steelknife Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 i am a former other woman. and i found out, i was also being cheated on.. the saying "dont do to others what you dont want done to you" or "if he can lie to his wife, he can lie to you" have never resounded more than any other time. the thing is, i know ill never go back to him. or to the affair. i also know deep inside me that i still love him. and i also realized, how he didnt. and how he played and manipulated me and my feelings to the hilt. ive cut myself completely out of his life. completely. but everyday, i still thnk of him. and the other other woman. and how he was able to manage me, his family, and another woman. this is clearly a case of a need to forgive myself. it is just funny how things come together now and i remember some incident in the past. some confusing, questionable statement or actions and say "oh that was why..." i need to accept that ive been had. i fell hook, line and sinker. and although i know that ill never give him any chance to come near me again, i just couldnt get over the fact the he played me to a magical drama and romantic movie worthy of an award. and believed him. how i did! i realized, there was not a grain of truth to whatever he said to me. all those things he said again and again were all lies. what he did to me, where we go, what he tells me. he does 2x. to me, then the other other woman. what a joke.. the BS is staying with him. funny how she has accepted her role. how she feels she has to stay for whatever reason.. how she has bowed down to the ground for her dignity. how she has no control over him. and funny how she was the one who finally confirm my suspicion of an existing other woman aside from me. and how that hurt. but if im hurt, it is nothing to what the BS has to put up again and again and again. i take it from the way she spoke, she is so used to other woman calling her to tell her about the WS. its like "oh youll get over him. youre not the first, youre not the last, youre not the only one. im so used to them calling me and asking for forgiveness.." it hurts so much. i just never thought this would happen to me. i dont know anymore what section here in LS to post. i try so hard. so hard. how can i move on? how can i forgive myself. how can i stop hating him for all he did to me. for all his lies. for all the times he said things to me that i thought was true but realized now that he has been saying the same thing to the other woman. how can i just forget this 26 months of my life. when i gave so much of me. and then i realized how he played with my feelings. there was not a single truth to it. all those lies. lies. lies. how can i forget? how can i accept that i did not mean anything to him at all when i believed otherwise....
SunsetRed Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 You'll start to move on as you stay on this thread and read how all of us have heard the exact same BS stories and experienced the exact same BS scenarios from our xMM. All of these guys are the same, and it's as if they have some sort of secret manual that they are passing around on how to lie and deceive the W and OW. Once you realize that your story is not unique and that all of us have heard the same lies, you'll realize what a con artist you were with and it will help you move on. I'm almost at month #5 of my break up. I am not completely "over it" but I'm definetly ready for someone/something besides him to occupy my time and thoughts. Stay strong!
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 You are very strong and wise.. And once you really grieve and most of all, forgive yourself, the cobwebs will clear and you'll come out of this a better person, and much happier too. Maybe she's got someone on the side, maybe she's okay with him doing whatever, she's settling, doesn't want to give up her lifestyle and all that she has, who knows. Sorry that you're hurting. Again, forgive yourself..It's your path to peace.
Author steelknife Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 it is so painful to realize all those times in the past when you finally put them all together and confirm to yourself youve been had. i look back as far as the first year we were together and i cant put my finger on it. but there was something wrong.. but i trust him. the best thing i know is to move on. i try so hard. im not normally vindictive but i feel like getting back at him. but whats the point? i know that this is the best thing ive done for myself.. ijust need to find the path for healing and forgiveness of myself. and accept that it was, i was just a game to him..
seren Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I am sorry for your hurt SK, as a fromer BS, I can relate to the trusting, the thinking something is off and not knowing what it was, then being blindsided when the truth is out. I cannot understand how his BS keeps there when it is over and over again. I think you have had an (not going to say lucky because it must still hurt much) escape from future heartache. Anyone who trusts the words of those they love only to find they are lies is not a fool, or stupid or in denial - just trusting and believing the one they love has their back. The best revenge is living well and enjoying life. I hope it gets better for you.
Fieldsofgold Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 i am a former other woman. and i found out, i was also being cheated on.. the saying "dont do to others what you dont want done to you" or "if he can lie to his wife, he can lie to you" have never resounded more than any other time. the thing is, i know ill never go back to him. or to the affair. i also know deep inside me that i still love him. and i also realized, how he didnt. and how he played and manipulated me and my feelings to the hilt. ive cut myself completely out of his life. completely. but everyday, i still thnk of him. and the other other woman. and how he was able to manage me, his family, and another woman. this is clearly a case of a need to forgive myself. it is just funny how things come together now and i remember some incident in the past. some confusing, questionable statement or actions and say "oh that was why..." i need to accept that ive been had. i fell hook, line and sinker. and although i know that ill never give him any chance to come near me again, i just couldnt get over the fact the he played me to a magical drama and romantic movie worthy of an award. and believed him. how i did! i realized, there was not a grain of truth to whatever he said to me. all those things he said again and again were all lies. what he did to me, where we go, what he tells me. he does 2x. to me, then the other other woman. what a joke.. the BS is staying with him. funny how she has accepted her role. how she feels she has to stay for whatever reason.. how she has bowed down to the ground for her dignity. how she has no control over him. and funny how she was the one who finally confirm my suspicion of an existing other woman aside from me. and how that hurt. but if im hurt, it is nothing to what the BS has to put up again and again and again. i take it from the way she spoke, she is so used to other woman calling her to tell her about the WS. its like "oh youll get over him. youre not the first, youre not the last, youre not the only one. im so used to them calling me and asking for forgiveness.." it hurts so much. i just never thought this would happen to me. i dont know anymore what section here in LS to post. i try so hard. so hard. how can i move on? how can i forgive myself. how can i stop hating him for all he did to me. for all his lies. for all the times he said things to me that i thought was true but realized now that he has been saying the same thing to the other woman. how can i just forget this 26 months of my life. when i gave so much of me. and then i realized how he played with my feelings. there was not a single truth to it. all those lies. lies. lies. how can i forget? how can i accept that i did not mean anything to him at all when i believed otherwise.... If it makes you feel any better, you were certainly not tricked the worst. I, for one, was OOW, and didn't even know he was married!!! How's THAT for being played for a fool! I can't begin to describe how duped and violated I felt. And then there was his OW, who spent TEN YEARS of her life dedicated to this man, traipsing across country with him, living in his house, much like a wife, and then ended up put out in the street with nothing. After ten years! So, if it's any consolation to you, just know that there are a lot of women (and men) who've been played a lot worse, and for much longer. And his wife, like the one in your situation, knew about the OW and tolerated it. After talking with both the W and OW at length on several occasions, I have to say I don't think I've ever met two more weak, needy, pathetic women in my life, as his W and OW. You can be thankful YOU have the self-worth in you to stand up and move on! I can truthfully say I am fully over mine at this point, but I wasn't involved nearly as long as you, so that makes a difference in how long it takes to heal, I'm sure. Even so, it took me quite a while to recover! I went through a lot of phases, like I think you are doing now. I remember the anger. The night i found out he was M with an OW, I had murderous rage. Then shock and disbelief, and then the anger really hit me, again, some time after the disbelief and "how could I have been so stupid" started to wear off. I was just in a total rage for a while. Wanted to say and do mean things to him (and I'm not that kind of person.) but I realized that nothing I said or did to him would hurt him or cause him to have remorse. It would be more productive to flog a fence post. (which I did on a few occasions.) I would vascillate between feeling anger, stupid, hurt, and fearful (that I couldn't trust my own judgment). Silverplanets described how it would come in waves, but like ripples on a pond, gradually the waves would be weaker and smaller, and he was right. Finally, there are no more ripples - just a low-level contempt. Now I have new insights into human nature, a new website to frequent, a new set of on-line friends, and maybe a helpful story for someone. To answer the question in your title, "when does 'you'll get over it' start?" IMHO, "you'll get over it" started when you first became discontent with the dynamics of the relationship. That's when you began moving toward change. BTW, I think you're doing great! Keep posting!
BB07 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 You've been given some wonderful advice and lots of kind words SK. I also was tricked and deceived into being the OW and I so understand the anger and the humiliation of being played for a fool. The anger is part of the healing process and you'll get past it, I promise. It's just been in the last few weeks that I've realized that the worst of it is behind me. Be proud of yourself steel because you are nobodies fool now and you are healing even though you might not see it now, but you are. Some men are truly evil in their lies and their schemes, but you are free of him now.
tami-chan Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Sorry about how you are feeling and welcome to LS! the BS is staying with him. funny how she has accepted her role. how she feels she has to stay for whatever reason.. how she has bowed down to the ground for her dignity. how she has no control over him. and funny how she was the one who finally confirm my suspicion of an existing other woman aside from me. and how that hurt. but if im hurt, it is nothing to what the BS has to put up again and again and again. i take it from the way she spoke, she is so used to other woman calling her to tell her about the WS. its like "oh youll get over him. youre not the first, youre not the last, youre not the only one. im so used to them calling me and asking for forgiveness.." Do not worry about why the BS is staying with him or that she has stayed again and again after each "betrayal". I was a BS many times over. I chose to stay but trust me I stayed for my own reasons and it was far from a joyful existence for my H (now exH)-as a matter of fact, I was accused by some that during that time I must have been "power tripping"-go figure . I have no need to explain (not anymore, anyway) why I stayed. That said, it is better for you to stop mulling about why your exMM's wife stayed-you just simply do not know and saying stuff like "she has bowed down to the ground for her dignity" is simply you speculating/hoping/assuming...don't do that..it is not healthy. i try so hard. so hard. how can i move on? how can i forgive myself. how can i stop hating him for all he did to me. for all his lies. for all the times he said things to me that i thought was true but realized now that he has been saying the same thing to the other woman. how can i just forget this 26 months of my life. when i gave so much of me. and then i realized how he played with my feelings. there was not a single truth to it. all those lies. lies. lies. how can i forget? how can i accept that i did not mean anything to him at all when i believed otherwise.... I once was told that it takes at least double the amount of time to fall out of love than to fall in love.....pretty grim , right? Anyhow,2 things: time and be proactive in your healing. Okay, so you were an OW- it is not the worst thing a human being can do to another,imho...so give yourself some slack (by the way, I was also an OW-way after I was a BS). Be realistic. You will not forget..but in time you will be able to deal with the truth. Get rid of things that remind you of him: photos, gifts, etc,etc,-if you can't bring yourself to burn them or give them away---box them up and have a friend keep them for you until such you would know what to do with them permanently. Fill your 'free' time with something new and interesting-yoga, ballroom dancing, photography classes, wine tasting, etc,etc. Be hopeful and believe that you will be okay.
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Great advice TC! Be realistic. You will not forget..but in time you will be able to deal with the truth. Get rid of things that remind you of him: photos, gifts, etc,etc,-if you can't bring yourself to burn them or give them away---box them up and have a friend keep them for you until such you would know what to do with them permanently. Fill your 'free' time with something new and interesting-yoga, ballroom dancing, photography classes, wine tasting, etc,etc. Be hopeful and believe that you will be okay.
Author steelknife Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Sorry about how you are feeling and welcome to LS! Do not worry about why the BS is staying with him or that she has stayed again and again after each "betrayal". I was a BS many times over. I chose to stay but trust me I stayed for my own reasons and it was far from a joyful existence for my H (now exH)-as a matter of fact, I was accused by some that during that time I must have been "power tripping"-go figure . I have no need to explain (not anymore, anyway) why I stayed. That said, it is better for you to stop mulling about why your exMM's wife stayed-you just simply do not know and saying stuff like "she has bowed down to the ground for her dignity" is simply you speculating/hoping/assuming...don't do that..it is not healthy. Be realistic. You will not forget..but in time you will be able to deal with the truth. Get rid of things that remind you of him: photos, gifts, etc,etc,-if you can't bring yourself to burn them or give them away---box them up and have a friend keep them for you until such you would know what to do with them permanently. Fill your 'free' time with something new and interesting-yoga, ballroom dancing, photography classes, wine tasting, etc,etc. Be hopeful and believe that you will be okay. i am so sorry if i came across to you as mulling over the BS staying. but no i was not. maybe more of perplexed why she puts up with all the women. she seemed so used to all of them calling her and telling her what her husband did to them. she said that she wishes i would be able to move on. i did not speculate re those dignity lines. she said that to me when i told her after dday that her husband kept calling me still. and she said is taht so? what do u want me to do? well..i didnt expect that kind of answer. she should know. she is the wife. there was a dday so i assume she calls the shots. and then she said she cant beg anymore. she doesnt have any dignity anymore.. she said that. thats why in my confusion of the aftermath, if she feels that way. why is she staying. but anyway..i just mentioned that in relation to my post. but really, i dont care . with me calling the wife and telling her he doesnt let me go. i dont care what happens to them. im trying very best to move on. but i cant... with pain and anger and betrayal. i cant... tahnk you so much for your advice. im jsut setting out soem things straight. it was not a speculation.
Author steelknife Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) it hurts so much because i know i was living in a lie. he was married after all and i put up with all of it because i love him. but it hurt more when i found out that he was just playing with my feelings. i was banking on the reality of his words and feelings because clearly, he went out of his way to do things for me and i realzied. it was all a lie. a game. because he was doing it likewise to another woman aside fr me and his wife. i deserve all this i know. for banging someone elses husband. and truth be told, if i can bring back time, i wont. the thing is, the only consolation i have is that with my sacrifice and immense patience for understanding him and his situation, i thought at least, that he genuinely loved and cared for me. but he was also lying to me. i couldnt believe how he was able to play it all. i trusted him completely. it was like everything was futile. i thought that even if i had to let go because it ws the wrong thing after all, at least i know he loved me and make the sacrifice somehow worthwhile. made my mistake at least bearable bec i believe he loved me and had to stay for his family. i thought i can hang on to that. but now that i know it wasnt even real. there was totally nothing to it. that he played with my feelings. that he also had anoather other woman. (or maybe i was the other other woman?) what justification can i make for doing what i did? i cant forgive myself. i cant forgive him. i would kill him if i have the chance. i would kill him for playing with my feelings. for making me believe he truly loved me. for telling me all those things... it is so difficult to heal because i know now it was a deliberate action on his part to play with me... and all those denials about the other woman.. i just cant believe this. help me.. Edited January 30, 2011 by steelknife
Author steelknife Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 If And his wife, like the one in your situation, knew about the OW and tolerated it. After talking with both the W and OW at length on several occasions, I have to say I don't think I've ever met two more weak, needy, pathetic women in my life, as his W and OW. You can be thankful YOU have the self-worth in you to stand up and move on! I can truthfully say I am fully over mine at this point, but I wasn't involved nearly as long as you, so that makes a difference in how long it takes to heal, I'm sure. Even so, it took me quite a while to recover! I went through a lot of phases, like I think you are doing now. I remember the anger. The night i found out he was M with an OW, I had murderous rage. Then shock and disbelief, and then the anger really hit me, again, some time after the disbelief and "how could I have been so stupid" started to wear off. I was just in a total rage for a while. Wanted to say and do mean things to him (and I'm not that kind of person.) but I realized that nothing I said or did to him would hurt him or cause him to have remorse. It would be more productive to flog a fence post. (which I did on a few occasions.) To answer the question in your title, "when does 'you'll get over it' start?" IMHO, "you'll get over it" started when you first became discontent with the dynamics of the relationship. That's when you began moving toward change. BTW, I think you're doing great! Keep posting! how right are you in the bolded parts. i thnk bec of him so used to doing it. hurting all the women. playing with them and their feelings. it is a no brainer to dump them when the time comes. and start with another one when everything cools down. he has no remorse or regret for hurting anyone and from what i heard of him, he really didnt want to let me go. and i beleived him. that he was struggling except that it was something he had to do. and something i had to understand. what a sick joke is this. now, not even his feelings for me were true. not of it were. not a single one in all those times together. i was just USED.
woinlove Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 it hurts so much because i know i was living in a lie. he was married after all and i put up with all of it because i love him. but it hurt more when i found out that he was just playing with my feelings. i was banking on the reality of his words and feelings because clearly, he went out of his way to do things for me and i realzied. it was all a lie. a game. because he was doing it likewise to another woman aside fr me and his wife. i deserve all this i know. for banging someone elses husband. and truth be told, if i can bring back time, i wont. the thing is, the only consolation i have is that with my sacrifice and immense patience for understanding him and his situation, i thought at least, that he genuinely loved and cared for me. but he was also lying to me. i couldnt believe how he was able to play it all. i trusted him completely. it was like everything was futile. i thought that even if i had to let go because it ws the wrong thing after all, at least i know he loved me and make the sacrifice somehow worthwhile. made my mistake at least bearable bec i believe he loved me and had to stay for his family. i thought i can hang on to that. but now that i know it wasnt even real. there was totally nothing to it. that he played with my feelings. that he also had anoather other woman. (or maybe i was the other other woman?) what justification can i make for doing what i did? i cant forgive myself. i cant forgive him. i would kill him if i have the chance. i would kill him for playing with my feelings. for making me believe he truly loved me. for telling me all those things... it is so difficult to heal because i know now it was a deliberate action on his part to play with me... and all those denials about the other woman.. i just cant believe this. help me.. I'm sorry you are in such pain. It sounds like the MM isn't capable of really loving anyone else. But you are, and that is worth a lot. Try not to focus on the idea that he deliberately played you. Figuring out the motives and feelings of someone who is that broken is typically a losing battle. Just think of him as broken and incapable of love and focus on yourself and try to give yourself some self-love. I really hope you can take some of the good advice given above, of finding some new things to enjoy. Even if nothing seems enjoyable at the moment, if you just do them anyway, the enjoyment will come.
spice4life Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 it hurts so much because i know i was living in a lie. he was married after all and i put up with all of it because i love him. but it hurt more when i found out that he was just playing with my feelings. i was banking on the reality of his words and feelings because clearly, he went out of his way to do things for me and i realzied. it was all a lie. a game. because he was doing it likewise to another woman aside fr me and his wife. i deserve all this i know. for banging someone elses husband. and truth be told, if i can bring back time, i wont. the thing is, the only consolation i have is that with my sacrifice and immense patience for understanding him and his situation, i thought at least, that he genuinely loved and cared for me. but he was also lying to me. i couldnt believe how he was able to play it all. i trusted him completely. it was like everything was futile. i thought that even if i had to let go because it ws the wrong thing after all, at least i know he loved me and make the sacrifice somehow worthwhile. made my mistake at least bearable bec i believe he loved me and had to stay for his family. i thought i can hang on to that. but now that i know it wasnt even real. there was totally nothing to it. that he played with my feelings. that he also had anoather other woman. (or maybe i was the other other woman?) what justification can i make for doing what i did? i cant forgive myself. i cant forgive him. i would kill him if i have the chance. i would kill him for playing with my feelings. for making me believe he truly loved me. for telling me all those things... it is so difficult to heal because i know now it was a deliberate action on his part to play with me... and all those denials about the other woman.. i just cant believe this. help me.. Welcome back steelknife...it's nice to see you posting. I was wonderinng how you were doing! And wow! I have no idea what I would do if I found out that I was one of several. How terrible! Everything you are feeling right now is totally normal. You have every right to be spitting bullets...I know I would be. Look at it this way, the bs did you a favor by telling you because now you can truly heal and move on. She catapulted you into the anger phase that you were so hoping to find. Feel it! Feel every ounce of it until you have no need to anymore. The otherside is not far away now. After the rage will come some sadness and then acceptance. That is when you will be able to forgive yourself. I'm a firm believer that every conflict (no matter how difficult) holds a silver lining. There was something in this that you needed to learn about yourself and relationships. You are now armed with knowledge that will, not only, keep you from getting involved with guys like this, but also help you find the happiness you so deserve. And you do!!! Once the anger dissipates and you reach forgiveness, you will be looking forward to the future possibility of finding and being in a healthy, loving, normal relationship. I know it's hard to see right now, but I promise you will!!! I'm willing to bet on it! You have come so far and you are truly an inspiration. Keep up the great work and keep posting. I'm sure I'm speaking for others in addition to myself when I say, "we've missed you!" Even though your angry, you are moving forward in leaps and bounds in your healing! Have faith in that. Inner peace is not so far away.
tami-chan Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 When does "you'll get over it" start? When you stop telling yourself "I CAN'T". It is simple and appears simplistic but it is an important step.
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 When does "you'll get over it" start? When you stop telling yourself "I CAN'T". It is simple and appears simplistic but it is an important step. This is so true. Apparently there's no such thing as "I can't" there's "I won't" but not "I can't." I can't is fear based.
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