wavejumper Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Hello Love Shack I've been reading this forum since my marriage started going off the rails over a year ago. It helped me through the process of finally separating, to going NC and now to second chances. A little background: I've been with my husband (or X?) for nearly 15 years. Things got so bad (due to his not being able to commit to being in the marriage anymore and other reasons we can go into later) that he moved out in Sept. During the early separation phase and for several months before, he was always indecisive and confused about what he wanted. After he moved out for the first couple of weeks, we had some sporadic (long) phone conversations and one face-to-face meeting until I finally put an end to the roller coaster 2 months into the separation (and after I found out he had slept with the girl he had had a severe infatuation with for over a year that I felt contributed to him 'checking out'). Despite him telling me he still wanted to work on the relationship and maybe see a councelor, he slept with her a month after we separated and I felt that was IT. I should add, that the girl he lost his head over was related to his work- he's a photog and she's a 'model' and I had some serious boundary issues (or rather his lack of).. So, I decided to initiate the divorce process (only seeing an attny and advising him to do the same). I told him the only contact we were to have is via email for business purposes. I stuck to it and he respected this agreement. We had one phone conversation after that and it was a discussion on the dissolution process. (we have been very amiable regarding joint assets and other material aspects and we don't want an expensive divorce). I will admit, the holidays were really difficult, but we both did not contact each other and were going to speak after to finalize the agreement. I found myself doing pretty well despite the circumstances of being single during the holidays for the first time in 15 years. I've made some really excellent progress on myself and am becoming more and more independent everyday and widening my social circle. From what I've heard, he was not OK during the holidays. In fact, downright awful and in a downward spiral. When he contacted me (as agreed to finalize things) I could tell there was a change in heart. He told me how much he still loved me, how much he misses me, how he can't imagine not having me in his life ever again etc etc. Then he asked me out on a date- I don't know why, well i kinda do, I still love him, we have such a history, i miss him etc. etc etc.- and so I agreed to go. Tonight is the night and I'll admit, I'm feeling uneasy, even some dred! but also a little warmth and curiosity. I really doubt he has changed or has the capacity to really be fully committed again. Our situation was the proverbial "wanting his cake and eating it too" dynamic. I don't think that just goes away. I intend to not bring up our relationship, or make any demands. I'm going to just be a really good observer, try to enjoy myself and take it from there. Any advice or insight? Thanks for reading this!
eeazee Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I would suggest you don't bring up anything about your marriage at all. Dress really well, look beautiful and just enjoy yourself. It will drive him crazy knowing you're fully independent without him (which might not be the case but this will make him want you more n more). Trust me. Have fun.
broken-and-lost Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Just go enjoy yourself no pressure lots of people never get a second chance don't carry baggage with you even tho it's in your mind. see if you still have a connection hope you have a great night
Author wavejumper Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 thanks for the well wishes eeaze and broken-and-lost! i had every intention of not talking about the marriage or our 'baggage', but alas it inevitably did come up.... the date started out a little frantic with me not being able to find parking- i was 20min late! lol i was intending to be about 5 but it turned into 20. at first things were a bit awkward but we quickly settled into a civil discussion catching up on news. he took me to a really nice restaurant and i looked especially nice but not overdone. i don't quite know how it happened but the topic of children came up. i guess this is a hot button issue for us because we had decided not to have any and i guess since we broke up, it was something both of us regretted. so some blame (on both ends) starts to ensue and he got really mad- something that always happens and was one of the reasons we broke up... somehow we got through it and made it through the night unscathed. we finished dinner and had a night cap. i know in the back of my mind i was thinking how i should make all of this short and sweet but we on and had a night cap and then i went home. then, this morning he called and well, he asked what i was doing today, i told him i was going to the movies, and he basically invited himself. SO, we are meeting again today. I'm a little worried this is might be moving a little faster than some would advise. it seems to me, when i look at how our lives are now after nearly 5 months of separation, i just don't know how we would ever go back to a traditional marriage arrangement. i just don't know. i guess i will take it one day at a time but i am so concerned about landing back at day one after all of the progress i made being single. thoughts or mine fields i should avoid?
Recommended Posts