LoveMeSilly Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 My ex boyfriend and I were together for two years when he decided to break up with me out of the blue. We had an amazing relationship, we really did. We rarely fought, there was so much love and passion, and we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We had the relationship that all of our friends envied. But about a week or so before we broke up, he started acting very distant, strange, and uninterested in everything. When I finally got it out of him, he told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore and that it wasn't my fault at all. He said he still cares about me and my well being but doesn't know if he can get the feelings he used to have for me back. Of course, I'm heart broken right now and all I want to do is give our relationship another chance. So I've gone into NC mode because I've heard that it's the best way to either make someone miss you and realize what they've lost or get over a person if they don't come back. But, about a week ago he went out to lunch with a good mutual friend of ours and he told her that he misses how he used to feel about me, how much fun we used to have, and how we were always there for each other, and he misses having that one person to cuddle and kiss all the time. But he also said he doesn't know if he can get his feeling for me back and that he doesn't know if there'll be a second chance. The next night he went out and drank, which is completely out of character for him, and he made out with another girl. I keep getting mixed signals and I'm wondering what they mean. Also, whenever I see him around school or out, I always catch him staring at me and I'm not sure why this is if he's supposedly over me and has no feelings left. He's just been acting completely unlike himself ever since the break up and a lot of people are shocked with the way he's behaving about it. The thing that I'm most worried about is the fact that we're going on a trip to Italy and Greece together this spring through the school we go to and we only have a couple other friends going and they're mutual friends. Do you think we'll rekindle there? Do you think that he'll come back to me? I just need a whole load of advice right now. I love and miss him so much.
0hpenelope Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) So I've gone into NC mode because I've heard that it's the best way to either make someone miss you and realize what they've lost Yes, second chances can happen out of NC. You can't force people to feel something about a person or an event or whatever. Any amount of pleading, begging, writing, etc. will just turn the ex off. When people want to leave, trying to convince them to stay will just make them want to run more in the opposite direction. NC gives space and mental clarity not just for the ex, but more importantly than the ex - or get over a person if they don't come back. - is you. Mental clarity for you. So you can move on, focus on yourself, the things you want to do. Your ex has no feelings for you? Ok, leave him there in his empty space. But, about a week ago he went out to lunch with a good mutual friend of ours and he told her that he misses how he used to feel about me, how much fun we used to have, and how we were always there for each other, and he misses having that one person to cuddle and kiss all the time. But he also said he doesn't know if he can get his feeling for me back and that he doesn't know if there'll be a second chance. Of course he doesn't know if there will be a second chance. If anyone knew what the future held, I don't know how our world will be but I'm sure it will be much, much different. Of course he misses you. But all of his words? Lip service. Actions speak louder than words. My ex told me he still cared about me a lot, but he kept walking away from me. Guess which one I will pay attention to more? Keep moving and maintain NC for yourself. The next night he went out and drank, which is completely out of character for him, and he made out with another girl. I keep getting mixed signals and I'm wondering what they mean. Also, whenever I see him around school or out, I always catch him staring at me and I'm not sure why this is if he's supposedly over me and has no feelings left. He's just been acting completely unlike himself ever since the break up and a lot of people are shocked with the way he's behaving about it. He was the one who wanted the break. Give it to him. Give him ALL of the space he wants and needs. At this point, his behaviors have got nothing to do with you. See how he's presenting himself? Maintain your composure. NC will help a lot there. The thing that I'm most worried about is the fact that we're going on a trip to Italy and Greece together this spring through the school we go to and we only have a couple other friends going and they're mutual friends. Do you think we'll rekindle there? Do you think that he'll come back to me? I just need a whole load of advice right now. I love and miss him so much. Cross that bridge when you get there, LMS. A bunch of stuff can happen. You'll rekindle, he'll come back. You won't rekindle, he won't come back. You won't rekindle, you'll find awesome new friends during your Spring Break trip, and you will heal. Italian boys are very attractive and while you don't have to feel like you should date around, just checking out the goods is always a good distraction. He'll find someone to hook up with, etc. See? It's a never-ending loop of possibilities. Really, your best bet is to just not talk to him because he told you what he wanted in action and words. Believe those and not possibilities. Focus on yourself and enjoy your trip! Don't let his presence there bring you down. Don't show him you're hurting or you're sad. Share minimal information about your feelings with mutual friends and confide in your other friends; information has a way of leaking to either party and I'm pretty sure you would rather not know what he's up to. Having that knowledge will just hold you back especially since the break-up sounds recent. Take advantage of your university's counseling services. It doesn't mean you're weak for not being able to handle your break-up. Most counselors are such good people to talk to and I actually miss mine. She was very nice, understanding and she was always on my side. Also... NC builds strength. You will get the ugly parts first, the way that all of us got the ugly parts. Missing the ex, longing for the ex, looking at the phone obsessively, checking for text messages... waiting for that specific contact that may or may not come. NC will hurt. I've no idea if you feel it already, but it gets worse. More importantly than the hurt NC inflicts is that NC also gets better. Because you'll get used to being without your ex. Your memories of him will still be there, but they won't bother you as much in time. It's a rocky journey, but it's a journey worth taking. You will learn so much about yourself. Whether or not he comes back, you won't care. You have no control over him, but you have 100% control over you. Keep posting here. We're rooting for you! Edited January 30, 2011 by 0hpenelope
Google1000 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 NC will hurt AMEN TO THAT!! No contact WILL HURT, but in my opinion it is the best thing you can do. You need to STARVE him so that he is foaming at the mouth to talk to you. When he contacts you, DO NOT ANSWER, no matter how much you want to! Just know that when you ignore him, it makes you stronger, and makes him weaker. I can not stress this enough: DO NOT RESPOND! Why? Because when you respond, it will soothe him and help him heal. That is the last thing you need. Ignore EVERY SINGLE TEXT that you get from him. It will hurt worse than anything you can imagine, but it's for the best.
0hpenelope Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 AMEN TO THAT!! No contact WILL HURT, but in my opinion it is the best thing you can do. You need to STARVE him so that he is foaming at the mouth to talk to you. When he contacts you, DO NOT ANSWER, no matter how much you want to! Just know that when you ignore him, it makes you stronger, and makes him weaker. I can not stress this enough: DO NOT RESPOND! Why? Because when you respond, it will soothe him and help him heal. That is the last thing you need. Ignore EVERY SINGLE TEXT that you get from him. It will hurt worse than anything you can imagine, but it's for the best. I'd rather go through the NC path than be in the friend zone. The moment my ex broke up with me, he lost all privileges of being in contact with me.
Shatter3d Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 AMEN TO THAT!! No contact WILL HURT, but in my opinion it is the best thing you can do. You need to STARVE him so that he is foaming at the mouth to talk to you. When he contacts you, DO NOT ANSWER, no matter how much you want to! Just know that when you ignore him, it makes you stronger, and makes him weaker. I can not stress this enough: DO NOT RESPOND! Why? Because when you respond, it will soothe him and help him heal. That is the last thing you need. Ignore EVERY SINGLE TEXT that you get from him. It will hurt worse than anything you can imagine, but it's for the best. But if she ignores every single text and wants him back wont that ruin her chances? Do you think if you want an Ex back that a little LC here and there would better your chances? Im no expert and I wish I knew the answers to all of this...
Author LoveMeSilly Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks for the help, it really does help a lot! Now I know there are many different outcomes that may happen with my situation and I know that NC is for the best. But even though we're not talking, I feel as if I'm the one who's starving for the conversation not him? It's been three weeks since the break up and I know it takes weeks or even months before NC starts to take it's toll, but all I can focus on is him. I don't understand how abruptly he fell out of love with me when we spent two amazing years together. I guess all I can do is focus on right now and myself and I'm trying very hard but it's hard letting go of something so amazing. Don't you think it's worth the fight sometimes if you really care? I just feel that if I give up that I may lose a chance to be together again.
Google1000 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 But even though we're not talking, I feel as if I'm the one who's starving for the conversation not him? It's been three weeks since the break up and I know it takes weeks or even months before NC starts to take it's toll, but all I can focus on is him. And that is why you need to go NC. Don't you want HIM to be the one chasing you? Ignore him, ignore him, and then ignore him again. Then HE will be miserable as well. If you get a text from him, it is because he is in pain! DO NOT SOOTHE THAT PAIN. Let him think that you are perfectly fine without him. Even if you are dying to text him back, don't do it. Just know that by not responding, you are forcing him to face reality without you. I made the mistake of replying to my ex's texts. As soon as I starting replying to her texts, she backed up and ran away again. It's human nature: People want what they can't have. If he sees you having a good time while he is miserable, he may begin to question his decision.
0hpenelope Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks for the help, it really does help a lot! Now I know there are many different outcomes that may happen with my situation and I know that NC is for the best. But even though we're not talking, I feel as if I'm the one who's starving for the conversation not him? It's been three weeks since the break up and I know it takes weeks or even months before NC starts to take it's toll, but all I can focus on is him. I don't understand how abruptly he fell out of love with me when we spent two amazing years together. I guess all I can do is focus on right now and myself and I'm trying very hard but it's hard letting go of something so amazing. Don't you think it's worth the fight sometimes if you really care? I just feel that if I give up that I may lose a chance to be together again. You feel like the one starving for a conversation with him because the break-up is one-sided. You didn't want to break-up with him. He did. I know how that feels and I'm really sorry that you're in that position. It hurts a lot. Mmm... Yeah, it's worth the fight. I tried to change my ex's mind twice within the first week after the break-up. After that, I told him I didn't want to be his friend, I want him back, but I'm not going to wait for him. If he changes his mind, then I'm willing to hear him out; otherwise, he can just leave me alone. I will assume that I will never hear from him again and that I will never see him again. What people don't get - and this is where LS enforces tough love - is that they keep trying, weeks and months after the break-up. DUDE. It's foolish to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome! Here, let me quote my all-time favorite break-up movie Swingers: Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her? Rob: You don't call. Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her. Rob: Right. Mike: So I don't call either way? Rob: Right. Mike: So what's the difference? Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back. Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her? Rob: Right. Mike: Well that sucks. Rob: Yeah, it sucks. Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her? Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite. Mike: What do you mean? Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her. Mike: Well what if she comes back first? Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget. Mike: There's the rub. Rob: There's the rub. Ah, scriptwriting takes talent! I love that quote. Best snippet of fiction with a basis on truth I've ever read, really. This is all an opinion and solicited advice from a stranger on the internet, LMS. You know what you want to do and if you want to keep fighting for him, you will. At least you can say you tried. At the end of the day, if your attempts don't work out, it's either you'll regret wasting your time or you'll still dwell in the hope that you can still change his mind and then renew your efforts. But I'm telling you, and this is fact, that you cannot force someone to feel something that he/she doesn't feel anymore. You're trying to convince him to remember how he feels about you and he's already said that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore - why would you know better than he does? It's his heart. I'm not knocking on hope. I like hope. Hope is a beautiful thing, but hope is also misappropriated. Pursue him, but be careful. I wish you luck!
0hpenelope Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) But if she ignores every single text and wants him back wont that ruin her chances? Do you think if you want an Ex back that a little LC here and there would better your chances? Im no expert and I wish I knew the answers to all of this... Yeah, that's another possibility too. She can maintain LC, but again, most of us aren't equipped for LC immediately after the break-up. In OP's case, three weeks is so not long enough to be apart from each other. Maintaining LC too soon seems to prolong the dumpee's healing process. If the OP/dumpee can handle it, then by all means go for it. They are exceptions! We're not experts on anything of course, but it's hard to deny the consistent, major patterns of the situations here on LS brought about by immediate LC or jumping at the gun to be friends. For myself, when I noticed that more likely than not (and even my ex agreed when I brought it up to him), being in occasional contact will entrench me further in the friend zone and I didn't want that. I want him back, but I will not wait around for him. He's the one who wanted the space; he does not want my love, but he wants me to be apart from him. FINE! Take alllll of the space in the world away from me! I told him to get in touch with me if he changes his mind about us, but until then... I will be fabulous all on my own with my distractions on the side, thank you. Again, answering those attempts at communication is on the dumpee. The most important thing is that the dumpee gets to a state of mind where he/she has completely healed and moved on before answering those attempts. Edited January 30, 2011 by 0hpenelope
Author LoveMeSilly Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 I know that NC is the best decision in this situation and I'm ready to act on it. My mother gave me what seems like the best advice in the world: "Stop talking to him, act happy even though you're not, ignore the fact that he exists, look your best, and be the girl that he's missing out on but has yet to realize. Seeing you the way you were when he first gained interest will most likely reignite that interest all over again. If it fails to, then it will help you move on and stumble upon someone greater who will take even more interest in your presence." My mother is amazing and really gives the best advice, hopefully it works out in my favor.
0hpenelope Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Mom's right. As our beloved CaliGuy likes to say, give your ex the gift of missing you.
Author LoveMeSilly Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 I will try my best to do so in hopes of getting him back or finding someone greater. I just hope this pain goes away as soon as possible so I can live freely again without the emptiness weighing me down.
PowerOfOne Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I will try my best to do so in hopes of getting him back or finding someone greater. I just hope this pain goes away as soon as possible so I can live freely again without the emptiness weighing me down. You and all of LS, so you're not alone.
wavejumper Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 i can say from my own experience, that NC really was effective. my problem is now that my ex has contacted me again (asked me out on a date) i am worried that it is really his attempt to put me in the friendzone and have me in his life for his own comfort. i'm not really sure where to go with this now, but i can only add that if i hadn't done NC he would not have been begging to see me again- this came about after we separated 5 months ago... good luck OP, be strong, open your social circle and activities, do things for yourself and enjoy being single again!
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