MrsDamaged Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 This is going to be long so please bare with me, I need advice and guide. We have been together for 24 years , married for 6 of those. We have 6 children and 1 grandson. We were young when we got together I was 15 he was 17. We got pregnant right away and our baby passed away when I was 7 months pregnant. Everything went good, H had a little bit of a drinking problem but it was nothing I couldn't deal with. By 98 we had 4 kids, we went through a hard patch when both of us were addicted to chat rooms. Of course we both ended up having EA online. We talked about it and both decided we needed a break from each other. 2 months before our wedding. After 2 weeks I had a one night stand, worse mistake ever. I wanted my H back but he was back to drinking heavy and doing hard drugs. I ended hooking up with a guy which moved in with me. He was 6 years younger then me and very immature. He came right from mommas house. One night H came over like always to tuck the babies in bed, he asked me that night if I missed him. I did I missed our family and my husband. The problem was I found out the day before I was pregnant. I explained that all to him and he said he would think about it all. Needless to say 11 years later he has been there for our son . Things were good, but H was drinking a lot and sometimes not coming home for days at a time. It was a really rough patch! Come to 2004, H went out of town and was drinking he had not drank in a long time. He ended up driving home and hit a steel sign that came through the window and just about killed his cousin. It scared the ........ out of him and wanted to get married. SO we did the next month. During this year H became addicted to Xbox Live. I was working night shift and was dealing with the kids, and bills , the house and everything plus working at night. I ended up having a nerves breakdown and had to quit my job. I became addicted to the same game H played and I started to drink. I sat in my room and drank all day and played video games. One night I wanted my H to come cuddle with me, I just wanted to feel his arms around me. I missed him, when I asked him to come to bed he said NO I'm playing my game. I thought what ever then, few days later I hooked up with a guy online that paid me attention. I use to play with him a alot and we talked alot. One day I got up packed my stuff and walked out. H had all the kids and I just didn't care. I was not in my right mind at all. H got hurt at work and ended up losing his job which meant he had to move to his home town with the kids. It lasted about 1 months when he called me to come and get them . I went and picked all of them up and took them to my home. It lasted a little over a month and I couldn't take it , he was controlling , following me around like a puppy. I ended up keeping the 2 older girls and he kept the 3 younger ones. ONe day he dropped off the 3 younger ones and didn't say anything. He started to do crazy things, killing himself, driving down the freeway on the wrong side, following me around town. I had to make the decision to move to my parents farm . We were there for about 4 months. H and I worked through a lot of our issues and we got back together. We moved back to the city into a new home. That day I found out that I was pregnant. Things were good, or as good as can be. In 2008 we decided to move out of the city and to his hometown,the first 6 months here were great ! We had a lot of fun and you could tell we were in love. Fast Forward to Oct, we brought our first house , moved in on Oct 26th. I started to notice weird things about H . He would hide his cell, take him forever to come back from the store. Wouldn't hold me at night , no sex nothing. I confided in my SIL saying I think he is talking to someone. I don't know how to mend my marriage. She told me everything is okay and he would never cheat on you. November came and I found out H was meeting SIL in secret! They had been talking for 5 months. I never had hard proof till a few weeks ago. On Dec 30th H told me he was done and wanted out. 2 weeks ago I got up and had this horrible feeling that something was not right. SO I hacked into my SIL phone account and there it was, My H was calling her morning, noon and night and in between times. It was all there, I called H and told him to go to the storage unit and get me my luggage. I was done. He came home saying what is your problem . I showed him what I found , he couldn't say much. SIL said they stopped talking cause H has a wife that loves him and she didn't want to lose me as a SIL> So this morning I ask H have you had any contact with SIL he says honestly yes. We have feelings for each other, we never met it to happen that way . I asked him if his Brother knew. He said that SIL called him yesterday saying that she felt bad cause her H is trying so hard to mend their marriage but she has feelings for my H. My H told her to be honest so she did. And my BIL called my H screaming at him, crying telling him to stay the F away from his family ! Me and H have been to one Marriage Counseling session , I have gone 3 more time. H says that he could see us together and happy in the future but my past he can't deal with. I asked him if he wanted to go back to Marriage Counseling to see if she can help us. He still talks about us in the future. How we are going to do this in the new house, how we need to buy a new car. But when I ask him he is 100% sure he is done with our marriage. Is it possible that my H can get over all this and we can move on? If he allows me to connect with him and be inmiate with him would that help erase all the bad ? Anyone have some suggestions please .
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 You two have both made tons of mistakes, the coping, communication and listening skills aren't there. I say, continue with marriage counselling, reguardless if you stay together or divorce because you two NEED to have respect for one another and get along well enough (again either together or divorced) for the kids sake. He will always be in your life, because of the kids. You two have a long history and some of it isn't good. Do you love him? do you feel he's worth fighting for? Are you both wlling to do EVERYTHING necessary to fix things, try to learn to trust one another again? If yes, then go for it. Try it one last time, give it your best.. If it doesn't work out atleast you'll know you tried. If no, then divorce and continue with marriage counselling, family counselling. As for your SIL, now her H knows what's been going on, hopefully they will stay away from eachother. You seem to want this, but your H isn't ready to forgive you for your mistakes. TWO wrongs do not make a right.
Author MrsDamaged Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 I want this more then anything. We have never made our marriage #1. H on the other hand thinks the only way he can be happy is for us to be done. I want to bring some things up to my MC and see what she says on Monday! If she feels there is a chance we can pull through all this then I will ask H to come the next week. Maybe he will need to go alone for a few sessions
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