makelemonade1974 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Okay, this is tricky. As a single mom, I always feel that the guys I'm dating are going to run for the hills as soon as they discover I have children. Not just children - THREE children (ages 13, 9, and 4). The guy I'm dating right now is a little younger than me. We met online, and I wrote on my profile that I share custody of my children (I do) and that my independence must be respected because they will always come first. So this guy knows I have kids. We just haven't talked about them at all. Tomorrow is date #3 and I'm thinking I will have to broach the subject at some point. The thing is, I'm 36 and am not interested in living with a guy anytime soon - at least while my kids require so much of my attention. I like things they way they are in my life - I like my independence and I like to raise my children the way I want. I have no plans to introduce this guy to them unless we are going to get married or something. I'm not going to be that Mom who parades men in and out of their kids lives. While I'm open to a relationship, I need my space. So how to bring up the kids while at the same time telling him that he will probably never meet them? I was thinking I would just casually mention them and hope for the best. It really sucks that I have to feel like my beautiful babies are some sort of baggage or something. It's just that I feel like men hear that a woman has kids and they think she is looking for someone to move in, be daddy, and support them financially. That is not what I want at all. How do I bring this up?
jennifer4 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Just want to let you know i'm in the same situation. I'm 38 and mine are 18,13,9 and 8. It's tough, I've been divorced for 7 yrs. I too don't involve a date with my kids. If and when you become serious then slowly introduce them. I'd talk about them to a date and if he has issues then move on. It's an awkward situation but there are men who don't mind dating single moms. Good luck.
EasyHeart Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Say it in exactly the same way you posted it. Make sure you're in a situation (like in a restaurant) where you can have a serious conversation. (I once had someone bring up a serious topic in the fourth inning of a baseball game; it's not conducive to a serious conversation). Then just say, "There's something I want to talk to you about . . ." and tell him what you said in your post. I've dated plenty of women who have kids. It's either an issue for the guy, or it's not. Since he's dating you, I have to assume it's not an issue for him. If he runs away as soon as you talk about your kids, then that's a good thing -- it's way better for him to run now than 6 months from now when you're emotionally attached to him. Personally, I consider kids to be a first date topic. At 36, you're a grownup and he should be, too, so you should both be able to talk about it like grownups. Kids have a huge impact on your dating life, so put it out front and make clear exactly how you see the kids fitting into your dating life and him fitting into your life. Frankly, you sound very level-headed. The women who freak me out and make me want to run are the ones who want me to meet their kids after the second date. Eeeeek!!!!
Nexus One Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Some men are completely okay with kids from another relationship and some even like it if it makes paternal feelings surface in them. However like you say, some men are also scared off by it, but as this guy already knows you have children I don't think he's one of those types of men. And besides, if children are a deal breaker for a certain man, then would you really want to pursue such a guy for a relationship? I agree with you. Your children = #1.
alexlakeman Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Preface: single dad, 2 children, shared custody. I make it a habit of preferably dating single moms. That way they understand and I understand if it's on her end, if I have to cancel if the maternal parent bails on taking care of my children, or if something urgent comes up with the children (ie school project last minute), or they get sick... I don't think a no-kids guy or gal , guy in particular, with no kids will actually get it. He hasn't even asked you about your kids ? Maybe he doesn't give a shi)t about the kids? Maybe he does and is waiting for you to bring it up? Maybe he just wants to sleep with you? Don't talk about LTR, live in , etc.. That comes with time.. Easy way to bring up the kinds? Show hims some pics, "oh look at my kids what we did last weekend... and measure his level of interest.. If he doesn't give a crap now, he won't give a crap later... kids come first. I got that area of kids/dating fully covered, lol...I'm a guy and have two boys, so the intro to my s/o is different... I don't introduce them asap, but if we end up dating for a couple months or so, then yeah, especially if she has kids, and we want to see each other, but have the kids that weekend; just meet at dave and buster's, or some kid oriented place, depending on age, ... I've been lucky, all women I've dated "in a relationship" have been great with the kids.. I had one ltr (3+ yrs) with a lady with no kids and she adored them, it was great... BUT, I also met someone with no kids and I remember her words "no kiddies", but it sounded like it was a POSITIVE thing , so I didn't date her... fk it.. Don't worry too much about it.. LOTsssssssssssssssssssss of single dads around, lol..
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