IfiKnewThen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 i dont care if its a public board. it shouldnt be used as a sounding board to throw rocks at others and judgments and accusations. you dont have to ABUSE the right to use a board which there is a REAL person on the other end of it. its not just a board. i couldnt agree more when you say lets stop the labels and justifications (as in calling people selfish) still not productive. is it? quote: I'm here to give my point of view and facts just like everyone else. I already have my answers and I'm good with them. The question is are you. no one is telling you or asking you not to give opinions. no one even said they are talking to you. does the shoe fit? i am saying saying you are selfish you are selfish is unproductive and almost reeks lord of the flies. she is remorseful as in her title of this post. she isnt having an emotional affair with her exh. she had a connection for years and is considering if there is any hope left when she first thought there was none. you have your answers and are good with them and the question is am i? what does that mean? i dont even care what it means . its a waste of my time. i just feel this is her post, we all have opinions but God help anyone who throws stones. thats a real sad day. ESPECIALLY when she is remorseful. she came here because she doesnt wants to hurt anyone and wants to make the right decision looks like.
Distant78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 i dont care if its a public board. it shouldnt be used as a sounding board to throw rocks at others and judgments and accusations. you dont have to ABUSE the right to use a board which there is a REAL person on the other end of it. its not just a board. i couldnt agree more when you say lets stop the labels and justifications (as in calling people selfish) still not productive. is it? quote: I'm here to give my point of view and facts just like everyone else. I already have my answers and I'm good with them. The question is are you. no one is telling you or asking you not to give opinions. no one even said they are talking to you. does the shoe fit? i am saying saying you are selfish you are selfish is unproductive and almost reeks lord of the flies. she is remorseful as in her title of this post. she isnt having an emotional affair with her exh. she had a connection for years and is considering if there is any hope left when she first thought there was none. you have your answers and are good with them and the question is am i? what does that mean? i dont even care what it means . its a waste of my time. i just feel this is her post, we all have opinions but God help anyone who throws stones. thats a real sad day. ESPECIALLY when she is remorseful. she came here because she doesnt wants to hurt anyone and wants to make the right decision looks like. Nobody's "throwing rocks" because someone doesn't validate a cheater's feelings. As I said before. You're refusing to see that while she's in a current relationship with her boyfriend, she's thinking about leaving him for her ex that she cheated on. There's nothing innocent about that and sorry if you feel I'm "throwing rocks." I'm going to continue to comment on her updates and she says she's okay with it anyway.
michelangelo Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Good people sometimes have affairs. Good people miss red flags, step over boundaries, act selfishly, make poor judgments, and generally screw up. Good people are flawed and sometimes act in hurtful ways. But affairs don't happen to people, and people don't fall into affairs. That wording is way too passive, and ignores the decisions and choices that created the affair. If you can not understand how you created the situation--rather than it happening to you--you will likely "fall into" an affair again. In fact, it sort of looks like you already have! You nailed it. Affairs are the result of active choices to have sexual contact with someone other than their spouse.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 i dont care . make your comments. i am not even surprised. niether is she i am sure.. but yes. there has been some rock throwing is the guise of ...caring about her b/f's feelings.. you said dont label. yet you keep calling her a "cheater" you dont have to validate her feelings. but you dont have to throw stones and call her names..cheater selfish..etc... in the guise and cause of what you think she is doing to her b/f. and theres a few comments about it being about sex. sheesh. affairs yes are poor choices. no doubt. but it is myopic to think it even includes sex all the time...is is about that at all. especially a female. the brain is more on the emotional level/function . so yes i agree with emotional affairs as well. and if youre a religious person it says in the bible..that jesus said he tells you truly that even thinking of another is adultery. so this is very serious. but he also asks us NOT to cast stones. so why is is so hard not to be kind. have a opinion but be kind and not cross the line of being rude. and justifying it. and challenging others to a verbal exchange. again this is not productive. PERIOD. justify it all you want........ the outcome is the same.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 ps for the record. i do think its a good idea to ideally not be living with anyone right now till she knows what she really wants. i am glad she has told her b/f whats transpired in her thinking and the new thing her husband now said to her. you have made progress and co0ntinue on that path GR
JustJoe Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 i dont care . make your comments. i am not even surprised. niether is she i am sure.. but yes. there has been some rock throwing is the guise of ...caring about her b/f's feelings.. you said dont label. yet you keep calling her a "cheater" you dont have to validate her feelings. but you dont have to throw stones and call her names..cheater selfish..etc... in the guise and cause of what you think she is doing to her b/f. and theres a few comments about it being about sex. sheesh. affairs yes are poor choices. no doubt. but it is myopic to think it even includes sex all the time...is is about that at all. especially a female. the brain is more on the emotional level/function . so yes i agree with emotional affairs as well. and if youre a religious person it says in the bible..that jesus said he tells you truly that even thinking of another is adultery. so this is very serious. but he also asks us NOT to cast stones. so why is is so hard not to be kind. have a opinion but be kind and not cross the line of being rude. and justifying it. and challenging others to a verbal exchange. again this is not productive. PERIOD. justify it all you want........ the outcome is the same.Regardless of what you think, IIKT, most posters are really trying to help GR. She says that she's here for ideas, but from her posts, it seems to me that she really wants sympathy and validation, not for her affair , but for what she is doing NOW. Which is more proof of her self-centered outlook. What she should do , she already knows. End the relationship with the BF, recommit to her kids and try to reach an understanding with her EX. Keep going to IC, find out what she lacks in character, that would cause her to cheat. But, for the record, what she is doing now to her BF , even if he consents, and even if she is being completely honest, is still manifestly unfair, selfish, and disrespectful to him. If he lacks the will to break it off, she should, or abandon all hopes of reconciliation with her ex and commit fully to the BF, and STAY FAITHFUL!!.
Windsurf66 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Sorry Distant78, have to disagree with you on that one. I think affairs happen to good people.... and good people happen to fall into affairs. I'm not here to judge or be judged... just some great advice based on ones' own experiences would be helpful. People who justify by saying that good people do bad things too, and a good example, is themselves who are adulterers but are actually very kind-hearted.....these kinda of people are known as hypocrite I would rather consider and perhaps accept people who had done bad things, but acknowledged that they were bad, but trying to turn over a new leaf and asking for a chance
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 you have made progress and co0ntinue on that path GR I have made progress... definately and I am happy to say that honesty is the best policy in this situation. I am being as honest as I can with my SO, but I must admit that my own mental clarity on things is not yet "set in stone". He is totally aware of the fact I remain in a quandry, he is greatful I have been honest. Guess that is why I will remain going to IC... to help me sort through all this. I consider myself lucky enough that he has toughed it out. As for this thread itself.... The "name calling", I have received is no surprise to me at all. It's nothing new. But I came here to post this thread for feedback, and feedback is what I got!! I am not a person of such judgement, and I firmly believe there are two sides/perspectives to every story. I could not possibly expect that a "cheated on" spouse would/could even remotely begin to understand what I have been through. Posting here, I was well aware that not only would I recieve response from former "cheaters" but the cheated on spouse as well. This is good feedback, it allows me to see into the way my exh, must of seen things. Its sad to say but I am willing to subject myself to such judgement, because I didnt have to come here at all. Just as I held my head high when I admitted to the world what I had done, I will continue to do so here. As for any other Threads that I would post a reply on, I intend to do without judgement. I think for the most part, people are here for advice period. It is a place where people can speak their mind, good or bad and coming here you must be prepared for such. Especially on the topic of "Infidelity". Please people keep the advice coming, but would rather not be labeled. I am sure for those who have either been cheated on or claim they would never do such, it is hard not to label us "selfish cheaters". Your only labelling the act itself, not the person as a whole. This is why I'll stay and keep posting
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 People who justify by saying that good people do bad things too, and a good example, is themselves who are adulterers but are actually very kind-hearted.....these kinda of people are known as hypocrite I would rather consider and perhaps accept people who had done bad things, but acknowledged that they were bad, but trying to turn over a new leaf and asking for a chance I have admitted to all who know me, to what a terrible thing I have done. My friends and family. To those who know me well, they may not like what I have done, they may not agree with what I have done, but they have accepted it. My affair is now part of me, and always will be. I will carry it with me forever.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Dun be naive, affairs are always about sex for the guys, he of course baited you with all the talking and "understanding" to get his dick into your pants and your mouth As for you, if it wasn't about sex and you weren't horny at all, then why did u f*ck your OM? Why didn't you stick to the emotional aspects only? I beg to differ Windsurf66 thanks for your input though;)
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Regardless of what you think, IIKT, most posters are really trying to help GR. She says that she's here for ideas, but from her posts, it seems to me that she really wants sympathy and validation, not for her affair , but for what she is doing NOW. Which is more proof of her self-centered outlook Nope.. wrong. Not looking for Sympathy or Validation. Just guidance from those who MAY be here, who possibly have been through the same thing? As for your post "self-centred". I'm only trying to do what is best for myself and my kids. I hardly call that self-centred. I'm looking out for their best interest as well. My children have already been through enough. Thanks though
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Good people sometimes have affairs. Good people miss red flags, step over boundaries, act selfishly, make poor judgments, and generally screw up. Good people are flawed and sometimes act in hurtful ways. But affairs don't happen to people, and people don't fall into affairs. That wording is way too passive, and ignores the decisions and choices that created the affair. If you can not understand how you created the situation--rather than it happening to you--you will likely "fall into" an affair again. In fact, it sort of looks like you already have! Good points xxoo. People DONT fall into affairs. The wording is passive, as it suggests choices were not made, poor choices at that. It took me a long time though to realise how/why I had an affair. The answers are not always there at the beginning, you need time and hindsight. I would just like to say an Affair was not even on my radar screen as an option when I started to feel unhappy in my marriage. Some people are more suceptable to having an affair. They are more vulnerable and/ or prone. It's realising what leaves you vulnerable and omiting that part of you. Speaking with my exh, regarding feelings... I can see how one may label that "an emotional affair".
IfiKnewThen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 i am sorry GR for anything more you have to endure as you go along or ask for guidance. i didnt mean to perpetuate your situation here on thread. forgive me. End the relationship with the BF, recommit to her kids and try to reach an understanding with her EX. Keep going to IC, find out what she lacks in character, that would cause her to cheat. But, for the record, what she is doing now to her BF , even if he consents, and even if she is being completely honest, is still manifestly unfair, selfish, and disrespectful to him. If he lacks the will to break it off, she should, or abandon all hopes of reconciliation with her ex and commit fully to the BF, and STAY FAITHFUL!!. i do this this part is good advise GR for what it is worth. minus all the labels..but i get the gist of what he is trying to say. again God bless and keep moving forward and pray on things.
IfiKnewThen Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 correction on typo: i do think this part is good advise GR for what it is worth. minus all the labels..but i get the gist of what he is trying to say. again God bless and keep moving forward and pray on things.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 And I have given you good advice IMHO so everything you're seeing from me is from my personal experience influenced with extensive research on affairs. I guess you must of only had time to research the "one side"?
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 i am sorry GR for anything more you have to endure as you go along or ask for guidance. i didnt mean to perpetuate your situation here on thread. forgive me. i do this this part is good advise GR for what it is worth. minus all the labels..but i get the gist of what he is trying to say. again God bless and keep moving forward and pray on things. IIKT... I can read the posts and manage to omit the "labels". Its ok, I'll manage to read between the lines. Thanks for your great advice as always ... and oh yes, pray I will
JustJoe Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Nope.. wrong. Not looking for Sympathy or Validation. Just guidance from those who MAY be here, who possibly have been through the same thing? As for your post "self-centred". I'm only trying to do what is best for myself and my kids. I hardly call that self-centred. I'm looking out for their best interest as well. My children have already been through enough. Thanks thoughAS the son of an unfaithful mother, and as a former OM in an affair, I have a lot more experience than probably even you, GR or IIKT, and I calls em as I sees em. You last remark was telling. You are only trying to do what is best for yourself and kids. You put yourself first, kids second and the EX and BF are apparently nowhere? How is this NOT selfish?
Windsurf66 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I have admitted to all who know me, to what a terrible thing I have done. My friends and family. To those who know me well, they may not like what I have done, they may not agree with what I have done, but they have accepted it. My affair is now part of me, and always will be. I will carry it with me forever. Then dun call yourself or imply that you are a good person who accidentally happened to have sex multiple times with another guy. Affairs are executed with careful and deliberate planning and deceit Its an insult to all the genuine good people in this world to say that adulterers are good people
JustJoe Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Please don't misunderstand me GR. I neither know nor want to know about your affair. To paraphrase Willie Nelson, "there's nothing you can do about it now". What I am concerned about is the well-being of your family, BF and you, in that order. You have already gotten what you wanted, apparently. You married , had kids, and had an affair. These were all your choices, you made them by putting yourself first. Now is the time to put others first. Forget about your guilt, forget about your feelings , do the work you need to do, for THEM.
Distant78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 i dont care . make your comments. i am not even surprised. niether is she i am sure.. Thanks. If you didn't care why argue? but yes. there has been some rock throwing is the guise of ...caring about her b/f's feelings.. you said dont label. yet you keep calling her a "cheater" you dont have to validate her feelings. but you dont have to throw stones and call her names..cheater selfish..etc... in the guise and cause of what you think she is doing to her b/f. and theres a few comments about it being about sex. sheesh. affairs yes are poor choices. no doubt. but it is myopic to think it even includes sex all the time...is is about that at all. especially a female. the brain is more on the emotional level/function . so yes i agree with emotional affairs as well. and if youre a religious person it says in the bible..that jesus said he tells you truly that even thinking of another is adultery. so this is very serious. but he also asks us NOT to cast stones. so why is is so hard not to be kind. have a opinion but be kind and not cross the line of being rude. and justifying it. and challenging others to a verbal exchange. again this is not productive. PERIOD. justify it all you want........ the outcome is the same. Again validating a cheater's hurtful actions is not productive. I'm not the one who's trying to justify their poor decisions but you're right: The outcome is the same for all affairs and it's not positive.
Windsurf66 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I beg to differ Windsurf66 thanks for your input though;) Sure, go ahead to prove that your OM (former) loves you and ain't trying to screw you As for you, did you not enjoy yourself when the OM was banging you? Did you not wear sexy clothing and lingerie for your OM to enhance the sexual stimulation? Did you not have orgasm when your OM was shagging you? Did you not like the sex? Swear to God that your answers are all No wait, no, u should swear to the devil instead
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 AS the son of an unfaithful mother, and as a former OM in an affair, I have a lot more experience than probably even you, GR or IIKT, and I calls em as I sees em. You last remark was telling. You are only trying to do what is best for yourself and kids. You put yourself first, kids second and the EX and BF are apparently nowhere? How is this NOT selfish? Your reading wayyyyy tooooo deeeep. You are being way too literal for me tonight...lol Didnt mention the BF or the EX cause I cant speak on their behalf. sorry let me reword... taking care of my Kids, and me... better???
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Sure, go ahead to prove that your OM (former) loves you and ain't trying to screw you As for you, did you not enjoy yourself when the OM was banging you? Did you not wear sexy clothing and lingerie for your OM to enhance the sexual stimulation? Did you not have orgasm when your OM was shagging you? Did you not like the sex? Swear to God that your answers are all No wait, no, u should swear to the devil instead You sound as though you still hurting? Been cheated on lately? Your immature badjering is one that I wish not to entertain. When you have something intelligent to say or ask... feel free to post and I will gladly respond. Thanks
Distant78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 I guess you must of only had time to research the "one side"? Nope I have looked up both sides but only one side is bluntly full of cow dung.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 3, 2011 Author Posted February 3, 2011 Thanks. If you didn't care why argue? Again validating a cheater's hurtful actions is not productive. I'm not the one who's trying to justify their poor decisions but you're right: The outcome is the same for all affairs and it's not positive. Distant78, I see you have been all over LS, posting your comments.... so it's not just me your being rude to...phew, was beginning to take all this personal!! I am sorry you are so bitter by what has happened to you in your past. Maybe you should seek IC? Or perhaps you find this site as some sort of stress relief??? Maybe you could use some of my answers to give you insight to what may of been going through your wifes mind when she cheated? Or not
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