Guilty and Regretful

[Guilt Ridden]

I posted in your other thread, but thought I'd chime in here as well.

 

You can't make a healthy or wise decision until you thoroughly explore what was broken inside of you when you had your A in the first place. You may have had some marital issues (we all do), but how we cope with them reveals our ability to be content.

 

I see in your posts that there is discontentment within yourself (guilt, FOO issues, etc.), and your way of coping is to make life altering changes. When the going gets tough, you cope by considering other options rather than dealing with what's in front of you. I say this as an outsider observation, and in no way to make you feel bad. It's common for those who engage in As to look for the escape hatch, and that doesn't mean intending to leave their spouse, but to enter into a fantasy world.

 

The consensus from those who truly want to help you is that individual counseling is the only way you are going to sort this out, and to be sure you don't just jump from the frying pan into the fire. The same goes for your ex, especially since he has been very open about his current relationship troubles.

 

I want to clarify that I am very much in favor of Reconciliation *under the right circumstances* so please understand that my concerns aren't meant to discourage you from considering it. My fWH and I are happily R, so if it is truly the right thing to do, I will be your loudest cheerleader.

 

Thanks so much for your great advice. I really do appreciate it. I will keep you posted

[IfiKnewThen]

i wish i came here before my whole life came undone.

 

i do think everyone is trying to help with perspective from our disadvantage point. you sound like a smart lady though. and you do have a big heart...i can tell.

 

you just want to preserve your own heart and not throw the baby out with the bath water. i get that. because you are torn...and confused.

 

i tried to do that too. then of course my world as i knew it crumbled. and i was reading the bible one day and it talked about how you cant serve two masters. it says you will love one and hate the other. i thought..hmm what does that mean and how does it apply to me?

 

believe me you cant serve 2 masters. not even 2 masters of thought. in a sense you cant give something youre all when in limbo and then everything suffers. you cant even get answers. so its best to know you. know what makes you happy. go forward with that...or everyone will be unhappy. i know you do have a conscience. and you want to work with that. thats a GOOd thing. but if its already done, and you want to do good now..the best thing you can do is work on knowing yourself better. then when you really know what you want...and not based off of fear, guilt or depression...it will all come to you. and again..pray to god for strength and answers and guidance. thats all i have to offer in advise

[JaneyAmazed]

i wish i came here before my whole life came undone.

 

i do think everyone is trying to help with perspective from our disadvantage point. you sound like a smart lady though. and you do have a big heart...i can tell.

 

you just want to preserve your own heart and not throw the baby out with the bath water. i get that. because you are torn...and confused.

 

i tried to do that too. then of course my world as i knew it crumbled. and i was reading the bible one day and it talked about how you cant serve two masters. it says you will love one and hate the other. i thought..hmm what does that mean and how does it apply to me?

 

believe me you cant serve 2 masters. not even 2 masters of thought. in a sense you cant give something youre all when in limbo and then everything suffers. you cant even get answers. so its best to know you. know what makes you happy. go forward with that...or everyone will be unhappy. i know you do have a conscience. and you want to work with that. thats a GOOd thing. but if its already done, and you want to do good now..the best thing you can do is work on knowing yourself better. then when you really know what you want...and not based off of fear, guilt or depression...it will all come to you. and again..pray to god for strength and answers and guidance. thats all i have to offer in advise

 

 

Love this! Great advice.

[Guilt Ridden]

i wish i came here before my whole life came undone.

 

i do think everyone is trying to help with perspective from our disadvantage point. you sound like a smart lady though. and you do have a big heart...i can tell.

 

you just want to preserve your own heart and not throw the baby out with the bath water. i get that. because you are torn...and confused.

 

i tried to do that too. then of course my world as i knew it crumbled. and i was reading the bible one day and it talked about how you cant serve two masters. it says you will love one and hate the other. i thought..hmm what does that mean and how does it apply to me?

 

believe me you cant serve 2 masters. not even 2 masters of thought. in a sense you cant give something youre all when in limbo and then everything suffers. you cant even get answers. so its best to know you. know what makes you happy. go forward with that...or everyone will be unhappy. i know you do have a conscience. and you want to work with that. thats a GOOd thing. but if its already done, and you want to do good now..the best thing you can do is work on knowing yourself better. then when you really know what you want...and not based off of fear, guilt or depression...it will all come to you. and again..pray to god for strength and answers and guidance. thats all i have to offer in advise

 

You have definately hit the nail on the head when speaking of knowing what is best for me and just going forward with it. I do know what is best for me, I really in my heart of hearts just want to follow it but I am so scared of the mess it is going to leave behind.

 

Guilt, Depression and Fear have all influenced my feelings.... but even before I knew how my exh felt (which was only within the last 2 months) I still felt the same way. I have always loved this man, throughout the entire time.

 

It came a time when I just accepted that he was gone, for good and I had no other choice but to move on. Moving forward with my life was a positive step towards healing myself and my children were benefitting immensely from this.

 

I believed he would not be back. And I thought the best gift I could give him, was to let him go. I loved him that much, I let him go ... live his own life.

 

I see it in his eyes and this is more than a whim that we do truly still care for one another.

 

But my bf is also a wonderful man whom I am afraid I'm gonna have to let go of. Fear is now a driving factor... fear of the future, and the uncertainty it brings to be honest scares the hell out of me. I dont want my kids to suffer any more. I want to be happy, and I want them to be happy.

 

Your absolutely correct about serving two masters... it simply cannot be done. I cannot give completely of myself this way.

 

I feel compelled to follow my heart..... but this is something brand new to me. I have never felt this way before.

 

I need to start acting and less talking!!!

[JaneyAmazed]

You have definately hit the nail on the head when speaking of knowing what is best for me and just going forward with it. I do know what is best for me, I really in my heart of hearts just want to follow it but I am so scared of the mess it is going to leave behind.

 

Guilt, Depression and Fear have all influenced my feelings.... but even before I knew how my exh felt (which was only within the last 2 months) I still felt the same way. I have always loved this man, throughout the entire time.

 

It came a time when I just accepted that he was gone, for good and I had no other choice but to move on. Moving forward with my life was a positive step towards healing myself and my children were benefitting immensely from this.

 

I believed he would not be back. And I thought the best gift I could give him, was to let him go. I loved him that much, I let him go ... live his own life.

 

I see it in his eyes and this is more than a whim that we do truly still care for one another.

 

But my bf is also a wonderful man whom I am afraid I'm gonna have to let go of. Fear is now a driving factor... fear of the future, and the uncertainty it brings to be honest scares the hell out of me. I dont want my kids to suffer any more. I want to be happy, and I want them to be happy.

 

Your absolutely correct about serving two masters... it simply cannot be done. I cannot give completely of myself this way.

 

I feel compelled to follow my heart..... but this is something brand new to me. I have never felt this way before.

 

I need to start acting and less talking!!!

 

I looked up that verse...

 

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money" Matthew 6:24

 

Here's what I think is cool...right after that verse it says...

 

"Therefore I tell you, stop being perpetually uneasy, anxious and worried about your life...

 

Look at the birds of the air; they neither reap nor sow...yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?"

 

For myself, I believe this means if you give this situation to God, he will take care of you. Easier said than done, but it can be done. I needed to read that tonight too. We all need to be reminded of how much we are worth to God.

[IfiKnewThen]

quote: janeyamazed For myself, I believe this means if you give this situation to God, he will take care of you. Easier said than done, but it can be done. I needed to read that tonight too. We all need to be reminded of how much we are worth to God.

 

i definitely agree here with janeyamazed. and when it says you cant serve both God and money..i know it speaks of that...but i also feel it applies to other situations as well. i realized that in my own division in life and love.

 

it's not easy not knowing what you want OR going after what you want and balancing it all. and it limits love in all directions.

 

but i do understand the dilemma and not knowing how it will all unfold. so its good if you trust or believe this way...to pray on things..somehow integrate that...and listen to the answer inside you.

[JustJoe]

I really didn't want to get involved with this thread, but the amount of hypocrisy is too much to take. GR, my words may be harsh, but they are meant to help. You are still being incredibly selfish. You ruined one marriage by your behavior, and are in the process of ruining a good relationship the same way. I get that you are being honest with your BF, but are you really? Have you told him all of the things you have told us? Would you allow him to see your posts on LS ? All you have talked about is your pain, your guilt, your sadness. There are two men and two children in your life and you aren't doing any of them any good , are you? You are NEVER going to experience true happiness until you start putting the feelings and needs of other before your own. You said yourself, that you can take care of yourself, well it's time to show that you can be a loyal, honest, selfless mom and SO. Your ex can't do it for you, and neither can your BF. Pick one or these men, stick to him and leave the other one be. Woman-up and accept your responsibility. Turn your guilt into honest remorse and PROVE that you can be the woman you seem to want to be.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Turn your guilt into honest remorse

 

And there's such a BIG difference between the two...My ex-SO always talked about how guilty she was for the things she did, yet she was never truly remorseful enough to take action.

 

So, I agree with Joe....You have guilt, but so what. You continue to act selfishly. I don't think either man deserves what he's going to get with you right now, so while it may sound harsh, you should let them both go. They will both be better off for it until you get your head straight and truly understand that you are repeating the same pattern over again.

[2.50 a gallon]

This is a most difficult question. I was once in your husbands shoes, there were no children, I kicked her out, and simply walked away forever.

 

She tried for the next 4 years to get us to reconcile. And yes I truly believed that she was remorseful and did want to get back together. Every meeting the hurt was most painful as I still loved her deeply. Out of all of the women in the world, I had chosen her to be the mother of my children. And I deeply wanted children. Quite simply all I had to do was open my arms and give her a kiss and we would have been down the road to recovery.

 

Yes I was able to forgive her, and yes I too had a part to play in our breakup.

 

But I was never able to forget. The images of the two of them haunted me for years. There was no escaping them. After about 4 years she finally gave up divorced me and remarried

 

And you say that your XH is not totally happy with his current SO. I too had that problem, the truth is I no longer trusted women and love.

 

Have you had a real heart to heart talk with your XH? With the question of forgiveness and more importantly forgetting. And the scary part of this is he might be able to say that he can forget, but physically can he? He might never be able to perform with you again.

[JaneyAmazed]

I really didn't want to get involved with this thread, but the amount of hypocrisy is too much to take. GR, my words may be harsh, but they are meant to help. You are still being incredibly selfish. You ruined one marriage by your behavior, and are in the process of ruining a good relationship the same way. I get that you are being honest with your BF, but are you really? Have you told him all of the things you have told us? Would you allow him to see your posts on LS ? All you have talked about is your pain, your guilt, your sadness. There are two men and two children in your life and you aren't doing any of them any good , are you? You are NEVER going to experience true happiness until you start putting the feelings and needs of other before your own. You said yourself, that you can take care of yourself, well it's time to show that you can be a loyal, honest, selfless mom and SO. Your ex can't do it for you, and neither can your BF. Pick one or these men, stick to him and leave the other one be. Woman-up and accept your responsibility. Turn your guilt into honest remorse and PROVE that you can be the woman you seem to want to be.

 

 

That is the truth! Your whole post is good, but you hit the nail on the head with that statement. That's what real love is all about.

[Fight4Me]

I've been thinking about this more and more, and have even been trying to determine what is really nagging at me. Then I realized it was something I touched on before, but didn't focus on it necessarily, but 2.5 Gallon brought it to the forefront.

 

It is really difficult to determine where your ex-h's head is at... truly. I know what you have written here, but I think my greatest concern about all this is that there has been no indication that he, himself, has healed. All this talk of wanting you back could be rooted in his own SO problems and seeing the grass greener on the other side. I'm sure you have reservations because it's entirely possible that if you make the leap, a few months or just a year into it, he'll realize this wasn't the cure he was looking for, and out you go again.

 

I've already harped on you about IC:o, but I think HE is the one I'm most concerned with at this point. He may have done some processing in his own mind, but that could be more to do with seeing you moving on in a healthy relationship and him feeling left behind. Maybe he never dealt with the loss of the marriage properly. Maybe he really IS ready to reconcile in a healthy way, but again, neither of you can know that for sure without getting down to the nitty gritty in counseling.

 

I wouldn't make a move until he has sorted himself out first, too.

 

Just an aside, it would be very interesting to hear his perspective here on LS.

[2sunny]

first, to get the mind clear and free of anything cluttering up your thoughts is key.

 

be on your own again. it helps for clarity to NOT be distracted by men when going through this process. you have done some of this in the past but you obviously haven't yet gotten rid of the clutter to obtain mental clarity. a counselor can help - especially one that doesn't sugar coat things - one that will challenge you to grow.

 

do the work necessary to find out why you needed such an ego feed that you would hurt and harm the men in your life while you stay and ay you love them. this is a contradiction. find a way to be honest enough to express your TRUTH and have your ACTIONS always match the way you feel - also learn how to have your WORDS match how you feel... that is part of YOUR TRUTH.

 

start learning how to be honest with yourself. you can't possibly be honest with others when you aren't sure where your truth lies. this is a process... of finding out what works for you = then living it. what works for you may not work for someone else... that is why it is key to be on your own and NOT distracted by what someone else may or may not want... only yours.

 

then and only then, will you find what works for you. this keeps you from taking selfish motives and harm to others into the next relationship.

 

go find out what your truth is - by discovering what hasn't worked for you - and discarding that operating method - in order to find out what the best version of you looks like... you must let go of old behavior and actions in order to use the new operating method to find what happy looks like - for you = this is called change.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi. this is your thread. i am sure he has his perspective. gosh all of our ex's have their perspective and i really mean that truly.

 

but this thread is about you and what you are feeling and going through. and you need help and advise or just an ear.

 

it's true. your decisions are not solo fights. they require the co-operation of others, involved...to a degree. i think most people (not all) are basically saying here.... find out what YOU want based on what you learned about yourself and the situation. should you get that guidance in counseling ....fine. we are all a little selfish by the way.

 

you already should remorseful about what happened in your marriage with regard to the affair.

 

 

now your husband is having 2nd thoughts about leaving you so soon, with his pain and understandable knee jerk reaction. when we all step away from situations (God willing) we learn. we have time ti mull it all over. God willing we ask ourselves what was our part and roll in the demise of it all. what could we have done better.

 

that's what it is all about. we make grave mistakes. so larger than others but we learn. we not only learn that we should have taken another course...but why we took the course we chose in the first place.

 

"IF" your husband can forgive you and move past this..who are we to not? or you? but its very true...you dont know your husbands true mindset. so individual counseling and joint counseling might be in order here. but find a good counselor..even if you guys have to go to 10. you have to BOTH respect who you are talking to. its good to get help from clergy too. elders in your religion perhaps...talk to respected friends. its WORK and TIME and reliving pain and UNDERSTANDING. and FORGIVENESS for all concerned. there was something that YOU FELT helped make it easier to have the affair in the first place. i am NOT blaming him. but...what...made you move away from him? what can be mended now? so many things to consider here.

 

as for the other people in your life....they deserve a chance WITH you too. not just WITHOUT you. especially if they love you.

 

 

also, i dont think you cant experience true happiness by putting everyone's feelings before your own. yes i believe..love is kind and patient and doesnt seek its own thing...etc. BUT happiness is NOT just putting everyone before you. it fact that can bring a lot of sorrow and some of us are ingrates to what others give to us. ...our children can be...our friends and lovers can be. happiness is about INCLUDING others......not merely putting them first. its about knowing how to provide love because you have a healthy balanced love for yourself. even in the bible it says love your neighbor as you love yourself! that does NOT mean selfish. it means to INCLUDE. it doesn't not mean forgetting YOU. any good thing in life is a balancing act. not imbalance. it's about caring for one another. each doing the same. to love one another.

[IfiKnewThen]

sorry for another stupid typo..yikes: you already should remorseful about what happened in your marriage with regard to the affair.

 

i meant to say you already showed you ARE remorseful. and the bottom line is...self sacrificing people may be special....but that's NOT the answer. as i said...its not about imbalance. it's not about being a martyr. you will end up resenting giving all that giving all the time. it doesn't make for happiness in these situations.

 

so as the person said above...find your truth. consider others...absolutely. work with others ...yes. and i agree with 2 sunny..get your mind free and clear, cluttering up your thoughts. you can only move forward at this point. you cant look back unless it is to learn and become a better person from. but you cant change what occurred.

[moloko]

Married for 8 years. Been together since we were 15. During the 8th year of marriage I strayed.

 

My husband divorced me immediately. No discussion.

 

We have two young children 9 & 7 year old boys, whom we share custody.

 

How on earth can I move on in life when I carry such immense guilt over what happened???

 

no need to feel guilt any longer. your husband found out and made a decision about his life.

 

you should feel guilty if he didn't find out and was still married to you.

 

He bettered his situation, so nothing to feel guilty about anymore.

[moloko]

That's why one should NEVER cheat. You ripped your family apart and took away your children's chance to have a normal non-broken family. They'll never know what it's like to have an intact family and they might carry that for the rest of their life and into their own future marriage(s).

 

tell me about it. that is the only thing that depresses me by leaving my wife, and she is the one that cheated.

 

my kids go to school every day with kids who go home to an intact family, while mine go home to a mother with no scruples, and a guy who, supposedly, doesn't do drugs and drink any longer.

[Guilt Ridden]

no need to feel guilt any longer. your husband found out and made a decision about his life.

 

you should feel guilty if he didn't find out and was still married to you.

 

He bettered his situation, so nothing to feel guilty about anymore.

 

 

I have yet to figure out what purpose this guilt has served me. It's as though I am self punishing.. to make amends to myself, seeing as the opportunity to make it up to my exh did not exist.

 

I know hanging on to guilt is a horrible thing... I intend to drop it.....

someday but when? I really dont know.

[IfiKnewThen]

its hard to get rid of guilt and remorse. i know.

 

any suggestions welcome.

[Guilt Ridden]

This is a most difficult question. I was once in your husbands shoes, there were no children, I kicked her out, and simply walked away forever.

 

She tried for the next 4 years to get us to reconcile. And yes I truly believed that she was remorseful and did want to get back together. Every meeting the hurt was most painful as I still loved her deeply. Out of all of the women in the world, I had chosen her to be the mother of my children. And I deeply wanted children. Quite simply all I had to do was open my arms and give her a kiss and we would have been down the road to recovery.

 

Yes I was able to forgive her, and yes I too had a part to play in our breakup.

 

But I was never able to forget. The images of the two of them haunted me for years. There was no escaping them. After about 4 years she finally gave up divorced me and remarried

 

And you say that your XH is not totally happy with his current SO. I too had that problem, the truth is I no longer trusted women and love.

 

Have you had a real heart to heart talk with your XH? With the question of forgiveness and more importantly forgetting. And the scary part of this is he might be able to say that he can forget, but physically can he? He might never be able to perform with you again.

 

Thanks 2.50 a gallon, I really do appreciate your perspective on things. I know forgetting is hard... and to be quite honest, I have my own memories of things I cant forget. Like the look in my exh eyes, the day he found out. I will never forget that image.... never.

 

As for the heart 2 heart w exh..... we really havent got there yet. I feel uneasy about it, as we are both in other relationships and it does not feel right. Feels as though we are "going behind ones backs" to have this heart 2 heart.. but I am certain it needs to be done, regardless. We have had brief discussions and the occasional letter written between us. I need clarity from him, and I am coming out of the fog myself with my own clarity... through Inividual Counselling. Which I have been receiving throughout the last 4 years.

 

Exh only JUST started going... after some encouragement from myself as well as his SO. He needs to declutter and sort.

 

I just wish the clarity of things would happen at a much quicker pace...the whys, hows, etc...

 

I hate regret!!!!

[Guilt Ridden]

tell me about it. that is the only thing that depresses me by leaving my wife, and she is the one that cheated.

 

my kids go to school every day with kids who go home to an intact family, while mine go home to a mother with no scruples, and a guy who, supposedly, doesn't do drugs and drink any longer.

 

What I find most sad... is that my kids are "normal"... coming from two homes. They are the majority.... not minority anymore.... go figure?..

[IfiKnewThen]

i do relate Guilt ridden, about making decisions. you want so bad to come out with the best happy result with no regrets. thats how i always feel.

 

it happened to me in life that when i dragged my heels..the decision was made FOR me and i had no choice, after that. its also kinda possible to love 2 people when you get into a situation. but again, as i mentioned b/4, this is not your decision alone i ironically. you dont even know where you stand with your husband. you could just want to fix things...so not to feel bad or guilty and you may want him now that you dont have him..in a sense. you are between a rock and a hard place. the only way out is to start to communicate with your husband. i think the answers will surface after some long chats you 2 need to have.

[JustJoe]

I have yet to figure out what purpose this guilt has served me. It's as though I am self punishing.. to make amends to myself, seeing as the opportunity to make it up to my exh did not exist.

 

I know hanging on to guilt is a horrible thing... I intend to drop it.....

someday but when? I really dont know.

Read this post again, GR. You see...you are still thinking in terms of yourself. In order for you to progress, you need to start thinking in terms of what can YOU do to rectify the damage YOU have caused to all concerned. YOU made the bad decisions, nobody else. Get counseling asap. Learn to turn your thoughts from your disappointment in yourself, to how can YOU help others.

[Jonno_S]

That's why one should NEVER cheat. You ripped your family apart and took away your children's chance to have a normal non-broken family. They'll never know what it's like to have an intact family and they might carry that for the rest of their life and into their own future marriage(s).

 

Why do people cheat? I see it as such a waste. A few minutes of selfish pleasure for the countless hours of heartbreak.

[Guilt Ridden]

Read this post again, GR. You see...you are still thinking in terms of yourself. In order for you to progress, you need to start thinking in terms of what can YOU do to rectify the damage YOU have caused to all concerned. YOU made the bad decisions, nobody else. Get counseling asap. Learn to turn your thoughts from your disappointment in yourself, to how can YOU help others.

 

You are right JustJoe... I am here for myself!! I am thinking of myself right now... the self sacraficing self that got me into this mess in the first place. Always putting my own true feelings aside for the sake of others.

 

This is why I am here JJ... to ask help and advice from those who may of gone through this same thing... so I can take the necessary steps in order to rectify some of the damage I have caused.

 

I'm not so concerned with the outcome... it worries me, but just knowing that I am starting a process helping myself, will hopefully reflect those all around me.

 

The course of Individual Counselling has already been long initiated... and it does not ALWAYS help. The counsellor is a good person, whom I respect and have trust and faith in.

 

Its failing ... I'm afraid of failing and doing the wrong thing...

that's all.

[Guilt Ridden]

Why do people cheat? I see it as such a waste. A few minutes of selfish pleasure for the countless hours of heartbreak.

 

 

Yes JonnoS ... it is a waste. No good EVER comes of it.

 

You simply cannot understand it, unless you go through it. I was the least likely person whom anyone... including myself would of ever thought this would of happened to.

 

Not trying to put icing on it, but cheating and affairs is only a Symptom of something MUCH ... MUCH larger:(