in_delirium Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Hey guys, I have a little bit of a dilemma! Would appreciate some impartial advice! Been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have been having difficulties with intimacy since day one, all down to me. I don't even want sex anymore for whatever reason, i don't know. I thought it would have sorted itself out by now but it hasnt!! I am waiting to receive sex therapy regarding that. We dont have anything in common, we just get on when we do. Our relationship is more closely comparible to two best friends who knowmeach other inside out because they just do, not because we are similar. We argue a lot. Like every day! It has been so much worse since we moved in together, 6 months ago. He is so lazy and typical of a teenage boy it winds me up! I nag coz he does nothing and then he resents me. And the cycle continues. We are coming to a crossroads as I am going back to university in September and he is reluctant to move to my prefered city. I wonder to myself whether he is the one if he won't come with me as he has no ties; he finishes university this year. People i have spoken to about this says he is a keeper because he is still with me, not many men would stick around if they werent getting any. I feel like my life is somewhat limited with him because he is so stuck in his ways and doesnt see my need for change. We are in a tenancy for another 6 months and neither of us could afford to move out. We also have a car on finance together, which would make a breakup very problematic. We have discussed our issues many times and I do think that I love him still, but i do wondered whether i am in love with him. I dont feel attracted to him, but nor do i to anyone i have met in the last 3 years. I know he would do anything for me within reason, but does me not feeling the same mean i should end it, or that maybe i have underlying issues preventing me from enjoying this relationship for what it could be?
crimsonskies Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 is there maybe any chance that you could do like a couples counselling session? To try and figure out where the problems are rooted. I don't mean the intimacy I mean other problems. Or if it's because you think that you're more like friends, maybe try going on dates get dressed up. or have couples nights where you turn the phone off, get rid of any distractions and concentrate on what makes you both feel special.
broken-and-lost Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Try couples counselling first it's a horrible road to go down once you break it off even if you think it wasn't working you will be hit by a great loss
yellowduvet Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 You seem very young, maybe this is your chance to explore a little bit. Is this your first relationship? I'm going through a similar experience and I've been debating it for a long while... I feel like if you're asking this question on here, you're already on your way to ending it. Just follow your gut - and remember, there are other fish in the sea.
Shatter3d Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I dont feel attracted to him In my opinion, once the attraction is gone, its VERY hard to get it back even with counselling. I was married quite a few years back and fell out of love with my husband and was not attracted to him at all, in fact I couldnt even kiss him anymore. I know this sounds weird, but he felt more like a brother to me than my husband. Once its gone, it's gone... just my opinion. Its not fair on him either, he needs to be with someone who is going to give him love both emotionally and physically. I would say for now to go and do your own thing, you need to get some help i.e sex therapy otherwise it will just continue into future relationships. Set him free I say.
jenifer1972 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Your relationship is a platonic one trying to be a romantic one that is simply not meant to be.
Eeyore79 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) I don't even want sex anymore for whatever reason, i don't know. I thought it would have sorted itself out by now but it hasnt!! I am waiting to receive sex therapy regarding that. Do you feel sexually attracted to other men but not to your bf? If you masturbate, have sexual thoughts about men, and feel that you want sex (but not with him) then the issue is probably that you just don't feel attracted to him. In my experience this is not something that can be fixed. I had a LTR with someone who was a lovely guy, but I just didn't fancy him and he didn't turn me on. I was still attracted to other men, but they were always taken or unsuitable in some way, so I just stayed in my relationship. It took me a long time (a few years!) to realize that my lack of sexual attraction wasn't fixable; there wasn't anything wrong with me, I simply wasn't attracted to this particular guy. I tended to think like you do: he's a nice guy, not many men would stick around without sex so he must really love me, he's prepared to stay with me for the long haul, we're good friends and we get on, etc. It seemed stupid to ditch a relationship which was good apart from the lack of sexual attraction. I was the one who didn't fancy him; he was interested in having sex with me, so I kind of felt like I was the one at fault because I didn't feel any attraction towards him, and it was essentially my lack of sexual attraction which was scuppering the relationship. I felt like I needed to be fixed, and then the relationship would be fine. But sexual attraction is actually a pretty major thing in a relationship, and I eventually realized that it wasn't my fault that I didn't fancy him and I didn't want to live my whole life without ever feeling passion or attraction. So I ended my relationship in similar circumstances to yours (one of us wanted to move away and the other didn't want to follow). I have never regretted my decision for one second. With hindsight, I realize that what we had was a close platonic friendship, not a romantic relationship. I'm now with a man who I find sexy and irresistible, and sex is regular and enjoyable. This just proves that there wasn't anything wrong with me previously, I just didn't fancy my boyfriend. Edited February 1, 2011 by Eeyore79
Owz600 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 You say you don't feel attracted to him? What attracted you to him in the first place? Was it his personality? How has he changed over this time? It's easy for one to lose grip of themselves once they find themselves in a relationship, sometimes a wake up call is needed for them to sort themselves out. I suggest having a deep conversation with him about how you feel. You say he's lazy, say you can't put up with that anymore. Also look at yourself. Are you happy with everything else in your life apart from the relationship? Sometimes we forget about us. Really take a look at your current life and work out what is not making you happy.
Eeyore79 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 What attracted you to him in the first place? Was it his personality? How has he changed over this time? I was attracted to my ex because of his nice personality, and also because I was lonely and he was willing to spend time with me. I never fancied him, but I wanted him to stick around and be my friend, so we got into a relationship. Loneliness made me confuse desire for friendship and desire for a relationship; I've now learned to differentiate those two things. I'm wondering if the OP might have a similar problem, since she said she wasn't physically attracted to her bf right from the beginning.
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