Capricciosa Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I've been reading a lot of the encouragement about NC, and I'm keeping it so far, but my thoughts about the ex are coming fast and furious, and I need to do something with them! I'm enduring this second weekend on my own as best I can, but I am starting to get resentful. What would I tell him if I were talking to him? That he was not that great to be around for the past few months because he was so unhappy with himself and his lack of motivation and ability to take care of his own business, so instead he picked on me, was never quite satisfied, had expectations of exactly how I should be in order to be worthy of him--thank him profusely for every little thing he did because he was feeling useless and under-appreciated with no real job; never protest if his plans and desires interfered with mine; deal with all those nights he said he'd call and didn't because he was out with his friends, avoiding the work that he needed to do; adjust my tone and my manner of speaking so that there was never an inkling that I knew something he didn't, even though I am in school again, going for a 2nd master's degree soon, and am generally prized for both my insight and my ability to say things as they are. There was also the issue of him not being able to contribute anything real to the conversation because he was not involved with anything outside his leisurely little life, admonishing me because he said I complained to much about school/job, and always assuming that I would come up with a plan for the weekend--provide the entertainment other than the cooking (which he did). He also made me feel less important if there were any other guests around, be it at a dinner party we threw or went to. &%$#!@ him! And then on top of it, he comes over to my place last Friday, full of drama and nausea and tells me the relationship is not working for him, indeed, is keeping him from progressing in his own work--no prior discussion, no nothing but a ton of bricks precipitated by a bad visit to his therapist the day before who told him to get his s&*t together and also told him if he was not all in the relationship, he should get out! I spent close to a year relating to this man every single day, I put up with less than ideal circumstances because I knew he was feeling bad about himself, and I was biding my time until he felt better, and he dumps me because his therapist told him to! Is this a man or a selfish coward? Did I say that in the meanwhile, I'm in school, I have a job, freelance work, I own a house which I have to manage, and have another large project coming my way in the next few weeks, while he has spent the last months participating in sports, cleaning his apartment (obsessively) and behaving like I was some great promise that turned out to be a dud. I'm also kind of mad at myself, because I had round one with him about 10 years ago, and it didn't work out, and for the most part I was not his friend in the intervening years. But i got pulled back in since we both still had an attraction to each other and by promises of his having matured, changed, and being ready for something serious --"the time for dress rehearsals is over," he said. Well, apparently not. Thanks for letting me vent. I really don't want to get so worked up that I call him up and pick a fight with him. I need to put these feeling somewhere. If he thought my tone needed work all this time, he has no idea what I'm capable of when properly provoked. Grrrrrrrr.
cerridwen Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Don't be mad at yourself!! Lots of people would be willing to give an ex another try after some time. He reassured you too--promised changes, said all the right things. Don't blame yourself for giving it a chance! Sadly, some people just age I guess, rather than mature.
Author Capricciosa Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks, ladies, not the best night's sleep last night, but at least I'm arriving at the truth of the matter. I wanted him to be all that I needed so badly that I put up with behavior that I normally wouldn't. And the surface still looked good--it was the inside that was empty and dissatisfying. I'm sure the mood swings have just begun...
i made a mess Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks, ladies, not the best night's sleep last night, but at least I'm arriving at the truth of the matter. I wanted him to be all that I needed so badly that I put up with behavior that I normally wouldn't. And the surface still looked good--it was the inside that was empty and dissatisfying. I'm sure the mood swings have just begun... I cannot begin to tell you that your initial post felt like something I would have said about 3.5 years ago regarding an old boyfriend. This man was the most narcisistic ass clown I'd ever had the displeasure of knowing. I had been with my company for about 5 years at the time, and he had started his own business. When I followed him down to here to Florida, after 3 years of begging me to move so we could really give this a shot, I did so quite happily. I transferred with my company (who I'm still with after almost 9 years now), got my OWN place, paid all my own bills and didn't rely on him for a dime. Yet that pig had the audacity to tell me that I should want more for myself, I should start my own business, that I should be working out more since I "only worked 40 hours a week compared to his 100", that I shouldn't talk about things that I knew would upset him (god forbid I talk about how I went out and had actual fun with new friends since I had moved thousands of miles from my family and knew no one in the area at the time), all these little things to just peck away at my self esteem. Mean while, he and his brother are living together in a crappy apartment because they don't know how to live, nor can they afford to live on their own. Back home, I had tons of friends, was one of the top people in my department at work, was involved in a lot of volunteer/charity work, guys always asking me out, etc. I started trying to please him, think about everything I said before I said it. Not bring up things that I knew would make him pick on me, basically became a shell of a human being because I was walking on eggshells around him for so long. My mindset was, I'll wait it out while he's going through this rough period of time. I've known him 7 years, he was never like this before, the benefits will be 10 fold for me sticking by him through this. We'll get married, have babies and live happily ever after. After a year of living down here and his constant verbal and emotional abuse, I took a step back and asked myself "Is this really what I want? Is this love? I'm giving, giving, giving and yet getting nothing back from him." Sure, I've known him so long - but is that an excuse to keep tolerating all of this? Hell no! Finally, I woke my pretty little brain up and and said "Enough is enough". And girl, I let him have it. I told him exactly what I had been letting bottle up inside me that whole time. And for once, I didn't apologize. I didn't beg him to forgive me, try to salvage what "relationship" i thought we had. I walked away and didn't look back and I felt like 100 lbs was lifted off my chest. I'm still battling the residual effects of the long term mental and verbal abuse, but I am so much happier. I've dated since then and really felt what REAL love should feel like. It's out there, trust me, you just can't be scared of it when it does come. As cliche as it sounds, today is the first day of the rest of your life and I wouldn't waste another day on a jerk who is making you feel you have to prove yourself to be worthy of him. You are obviously a vibrant personality, intelligent, and on the right track in life...mean while bozo is just jealous of all you have going for yourself and wants to drag you down to his level. Don't let him do it. We're all here for you!!
Author Capricciosa Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 I started trying to please him, think about everything I said before I said it. Not bring up things that I knew would make him pick on me, basically became a shell of a human being because I was walking on eggshells around him for so long. My mindset was, I'll wait it out while he's going through this rough period of time. I've known him 7 years, he was never like this before, the benefits will be 10 fold for me sticking by him through this. We'll get married, have babies and live happily ever after. After a year of living down here and his constant verbal and emotional abuse, I took a step back and asked myself "Is this really what I want? Is this love? I'm giving, giving, giving and yet getting nothing back from him." Sure, I've known him so long - but is that an excuse to keep tolerating all of this? Hell no! It does sound that you know exactly what I'm talking about. I did ask those questions of myself, wrote them in my journal, but didn't do the right thing, which would have been to pull away as opposed to waiting for him to pull the rug out from under me. So apart from having endured the constant scrutiny and the chipping away of my self-esteem, I got his rejection and blame on top of it. Double whammy of blecchhh. As cliche as it sounds, today is the first day of the rest of your life and I wouldn't waste another day on a jerk who is making you feel you have to prove yourself to be worthy of him. You are obviously a vibrant personality, intelligent, and on the right track in life...mean while bozo is just jealous of all you have going for yourself and wants to drag you down to his level. Don't let him do it. We're all here for you!! Other friends brought up the issue of his envy, and I guess I felt it, but excused it. Did he want to drag me down to his level or down below him so he could be the man in charge, when clearly he was not in charge of his own life, though the surface is exceedingly shiny. He claims to love strong women, but I think he's fooling himself. I was fooled to. I guess he showed himself in the end--sensitive only to his own needs and full of rigid expectations. Thanks for projecting your self-loathing on me, buddy, like I was supposed to cure it for him but didn't so I became the focus of it. Anyway, thanks for the encouraging words. I'm sure you haven't heard the last from me. He'll hear a few things some day, too, but right now NC is keeping my sanity
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