Guilt Ridden Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Married for 8 years. Been together since we were 15. During the 8th year of marriage I strayed. My husband divorced me immediately. No discussion. We have two young children 9 & 7 year old boys, whom we share custody. How on earth can I move on in life when I carry such immense guilt over what happened??? I am in a new relationship and so is my ex husband. We both are having issues in our current relationships due to our own past. My guilt and regret, hold me back from moving forward. How do I deal with this? Any advice would be appreciated
Yamaha Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 /psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2007/11/27/5-tips-for-dealing-with-guilt/ This site might help you..
Spark1111 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Read, read about infidelity. Get to counseling. Start doing the hard work involved. You have to get to a point of forgiveness, not excuses, to ever be of any use in helping your fBS or current partners in understanding why it happened, how you fixed yourself, and why it will never happen again. If you just get stuck in self-loathing, you have not gone anywhere too far. Take action! Learn about it! Learn about yourself!
seren Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I don't know if the same applies to new relationships after an A, but certainly one of the things my H did (he was a WS) is to learn why he coped with the problems he was having and we were having by having an A instead of talking about it. Have you explored this? I also wonder if your XH and you have managed to sit down and really talk about things, not from a reconcilation point of view, but an understanding of the why. Guilt is an emotion that you cannot cary around forever, it will eat you up. Remorse is an acceptance that what happened was wrong (if you feel that), accepting you cannot change what happened, but you can learn from it and go on to make sure it doesn't happen again. I hope you find peace x
Goldenspoon Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 My guilt and regret, hold me back from moving forward. How do I deal with this? Any advice would be appreciated That's why one should NEVER cheat. You ripped your family apart and took away your children's chance to have a normal non-broken family. They'll never know what it's like to have an intact family and they might carry that for the rest of their life and into their own future marriage(s). 1
Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 That's why one should NEVER cheat. You ripped your family apart and took away your children's chance to have a normal non-broken family. They'll never know what it's like to have an intact family and they might carry that for the rest of their life and into their own future marriage(s). Tell me about it! This is why it is so hard to get over. Your right, I allowed something so selfish to rip my very own family apart. I want to make amends. To my children and to my ex husband...whom also carries his own regrets. He has admitted to me that he was wrong in divorcing me right away... instead of looking at his own contributions to our marital problems. (Those were his words by the way). He wishes we had done things differently. I of course wish I could of done things differently. But knowing this now, we wonder if there is a chance for us to refocus and try to put our family back together. I am scared and just want what is best and right for my children, my exh and myself. Anyone out there reading this thread, please reconsider an Affair. Avoid the temptation....please. Take it from a mom who has to look at herself in the mirror everyday and look at the faces of her children and exh .....everyday. I think about it everyday...... It has been 4 years... and the guilt is no better.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 I don't know if the same applies to new relationships after an A, but certainly one of the things my H did (he was a WS) is to learn why he coped with the problems he was having and we were having by having an A instead of talking about it. Have you explored this? I also wonder if your XH and you have managed to sit down and really talk about things, not from a reconcilation point of view, but an understanding of the why. Guilt is an emotion that you cannot cary around forever, it will eat you up. Remorse is an acceptance that what happened was wrong (if you feel that), accepting you cannot change what happened, but you can learn from it and go on to make sure it doesn't happen again. I hope you find peace x We have only just started speaking ... I mean really talking to one another. It has been 4 years. But we are both in other realationships that are failing miserably because of our disjointed and unresolved past. Even speaking to my exh about this stuff leaves me feeling guilty... like I'm cheating on my new so.... allover again. Because there are so many emotions tied up with my exh. Just frustrated, scared and confused?? Thanks for your advice
Goldenspoon Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Anyone out there reading this thread, please reconsider an Affair. Avoid the temptation....please. Take it from a mom who has to look at herself in the mirror everyday and look at the faces of her children and exh .....everyday. I think about it everyday...... It has been 4 years... and the guilt is no better. How is your boyfriend fit into all this? How is the relationship? Do you love him? If not, why are the two of you living together already?
Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 How is your boyfriend fit into all this? How is the relationship? Do you love him? If not, why are the two of you living together already? My current bf, is not in the dark on this one. He is well aware of all the issues I am facing. I did not make the same mistake again.... I am totally open and honest with him about my feelings. My feelings of remorse, regret, guilt over what happened. He said he wanted to still be a part of mylife, and help as much he could. He is willing to try, but prepared to fail. He is a good and patient man, if he choses to leave, he may. That is up to him. I would not hold him back. We live together because at the beginning things were fine... great! we both were doing well financially, and wanted to have better things together. Now the dust is settling, and time is changing everything. The more time goes on, the more screwed up things become....!!!!
IfiKnewThen Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 just guessing here... but here is what i feel.... you are feeling So guilty that you cant enjoy your new relationship or see the value in it. you may feel you dont deserve it. and being that things were unresolved with your husband..you think you can go back with your husband and make things as right as they can be (under the circumstances). heres the trouble. if you go back with your husband, you will likely remember why you cheated on him to begin with. i am not saying it was his or your fault. but you apparently didn't feel safe with your husband anymore. the new guy sounds good and nice...but could you possibly resent him because you feel he was part of the cause of your break up with your ex? be very careful in what you do. go to counseling perhaps for yourself to sort thru things. because you may find that you don't want your husband and if you lose the man with your wife (who you sound like you feel safe and comfortable with) you may be very sorry. i have been in a place where guilt and familiarity brought me back to something that happened to me once..and i lost love in the process. and was more miserable than ever. so all i am saying is be careful. i had a bad experience with a counselor ..but yours doesnt have to be that way. go get help to sort out where to go next. thats the only way to find out what you REALLY want. your husband ended up making the decision for you when he learned of the affair. your emotions were still in limbo. now you feel you want your husband. what you want is peace of mind to go on with your life and you don't have it. pray to God if it helps. ask for his pardon (which matters most if you believe in that) and then get together with your husband, and talk to him about how sad you are that you pained him and yourself and family and such. but a note for yourself... you had troubles. you were attracted and acted when vulnerable. i am not making things right here. that's not what i am saying. it would help if your husband can truly forgive you. but everyone is different. at least please tell yourself this much: you paid for your mistake. he left you. it came out in the open. who are you to punish yourself more? (tell yourself this) this doesnt have to be a life sentence. you may be able to love your husband better from a far. be a friend. maybe someday he will chose to go back with you.maybe you should or shouldnt be with him. maybe the 2 of you CAN be genuinely happy with others now. if you believe in a higher power to to that for help and ask for the wisdom. but please dont treat anyone bad because of the guilt. meaning the man you live with at this point...or your husband. generally i believe in all scenarios, love is the answer. be loving and you will always feel good about yourself.
IfiKnewThen Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 typo: because you may find that you don't want your husband and if you lose the man with your wife correction: because you may find that you don't want your husband and if you lose the man that you're WITH, you may be very sorry in the end. you might have been more compatible and the divorce is a done deal now.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 just guessing here... but here is what i feel.... you are feeling So guilty that you cant enjoy your new relationship or see the value in it. you may feel you dont deserve it. and being that things were unresolved with your husband..you think you can go back with your husband and make things as right as they can be (under the circumstances). heres the trouble. if you go back with your husband, you will likely remember why you cheated on him to begin with. i am not saying it was his or your fault. but you apparently didn't feel safe with your husband anymore. the new guy sounds good and nice...but could you possibly resent him because you feel he was part of the cause of your break up with your ex? be very careful in what you do. go to counseling perhaps for yourself to sort thru things. because you may find that you don't want your husband and if you lose the man with your wife (who you sound like you feel safe and comfortable with) you may be very sorry. i have been in a place where guilt and familiarity brought me back to something that happened to me once..and i lost love in the process. and was more miserable than ever. so all i am saying is be careful. i had a bad experience with a counselor ..but yours doesnt have to be that way. go get help to sort out where to go next. thats the only way to find out what you REALLY want. your husband ended up making the decision for you when he learned of the affair. your emotions were still in limbo. now you feel you want your husband. what you want is peace of mind to go on with your life and you don't have it. pray to God if it helps. ask for his pardon (which matters most if you believe in that) and then get together with your husband, and talk to him about how sad you are that you pained him and yourself and family and such. but a note for yourself... you had troubles. you were attracted and acted when vulnerable. i am not making things right here. that's not what i am saying. it would help if your husband can truly forgive you. but everyone is different. at least please tell yourself this much: you paid for your mistake. he left you. it came out in the open. who are you to punish yourself more? (tell yourself this) this doesnt have to be a life sentence. you may be able to love your husband better from a far. be a friend. maybe someday he will chose to go back with you.maybe you should or shouldnt be with him. maybe the 2 of you CAN be genuinely happy with others now. if you believe in a higher power to to that for help and ask for the wisdom. but please dont treat anyone bad because of the guilt. meaning the man you live with at this point...or your husband. generally i believe in all scenarios, love is the answer. be loving and you will always feel good about yourself. The man I am now with was not my former A partner. That man is long gone and glad of it. You are right about self punishment... the guilt that I have hung onto for 4 years now, is holding me back from being able to fully love again. As with my exh. he has confessed to me that he bears guilt as to divorcing me right away, he feels he threw in the towel on our marriage far to quickly and regrets it. Hence my despair. I still have feelings for my exh. I love him. I am 36 ad we were together since I was 15... I have spent more than half my life with him. When I hear him say he has regrets too... it only leaves me feeling worse, because I too have many many regrets. We have admitted to each other that we still care, and are currently receiving IC. We infrequently touch base with one another to see how each other is doing. The new man in my life is a godsend. He knows my pain... he knows my exs pain and he understands its as though he wants to wait things through. I want to let him go, because I am not fully giving myself to him and I feel he deserves better. Regardless of my situation with my exh. Your right about god. Praying to god has helped me. Never really believed until this. Thanks for your advice... you really know how to read into a situation.
IfiKnewThen Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 just curious...now that i realize the a man is gone and there is a new man. the affair man probably made you shocked that you were even with him. let him break down your resolve as you knew it. just guessing he was probably a selfish jerk in the end and better off gone and probably hurt you deeply too. the new man sounds like a Godsend. might be really a match for you. but you cant ever appreciate that fact till you feel your unresolved business with your exh gets resolved. this is such a sad story because so much get lost on the acts with that first guy. i think its awesome how the new guy is willing to allow you to see where your feelings lie. this happned to me in a sense where the new person was willing to see how i felt about the old person...unresolved business. this guy is a gem. please while you figure it all out. give him the love he deserves. that doesnt neccessarily mean let him go either. just be honest and GIVE back to him with tender kindness. i didnt do that because of a number of reasons. i was sick/disabled...cranky..lost...guility... till finally my poor attitude and not taking care of his needs...lost me this person. and i live in pain as i type this. so all i can advise is ........be loving in all situations. love IS the answer.
michelangelo Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 If you still love your ex, why is this new guy so willing to stick around with you? This is not a slam. But is there a reason you have to have a guy around all the time? Maybe you should try some time just with yourself to learn how to be happy. And only then, after you've worked out your guilt and remorse, start looking for love again.
Goldenspoon Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 The new man in my life is a godsend. He knows my pain... he knows my exs pain and he understands its as though he wants to wait things through. You will be very messed up in the head, even more so than now, if you're in touch in anyway with your current boyfriend during the time you're trying to get back with your exhusband or are back with your exhusband. You would have to completely let go with no contact whatsoever EVER with this "godsend" boyfriend. If you decided to stay with your boyfriend, it's VERY disrespectful and hurtful to continue having these intimate discussions and encounters with your exhusband. It needs to be business like and only be about the children. You just have to choose and not have it both ways. You're cake eating now, almost just like when you were at the time when you were cheating. Stop it immediately!
Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 If you still love your ex, why is this new guy so willing to stick around with you? This is not a slam. But is there a reason you have to have a guy around all the time? Maybe you should try some time just with yourself to learn how to be happy. And only then, after you've worked out your guilt and remorse, start looking for love again. After my divorce, I did spend time on my own. 2 years to be exact. I figured at that time, I was over the guilt and remorse and love came to me... I wasnt looking really. I absolutely dont have to have a guy around all the time. In fact, I am and or was quite fine on my own. I'm a big girl and can handle being alone. I know that regardless of the fork I take in the road, it will include alone time. No problem. Actually looking forward to it. The new guy in my life chooses to "stick around" with me. He has made an informed choice, on his own free will. Maybe I have painted an image of myself as being this horrible terrible person, but I'm not. I have lots to offer and I guess he likes that and figures its worth the wait. I'm not dragging him along... he knows the door is there and can leave at any time...this I have made clear to him. I have no intention on having my cake and eating it too.... I only want to resolve the issue and be honest ....with all those involved.... when I figure it all out????? Its taking some time... this is not an easy one.. as I only hope you can appreciate my situation.
michelangelo Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I don't think you re terrible, but as a man? If my lady was pining over the ex all the time I would not want her. Is he there strictly to get laid or what? I'm not trying to be mean, just candid.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 You will be very messed up in the head, even more so than now, if you're in touch in anyway with your current boyfriend during the time you're trying to get back with your exhusband or are back with your exhusband. You would have to completely let go with no contact whatsoever EVER with this "godsend" boyfriend. If you decided to stay with your boyfriend, it's VERY disrespectful and hurtful to continue having these intimate discussions and encounters with your exhusband. It needs to be business like and only be about the children. You just have to choose and not have it both ways. You're cake eating now, almost just like when you were at the time when you were cheating. Stop it immediately! I hate to hear it that way..."cake eating"... because It is exactly what I am doing isnt it? I guess I dont see it EXACTLY that way because I really and truly am being honest with my current bf. I really am not leading him on in any way... he has made the informed choice of hanging in there while I sort myself out. I have expressed to him my mix up of emotions and the turmoil that is going on inside. He says he would like to wait, while I sort myself out. He has also assured me regardless of the outcome, there will be no anger. Your right. I do have to stop this immediately, I just feel like another failure
Distant78 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I hate to hear it that way..."cake eating"... because It is exactly what I am doing isnt it? I guess I dont see it EXACTLY that way because I really and truly am being honest with my current bf. I really am not leading him on in any way... he has made the informed choice of hanging in there while I sort myself out. I have expressed to him my mix up of emotions and the turmoil that is going on inside. He says he would like to wait, while I sort myself out. He has also assured me regardless of the outcome, there will be no anger. Your right. I do have to stop this immediately, I just feel like another failure So in other words, he's letting you cheat with your ex-husband. I think you know this is an emotional affair. I'm not trying to knock you or be mean but this is what's really happening. What I don't understand is why not just spare him the future pain because it's obvious he's in a little denial about what you're actually doing, and you know yourself what you're doing is swimming in dangerous waters. You gotta stop because no good will come out of this.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 I don't think you re terrible, but as a man? If my lady was pining over the ex all the time I would not want her. Is he there strictly to get laid or what? I'm not trying to be mean, just candid. First of all... I am not pining over my ex. At all. Its more about the entirety of the situation. Well if he is there to get laid, and nothing but..... he's a happy man then ... isnt he???...lol
Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 So in other words, he's letting you cheat with your ex-husband. I think you know this is an emotional affair. I'm not trying to knock you or be mean but this is what's really happening. What I don't understand is why not just spare him the future pain because it's obvious he's in a little denial about what you're actually doing, and you know yourself what you're doing is swimming in dangerous waters. You gotta stop because no good will come out of this. Lets not forget... he can spare himself the pain if he choses. Sorting out your feelings for someone is not cheating. Sometimes its not always clear about how you feel. I am glad that some people out their can sort themselves out quickly ... therefore sparing broken hearts... for others its a lot to think through and things are not so crystal clear. I do not feel bad for my feelings... they are what they are... right or wrong. I have not been lying to my bf about these confusing feelings they have only come to surface as of recent. And I am not sure of them. I do understand what it is that your saying... the sooner I sort myself out the better. I get it ... thanks I'm trying to hurry up and sort my head out... believe me. The sooner the better for my own sanity as well....
Distant78 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Lets not forget... he can spare himself the pain if he choses. Well if you feel that parsimonious about him, why not drop him yourself? Sorting out your feelings for someone is not cheating. Sometimes its not always clear about how you feel. I am glad that some people out their can sort themselves out quickly ... therefore sparing broken hearts... for others its a lot to think through and things are not so crystal clear. You've been having intimate conversations with him about how both of you plan to get together, and you're using the energy of your current relationship and forwarding it to something deceptive. This is classified as an emotional affair and you know this. I do not feel bad for my feelings... they are what they are... right or wrong. I have not been lying to my bf about these confusing feelings they have only come to surface as of recent. And I am not sure of them. So you admit that you're unremorseful for hurting your current boyfriend and destroying the relationship? I do understand what it is that your saying... the sooner I sort myself out the better. I get it ... thanks I'm trying to hurry up and sort my head out... believe me. The sooner the better for my own sanity as well.... Maybe you should try sorting yourself out by being a lone for a while before going back into another relationship. Again not out to cut your throat but you gotta stop with what you're doing. It's not good and I seriously doubt your boyfriend will be around forever to keep taking the disrespect you're dishing out to him.
Fight4Me Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I posted in your other thread, but thought I'd chime in here as well. You can't make a healthy or wise decision until you thoroughly explore what was broken inside of you when you had your A in the first place. You may have had some marital issues (we all do), but how we cope with them reveals our ability to be content. I see in your posts that there is discontentment within yourself (guilt, FOO issues, etc.), and your way of coping is to make life altering changes. When the going gets tough, you cope by considering other options rather than dealing with what's in front of you. I say this as an outsider observation, and in no way to make you feel bad. It's common for those who engage in As to look for the escape hatch, and that doesn't mean intending to leave their spouse, but to enter into a fantasy world. The consensus from those who truly want to help you is that individual counseling is the only way you are going to sort this out, and to be sure you don't just jump from the frying pan into the fire. The same goes for your ex, especially since he has been very open about his current relationship troubles. I want to clarify that I am very much in favor of Reconciliation *under the right circumstances* so please understand that my concerns aren't meant to discourage you from considering it. My fWH and I are happily R, so if it is truly the right thing to do, I will be your loudest cheerleader.
michelangelo Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 First of all... I am not pining over my ex. At all. Its more about the entirety of the situation. Well if he is there to get laid, and nothing but..... he's a happy man then ... isnt he???...lol So this is more of a FWB situation?
Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Well if you feel that parsimonious about him, why not drop him yourself? You've been having intimate conversations with him about how both of you plan to get together, and you're using the energy of your current relationship and forwarding it to something deceptive. This is classified as an emotional affair and you know this. So you admit that you're unremorseful for hurting your current boyfriend and destroying the relationship? Maybe you should try sorting yourself out by being a lone for a while before going back into another relationship. Again not out to cut your throat but you gotta stop with what you're doing. It's not good and I seriously doubt your boyfriend will be around forever to keep taking the disrespect you're dishing out to him. Fair enough Distant78. I gotta admit, you sure do have some good points, which is exactly why I came here in the first place. Thanks... as much as I hate the harshness of it all..... it's helping.
Recommended Posts