Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Nope I have looked up both sides but only one side is bluntly full of cow dung. I really and truly am sorry you still hurt so much.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Please don't misunderstand me GR. I neither know nor want to know about your affair. To paraphrase Willie Nelson, "there's nothing you can do about it now". What I am concerned about is the well-being of your family, BF and you, in that order. You have already gotten what you wanted, apparently. You married , had kids, and had an affair. These were all your choices, you made them by putting yourself first. Now is the time to put others first. Forget about your guilt, forget about your feelings , do the work you need to do, for THEM. DONT you worry JJ... My sleeves are all rolled up, I am ready to work. This is why I came here in the first place... Although I am truly beginning to wonder why? I cant say I have been receiving any good advice.... but lot's of flak
IfiKnewThen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 distant....lol i dont care. and you like an argument that why you challenged me quote: Again validating a cheater's hurtful actions is not productive. I'm not the one who's trying to justify their poor decisions but you're right: The outcome is the same for all affairs and it's not positive. Again, distant..you arent trying to justify poor decisions but you are justifying poor manners on here. wow what a legacy. quote: The outcome is the same for all affairs and it's not positive. here we both agree on something.
JustJoe Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 GR, most of the people who have posted on this thread are FBS'S. Their bitterness and and disappointment are what leads them to bashing you. But that is very understandable. What I've been trying to get you to understand, is that it isn't about you, your feelings, your guilt, your past actions. It is about your mindset. The reason I pointed out your comment, was to show you how deeply ingrained your patterns of thought are. You CAN chance this mindset. Many others have done so, and continue to do so. Being selfless only takes love and the simple ability to put yourself in the situations of others. When you think about your guilt, stop and think about what you did to your H. When your feelings are hurt, stop and think about the feelings of your children. When you are frustrated and depressed, stop and think about how uncertain and fearful your BF must be feeling. If you get into the habit of doing this, you will find that you outlook will improve and you will be much more involved in the healing that all of you want to happen. I wish you luck, and hope that everything turns out for the better.
Distant78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Distant78, I see you have been all over LS, posting your comments.... so it's not just me your being rude to...phew, was beginning to take all this personal!! Yes I have been all of LS like everyone else. I don't see how commenting on someone's thread is rude. I am sorry you are so bitter by what has happened to you in your past. Maybe you should seek IC? Or perhaps you find this site as some sort of stress relief??? Ahh there it goes once again: The Bitter Card. I'm not bitter nor do I need IC. I'm perfectly fine actually. Maybe you could use some of my answers to give you insight to what may of been going through your wifes mind when she cheated? I already know what was going through my ex-wife's mind when she cheated and when she gave birth to her child so no worries there. Thoughts of how good his cock was to how was she going to get the baby out of her belly. Or not Yea maybe not.
Distant78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I really and truly am sorry you still hurt so much. I'm sorry that you're continuing to hurt your BF. I really am.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 GR, most of the people who have posted on this thread are FBS'S. Their bitterness and and disappointment are what leads them to bashing you. But that is very understandable. What I've been trying to get you to understand, is that it isn't about you, your feelings, your guilt, your past actions. It is about your mindset. The reason I pointed out your comment, was to show you how deeply ingrained your patterns of thought are. You CAN chance this mindset. Many others have done so, and continue to do so. Being selfless only takes love and the simple ability to put yourself in the situations of others. When you think about your guilt, stop and think about what you did to your H. When your feelings are hurt, stop and think about the feelings of your children. When you are frustrated and depressed, stop and think about how uncertain and fearful your BF must be feeling. If you get into the habit of doing this, you will find that you outlook will improve and you will be much more involved in the healing that all of you want to happen. I wish you luck, and hope that everything turns out for the better. Thanks JJ... I'll keep on posting
Distant78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 distant....lol i dont care. and you like an argument that why you challenged me I don't recall challenging you. Again, distant..you arent trying to justify poor decisions but you are justifying poor manners on here. wow what a legacy. Justifying poor manners on a public board? What? here we both agree on something. Good.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Yes I have been all of LS like everyone else. I don't see how commenting on someone's thread is rude. Ahh there it goes once again: The Bitter Card. I'm not bitter nor do I need IC. I'm perfectly fine actually. I already know what was going through my ex-wife's mind when she cheated and when she gave birth to her child so no worries there. Thoughts of how good his cock was to how was she going to get the baby out of her belly. Yea maybe not. Its not the posting or commenting on someones thread, its your blatantly rude choice of words Distantu78. By suggesting you were bitter, I was merely trying to come up with an excuse for your beligerant arrogant rudeness. I was trying to make an excuse for you.... but I see it is quite apparent this is just the way you are... its just your personality.... because after all "your fine, really"...
IfiKnewThen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Love yourself before someone else. distant. this is such a true statement. you have to love yourself first to love someone proper. jj i am seen so many people put others first and get hurt. you need balance. a healthy balance. its not all about forgetting oneself and giving to others. ideally that is a wonderful thing. now i am NOT speaking of affair here. just for a moment. it's this concept. i have seen mothers give so much to their children and their child be spoiled take advantage..hurt and dishonor them. i have seem spouses to the same. there has to be balance. God made everything in balance and in order...the planets, the tides, ...etc.. also it is said love your neighbor as yourself (no wise cracks here). this is a bible quote. so you need to love yourself. NOT i repeat..not in a selfish way. thats NOT balance. is it? but to give everything over to others and forget oneself...and resent because you dont get back or whatever...is unhealthy. we give , we take...its a balancing act of looking out for one another. love one another. yes, the object here is to not repeat history. i get that. and that can be said in kind. kind here to her. but for her to give and receive PROPER love in kind too....she would be best served to find herself and what she wants. it is difficult to know what you want when you dont know what you have. what are your choices? her ex husband made a comment...not a commitment. as for her b/f..i believe there has been dialog between the 2 . but perhaps he would be best served to not be living with her right now and they could continue on after she gets her thoughts and feelings straight. she doesnt even know her true reality with her husband (ex). what about HIS g/f. everything is out of balance here..looks like. BUT back to distants signature....love yourself before someone else. i think as we give we understand love better. BUT we dont have to be the sacrificial lambs and not expect anything in return. that is NOT balance and NOT healthy.
Distant78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Its not the posting or commenting on someones thread, its your blatantly rude choice of words Distantu78. Hey I'm a blunt man what can I say? By suggesting you were bitter, I was merely trying to come up with an excuse for your beligerant arrogant rudeness. I understand your need to feel sorry for me but it's okay. I like where I'm at. I was trying to make an excuse for you.... but I see it is quite apparent this is just the way you are... its just your personality.... because after all "your fine, really"... Yes it is a part of my personality and it here to stay. Because after all I am fine.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 its hard to keep up with all these posts. JJ. its true (just read your post where GR quoted you) quote: GR, most of the people who have posted on this thread are FBS'S. Their bitterness and and disappointment are what leads them to bashing you. But that is very understandable. What I've been trying to get you to understand, is that it isn't about you, your feelings, your guilt, your past actions. It is about your mindset. The reason I pointed out your comment, was to show you how deeply ingrained your patterns of thought are. You CAN chance this mindset. Many others have done so, and continue to do so. Being selfless only takes love and the simple ability to put yourself in the situations of others. When you think about your guilt, stop and think about what you did to your H. When your feelings are hurt, stop and think about the feelings of your children. When you are frustrated and depressed, stop and think about how uncertain and fearful your BF must be feeling. If you get into the habit of doing this, you will find that you outlook will improve and you will be much more involved in the healing that all of you want to happen. I wish you luck, and hope that everything turns out for the better. i feel there is something to what youre saying here. can relate to that. as far as...when we try to step in anothers shoes. we become more compassionate. and we see things differently. i get that. this is a very postitive and helpful thing...and much can be learned from it and bridge the gap. i do have to add though that the OTHER people have to be willing too in life. empathy can go a long way. someones got to be the giver..understanding person...initially in relationships but to be successful...it HAS to go both ways. but understanding and compassion are the glue. when you dont want to hurt people you do the loving thing and God willing the love comes back. so i agree...its good to look from that perspective. so she can find her answers...and hurt as little people as possible. BUT in life for relationships to be right and successful it is give and take and understanding all around. balance
JustJoe Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Love yourself before someone else. distant. this is such a true statement. you have to love yourself first to love someone proper. jj i am seen so many people put others first and get hurt. you need balance. a healthy balance. its not all about forgetting oneself and giving to others. ideally that is a wonderful thing. now i am NOT speaking of affair here. just for a moment. it's this concept. i have seen mothers give so much to their children and their child be spoiled take advantage..hurt and dishonor them. i have seem spouses to the same. there has to be balance. God made everything in balance and in order...the planets, the tides, ...etc.. also it is said love your neighbor as yourself (no wise cracks here). this is a bible quote. so you need to love yourself. NOT i repeat..not in a selfish way. thats NOT balance. is it? but to give everything over to others and forget oneself...and resent because you dont get back or whatever...is unhealthy. we give , we take...its a balancing act of looking out for one another. love one another. yes, the object here is to not repeat history. i get that. and that can be said in kind. kind here to her. but for her to give and receive PROPER love in kind too....she would be best served to find herself and what she wants. it is difficult to know what you want when you dont know what you have. what are your choices? her ex husband made a comment...not a commitment. as for her b/f..i believe there has been dialog between the 2 . but perhaps he would be best served to not be living with her right now and they could continue on after she gets her thoughts and feelings straight. she doesnt even know her true reality with her husband (ex). what about HIS g/f. everything is out of balance here..looks like. BUT back to distants signature....love yourself before someone else. i think as we give we understand love better. BUT we dont have to be the sacrificial lambs and not expect anything in return. that is NOT balance and NOT healthy.I agree with this, up to a point. My suggestions to GR are working towards that balance. Her actions up until this point have been very self-serving, now in order to restore that balance, she needs to put the needs of others ahead of her own.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 distant what do you remember this? I already have my answers and I'm good with them. The question is are you.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 JJ i dont know GR's story either (GR sorry to talk about you in the 3rd person here) but WHAT IF...WHAT IF...she did ALL the giving before with her hubby and that inbalance made her resentful? all i am saying is i DONT know her situation. but i dont know that she should be all about giving to him now. they need to talk about what they are both willing to give to each other and if reuniting after 4 years divorced and part is a real viable option. but there cant be imbalance or it wont work. it doesnt have to be "perfect" balance..but balance none the less. and as i said earlier back in this post..you cant properly serve 2 masters. but i see now how you are thinking along those lines yourself because you are thinking she has to think about the others now because it appears she didnt think of them before.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 anyway i can understand there's a lot of hurt and pain here. every ones point of view makes sense. its the bashing, rudeness, fowl language almost sounding like their getting their pleasure off of it. that is completely unacceptable and inappropriate when one is looking for answers and guidance.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 .....not validation....answers and guidance. period
Distant78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 .....not validation....answers and guidance. period And that is what she's receiving. Just like you said, everyone's here to add to the mix.
Windsurf66 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 You sound as though you still hurting? Been cheated on lately? Your immature badjering is one that I wish not to entertain. When you have something intelligent to say or ask... feel free to post and I will gladly respond. Thanks Nope, i just enjoy exposing adulterers who pretend to be remorseful about their affair... You r still choosing to avoid answering pertinent questions which will expose your lies, i.e. oh, my affair was not abt sex, its about emotional support and love. *Vomits* But well, this is the normal behaviour of adulterers, i.e. gaslighting, distract and deflect the questions, lies...i am sure u have attained certain mastery of all these after the extensive practice on your current husband Really, my deepest sympathies for your husband...becos from your attitude, the people who are clear-minded here will know that u are insincere
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Your not exposing anyone here. I am here on my own free will. Exposing my own adulterous self. Iam hoping that perhaps, there are those who maybe can learn from my mistakes. There may be that one person contemplating Adultery and maybe after reading this thread, will reconsider one's own actions. For you to insuate that I have avoided answers is a load of crap. I am here to openly discuss my own story. I have nothing to hide from any of you... and really nothing to gain. You may want to take the time to re-read my thread, and my own posts. There is not attitude here... just guilt and regret, remorse and shame. I am not alarmed your type is here on this forum... I dont require the tongue-lashings, I have received. Believe me, I have self punished for 4 years now. If your not here to help. Why bother?? You must hold something personal to take the time to bash!!
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Awufully judgemental of you. I am sorry you are so one-sided and closed minded.
Meatballsmom Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 GR Sorrry to see you so mistreated. Alas it is a common event on LS. I for one do not see cheating as totaly black and white, there are shades of gray. I got trapped into a 20 year love less marriage. I married a career military man, who quickly turned into abusive alcoholic. He was always right, there was no talking to him. In away I understood him, I didn't realize when I married him that alcoholism and drug abuse ran in the family. There were not hints until after we married. He was poorly educated, and about the only way he could make a living was to stay in the military, which he hated, so nightly he drank to access. We had two children, so I was stuck. There was no talking about life, there was no discussions about where we would go on our next vacation, what ever he said went. There was no love making, I was his sexual relief, nothing more. No I never cheated, but when my kids became teenagers and we moved off base into a bigger city where I could finally get a couple of jobs to support them, I moved out. Also consider the man in a sexless marriage. What is her supposed to do? Divorce and breaking up the family is not always the answer. He ends up making the house payments, paying alimony and child support. And he still doesn't have a life. much less a decent place to live. I do not see you as having an EA with your XH. You are right to question your next move, with no regrets this time.
Distant78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I for one do not see cheating as totaly black and white, there are shades of gray. So you feel there are exceptions when someone cheats? I got trapped into a 20 year love less marriage. I married a career military man, who quickly turned into abusive alcoholic. He was always right, there was no talking to him. In away I understood him, I didn't realize when I married him that alcoholism and drug abuse ran in the family. There were not hints until after we married. But you weren't trapped. You could've left anytime. I do not see you as having an EA with your XH. You are right to question your next move, with no regrets this time. Right so it's okay for her to be in a relationship and pine for her ex in front of her BF's face?
msbrightside Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Love yourself before someone else. distant. this is such a true statement. you have to love yourself first to love someone proper. jj i am seen so many people put others first and get hurt. you need balance. a healthy balance. its not all about forgetting oneself and giving to others. ideally that is a wonderful thing. now i am NOT speaking of affair here. just for a moment. it's this concept. i have seen mothers give so much to their children and their child be spoiled take advantage..hurt and dishonor them. i have seem spouses to the same. there has to be balance. God made everything in balance and in order...the planets, the tides, ...etc.. also it is said love your neighbor as yourself (no wise cracks here). this is a bible quote. so you need to love yourself. NOT i repeat..not in a selfish way. thats NOT balance. is it? but to give everything over to others and forget oneself...and resent because you dont get back or whatever...is unhealthy. we give , we take...its a balancing act of looking out for one another. love one another. yes, the object here is to not repeat history. i get that. and that can be said in kind. kind here to her. but for her to give and receive PROPER love in kind too....she would be best served to find herself and what she wants. it is difficult to know what you want when you dont know what you have. what are your choices? her ex husband made a comment...not a commitment. as for her b/f..i believe there has been dialog between the 2 . but perhaps he would be best served to not be living with her right now and they could continue on after she gets her thoughts and feelings straight. she doesnt even know her true reality with her husband (ex). what about HIS g/f. everything is out of balance here..looks like. BUT back to distants signature....love yourself before someone else. i think as we give we understand love better. BUT we dont have to be the sacrificial lambs and not expect anything in return. that is NOT balance and NOT healthy. This is a great post and sums up just what I was thinking. GR, have you worked in IC on boundary issues? Is it possible you have been challenged by unhealthy boundaries with those closest to you? This could go back to your family of origin. I struggle with this and am learning about it in IC. It is so important to understand we literally CAN'T do what JJ and others have suggested, in terms of putting others' needs 1st, until we figure out and establish healthy and secure interpersonal boundaries.
GG2W Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I have a thing for married women. What is the trick to seducing and bedding a married woman? Talk to them. Most of them are starving for simple conversation. The truth is their husbands take them for granted and spend most of their free time playing videos, watching the boob tube, anything other than spending time and talking with their wives.
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