NeptunedIN Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Although I’m generally not a shy person, I freeze up around people I like. I know this is normal for many and it’s usually worked out for me since I’m the girl and have mostly been the one pursued, not pursing. I’ve met someone who may be the same. I took a long break from dating after my last relationship to heal and am finding myself a little rusty/really shy around this new guy. I’m forcing myself to step out of my comfort zone and have been more proactive about pursuing him, we’re both adults right. Although he’s the one who made the first move/asked me out, I’m sensing (and know through a mutual friend) that he may need some positive reinforcement encouragement in terms of moving forward. So, I’ve been making more of an effort to text him, ask him to hang out, etc, let him know that I’m interested. He's seems very receptive to all of my initiatives so far. This is not my usual role. I have always been the pursued. So this weekend, I asked him out, he was busy (he works ridiculous hours) with friend’s bday, was too tired. Sounds legit, except last week , similar scenario, I was invited along. This sounds like a blow-off to me and I’m definitely backing off, especially since I don’t feel comfortable being the pursuer…it’s just not me. Maybe there was someone else at this party he"s interested in? Who knows, it could be a number of things, just wondering how much of it has to do with me being the pursuer? What’s the opinion of the situation and on the girl being the pursuer?
Mad Max Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Women pursuing guys isn't a turn off. You think guys would be turned off if a Megan Fox look-alike pursued them? Doubt it.
EasyHeart Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I run away when I'm pursued; I'm a hunter, not prey. Most men probably don't like being pursued. But that's completely irrelevant to your situation. What matters is what this one particular man wants. If he's not pursuing you, then go ahead and take a shot. If he's not interested, you'll find out quick enough; if he's interested, you'll find that out, too. What do you have to lose?
simpsonic Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I don't think guys really get "put off" by being pursued...some are more than happy to be approached by a woman, especially if the guy is shy and doesn't have to courage to approach her himself. Though I believe in general that guys rather be doing the pursuing because they enjoy the "thrill" of the chase. From my experiences, whenever I did the pursuing, it would work for a while, then just suddenly fizzle out. I pursued the last guy I dated and he did the same thing the guy in your situation is doing. So I can understand how frustrating it can be.
Mad Max Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Though I believe in general that guys rather be doing the pursuing because they enjoy the "thrill" of the chase. You couldn't be more wrong.
Yamaha Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 If I was interested in her it would not put me off if she did some pursuing. Everybody wants to feel wanted....
somedude81 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Although he’s the one who made the first move/asked me out, I’m sensing (and know through a mutual friend) that he may need some positive reinforcement encouragement in terms of moving forward. So, I’ve been making more of an effort to text him, ask him to hang out, etc, let him know that I’m interested. He's seems very receptive to all of my initiatives so far. What you did was awesome. Men love encouragement. If it's always the guy making the moves, it makes him think the girl is not interested. Keep doing what you are doing.
Author NeptunedIN Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Loving the responses, thanks everyone! I agree, it does feel good to be pursued, that’s why I’m trying to “give back” that feeling for a change. Although shy, I’ve had the luxury of being the one sought after in the past , so hell, at 30 I think time I just try the other shoe one for once just to see, and kudos to you guys out there doing all that work in the past, I have a new appreciation for you guys. @musemaj: not making any conclusions, just putting it out there, this is a completely new role for me, I have no idea what to except, that’s why I posted on this website.
simpsonic Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) MadMax, can you elaborate? I'm not a guy so I know very little about how they think, just basing my thought on my experiences and what my guy friends have told me. Edited January 29, 2011 by simpsonic Forgot to quote
simpsonic Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 You couldn't be more wrong. Can you elaborate? I'm not a guy so I know very little about how they think, just basing my thought on my experiences and what my guy friends have told me.
Mad Max Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Can you elaborate? I'm not a guy so I know very little about how they think, just basing my thought on my experiences and what my guy friends have told me. Thought it was pretty clear the first time. Men don't like to chase. Women claim they do as an excuse not to pursue.
simpsonic Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Thought it was pretty clear the first time. Men don't like to chase. Women claim they do as an excuse not to pursue. Well, I've done the pursuing before as I've told the OP and that has never worked well for me. Apparently the guys I was approaching didn't like to be chased!
Mad Max Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Well, I've done the pursuing before as I've told the OP and that has never worked well for me. Apparently the guys I was approaching didn't like to be chased! You haven't approached enough men to come to that conclusion. Approach guys that are into you and you'll see different results.
threebyfate Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 It depends on what kind of men YOU prefer. If you want a passive one, pursue them. If you prefer more assertive men, let them pursue you.
simpsonic Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) Were those guys attracted to you at all? There is this little difference between men and women. A woman can have NO attraction toward a man whatsoever and suddenly grows attraction for him after he showered her with attention or money. But a man cannot grow from NO attraction to suddenly feel attracted to a woman. He needs to have at least some attraction from the beginning first. With the last guy I dated anyway, I started talking to him first. He must have been attracted to me as he asked me out first, and continued to do so for the next 3 dates. But once I started initiating dates and such, we saw each other less and less, and then things stopped. *shrugs* Maybe I shouldn't use the word "pursue"...I agree that there's a difference between pursuing and initiating, as pursuing sounds more aggressive. Edited January 29, 2011 by simpsonic
simpsonic Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 You see, Women have a different definition of pursuing. What women tend to see as pursuing is seen by men as smothering. Calling like once a day to check up and say 'hi' is romantic and shows that you care. But calling like 10X a day and expecting to talk for hours everytime is annoying after a while and it makes a guy lose respect and think you are the psycho type. In your case, the guy was probably attracted to you. But perhaps you were too smothering like calling him and asking to meet up all the time. I only called him once a week...I wouldn't call that smothering. I remember the last time we met up, we hadn't seen each other in almost 2 months. I think at the time I started calling him and making plans, he met someone he liked better. But I see what you're saying. Calling someone multiple times a day and acting demanding would turn anyone off.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Do guys get put-off by women being the pursuer? No! This is a crazy notion which merely hinders dating/socializing while being as far-fetched as most of that stuff you read in Cosmo.
Nexus One Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) I pretty much agree with Mad Max on all fronts. I have known girls and women who did the pursuing/initiating. The reason I didn't bite in those situations was not the fact that it was THEM who did the pursuing/initiating, but they did it at the most inopportune moments, for which most of the time they could not be blamed by the way. I don't know what it is, but in almost all instances those girls/women approached me when I was either busy or when I was in a hurry. You could not catch me at a less opportune moment if you tried, yeah well maybe when I was hanging off of a cliff holding on for dear life or something. So if you as a woman intend to pursue/initiate, then try to wait for a calm and opportune moment in the guy's day, try to figure out his schedule for that day in one way or another. Otherwise he can't fully focus on you and the dynamics that are at play. Some of those girls/women would have succeeded, if only they approached me in a different situation or at a different time. C'est la vie. Edited January 30, 2011 by Nexus One
simpsonic Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I have known girls and women who did the pursuing/initiating. The reason I didn't bite in those situations was not the fact that it was THEM who did the pursuing/initiating, but they did it at the most inopportune moments, for which most of the time they could not be blamed by the way. I don't know what it is, but in almost all instances those girls/women approached me when I was either busy or when I was in a hurry. You could not catch me at a less opportune moment if you tried, yeah well maybe when I was hanging off of a cliff holding on for dear life or something. Which is why my guy friends have said they preferred to do the pursuing, because whenever they were pursued, it wasn't an opportune moment. Playing the hunter so to speak was more convenient for them.
Author NeptunedIN Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 So you didn't follow up with any of these women who initially went after you because it wasn't a good time? Once you knew they were interested, you could have followed up when it WAS a different time, more convenient for you (if you were actually interested in any of these girls). The timing issue could easily be resolved, so was it a lack of interest with these particular women or because you knew they were available (because they had pursue you first....circling back to original question)?
Nexus One Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) So you didn't follow up with any of these women who initially went after you because it wasn't a good time? Once you knew they were interested, you could have followed up when it WAS a different time, more convenient for you (if you were actually interested in any of these girls). The timing issue could easily be resolved, so was it a lack of interest with these particular women or because you knew they were available (because they had pursue you first....circling back to original question)? Them pursuing is not the issue at all. Note, these were women that caught my eye, so there was mutual interest, except in certain cases their timing didn't give me an opportunity to respond properly. I get the idea that many women wait till the last moment they could possibly ask, perhaps because they're building up courage. And just before the opportunity passes they try to initiate at the very last minutes or seconds. Such situations leave me no options. If I have to go right now, I have to go right now. It was just unfortunate for both sides. Them initiating or pursuing wasn't the issue. Tip: If he's in a hurry walk with him for a while to wherever he's going to exchange contact details. I know that takes some courage and the situation doesn't always lend itself for a walk. Edited January 30, 2011 by Nexus One
Mad Max Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Seems to me like women want to have the power to reject someone. Sorry, but guys aren't turned off by women pursuing them. If Megan Fox pursued you(obviously directed at the gentlemen here), I'm pretty sure most wouldn't turn her down. If he's into you, you pursuing him won't change anything. Stop coming up with excuses to make him jump through hoops. I may be the exception, but I know if a girl won't make the first move, someone else will. It would be in your best interest ladies to make the first move. You have nothing to lose.
refurb Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I heard this from a friend... "If someone likes you, it doesn't really matter how you approach, how you act, you'll do just fine." It applies the same here. If the guy is seriously into you, if you pursue him, you'll do just fine. RF
denise_xo Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I heard this from a friend... "If someone likes you, it doesn't really matter how you approach, how you act, you'll do just fine." It applies the same here. If the guy is seriously into you, if you pursue him, you'll do just fine. RF Quoted for truth.
musemaj111 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I only called him once a week...I wouldn't call that smothering. I remember the last time we met up, we hadn't seen each other in almost 2 months. I think at the time I started calling him and making plans, he met someone he liked better. But I see what you're saying. Calling someone multiple times a day and acting demanding would turn anyone off. Err calling once a week is not pursuing. How could u pin his loss of interest on u pursuing him when u hardly did? Anyway, I don't think anyone should chase anyone. Initiating is fine. But if the other person doesn't return the appreciation then stop. Have some dignity people.
Recommended Posts