MrsDamaged Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I don't even know where to begin. H called it quits on the 30th of DEC. I have been asking him to re think specially for the kids. I know that is not a reason , but he never even told me that he was a hard time. Long story short, he turned to my SIL which is his Brothers Wife. They have been talking for just about 5 months. They are also trying to work out their marriage , the only difference is I knew that H and SIL were talking my BIL had no idea. I found out about the A a few weeks ago when I hacked into her Cell Phone Account. H has admitted that he has feelings for her, he says he never meant that to happen. They told each other they would end it before it got to that , but they never did. yesterday when SIL called my H and said I feel I guilty he is trying so hard and all I do is think about you ! H told her to be honest, so she was . BIL called H and freaked out and told him to stay away from his family. Now H and I have talked , I'm not mad about the EA. I know that sounds dumb but I'm more hurt with who it happened with cause SIL and I were close. I said to H, if you could look into the future and see us happy and our kids happy and are marriage the best ever would that not be worth trying for. First thing he said was , no one can mend a marriage with the issues we have Issues - We broke up in 98 and in 2 weeks I had a one night stand - Same time I hooked up with someone and got pregnant, and my H has raised him from the get go - In 2005 I had a break down and left H and the kids He doesn't think that a marriage can be mended after all those things. He says he can't look at me cause people have been where only he should have been . He can't think about us cause that is all he sees is me with someone else. I asked him to go to marriage counseling together or maybe apart. Maybe he should go alone for a while and then we can go together. I can't go anywhere for at least another 5 months. So why not take that time and try instead of living in a night mare. DO you think counseling would help him get past my past ? Anyone out there have it worse and got through it all
lkjh Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Honestly you have out a lot on him. Even if you were on a break you cheated. Also, I doubt your H and SIL have not been physical. You need to meet up with your BIL and talk with him. I doubt he knows the entire truth and you need to tell him what you know. He has a right to know
rugbyplayer1990 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 How has the marrage been since 2005 as far as you both getting along? Also, did he ever go to therapy for the 1998 event? Perhaps he's carrying around a huge resentment and he needs you to show him your sorry but also he is the only man in your life.. IDK, that is what I needed when exact same thing happended to me... keep posting!!
Distant78 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Yea you guys should probably call it quits because both of you cheated. He's still angry about the things you did and then he turns into a selfish monster and backstabs his brother.
Albertan Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I think it could be "mended" but whether you can or not is a different matter. Raising a child that was the result of a one night stand is a pretty stand up thing to do but it also serves as a constant reminder of what happened. Guess it all comes down to what a person, and a couple are willing to accept and forgive. Sounds like you've both put each other through the ringer and I think you're kidding yourself saying you're not mad about EA, cause they do hurt - a lot. You don't say why you left in 2005 and what happened subsequent to that. I think it will take a lot of work, honesty and effort to get through this on both your parts. If only one of you are going to do that then I would be beginning to accept the marriage is dead.
Author MrsDamaged Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Albertan, I was working night shift I had 5 kids and 2 foster boys at the time. So I went to work from 3am to 12 noon. Came home did the housework, laundry, made supper , homework with all the kids, bedtimes, then I had to shower and I was able to maybe get 4 hours of sleep a night. All while H sat on the couch and played Video Games On the Xbox. I ended up having a breakdown, I had to quit my job which really bothered me . I loved my job, I became isolated in my room and began drinking. During this time I would ask H to sit with me, to cuddle, to come to bed he was always to busy playing his game. I ended up talking to a guy online and I got up one day and walked out the door. No looking back. I regret everything I did in those next months. I love my H and my kids so much . I just felt that it was my time for me, I know selfish right. I got my own place and I just enjoyed it. My kids came every weekend and we had a blast. That was until H lost his job and had to move him and the kids 3 hours West to his hometown. That lasted 1 month I had to come pick them up and bring them to my place. H and I tried to make it work but it was hard he became controlling, I had to go to bed at a certain time. He had to know where I was all the time, I couldn't deal with it. I asked him to leave and he took our 3 younger kids with him and I kept the older 2. After a few more months of fighting , together , apart he dropped the 3 younger kids off on my step. He then started to get a little more crazy and I had to move to the farm with my parents. After a few more months we started to work things out and I moved back to the city, the day I moved I found out that I was pregnant. He ended up moving back in. We just went on with life and that was that. Then we moved to his home town in Aug of 2008, Things were good. Yeah we had some blow ups but nothing that would have lead me to think he was having such a hard time. Then everything blew up on the 30th of DEC
Albertan Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I'm slightly confused.....when you left your husband and kids, this was 2005? You found out you were pregnant after this also? Is it your H's or OM? Either way, what I'm getting here is that both have you have caused years worth of pain and misery to each other. He with emotional distance and doing nothing around the home - that is not okay; you with what at least two instances of cheating. Is this correct? I kinda get the impression there is a lot more to this story here, from both yours and your H's perspective. For instance, why was he so involved in video games, could have been a way to avoid issues, to escape his reality? What lead up to you leaving and what happened with this other man when your husband lost his job? Obviously, there is only so much that can be explained forum like this.... My highly uneducated guess at this point is that there is probably too much hurt and resentment for either of you to overcome. You don't mention any type of counseling in the past - how did you both recover from when you left? Did you both come back together because you loved each other and wanted to repair the marriage or was it more of convenience? I would also hazard a guess that you both have never really communicated well and unless that changes then nothing is ever going to get fixed. I think you need to be honest with yourself here; what kind of marriage did you really have that caused you to walk away leaving him and your kids? What kind of marriage could you have when he is involved with SIL? Sometimes it is better to cut your losses and move on rather than fighting the inevitable.
Author MrsDamaged Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Albertan, When I left it was AUg of 2005. I became pregnant in Oct 2006 , with my H's baby. I think his video games became a escape for him. He use to be a hard drinker and quit then became addicted to video games. Then this past year and half he became addicted to fishing. He was out every night and every weekend. He spends a lot of money on fishing gear. I grew up fishing on the ocean and I have asked him for years and years to go fishing with me but he would not have it. It was guy time. You are right, about communicating . We never did on both times of our break ups we got back together and never dealt with the issues that caused the break ups. We would be happy for a few months then we would go right back to the same same ole .
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