How do you deal with it when there's suddenly no contact?

January 29, 2011

Hi

I've been seeing a MM for about 3 months, we "met" online and he was upfront about his circumstances. He spends half the week working near me and the other with his family. I feel he has been honest about his marriage and although I know he has concerns about separating because of his children, he has already had some discussions with his W about the situation and possible separation (although she doesn't know about the A).

We have been seeing each other once a week(ish) and have lots of contact inbetween - usually text each other a few times a day and he generally calls me in the evening. When he is not at home we can talk for longer but he almost always calls. If he can;t call he texts or e-mails me to tell me.

We spoke yesterday when he was on his way home and he said he would call me yesterday evening. Since then I have not heard from him at all.

I don't know what to do or think...and I feel helpless because I don;t think I can call him. I've texted twice to a phone he doesn;t use often but I don;t usually text his main phone when he is at home and I want to even less now incase it would cause a problem.

I have become really fond of him and I'm worried.

Of course there may be a practical reason why he has not called but it is just really unlike him.

If his W has found out something, or he is having problems, what should I do? My thoughts are to keep myself busy and try not to worry, but it's hard.

January 29, 2011

What you are dealing with are the limitations of an affair. Maybe this time you have now would be a good time to reflect on if you can handle the limitations and that you are excluded from most of his life??

January 29, 2011

Number one --MM lie so don't put all your eggs in one basket and think he's going to divorce/separate because that's what he's told you. His actions in the next few months will show you if he is putting a plan into action or if it's just all talk. He very well could be just happy enough to have you in his life as the OW, to have an affair and that's it. QUestion is, are you alright with that? To be his OW and accept your role, so to speak and just have an affair?

You haven't invested years into him, less than four months..That's not alot of time so if you can't handle this, get out now before it become much more painful.

Also, don't freak out because it's only been one day. If a week goes by, and you've heard nothing, then you'd have more reason to worry.

January 30, 2011

Thanks - I am definitely considering whether this is something I can handle. I don;t think I'm freaking but for the first time I don;t feel happy with the situation, and realize how much I miss talking to him etc which has become a regular part of my day. I haven;t felt excluded from his life at all, so far, he seems to have been very open.

He hasn;t said he would definitely separate, and it was not a dealbreaker for me initially.

I am wondering now if it should be, because I'm not sure I can do this.

January 30, 2011

Just you are dealing with a big issue when you are an OW. There is the thought that you better be dead or if not you will be dead to me. Otherwise why the F are you ignoring me?mbecause otherwise where the F have you been and why are you ignoring me.

I think you have to assume something has come up in his personal life and for whatever reason he cant contact you. I do hope everything turns out OK.

January 30, 2011

Just you are dealing with a big issue when you are an OW. There is the thought that you better be dead or if not you will be dead to me. Otherwise why the F are you ignoring me?mbecause otherwise where the F have you been and why are you ignoring me.

I think you have to assume something has come up in his personal life and for whatever reason he cant contact you. I do hope everything turns out OK.

I think what you are dealing with is just one of the realities of being in an affair.

Maybe he got caught and is dealing with D-day. Maybe he had a wreck on the way home. Maybe he's cooling off on you, and trying to put a little distance between you. Maybe he's sick, and can't sneak away to text you. Maybe he and his wife are having a hot-lovin' time of it and he can't tear himself away.

It could be anything. But the reality is, THIS is the reality of an affair. You don't have the right or privilege to openly contact him, or to be there for him if something bad has happened, because HE has not made you a legitimate part of his life.

I'm not trying to be cruel. This is just the typical lifestyle of an affair partner. Exceptions are rare.

I agree with what others have said. You're in the early stages. You can walk away now, relatively unscathed. If you stay, the pain with likely get more intense and the leaving so much harder.

Think long and hard about what you can live happily and fulfilled with.

Edited January 30, 2011 by Fieldsofgold

January 30, 2011

Thanks - I am definitely considering whether this is something I can handle. I don;t think I'm freaking but for the first time I don;t feel happy with the situation, and realize how much I miss talking to him etc which has become a regular part of my day. I haven;t felt excluded from his life at all, so far, he seems to have been very open.

He hasn;t said he would definitely separate, and it was not a dealbreaker for me initially.

I am wondering now if it should be, because I'm not sure I can do this.

Okay, I suggest you take a read in this section and see what you have ahead you, further down the road. Also, go read in the infidelity section and hear the other side, the pain and betrayal, the damage affairs do. Do you really want to help this guy cheat and betray his wife? Yes, you aren't married to her, he is, but you know he's married and knowingly are involved with him.

Just know, he is very good at lying, so think of it like this. he is lying daily to the woman he said vows to, had children with, build a life with.. don't fool yourself into thinking he won't ever lie to you, exaggerate truths to suit him best, omit truths from you. He may make you feel special, and good but he obviously loved his wife enough to marry her and start a life with her.

I would tell him goodbye and if he wants to call you once he's divorced, you'll date him, start off slowly. See how he reacts. As I said you haven't invested alot of time into him, so better to get out now than a year or two from now.

January 30, 2011

Hi

I've been seeing a MM for about 3 months, we "met" online and he was upfront about his circumstances. He spends half the week working near me and the other with his family. I feel he has been honest about his marriage and although I know he has concerns about separating because of his children, he has already had some discussions with his W about the situation and possible separation (although she doesn't know about the A).

We have been seeing each other once a week(ish) and have lots of contact inbetween - usually text each other a few times a day and he generally calls me in the evening. When he is not at home we can talk for longer but he almost always calls. If he can;t call he texts or e-mails me to tell me.

We spoke yesterday when he was on his way home and he said he would call me yesterday evening. Since then I have not heard from him at all.

I don't know what to do or think...and I feel helpless because I don;t think I can call him. I've texted twice to a phone he doesn;t use often but I don;t usually text his main phone when he is at home and I want to even less now incase it would cause a problem.

I have become really fond of him and I'm worried.

Of course there may be a practical reason why he has not called but it is just really unlike him.

If his W has found out something, or he is having problems, what should I do? My thoughts are to keep myself busy and try not to worry, but it's hard.

You only see the MM once a week(ish)? So things are mostly done online or via some other electronic media?

Its only been a day. It could be something with his family that needed his immediate attention. I wouldn't worry about one day. I'd worry about an entire week, and that once a week meeting being missed.

If one day is bothering you this much, you should definitely reconsider your choice of participating in an affair. The times that they can't contact you truly reveal the nature of the R as secondary, not primary.

January 30, 2011

Hi thanks for your replies. I had a text late last night to say a relative had been taken to hospital and he had to stay there the night.

I didn;t doubt him because I felt reasonably confident it would only be something serious to prevent him from calling. Nevertheless it's certainly made me think.

Even on it's own, being able to support someone you love and care for in a time of difficulty seems so fundamental to any long term relationship I can;t envisage how this could possibly work further down the line, unless he decides to separate. And I mean that on both sides because just as I feel frustrated and saddened that I couldn;t do it for him, he probably won't be able to do it for me, either.

I take the point about not having an incentive to leave. I don;t want to become the prop that allows someone to stay in an unhappy marriage.

I hope if I explain this to him he will understand. I suppose I just have to be prepared for him to say he wants to keep things as they are...in which case I think it's going to be make or break time.

January 30, 2011

OK you are way more understanding than I am. It takes 2 seconds to text someone and say in hosptial with relative will call when I can.

Just remember its not just about what he wants. Its about what you want too. If he cant meet your needs then you have to decide whether its worth it to stay in it. If not, you walk. If being in it makes you happier than not being in it, then you consider his terms.

But it is what it is. I held xMM to the same standards I would any other boyfriend but for the fact that I made a point of not intruding on the times I knew he was at home with his family (essentially most weekends).

It has to work for you. If it doesnt then there is no point. And no if you want more then you will not be happy with this long term.

January 30, 2011

Meeting online probably means he is chatting with several OW other than yourself. You really can't expect exclusivity in your situation.

Why not. Should unmarried people who date and met online not expect exculsivity. The internet is a permanent part of our lives. It allows us privacy (in some circumstances) and broader choices.

But Just should expect what she expects. Never lower your expectations. If they arent met, then you decide what to do but never lower them. You are entitled to expect the best treatment.

JSB it sounds as if you are suggesting that she hang her head in shame and expect nothing because after all she met a married man on the internet and is a bottom feeder.

Its totally possible he is chatting with OOW but if he said he was seeing you exclusively I would expect that he hold to that and if not, consequences.

January 31, 2011

I have to agree with JJ33 that it takes 2 seconds to text someone and say "will call later." You are indeed more patient than me!

As for being prepared for him to say he doesn't want things to change, I think it is more likely that he will tell you he is going to leave, ask you to wait, give him time, wait for him while he works out the details of leaving. That would be what I would expect. And unfortunately, sometimes, as you can read on LS, that "separation" can take years. And may or may not ever happen.

As JJ also said, you have to decide what YOU want for your life.

January 31, 2011

I think what you are dealing with is just one of the realities of being in an affair.

Maybe he got caught and is dealing with D-day. Maybe he had a wreck on the way home. Maybe he's cooling off on you, and trying to put a little distance between you. Maybe he's sick, and can't sneak away to text you. Maybe he and his wife are having a hot-lovin' time of it and he can't tear himself away.

It could be anything. But the reality is, THIS is the reality of an affair. You don't have the right or privilege to openly contact him, or to be there for him if something bad has happened, because HE has not made you a legitimate part of his life.

I'm not trying to be cruel. This is just the typical lifestyle of an affair partner. Exceptions are rare.

I agree with what others have said. You're in the early stages. You can walk away now, relatively unscathed. If you stay, the pain with likely get more intense and the leaving so much harder.

Think long and hard about what you can live happily and fulfilled with.

I thought this a wise and well expressed post. Hard to add really. The truth is, when people want out of a M for sure, they divorce. On the whole, if that decision isn't made when you get into the A, then the decision also isn't made if you both fall in love.

Falling in love with an AP, and D, seem to be very separate Qs for some.

Understandably I think. At least I think I think that.

Confusion is a major aspect of an A either way.

January 31, 2011

What you are dealing with are the limitations of an affair. Maybe this time you have now would be a good time to reflect on if you can handle the limitations and that you are excluded from most of his life??

This was exactly what I was thinking. Welcome to the life of your feelings tied directly to a MM who can only share a very small part of his life with you. Is this really what you want? You are currently only fond of him; how will you feel when/if you fall madly in love with him? Are you prepared to always be second or third on his priority list? (after W and kids).

He may be just taking a little hiatus, giving the situation some thought. Please don't wait around for him to contact you - don't be at his mercy!

Hugs and strength to you!

January 31, 2011

Meeting online probably means he is chatting with several OW other than yourself. You really can't expect exclusivity in your situation.

This is a VERY good point; one you probably shouldn't ignore. As they say "easy come, easy go". I don't mean that to insult, but there is truth there...

January 31, 2011

Regardless of what his reasons are for not contacting you.

This is the beginning of a pattern that you should expect.

Expect that he will also use the arguement, "You knew I was married, so...."

This is only the beginning of what will continue, as well as an introduction to many other disappointments to come.

It's not your typical, normal boyfriend, and these situations shed light on the reality of this.

Edited January 31, 2011 by skywriter

January 31, 2011

I thought this a wise and well expressed post. Hard to add really. The truth is, when people want out of a M for sure, they divorce. On the whole, if that decision isn't made when you get into the A, then the decision also isn't made if you both fall in love

Falling in love with an AP, and D, seem to be very separate Qs for some.

Understandably I think. At least I think I think that.

Confusion is a major aspect of an A either way.

The bolded, I've never seen it stated that way, but I think it is very well said, and you are exactly right. People in an A tend to think LOVE = DIVORCE and that just isn't the case.

I think you are right that people divorce because they want out of the marriage, the marriage is not working for them. I have read somewhere that if they don't divorce in the first four-six months into an affair, they are not likely to divorce.

the second bolded - LOL, now you sound like me . . . I think . . .

January 31, 2011

Hi

I've been seeing a MM for about 3 months, we "met" online and he was upfront about his circumstances. He spends half the week working near me and the other with his family. I feel he has been honest about his marriage and although I know he has concerns about separating because of his children, he has already had some discussions with his W about the situation and possible separation (although she doesn't know about the A).

We have been seeing each other once a week(ish) and have lots of contact inbetween - usually text each other a few times a day and he generally calls me in the evening. When he is not at home we can talk for longer but he almost always calls. If he can;t call he texts or e-mails me to tell me.

We spoke yesterday when he was on his way home and he said he would call me yesterday evening. Since then I have not heard from him at all.

I don't know what to do or think...and I feel helpless because I don;t think I can call him. I've texted twice to a phone he doesn;t use often but I don;t usually text his main phone when he is at home and I want to even less now incase it would cause a problem.

I have become really fond of him and I'm worried.

Of course there may be a practical reason why he has not called but it is just really unlike him.

If his W has found out something, or he is having problems, what should I do? My thoughts are to keep myself busy and try not to worry, but it's hard.

OK, I'm going to be the dissenting voice here...

I don't think it's a structural inevitability of an A that you HAVE to put up with this kind of thing. You've said, above, that you didn't call his main phone "in case it would cause a problem" - and right there you are censoring your own behaviour, and creating limitations for yourself that you would not find acceptable in any other R. So why do so now?

If it is reasonable to you to expect to be able to contact the person you are involved with when you wish to, and to expect them to communicate with you when they have said they would, then SAY SO. Put it on the table and keep to it - if it doesn't suit him to meet that requirement of yours, then he's not a suitable partner for you: not because he's M, but because he's unwilling to accommodate something that matters to you.

Many of the OW on LS find themselves disempowered in As because they allow themselves to be squeezed into corners of convenience for the MM - sometimes (or even often) not through the direct request of the MM, but because of their own consideration for his circumstances that leads them to censor and adapt their own behaviour so that they land up creating those very oppressive conditions by themselves, without realising that they are doing so. It is not a pre-requirement of an A that the OW twist herself into a pretzel to accommodate the MM - plenty of OWs and MMs have "normal" Rs that run along normal lines of expectations and demands, and the world doesn't end. You will get the kind of R you're prepared to put up with - if you demand respect and consideration, and proper communications, then you will get that - if not with this guy, then with someone else who can and is willing to give you what matters to you.

Good luck - the power is in your hands, not his!

January 31, 2011

Hi

I've been seeing a MM for about 3 months, we "met" online and he was upfront about his circumstances. He spends half the week working near me and the other with his family. I feel he has been honest about his marriage and although I know he has concerns about separating because of his children, he has already had some discussions with his W about the situation and possible separation (although she doesn't know about the A).

We have been seeing each other once a week(ish) and have lots of contact inbetween - usually text each other a few times a day and he generally calls me in the evening. When he is not at home we can talk for longer but he almost always calls. If he can;t call he texts or e-mails me to tell me.

We spoke yesterday when he was on his way home and he said he would call me yesterday evening. Since then I have not heard from him at all.

I don't know what to do or think...and I feel helpless because I don;t think I can call him. I've texted twice to a phone he doesn;t use often but I don;t usually text his main phone when he is at home and I want to even less now incase it would cause a problem.

I have become really fond of him and I'm worried.

Of course there may be a practical reason why he has not called but it is just really unlike him.

If his W has found out something, or he is having problems, what should I do? My thoughts are to keep myself busy and try not to worry, but it's hard.

OK, I'm going to be the dissenting voice here...

I don't think it's a structural inevitability of an A that you HAVE to put up with this kind of thing. You've said, above, that you didn't call his main phone "in case it would cause a problem" - and right there you are censoring your own behaviour, and creating limitations for yourself that you would not find acceptable in any other R. So why do so now?

If it is reasonable to you to expect to be able to contact the person you are involved with when you wish to, and to expect them to communicate with you when they have said they would, then SAY SO. Put it on the table and keep to it - if it doesn't suit him to meet that requirement of yours, then he's not a suitable partner for you: not because he's M, but because he's unwilling to accommodate something that matters to you.

Many of the OW on LS find themselves disempowered in As because they allow themselves to be squeezed into corners of convenience for the MM - sometimes (or even often) not through the direct request of the MM, but because of their own consideration for his circumstances that leads them to censor and adapt their own behaviour so that they land up creating those very oppressive conditions by themselves, without realising that they are doing so. It is not a pre-requirement of an A that the OW twist herself into a pretzel to accommodate the MM - plenty of OWs and MMs have "normal" Rs that run along normal lines of expectations and demands, and the world doesn't end. You will get the kind of R you're prepared to put up with - if you demand respect and consideration, and proper communications, then you will get that - if not with this guy, then with someone else who can and is willing to give you what matters to you.

Good luck - the power is in your hands, not his!

January 31, 2011

Exactly. Why are y'all so ready to tell her she can only get crumbs? The only reason someone gets nothing more than crumbs is if that is what they accept. Ask for me expect more and you will get more. If you dont and you accept it, that is your choice.

January 31, 2011

"You will get the kind of R you're prepared to put up with - if you demand respect and consideration, and proper communications, then you will get that - if not with this guy, then with someone else who can and is willing to give you what matters to you".

Now, this I agree with.

January 31, 2011

Exactly. Why are y'all so ready to tell her she can only get crumbs? The only reason someone gets nothing more than crumbs is if that is what they accept. Ask for me expect more and you will get more. If you dont and you accept it, that is your choice.

I guess it's a lot easier to equate A with MM = crumbs, R with SG = the whole polony, when the reality is a lot more complex and nuanced.

Some SGs can and will only ever give crumbs, just as some MM will.

Some MM can and will deliver on the full R experiences, just as some SGs will.

Whether any particular MM is one of the former or latter categories will only ever emerge though if you don't make assumptions about what's possible or even what's best for them and their situation, but tell them outright what it is you want, need and value. Once they know your expectations, it's up to them to step up and meet them, or slink away into the shadows muttering that they're late picking up their kids from Daycare...

February 2, 2011

Hi, thank you for all your replies they are insightful and helping me think about things.

I saw MM last night and had a chance to speak properly and I am satisfied he was having a very traumatic weekend. He said it would be OK for me to call him if anything similar happened another time and I was concerned, or if I needed him in an emergency, which made me feel reassured.

He seems to be exploring the idea of proper separation but having read a few other threads on this board I will believe nothing until he actually does something! I wonder if I should set myself a time by which if he hasn’t made a decision I should think about moving on?

February 2, 2011

If you freak out because he didn't contact you for one day, you will not survive this. I'm dead serious. This is just the beginning. Think about holidays, anniversaries, etc...it's going to wreck you completely if one day of no contact bothers you that much. You're just in the very early stage, not too deep into this mud, get out while you can.

February 2, 2011

He seems to be exploring the idea of proper separation but having read a few other threads on this board I will believe nothing until he actually does something! I wonder if I should set myself a time by which if he hasn’t made a decision I should think about moving on?

You've only been seeing him and in the A for 3 months, so if something is going to happen, it should (meaning, he moves out and files for divorce, shows you proof of papers) soon, like before the summer. If he was ready to leave and divorce his wife before you came into life, then this is the push out the door in some sense. But, and I'm sure you've read, there is always a big possibility that in his mind, he would LIKE to leave and divorce, be with you, but actually putting a plan into action and following through is much different. He very well could be happy just having an affair, never to leave his wife for you. The thing there is, are you okay being the OW indefinately?

I would put a time limit on it, for your own heart and sanity. Not saying this will happen, but usually how this goes is (I base this from reading OW stories on here) he will give excuse after excuse as to why he can't leave now.. My kids bday, summer holidays, my wedding anniversary, Valentines Day, a death in the family, kids going back to school, thankgiving, Christmas, can't disrupt them at a time like this...etc...etc..etc...

The choice is yours. If he chooses to divorce, step back and put things on hold until HE is free and clear. Otherwise you'll get hurt, possibly be sucked into his drama when his marriage ends.

Time will tell if he just is giving you empty words and broken promises or if he truly wants to leave and start a new life with you.

Sign In

How do you deal with it when there's suddenly no contact?

Recommended Posts

JustPastMidnight

BB07

whichwayisup

JustPastMidnight

jj33

Fieldsofgold

whichwayisup

NoIDidn't

JustPastMidnight

jj33

jj33

Fieldsofgold

wheelwright

Rubys

Rubys

skywriter

Fieldsofgold

OWoman

OWoman

jj33

skywriter

OWoman

JustPastMidnight

sarkandlauren

whichwayisup

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...