Mavisse Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Hi all. I'm brand-new to this forum, though lurking here was where I first learned about No Contact (in the more formal sense) and it has really helped me move on from a break-up that hit me pretty hard. It's over now, for certain, but I'm still feeling sad and I wonder if anyone can help me understand what has happened? My ex and I were talking marriage right before our split in early October. Post break-up, he changed his mind and few times, back and forth. But I think, "YOU AND ME ARE OVER!!!!!" are the last words I heard from my long-distance love before I finally implemented NC in early November, and I didn't hear from him at all over the holidays--which totally surprised me. And it hurt. But I lived through it! Then suddenly, last Saturday I came home to find a friends request from him on Facebook. I thought about it the whole night, and finally caved on Sunday morning. I thought maybe he had changed his mind again... There were a few things on his Facebook profile that worried me, however. First, he had typed some of the lyrics to "our song" on his status, and written another post asking, "why doesn't ANYBODY love me????" I was really reluctant to jump to the conclusion that these posts were meant for my eyes. Because seeing secret messages where they don't exist is classic pyscho/stalker behaviour, right? And we both knew it was his decision to split. Plus, our song is by U2--his fave band of more than 20 years--so maybe it had nothing to do with me, I don't know... In any case, he never wrote me a single message, or made any contact with me, except for that one request. Then, 48 hours later, he dropped me from his friends' list. I felt like I had been punched. I immediately wrote to him, asking why. No response. Then I wrote again, explaining that it looked as though he was just wanting a chance to poke around my profile out of idle curiosity, and that nothing had changed. I still loved him, and I was worried that I had somehow offended him....still no reply. Then I asked him to call, because if something was wrong, I wanted to help and he did not call. Forty-eight hours and a blinding headache later, I realized that if I was ever going to get over this I would have to make it impossible for him to contact me, and I blocked him from my Facebook and e-mail and and changed my phone number. I miss him terribly, but I know it's for the best. But I still feel like I need to know, why might he have pulled that Facebook stunt? Do you think the song lyrics and the sad note about nobody loving him (which, incidentally, nobody ever replied to) were meant for me? Should I have acknowledged that stuff? Maybe my silence (which was really just fear!) wrecked my chance of reconciling? I have scoured my own Facebook page for anything that might have offended him. There are some very mildly flirtatious posts from male friends...who knows? I'd be grateful for your thoughts.
freeoralone7 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I think that your ended up hurting yourself more by accepting his friend request. You gave him all the power to ignore you like he did. He was being manipulative just to hurt you and thats what happened. The quotes and other posts and everything else he did was clearly to get to you. Not because he wants you back but because he wants to know that you still want him. Stick to NC and ignore him if he ever tries to contact you. Also maybe unblock him from your email or phone because if he has no way to contact you you will just be wondering all the time if he has or hasnt tried to contact you. If you do unblock him from email or phone at least you will know when he has tried to contact you, and you can ignore him.
bluebirdsfly Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Post break-up, he changed his mind and few times, back and forth.... Then suddenly, last Saturday I came home to find a friends request from him on Facebook. I thought about it the whole night, and finally caved on Sunday morning. I thought maybe he had changed his mind again... ...In any case, he never wrote me a single message, or made any contact with me, except for that one request. Then, 48 hours later, he dropped me from his friends' list. See, this is his behavior pattern. Back and forth. He won't change. Move on!
Author Mavisse Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Also maybe unblock him from your email or phone because if he has no way to contact you you will just be wondering all the time if he has or hasnt tried to contact you. If you do unblock him from email or phone at least you will know when he has tried to contact you, and you can ignore him. Thanks for your reply! I don't trust myself to make the right choice if he ever contacted me. Plus, I would drive myself nuts waiting to hear from him, when this way I will just (soon, hopefully!) move on. But I'm hearing that you think it would be better to know if he's trying to get in touch...how come?
Author Mavisse Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 See, this is his behavior pattern. Back and forth. He won't change. Move on! You're so right. You would have thought 3 months no contact--over Christmas and New Years no less--would help break the pattern, but no. So you also think the song lyrics and sad note were meant for my eyes? Thanks for replying.
lululucy Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 He seems he wants to keep you enthralled with him.. so it's possible he could have planted that stuff there before he requested your friendship. Or he could just like the song. You'll never know, but the important thing is getting to the point where you really don't CARE what he meant. He definitely just wanted to snoop on your page, he got his fix and then he wanted to throw you through another loop. I personally haven't blocked my ex on any medium. I told him unless he wanted to seriously talk about giving us another shot, not to contact me. By leaving everything unblocked, every day there is a (really really hard) reminder that he doesn't want to give it another try. Not yet anyway. Maybe one day, but I hope by then I won't want him back.
Author Mavisse Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 By leaving everything unblocked, every day there is a (really really hard) reminder that he doesn't want to give it another try. Not yet anyway. Maybe one day, but I hope by then I won't want him back. Wow! You sound really strong. I will give unblocking some serious thought...
Gossamer Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 The thing that most stood out from your post is that you're doing something I would do. That is, take responsibility for my ex's bad behavior. And then scan the horizon, searching for any wisps of evidence of anything that could have caused his extreme and inexplicable behavior. I think your ex is holding onto some sort of resentment, but something inconsequential, which immature guys do as a way of de-committing when they are confused and overwhelmed by the work required to be a mature adult who can maintain a healthy relationship. If he is anything like my ex, he is resorting to guilting you, so he can control you as a way of retaliating. My ex also did this oscillation thing. What I did find out after he dumped me in a really cold/cruel way on a subway platform before a date (not that we didn't have issues, but he finally showed me his inability to handle being in an open, honest relationship due to his emotional immaturity), is that he had a ton of stored-up resentments against me. When we finally talked about them after the breakup, he admitted that many of them were inconsequential. It hurt and confused the hell out of me. Like you, I was shellshocked by his drawing me in, and then pushing me out, without explanation. I went total NC around Thanksgiving. I tried really hard to create a post-relationship dynamic of friendship as I have some good, solid relationships with exes in my life. But I was never dumped in as cold and cruel a manner as my last ex, and now that I have gone NC for over 2 months, I realize that anything that he says or does to imply, by his oscillating, push/pull behavior, or says after the breakup to justify his overreactions, is questionable. I too wanted to take full responsibility for anything I had done to cause him to "punish" me. I too chased after him to "make it right", not even because I wanted him back as a boyfriend, but because I couldn't bear the thought that I had done something so terrible to him to cause him to dump me as he did. I am still struggling with, every day, telling myself that I was not a bad girlfriend. The after-shocks of being "punished" with silence, immaturity, overreactions, abrupt cutoffs can really eff you up. It's been since July that we've been broken up, and, as I say, I still struggle with blaming myself. Please don't take that bait from him. Understand that he is a *coward* to have run away as he did, and to continue to punish you, by drawing you in, and passive aggressively shoving you back out. That is unacceptable and he is in for a future of troubled intimacies. He needs too much work, so I'd steer clear...go NC...protect yourself from this kind of sadistic punishment. He is acting like a 3-year old because he doesn't know what he wants, and his tantrums need to stop. I stopped my exes tantrums by going NC. Now he has to stew in his own bad behavior without me. ;-) Peace and love. /Gossamer Hi all. I'm brand-new to this forum, though lurking here was where I first learned about No Contact (in the more formal sense) and it has really helped me move on from a break-up that hit me pretty hard. It's over now, for certain, but I'm still feeling sad and I wonder if anyone can help me understand what has happened? My ex and I were talking marriage right before our split in early October. Post break-up, he changed his mind and few times, back and forth. But I think, "YOU AND ME ARE OVER!!!!!" are the last words I heard from my long-distance love before I finally implemented NC in early November, and I didn't hear from him at all over the holidays--which totally surprised me. And it hurt. But I lived through it! Then suddenly, last Saturday I came home to find a friends request from him on Facebook. I thought about it the whole night, and finally caved on Sunday morning. I thought maybe he had changed his mind again... There were a few things on his Facebook profile that worried me, however. First, he had typed some of the lyrics to "our song" on his status, and written another post asking, "why doesn't ANYBODY love me????" I was really reluctant to jump to the conclusion that these posts were meant for my eyes. Because seeing secret messages where they don't exist is classic pyscho/stalker behaviour, right? And we both knew it was his decision to split. Plus, our song is by U2--his fave band of more than 20 years--so maybe it had nothing to do with me, I don't know... In any case, he never wrote me a single message, or made any contact with me, except for that one request. Then, 48 hours later, he dropped me from his friends' list. I felt like I had been punched. I immediately wrote to him, asking why. No response. Then I wrote again, explaining that it looked as though he was just wanting a chance to poke around my profile out of idle curiosity, and that nothing had changed. I still loved him, and I was worried that I had somehow offended him....still no reply. Then I asked him to call, because if something was wrong, I wanted to help and he did not call. Forty-eight hours and a blinding headache later, I realized that if I was ever going to get over this I would have to make it impossible for him to contact me, and I blocked him from my Facebook and e-mail and and changed my phone number. I miss him terribly, but I know it's for the best. But I still feel like I need to know, why might he have pulled that Facebook stunt? Do you think the song lyrics and the sad note about nobody loving him (which, incidentally, nobody ever replied to) were meant for me? Should I have acknowledged that stuff? Maybe my silence (which was really just fear!) wrecked my chance of reconciling? I have scoured my own Facebook page for anything that might have offended him. There are some very mildly flirtatious posts from male friends...who knows? I'd be grateful for your thoughts.
Author Mavisse Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 The thing that most stood out from your post is that you're doing something I would do. That is, take responsibility for my ex's bad behavior. And then scan the horizon, searching for any wisps of evidence of anything that could have caused his extreme and inexplicable behavior. You pretty much nailed that...Thanks for helping me see it so clearly! lululucy...I was thinking about what you said about unblocking my ex. If he were really desperate to talk to me, he does know where I work and could leave a message there. So I guess I still know when he's not trying to reach me. With the blocks on the phone and FB, I feel like I can still enjoy Facebook with friends and family and quiet nights at home alone without the stress...sounds silly, I know.
lululucy Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 lululucy...I was thinking about what you said about unblocking my ex. If he were really desperate to talk to me, he does know where I work and could leave a message there. So I guess I still know when he's not trying to reach me. With the blocks on the phone and FB, I feel like I can still enjoy Facebook with friends and family and quiet nights at home alone without the stress...sounds silly, I know. Absolutely, if it works for you then keep it up. It's all about finding ways to make our own coping/healing easier, right? It doesn't sound silly at all, I am incredibly stressed just seeing his facebook -- I really should delete him again, since I only re-added him after he told me it really hurt his feelings. FB was a terrible invention p.s. what part of Canada are you in? I'm from Manitoba
Gossamer Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Hey Ladies I unfriended him as soon as he dumped me in July. But then in October, took back a bit more of my power when I blocked him. Even though we were unfriended, I was still checking his photos, because I missed him so much and it felt like losing a limb if I did not check to see that he was still there. It hurt me though when I saw photos of him on the trip we were supposed to take together. Now I can't check him/his photos, because I blocked him. This is also an important step as far as sending a message to the ex that he can't push/pull you with such ease. And that he's gonna have to try harder to get your attention vs. selfishly acting out his impulses. Mostly, these dudes have a lot of respect-earning to do if they want anything remotely restorative to happen. Some of my other exes have restored some trust, and I have a few good friends post-dating. We shouldn't consider risking offering any form of contact or trust with anyone who so callously destroyed ours. Absolutely, if it works for you then keep it up. It's all about finding ways to make our own coping/healing easier, right? It doesn't sound silly at all, I am incredibly stressed just seeing his facebook -- I really should delete him again, since I only re-added him after he told me it really hurt his feelings. FB was a terrible invention p.s. what part of Canada are you in? I'm from Manitoba
Author Mavisse Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 FB was a terrible invention p.s. what part of Canada are you in? I'm from Manitoba On FB...I love keeping in touch with cousins and friends all over the world...but I'll be really hesitant to go down that route with a boyfriend again. I found myself lurking on his page, searching for signs that he missed me. I was super self-conscious about all my movements and it was soooo unhealthy. And then there's the fact that nobody really understands why something as innocuous as a friends request could send me into such a tailspin...My friends who don't use FB were really confused by that! LOL I live in small-town BC. But I have often wished I could move to Winnipeg, which I'm told is a really cool city. Manitoba is beautiful!
Author Mavisse Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 I should add, if anyone has time, I would love to hear more opinions on my original post.
WTRanger Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 When someone drops you from their life like a hot potato, it really hurts. As you said, you scanned everything for something you may have done to offend him. The truth is, nothing you could have done would have changed anything. You could have had a blank FB page and he would have done the same thing. His nutty, gutless, cowardly behavior is not something you can ever hope to understand. You'll drive yourself bonkers trying to figure it out. What you need to strive for at this point is forgiveness. Though let me point this out, forgiveness in this sense does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally. You need to be at peace with the fact that he's going to push/pull for the rest of his life. This isn't a personal attack on only you. He's probably done this act with many other women in his life. It's how he copes, though as bad as it is. Work on giving up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them. The only person you can control is you. You can only be at peace with your actions, your life, your choices. If he wants to run away from his problems, that's on him and not for you to change or figure out. I'm dealing with the same push/pull appear/disappearing act with someone I truly cared about. It's not been easy, but once I started to work towards being at peace with what happened, I found myself feeling much better. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.
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