elcharro Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I am chronically ill and been thinking about ending my marriage for four years. My husband started a porn addiction after our only child was born (13yrs ago). Since then, I've become chronically ill and his porn addiction led him to have an emotional/phone affair lasting years and to have a thing for one of my best friends. He is now in recovery for this sex addiction for over two years sober..but remains the EXTREMELY passive man I married. He has been impotent since our wedding night (we were both devout Christians/virgins) and hangs out w/ all divorced men..spending more quality time with them then me and his daughter. I am much younger than him and miserable. I feel unloved, uncherished, and in prison. I feel like I can't leave due to my health and our sweet daughter. I tried going back to school (he promised he would prove to me during that time he could 'serve me') to eek out a career to eventually leave him..to no avail..I just got sicker. Meanwhile..over the years..his also sex addicted brother has come on to me countless times in his and our home. My husband had to be told in marriage counseling to defend and protect me, his daughter..and own mother from his brother and psycho wife. To this day my hub is not angry at his brother's behavior, nor his brother's wife verbally abusing his invalid mother. Help me..tell me to either stick it out cause it's 'wild world' out there..or run for the hills. My divorced girlfriend tells me to stay...my married girlfriends tell me not to stay in a home with a repeat liar and that I have tried and done everything to make this marriage work.
bluebirdsfly Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 You could start by calling 24 hr National Hotline for Domestic Violence 1-800-799-7233, when you husband is at work. The counselors there are very helpful. A friend of mine who has been emotionally abused by her husband called this hotline and the counselor really helped her clear her head and connect to many local resources to help her get started. !IMPORTANT!: after you call that number, erase it from your phone record, and dial another random number (like a grocery story), so your husband won't find out!
Eye of Hourus Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Personally, I don't see any abuse per se, however I do see two desperately unhappy people. Elcharro it seems that your husband has been prepared to go thru counselling to deal with his "porn addiction" and you have had some marriage counselling together and have had aome issues such as the BIL & SIL aired, have you discussed your H passivity in MC? How about getting him into IC to deal with his passivity? Impotent since your wedding night? I assume that was the night your daughter was conceived? Has your H been checked for low testosterone levels, this can have phsycological as well as physical effects (impotence/ ED etc). You say you are chronically ill, does this affect your ability to have sex? Something about this post troubles me (beyond the op's problems). Sex addiction + Impotence ? Impotence + Chronic Illnes ? Sex only once on wedding night + all of the above - intruiging Unless you are under threat with abuse I would hold off on Bluebirdsfly's recommendation, the last thing your marriage needs is a dodgy DV charge. The Eye
bluebirdsfly Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 The hotline is only a help line, and won't get her husband into a DV charge. Neglect is considered to be emotional abuse. Allowing his brother to sexually harass his wife is also abuse. The purpose of the hotline is to make herself understand the exact situation as the experts see it and get herself some useful information, like woman support groups, counseling, and free legal service. It's a help line, not 911.
Author elcharro Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 He seeb docs for his health ED issues...my hub swears up an down it has nothing to do w/ physical health..only mental...I've told him he's ejaculated many times limp..doesn't want to hear it..he's seen a secular therapist specializing in SA issues..our marriage counselor recommended a Christian men's sex/issues counselor..he's seen him once and never gone back..I've bought him books on romance..sex techniques..etc...guess who has gotten good at all types of sex for HIM...me...he is passive passive passive. His Dad was into porn(kept his playboys under the front seat of the station wagon), his bro that makes passes at me was/is into sexual stuff..even his deceased brother fooled around on his soon to be wife w/ a prostitute..it runs in the family. My hub says my health makes him not want to approach me for sex..when his addiction came to light..I lost a bunch of weight..wore slinkier clothes..etc. Most of my girlfriends tell me I am Jessica Rabbit married to Droopy. I was a virgin like he on our wedding night. Usually he has to be drunk to ejaculate on his own..thank God for viagra..but even then it all revolves around him not losing his erection. He hangs out w/ divorced men with the same type of addiction. Our daughter knows about his addiction and our struggles to stay married. I don't know if I am brain washed and too demanding...he always talks me out of divorce..always. He has a genius level IQ and never yells at me..but like an addict has an EXCUSE for everything he never follows through on. I heard recently about another couple separating due to the wife not be able to deal with the husband's passivity...and that her counselor said it is soooo hard to live with a passive man. I don't like that I am co-dependant taking care of him and being put in this mother/alpha female roll. He works and makes a very good living so I can stay home..but he does nothing around the house..even stuff he agreed to do in marriage counseling..again he has an excuse for everything and why he didn't do it, or can't do. I worry that he is using his intelligence to play me.
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