Author marlena Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 I am very well thanks Marlena- Wonderbaby is walking and adding to her vocabulary every day- can be quite the little lady and is cute and cheeky. (gush gush!) We are thinking about going for round two soon. Anyway- why the rush to live together so soon? I think thats probably your biggest problem. When WB and I got together I had lived alone for a few years, and we did LDR initially which was actually really nice to ease back into having to consider someone else. I struggled (and still do sometimes!) with living with someone else for quite a while. We women are generally better at living alone than men, and I totally appreciate how you would have got set in your ways after being alone for a time. If it came to it, could the R continue if you ceased to cohabit? Hi Sb, They are so deliciously cute at that age. My daughter was just like that , too! Cute and spunky, cheeky and quite the lady. It's also wonderful that the two of you are thinking of having another little munchkin to complete your happiness. No, I don;t think we can reverse the relationship. He's not interested in dating. He wants to fully share his life with someone and I can appreciate that at his age. Besides, we would probably slip into old patterns as usually happens. He has so many good qualities. The problem lies with me and not with him at all. He is quite happy here with me. It's me who is reacting to commitment. Donna, gave me an idea. Wait it out a year maybe, set a time frame but I wonder if I can stick to it. My question is: Am I seeing red flags where there aren;t any? Kiss your little one for me!
Author marlena Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 You very well could be. My sweety's ex was a cheater and, actually, quite self absorbed. I've seen her in action, putting herself before her son on several occasions. Even when he graduated from college after having paid his own way through and living on his own, doing school work and holding down a job. As a result, I first had to work through some baggage with him. He would take things I said in a completely different way than I had intended on several occasions. I think we've reached a point of understanding now, and things couldn't be better! It was well worth the effort! Maybe you're both misreading things from time to time based on past experiences with other folks... Donna, You pegged it. This is my concern as well. At this age, we both came into this with tons of baggage, both set in our ways, extremely independent, too. A has never married, no kids, it must be an adjustment for him too. He's not used to relationships and their complex dynamics. So I am wondering if I should be a bit more understanding of his, for lack of a better word, gauchery. I think we need time to get to reknow eachother. When I first met him I was 19!!!!!!!!!!! We hung out with eachother in our early twenties, then, he moved to the States. Your advice has been very helpful. Maybe I need to hone my relationship skills as well. Thanks, Donna. I appreciate it!
Author marlena Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Marlena, one thing we all have to remember, especially those of us who have a few more years, thus more hurts, under our belts is that we really need to stop and assess things for what they are; resist our urge to view things through the harsh lenses we wear due to our past experiences. That's not to say we should discount our wisdom, but maybe just try to temper our reactions. I know I've had to make adjustments in my way of viewing things (not adjusting my values, just my perceptions), and so has my sweety. But I knew he was the best man ever, so I put in the work. We both did. So... take a deep breath, relax as best you can, and just give it a shot! Good luck hon! This is just it! I feel in my gut that he is right for me and deserves the work I might have to put into adjusting to this new development in my life . I often act in haste and regret it. That's why I needed everyone's advice on this wonderful community of ours! Donna, your advice and encouragement has been precious! Thank you, love! I so appreciate it!
Woggle Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I hate to say this but maybe you should let him go instead of breaking his heart down the road. Then again I admit I automatically go to thinking of the man's feelings. If you really do not have it in you to make this relationship work then spare him the pain.
Macaw Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I hate to say this but maybe you should let him go instead of breaking his heart down the road. Then again I admit I automatically go to thinking of the man's feelings. If you really do not have it in you to make this relationship work then spare him the pain. I disagree. Personally, I think it's better for both parties if they devote themselves to a relationship until pursuing any further becomes unbereable for either (or both) than break it off on the first hint of self doubt or on the first rainy day. If nothing else, the learning and personal growth that comes from near-sucessful relationships is enough reward all by itself. The wisdom you gain is wondrous beyond words.
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Wow I don't know how I missed your thread sweets! Don't let old hurts and past ghosts get in the way of what you have now. He isn't the one who hurt you, he isn't the one who made you mistrust. Just be honest with him about this, that you need reassurances from him, more than the average person, until you feel comfortable enough to really trust him. I think you should just go for it and see how it goes. Stay in the now and worry about next week, next week. If it gets to you too much, seek some counselling to help you sort this out...But I think you're going to be alright!
Author marlena Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 I hate to say this but maybe you should let him go instead of breaking his heart down the road. Then again I admit I automatically go to thinking of the man's feelings. If you really do not have it in you to make this relationship work then spare him the pain. You know, I think you may be right. I have thought of it many times. It's not that I don't have feelings for him, I do... and many strong ones, too. I'm just wondering if I can, over time, make the adjustment. I'm sure that if we broke up,I'd be hearbroken. I am also wondering if I am stirring up problems where there aren't any. This could me true. All my prior relationships were so full of drama that I can't help wondering if, at some level, this is what I expect in a R. Anyway, we are over this bump for now. His eye is better and we talked things out. I admit I may have been a bit too sensitive about the whole thing.
Author marlena Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Wow I don't know how I missed your thread sweets! Don't let old hurts and past ghosts get in the way of what you have now. He isn't the one who hurt you, he isn't the one who made you mistrust. Just be honest with him about this, that you need reassurances from him, more than the average person, until you feel comfortable enough to really trust him. I think you should just go for it and see how it goes. Stay in the now and worry about next week, next week. If it gets to you too much, seek some counselling to help you sort this out...But I think you're going to be alright! WWIU, Good to see you, my dear! How are you? I was hoping you would chip in. Hope you are faring well. Of course, I know it is past hurts and betrayals and a lack of trust. I do have to work on these things. I don;t know why I feel so insecure. I can say that he is the first man who makes me feel safe and secure in his love. He is committed 100 % and like, he said, he'll do "whatever it takes". TYruth be told, he has made more adjustments than I have. My daughter says I am taking him for granted. If I am I have to stop because I know too well how wrong and destructive that it is. Yes, you're right. Live in today. Thanks WWIU
Woggle Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 If you serious about making this work then realize that these are old hurts talking. Just because all the other relationships were full of drama does not mean that this one has to be. Before I met my wife I barely saw any relationships at all let alone had one myself but I realize she is an individual and a relationship with her is not drama filled. Realize that this man is an individual and has nothing whatsoever to do with all those other men in your past that caused so much drama. Also I mean when I say that is you are not truly committed to making this work then end it now and spare him the heartbreak later on. Don't waste his time if you are not serious about this.
Author marlena Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 He is most definitely like none of the other men I know. He is very committed and seems to have settled into this co-habiting thing much better than I even though he's been a bachelor all his life. Although I feel safe and secure and appreciate his devotion, well, you know, he could very well break my heart one day, too. If he does, then, I;ll break his neck (just kidding)!
Author marlena Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 Thanks Donna sweets, I know you are rooting for us! I also have the same feeling. That this is for keeps.
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