Should past cheater boyfriend prove his fidelity to me?

[Missteek]

My boyfriend of 4 years left me last summer for an 18 year old girl. We are both in our late 40's. Their relationship only lasted for a couple of months before she dumped him. I still loved him and after a couple months of talking I let him move back in with me. He has apologized and swears he will never cheat again, and I hope he is sincere. Although he has lied to me a couple of times in the 5 months since we have been back together. We have been getting along pretty well except for week ago when I asked to look at his cell phone bill. He got really mad and said I need to trust him and stop being paranoid. I have never cheated or given him any reason to not trust me and my life is completely open to him and always has been. He knows every password I have and has free access to anything of mine. However, he has always kept his cell phone passwords private, and in the past I didn't mind because I trusted him completely. But now, I am insecure and would like him to prove to me that he isn't making calls to girls behind my back. He claims he has nothing to hide but also nothing to prove either. I told him if he will not let me see his phone records I do not want to be with him. So he has been sleeping out on the couch for the past week and we are not having sex. I told him to move out and he says he will when he is ready. Am I wrong for expecting him to be open with everything as I am with him? Doesn't it seem like he is hiding something by not letting me look at his phone bills? I don't want to be a jealous person but I also don't want to be a stupid person either.

[jenifer1972]

If there was nothing on it he could have resolved it in one minute instead of sleeping on the couch for a week.. Of course the history will be blank now, but that would tell you all you need to know too...

[paleblue]

I think you are doing the right thing Missteek. You are being smart. If there was nothing going on with his cell phone it shouldnt be an issue. Has he done all that he can to regain your trust in him?? Its not sounding like it. I think he should be thankful you gave him another chance. And I think he should be doing anything he can to to be open with you if he is 100% into this. I do think its bogus he is throwing that in your face already - getting mad and saying you need to trust him. Wtf dude. He ran out on you. Its only been 5 months since you been back together. That is not enought time to resolve these issues. So in my opinion you have every right to wonder. If he is not understanding of this than he is not respecting you.

 

I am of the opinion that once they sleep with someone else, its only a matter of time before they do it again. Might not be true, but thats the way I look at it due to past experiences. Im 38. Been around the block a couple times.

[cmh2002]

i wouldn't trust him if he had nothing to hide he would of just handed it to you to see. My husband and I know each others passwords and hes free to go on my phone or computer whatever anytime same for me.

[Whatshername]

They get mad because they are hiding something. Guilt makes them selfish to their own needs instead of relationally to you/the health of the relationship, as it puts them on the defensive.

[carhill]

OP, welcome to LS.

 

Presuming no past patterns of infidelity, would his overall behavior be indicative of MLC?

 

Of the four years together, how much of that was living together? To confirm, he lives *with* you, meaning you own your own home or rent a domicile in your name, correct?

 

Have you clearly communicated your boundaries?

 

'Due to your past infidelity, I need complete transparency to trust myself to continue with you. This includes access to your cell phone, computer, etc. How do you feel about that?'

 

IMO, if MLC, he's probably still in it. He got a taste of the younguns and he's hooked.

 

Personally, IMO, unless he is completely transparent and shows clear priority of the live-in intimate relationship, he'd be gone.

[cerridwen]

Am I wrong for expecting him to be open with everything as I am with him? Doesn't it seem like he is hiding something by not letting me look at his phone bills? I don't want to be a jealous person but I also don't want to be a stupid person either.

 

No, you're not wrong for expecting him to be open. It is ABSOLUTELY the least he can do. To heal, there needs to be completely transparency and reassurance.

 

Yes, it does seem like he is hiding something. He would turn over his phone bills if he wasn't--if only to prove you wrong.

 

Get rid of the notion that you're jealous. You're protecting yourself. Question is, do you want a relationship in which you have to watch your back?

[carhill]

OP, since you're new, MLC=mid-life crisis

[Woman In Blue]

I don't care what anyone says - there's something intrinsically WRONG with a middle-aged man in his 40's chasing TEENAGE girls. I'd be so repulsed by him after that behavior that I wouldn't ever be able to look at him again, much less let him back in my life. You're a braver woman than I - he would have been HISTORY if it had been me. You can blame it on mid-life crisis all you want - but that doesn't make it any less repulsive no matter what title we try to slap on it.

 

Quite honesly, Missteek, any man in his 40's who finds nothing wrong with coupling up with a teenage girl who just graduated from HIGH SCHOOL already has issues. The fact that he's STILL acting like a sneaky jerk with his phone doesn't surprise me in the least. He has no boundaries at all and he's already proven there's nothing beneath him, so he's not going to suddenly change into somoeone worthy of a relationship.

 

You didn't tell us whether it's your home or one you co-own with him. If it's YOUR home, throw his crap in garbage bags and kick his lecherous ass OUT, then change your locks. What a disgusting loser.

[Leviia]

I have to agree with what everyone else is saying. He's using you because he knows he can get away with it. You have every right to want honesty and openness and if he is getting angry at you for just wanting to see his cell phone bill ... he's hiding something.

 

I might expect someone who has NEVER lied, cheated or hurt you may get a bit upset if you were acting insecure like this but he cheated on you, lied to you and HURT you it is not unreasonable to want to validate your feelings. Liars get angry because they are hiding something and they try to gaslight you into thinking you are being retarded.

 

Trust me ... and look up gaslighting if you aren't sure what it is ... because his anger and refusing to sleep with you and telling you he'll leave when he's good and ready is just that. Make a decision, stick to it and force him to behave like the man he should be or go somewhere else and act like the child he is acting like right now.

[moloko]

Should past cheater boyfriend prove his fidelity to me?

 

No, past cheater boyfriend needs to try to play someone else for a fool.

[Whatshername]

I agree. Let him go back to who he cheated with and let her get hurt when he cheats on her.

 

It's plain disgusting, when they are SO selfish, they haven't the decency to break up with you before seeing someone else. It's the ultimate way to disrespect someone.