version of himself", which is ironic since I felt the same about him except for the whole extroversion aspect. However, he said this a while back and so I don't know if his opinion has changed or not. He has practically no verbal filter and seems to say whatever comes to his mind so I'm hoping that if he does find me boring he won't drag this out This is a completely internal feeling you're having right now. Hard to pinpoint why it's there. Your self esteem could just be dropping, or he hasn't been showing affection the way you prefer to receive it. fwiw I know with my friends I constantly have self esteem drops. Like little thoughts such as "<this person> doesn't like me anymore" etc. I generally just tell myself I'm being irrational and ignore the thought (rather than focus on it). Part of the reason is similar to yours. I see some friends as seldom as 2-3 times/month, so it's very hard to be certain I'm "still" in the good graces of anyone (I usually am though!). with friends it's a bit different, but basically if we ARE fighting it doesn't help if I'm "flipping out" (such as worrying they don't like me). I'm much better off assuming everythings great, and if there is a problem they will let me know. Then I can deal with it from a neutral/objective standpoint and usually resolve whatever is wrong (if it's brought up). If you search for something that's wrong, you'll always find something. Instead focus on what's going right.My self-esteem wavers all the time. The only sort of affection that could prevent that is constant daily reassurance, but that's ridiculous. I have the mindset that goes like this: "Sure, he said he liked me yesterday and found me interesting, but what about today? What if his opinion of me changed overnight?" I know I need to let go and learn to trust, but I can't. Something is preventing me.
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