noddingyes Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I've been lurking a while and thought I would break my silence and relate something to ask for opinions. I've been in an LDR for almost 20 months. We are deeply in love and fell for each other pretty early on. Due to parental responsibilities we cannot be together for some time yet but we've both agreed what we have is so special that is more than worth the wait. We see each other every 3 or 4 months and each time it is magical. We are both 40 years old and very compatible and, as I said, deeply in love with each other. We talk on the phone about 4 days a week (kids keep us from talking every day) but email/text frequently every day. About 5 months ago she started a new job that keeps her very busy during the day. I completely understand and have gotten used to the drop in our email frequency during the day. Yesterday, I had not heard from her for a few hours, not that unusual, and I emailed her near the end of my work day (time difference is 3 hours) just to check in and tell her I love her. She emailed back about a 1/2 hour later to say that yes, she had been extremely busy and also had been asked out to lunch by a guy in her office. She has mentioned him to me once before, I guess he's an assistant to her boss and I get the impression he's younger than we are, maybe about 30. She said she really likes him and felt obliged to go to lunch with him thinking maybe her boss asked him to take her out, but she said after lunch she didn't think that was the case. She did not mention what they talked about at lunch. She was very casual about it and also mentioned that since she was so busy, with the lunch she missed an hour she probably should have spent working. I haven't talked to her on the phone since then although we've emailed back and forth a number of times and I have not mentioned anything about it. Let me add that she has never given me any reason to think she's anything but devoted to me and our relationship. She tells me I am the best thing that's ever happened to her and I do treat her extremely well as she is definitely the best thing that's ever happened to me. We never argue and have had only one short-lived fight, many months ago, that was my fault and for which I apologized and it has now been long forgotten. I'm not worried about her falling for this guy, or anyone else really, I guess my question is: Was it right for her to accept his invitation to lunch? Should I mention to her that it didn't make me feel very good? Should I bring it up at all and if so, is it being nosy to ask what they talked about? I know I feel like this (a little hurt) solely because we're in an LDR...if we were together every day it would just be lunch with a co-worker but the LDR part makes me think she could have been more sensitive to how it might make me feel. Though I give her credit for telling me about it in the first place. So, should this bother me or am I way off base here?
folieadeux Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Sounds like this was just lunch with a co-worker. I'm a little confused with your statement that you wouldn't have minded the lunch gathering if you weren't in an LDR. You're supposed to trust each other in a relationship regardless. If she truly hasn't given you any reason to worry in the past, I'd tread carefully about bringing this up because she may see this as you unfairly accusing her and pull back even more.
Author noddingyes Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Thank you for your response. She hasn't pulled back at all. I guess I mean I wouldn't think a thing of it if we weren't in an LDR has to do with my own insecurity. But you're absolutely right about trusting each other regardless. And I do trust her, absolutely. I actually wasn't sure how I should feel about it and was looking for another opinion. Logically I know it means nothing, but I suppose I just felt a pang of jealousy because I can't take her out and someone else can.
MissKnowitall Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 She is trying to be open with you and disclose things so that you'd know what is going on. I think it is ok and glad she did that. Thank you for your response. She hasn't pulled back at all. I guess I mean I wouldn't think a thing of it if we weren't in an LDR has to do with my own insecurity. But you're absolutely right about trusting each other regardless. And I do trust her, absolutely. I actually wasn't sure how I should feel about it and was looking for another opinion. Logically I know it means nothing, but I suppose I just felt a pang of jealousy because I can't take her out and someone else can.
creighton0123 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I agree with Folie. Lunch among coworkers isn't anything all that unusual. "I'm going out to lunch now. You want to join me?" is pretty acceptable behavior. Her telling you shows that she is being honest with you and sharing aspects of her life that she otherwise doesn't really have to share, but wants to. My only advice: Don't base too much of your communication in text. Even though you're long distance and even though online communication is so easy, make sure that most serious discussion occurs over phone/video chat. Hell, even if you can only do a video chat for a few minutes every day, that's better than going days at a time only communicating via email.
Author noddingyes Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Thank you both for your responses. MissK, you're right and I do appreciate her telling me. Creighton, no; it's not unusual. As I said I think it's just feeling the distance and not any mistrust at work here. We do talk for hours on the phone on the weekends, the email is usually just during the week. I would never try to address a serious issue via text or email. And this particular issue is not serious and I will not be bringing it up with her in any type of communication; I can see now it's not warranted. I was hoping to get the type of responses here I'm getting and do appreciate them.
creighton0123 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Thank you both for your responses. MissK, you're right and I do appreciate her telling me. Creighton, no; it's not unusual. As I said I think it's just feeling the distance and not any mistrust at work here. We do talk for hours on the phone on the weekends, the email is usually just during the week. I would never try to address a serious issue via text or email. And this particular issue is not serious and I will not be bringing it up with her in any type of communication; I can see now it's not warranted. I was hoping to get the type of responses here I'm getting and do appreciate them. Exactly. My personal motto is to trust always. She casually mentioned that she went out to lunch with a coworker and found it to be more social and less work related. Her consideration for you in telling you should be enough. Might I suggest you add in a little Skype/video chat on the weekends instead of solid phone communication? It really makes things so much better, especially if you're only able to see one another a few times a year.
Faded_x Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I think the others have already given you great advice. However, I would be a little concerned about this other guy. Not in a way where you shouldn't trust your girlfriend; obviously there's nothing there for her, and she's been nothing but upfront and honest about the whole thing. But from the sounds of it, it seems a bit more than just a simple lunch with a co-worker from his side. Obviously I could be wrong, but if I were your girlfriend and he asked me out for lunch or something again, I'd make it clear it was just as friendly co-workers, nothing more. And I definitely wouldn't bring up wanting to know what they were talking about. That just shows a lack of trust.
Author noddingyes Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 (edited) Ah, Creighton, if only. I've suggested it but she is really against it...just an insecurity she has about cameras. She's beautiful and I love to look at pictures of her (when she lets me take them) but has not wanted to Skype. I respect her decision and don't push the issue though I mention it once and a while. One day I'm sure I'll wear her down Faded_x, I have thought about that. Anything's possible and maybe this guy has some hidden agenda. The more I've thought about that the more I'm sure she would say something to me if he were, or was to be at some point in the future, inappropriate in any way. We talked over the weekend and she mentioned talking to him at lunch a couple times, just things that she was reminded of as we talked, but nothing at all remotely of any concern. I did not bring up their lunch in any way, these were just things she mentioned as we spoke. Edited January 31, 2011 by noddingyes
creighton0123 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Nodding, Don't forget that Skype can be one way. You can ease her into it by getting her a headset with mic and getting yourself a webcam. She can look at you and listen to you and you can listen to her. Perhaps her seeing how much she enjoys it is enough to get her to take what's otherwise an insignificant "big plunge" into the world of video chat/video phone.
Author noddingyes Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Thank you for the suggestion, Creighton; that does sound like a good idea. Thanks again for your kind advice.
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