sb129 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 My problem lies with the fact that he did it, WHILE I was yelling at him not to. I feel like if he respected me, he would have turned around and said, "why should I not do this? What will happen?" And when something bad DID happen, he should have immediately returned the animal to me when I asked. If you were yelling at him, his first reaction would have been to do the opposite of what you were saying. Also, if you were yelling, that wouldn't have calmed the iguana down. You see no problem with the fact that she asked him to stop what he was doing wrong with a living animal and told him to give the animal back to her, and he refused her and ignored her? We weren't there- if she was yelling as she said she was, perhaps there was loss of respect and compliance on both sides. OP, I understand where you are coming from but from what you have said about your fiance it sounds like he is very keen to help and be part of your world, but he is still making the odd mistake due to a lack of knowledge. I think you need to educate him in a different way instead of getting angry and yelling at him.
dispatch3d Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 You do seem very passionate about your wild animals. If I was the fiancee I would just stay the hell out of the way between the two of you. It's kinda like jumping into a bull fight and expecting not to get bulldozed over (from the sounds of your post). You should just communicate that to him.
Questionis Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Well... you learn all kinds of interesting things on this site, never expected to learn about iguanas though.
Eeyore79 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 There are other stories (him chasing an extremely abused parrot with a baseball and an alligator skull, thinking it's "playing.") Chasing an abused parrot with a baseball (or maybe you meant a baseball bat?!!) is animal abuse and as such is disgusting. I have no idea how you could let such a cruel individual come anywhere near you, let alone be intimate with him. I would have dumped him on the spot; I cannot stand animal abuse
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 EXACTLY. This is my problem. When I demanded for him to give me the iguana back after he had clearly been the one responsible for terrifying the poor thing, he just refused. It was disrespectful. And he is bigger than me and more powerful than me, if he refuses to do something, there is really nothing I can do about it. So if he won't LISTEN to me, then what do I have? Demand? Your attitude is most likely an issue. You don't demand that he do something... then expect him to respect you. You don't deserve respect if you wont give it. Your post is reeking of disrespect, constantly comparing him to a child. You put the iguana on a leash just like a dog. It is not unreasonable for him to assume that the leash is to be used differently. You immediately began screaming. Fail. Maybe you should do as some of the knee posters suggest and go find a doormat type guy to wipe your feet on. Or take my suggestion and be reasonable. Take time to teach him how to handle each of your animals. Make sure to keep his attention by being brief and just covering important stuff upfront. Use more detail later as he handles the reptile.
Undine Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I am going to school for wildlife biology. I've warned him about this for years. From the beginning, we have fought over him treating my wild animals as if they were domesticated. . It's not as if she just flipped her lid out of the blue. It sounds like it's been going on for a long time and as she said, there are more stories. It doesn't mean a man is a doormat for him to respect his gf in her field of expertise, or to respect a living animal that is clearly in distress. I think it's a bad sign that he was just determined to do his thing his own way no matter how much it was distressing both his girlfriend and a vulnerable animal . Hanther, what if you ask him not to touch your animals at all for now, and reintroduce them one at a time, teaching him slowly? He should not be around them at all if he can't/won't handle them with care.
dispatch3d Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I mean, I realize you won't like this but well. You owe the fiancee an apology for the way you're treating him. It really is like you're treating him like a little kid. I realize you get worked up about your animals, and that's more than fair. Like I said earlier, I would just avoid the cause of conflict altogether (if I were him). You may give him "tasks" to do, but prehaps you should chill on the tasks. It sounds like you kinda jump down his throat when he does something, and then blame him if ANYTHING goes wrong. I wouldn't really like being in that situation, so I would just avoid it if you continually did that. I don't know, its a hard thing to get around, so I'll give you that. Conflict resolution is important though, and it sounds like you would benefit from trying some other strategies (especially avoid blaming him. Take ownership of what YOU did wrong, and let him do similar for himself.).
Duckduckgoose Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Umm... my soon-to-be ex Husband would make comments about gerbils I used to have... about if I cheated he would cut them up piece by piece and send them to me in the mail... he would throw the cockatiel if she got excited and screeched in his ear (if she was on his shoulder)... he would threaten to stomp my tarantulas. Yeah, he was usually nice to the birds (the only pet he interacted with) but the times that he was outright mean to them made me wonder. He also didn't have any remorse letting mice from his first apartment get stuck to a sticky trap and starve to death. When I told him it was dying a slow death he suggested nailing the trap to a tree and using a machete on the mouse as target practice. I wouldn't let him do it, and I killed the mouse on the sticky trap humanely. Then I went and got the snap/kill traps so the rest of the mice in his place would not suffer for his sadism. Doing that kind of stuff to animals is signs of a sick mind. Especially birds, who get easily stressed out. Dunno much about Iguanas. Plus your fiance is not listening to you, that is a bad sign. You will need to talk to him about this. He needs to respect your profession and your animals. If not, you need to leave. It would be best for you and the animals.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 You see no problem with the fact that she asked him to stop what he was doing wrong with a living animal and told him to give the animal back to her, and he refused her and ignored her? After reading the initial post and some of the follow ups. It seems to me that the OP has an attitude issue. I can't say for sure why her guy is acting as he is... but I would say it's likely that he is responding to her poor attitude. How you ask someone to do something is very important. If you don't ask them in a polite or respectful way, then you have no right to expect anything but a rude response. I understand OP was in an emotional panic over the iguana's safety, but sometimes life requires perspective, and in the scheme of things it was not a big deal. Had it been handled differently would not have become as bad as it did. Basically, my problem doesn't lie with the fact that he wanted to put the iguana outside and walk it like a dog. That is an honest mistake. My problem lies with the fact that he did it, WHILE I was yelling at him not to. I feel like if he respected me, he would have turned around and said, "why should I not do this? What will happen?" I can't really tell you what he was thinking or feeling, but just based on what you are saying, I would suggest a different approach. You probably think that getting visibly upset with him is the best way to get his attention... and it might work sometimes, but it isn't a good solution. You need to find a way to get him to listen without being adversarial. Many guys will just get angry and ignore you simply because of your approach. It's not as if she just flipped her lid out of the blue. It sounds like it's been going on for a long time and as she said, there are more stories. It doesn't mean a man is a doormat for him to respect his gf in her field of expertise, or to respect a living animal that is clearly in distress. I think it's a bad sign that he was just determined to do his thing his own way no matter how much it was distressing both his girlfriend and a vulnerable animal . Hanther, what if you ask him not to touch your animals at all for now, and reintroduce them one at a time, teaching him slowly? He should not be around them at all if he can't/won't handle them with care. Take a step back, put yourself in this guys shoes and think how he feels. My guess is that her over-protectiveness and controlling behavior, and untrusting attitude have helped to create an equally bad attitude in him. He more than likely resents the animals at times. That doesn't make him a bad person... it just makes him equally bad as her at communicating. One of them needs to step up and put in that effort. Doing that kind of stuff to animals is signs of a sick mind. Especially birds, who get easily stressed out. Dunno much about Iguanas. Plus your fiance is not listening to you, that is a bad sign. You will need to talk to him about this. He needs to respect your profession and your animals. If not, you need to leave. It would be best for you and the animals. It seems like an overwhelmingly feminine perspective that you need not respect a man, but he is required by law and God to respect you. This is silly. Don't yell... Don't treat him like a 5th grader... ect. Then you can expect him to treat you with respect in return. Your xH sounds like a sick guy. Animals are animals... I hate people who would feeds their dogs and watch their kids starve, but a lack of caring about causing an animals pain is not a good thing.
dispatch3d Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Umm... my soon-to-be ex Husband would make comments about gerbils I used to have... about if I cheated he would cut them up piece by piece and send them to me in the mail... he would throw the cockatiel if she got excited and screeched in his ear (if she was on his shoulder)... he would threaten to stomp my tarantulas. Yeah, he was usually nice to the birds (the only pet he interacted with) but the times that he was outright mean to them made me wonder. He also didn't have any remorse letting mice from his first apartment get stuck to a sticky trap and starve to death. When I told him it was dying a slow death he suggested nailing the trap to a tree and using a machete on the mouse as target practice. I wouldn't let him do it, and I killed the mouse on the sticky trap humanely. Then I went and got the snap/kill traps so the rest of the mice in his place would not suffer for his sadism. Doing that kind of stuff to animals is signs of a sick mind. Especially birds, who get easily stressed out. Dunno much about Iguanas. Plus your fiance is not listening to you, that is a bad sign. You will need to talk to him about this. He needs to respect your profession and your animals. If not, you need to leave. It would be best for you and the animals. I'm Buddhist. Understandably, I'd probably avoid anyone who acted like that towards others. I don't understand how you could end up with someone like that, but I guess you are divorcing him now.
fishtaco Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Strange. If I were your fiance, and I pissed off the lizard or some other animal, and you start yelling at me, I will hand the animal back to you, and let you deal with it. I may get mad at you for your possible over-reaction depending on the situation, but I WILL hand the animal back. Although I suspect the reason you blew up like that was because this happens repeatedly. Strange how he's so uncooperative. Either he has below average IQ or there's other things going on.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I'm Buddhist. Understandably, I'd probably avoid anyone who acted like that towards others. I don't understand how you could end up with someone like that, but I guess you are divorcing him now. I told him in no uncertain terms if he hurt the bird (when he threw her she would fly to her cage) or any of the other critters that I would blow his brains out. (two wrongs =/= right, I know this) Yes, we are divorcing. If he ever gets the papers to me I will be glad to sign them and get on with my life. If he waits too long to get the papers to me I will serve him myself in a couple months (I have been thinking late March), probably at his job so he will never live the embarrassment down. He would also make comments about shaking babies till they stopped crying... yeah not cool. I am not that fond of babies but that just wasn't right. I should have listened to my parents when they said that a person who hurts animals will have no problem hurting a human. I would like to add to it that the way they care for their pets and treat them is a good indication of how they will treat someone they are involved with. It probably doesn't apply to everyone but I've seen a lot of people it does apply to.
harmfulsweetz Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Actually, my best friend has a lifestyle similar to yours. Her house/yard are full of reptiles and other animals that are not the typical dog/cat variety. I've seen her put her Iguana on a leash before, so I know it can happen. Now, back to your question. You need to dump your fiance's ass now. Kick him to the curb and don't look back. Any man who is mean/inappropriate to the animals you love is being mean/inappropriate to you. It will only get worse if you marry him and don't be surprised if some mysterious "accident" happens and some of your animals die or disappear. He's probably jealous of the love and attention you give your animals, but whatever....you've already talked to him about this and he knows how imp it is to you that he respect your animals and he does not care....he needs to be kicked to the curb. I didn't read it that he was mean to her animals at all, if anything, he probably over does it a tad, and treats them like they are domesticated pets when they aren't. If anything, he may need some basic training in how to properly handle wild animals. OP, you forget that this is your vocation, and you made your lifestyle suit it and you're fully trained to care and nurture these animals (good for you by the way) he isn't. I don't think it's that he wants harm to come to these animals, I just think he doesn't know how to properly behave around them. A little nudge in the right direction, couldn't hurt. Like, if you put the iguana on a leash again, show him how to walk it, let him walk beside you, let him see you to properly handle one, then let him try.
bayouboi Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 If your boyfriend is such a pest, and your pests are your love, why not drop the boyfriend, and grow old with your pests?
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I only read your first post, that's enough for me to read as animal cruelity makes me sick to my stomach and makes my blood boil. BREAK UP WITH HIM! He has no respect for those animals, or for you and what you do. I usually don't tell people to give up on a relationship so fast, without giving the person a chance to make things right and better, but in your situation, this guy is a goon and hate to say it, but probably was a bully in school. (Yeah I know I am assuming, just that his behaviour is disguisting!)
harmfulsweetz Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 After reading some of the posts, I'm shocked that people are throwing the term sociopath around. I don't see very much in any of her posts that indicate such, maybe he is a little immature, a little foolish, but I don't think he did those things to torture the animal, or tease it in any way. Until you learn how to care for a specific animal, you can't possibly know. Chances are, he's used to domesticated animals, and since the iguana acts such in the home, and the leash was put on it, he may have assumed that it was alright. Of course, you both need to learn to communicate with each other. I fear that may be the issue, you wanted him to do something and he didn't do it. Had you not yelled at him, and demanded he do something, perhaps you may have gotten a different response. Try saying something like "let me show you," and take a turn with it, and show him how it needs to be handled. If anything, at least he wants to be involved, and seems willing, but you can't expect him to learn a thing if you don't bother to teach him. Sit down, have a talk, find something on youtube about handling iguanas/other wild animals maybe, and see if that educates him a bit better. I can smother my dogs in attention too much at times too, it's not about bad intentions.
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Harm, he KNOWS the history behind these animals, she's told him and he totally disreguards her instructions on how to behave with them. Sorry, unless he has ADD or is severly brain damaged, the guy is an idiot.
harmfulsweetz Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Harm, he KNOWS the history behind these animals, she's told him and he totally disreguards her instructions on how to behave with them. Sorry, unless he has ADD or is severly brain damaged, the guy is an idiot. Sorry, but she also mentioned he was brilliant with taking care of them in feeding them, looking after them around the house, etc. It's not a case of animal abuse at all, he is treating them as if they are domesticated, but not many people understand how to care for a reptile. He's never had one before, only dogs, and she is trained to look after them, not him. She said he knew they had been abused, but not that he knew how to properly care for them. I do not see where in her OP that grants people to call him a sociopath, and sick. We don't know him, and in her further posts, she describes that on another side, he is good with them, just not in certain areas. Perhaps if she hadn't yelled at him, and kept calm, and shown him how to do it, he may have listened. A woman doesn't just get to demand he respect her and listen to her, simply because she is a woman, she has to earn it by showing respect in turn. The issue isn't with how he treats these animals, it's with their communication. His behaviour is borderline innappropriate but this could be down to a lack of education.
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