marlena Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) Hi, everyone! I'm afraid I need some friendly advice again. I've been in a live-in relationship for three months and I'm afraid I'm a little confused/skeptical/frightened about it all. Here's the low down. I ran into an old friend from my distant past about three months ago and we immediately clicked. There was an attraction there many years ago but we were both in a relationship at the time. Now, the timing is perfect but having accumulated a lot of baggage since then, I have my doubts and fears as I have been relationship free, just the odd casual fling, for quite some ime. In many ways, A is my perfect match, the soul mate I never believed existed. We share many a common interest and are very similar as far as personality types and common background go. At times. I am deliriously happy and can't believe in my good luck so late in life. And then...other times I crave my lost independence although he does nothing to cramp my style. I want to believe this is finally the real thing but why oh why am I having doubts? Why am I repeating destructive old patterns? Lack of trust is my major issue, a cyncism that has stuck like a disease to my skin. It all moved very fast as if it were meant to be. Yet still, I wonder....is it the real thing or am I setting myself up for more heartbreak? Although he hardly ever gives me reason to doubt, this wiggly, nagging feeling is getting the best of me... Any thoughts? Edited January 29, 2011 by marlena
Woggle Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 You are still in defense mode from old hurts. I went through the same thing early on and sometimes I still do but much much less than I used to. If he really is as good as he seems then recognize these triggers and realize it is old hurts talking.
Author marlena Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) You are still in defense mode from old hurts. I went through the same thing early on and sometimes I still do but much much less than I used to. If he really is as good as he seems then recognize these triggers and realize it is old hurts talking. Hi Woggle! Nice to hear from you! I hope all is well with you. You know, I have missed my old friends on here!! I know that you can understand how hard it is to get rid of old residue feelings from former disastrous relationships. It all just seems TOO damn perfect to be true. And because life has taught me that if it is too good to be true, then, it probably is, I succumb to my tortuous feelings of doubt. . I just don't know what to believe anymore! Could the fates have been looking out for me after all? Do I dare believe in magic? I am afraid of sabotaging the whole damn thing! I am so good at giving advice to others and so miserably a failure at giving counsel to myself. Edited January 29, 2011 by marlena
Woggle Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Nothing in life is ever 100% perfect but if it is great then enjoy it. If something does go wrong then you know you are strong enough to handle it. I can very much relate to that too good to be true feeling because before I met my wife the relationships I experienced and in many cases witnessed were not even good but it doesn't mean they all are that way. It is not magic because such a thing does not exist but you got lucky to find a great relationship.
Author marlena Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Nothing in life is ever 100% perfect but if it is great then enjoy it. If something does go wrong then you know you are strong enough to handle it. I can very much relate to that too good to be true feeling because before I met my wife the relationships I experienced and in many cases witnessed were not even good but it doesn't mean they all are that way. It is not magic because such a thing does not exist but you got lucky to find a great relationship. Woggle, that's part of the problem. I just can;t believe I got so lucky. That's why I hold back in fear. I had just about given up on relationships. But, yes, I know I should enjoy it for however long it lasts I will try to do so, ny friend. I will try to squash these nagging feelings in the back of my heart and hope for the best and like you said, after all I have been through, I hope I am steeled for whatever may go wrong. I know you understand and you've helped me right this moment more than you know. :love:
Woggle Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I know it's hard but it's worth it. If I can get over that fear I think anybody can.
Author marlena Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 I know it's hard but it's worth it. If I can get over that fear I think anybody can. I know .... I know .... I think I understand you more than ever before.... :love:
Kamille Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Marlena! It's so good to hear from you. Fast-moving relationships are often thrilling and emotion-packed. I think your doubts are part of the period of adjustment. I'm a bit brain-dead today, so I don't even know what conclusions to draw from that. I'm glad you're allowing yourself to experience this! Be patient with yourself and take the time you need for yourself.
Citizen Erased Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I agree with Woggle and yay I'm glad to see you on here
Author marlena Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 I know it's hard but it's worth it. If I can get over that fear I think anybody can. Marlena! It's so good to hear from you. Fast-moving relationships are often thrilling and emotion-packed. I think your doubts are part of the period of adjustment. I'm a bit brain-dead today, so I don't even know what conclusions to draw from that. I'm glad you're allowing yourself to experience this! Be patient with yourself and take the time you need for yourself. Kamille darling, So good to hear from you, my sweet! Yes, so true, they are totally consuming especially when so unexpected! I am so swept off my feet it scares me! I feel like a schoolgirl in so many ways. Your advice is so what I would say to someone else. I do need to be patient with myself and not blow it all in my typical Aries impulsive way. I so wish we could have met up. Are you still in Barcelona? I will PM you soon, my lovely!! I want to hear all your news! :love:
Author marlena Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) I agree with Woggle and yay I'm glad to see you on here My darling CE!! I am so glad to be back to my precious friends on here! You know, CE, I can feel your excitement for me! I know you really feel it. Thank you so much. It means a lot. And you know what's best, I know that whatever happens, you guys will see me though it!! I hope all is well with you, my dear. :love: Edited January 29, 2011 by marlena
OpenBook Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Hey Marlena!!! Great to "see" you again. :bunny: So we have some monkey-love going on here, huh?? Good for you - I'm really happy for you (I'm sitting here grinning from ear to ear). About your dilemma - you talk about your heart & feelings... but what does your gut say about him? That still, small voice emanating from somewhere around your solar plexus? That's the voice that will tell you the truth about him. It's only been 3 months, and already you're living with him - Boy that was fast! I think it's perfectly natural for you to be feeling a little... uneasy. You are still in the heady beginning honeymoon "Getting To Know You" stages of this relationship. Way too early to nail anything down. My advice (besides the Listen To Your Gut thing) would be HAVE A LITTLE MORE FAITH IN YOURSELF! Just enjoy it, take everything as it comes... and NEVER doubt yourself or your ability to handle whatever might happen, good or bad! You've already survived so many of the sh*tstorms of life. It's about time you enjoyed a little Cheeseburger In Paradise!! :D:D:bunny::bunny:
Author marlena Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) Hey Marlena!!! Great to "see" you again. :bunny: So we have some monkey-love going on here, huh?? Good for you - I'm really happy for you (I'm sitting here grinning from ear to ear). About your dilemma - you talk about your heart & feelings... but what does your gut say about him? That still, small voice emanating from somewhere around your solar plexus? That's the voice that will tell you the truth about him. It's only been 3 months, and already you're living with him - Boy that was fast! I think it's perfectly natural for you to be feeling a little... uneasy. You are still in the heady beginning honeymoon "Getting To Know You" stages of this relationship. Way too early to nail anything down. My advice (besides the Listen To Your Gut thing) would be HAVE A LITTLE MORE FAITH IN YOURSELF! Just enjoy it, take everything as it comes... and NEVER doubt yourself or your ability to handle whatever might happen, good or bad! You've already survived so many of the sh*tstorms of life. It's about time you enjoyed a little Cheeseburger In Paradise!! :D:D:bunny::bunny: OB, my soul sister in so many ways. I am so delighted that you responded as I have a special slot in my heart just for you. My gut feeling tells me this is the real thing after so many trials and tribulations ...yet a tiny, nagging voice tells me not to jump the gun as I should know better at this late age in my life that fairy tales are ... well, fairy tales. There has to be a glitch, no? Truly I am confused, scared and skeptical but I will try to take your advice and every one else´s to just flow with the feeling. And well, if it doesn't work out, yes, I should be steeled for this possible outcome. Whatever the case may be, I have you guys amd that is a tremendous comfort. You are a fine lady, OB, and my thoughts and good wishes are with you. :love: Edited January 30, 2011 by marlena
OpenBook Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Right back atcha girlfriend!! Yes I'm sure there are glitches, nobody's perfect. They'll come out in time. I know how you feel though, constantly on edge waiting for that other shoe to drop. I don't trust happiness either. We both need to work on that!
Macaw Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I've realized after many years of my life spent on LTRs... that the original infatuation /"love high" feeling we used to have when we were younger and met a new love doesn't come back in the same intensity (or for many of us, it simply doesn't come back at all) when we meet a new potential soulmate after we are emotionally mature. It does cause you to question the potential of your current relationship... but with a little of soul searching, you should realize that the problem might not be him, but instead, the problem is simply that you changed without realizing it. Like others have said... you should pursue it while you are happy with it, as you've clearly shown the strength to handle the situation should it not work out for you. It is always better to live and then regret than regret not trying to live later in your life.
sb129 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Marlena- nice to see you and with such positive news! I agree with the others, that this is part of the adjustment to such a whirlwind romance. I also agree that you should have faith in yourself, relax and enjoy! Like others have said... you should pursue it while you are happy with it, as you've clearly shown the strength to handle the situation should it not work out for you. It is always better to live and then regret than regret not trying to live later in your life. Perfectly said.
Author marlena Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Marlena- nice to see you and with such positive news! I agree with the others, that this is part of the adjustment to such a whirlwind romance. I also agree that you should have faith in yourself, relax and enjoy! Perfectly said. Nice to see you, too, SB! How are things with you? I want to relax but I can't as every little thing bothers me. I lived alone for so long that I don't know if I can make the necessary adjustments and compromises. Maybe I;m not cut out for this any longer. Too old! Right now I am so pissed off I could chuck him and his things right out the door. Maybe I don't care as much as I thought I did. Maybe we aren't as compatible as I thought we were. Maybe I am screwing things up as usual. How's life treating you? How's little Wonderboy? Give him a tiny peck for me!
Author marlena Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 I've realized after many years of my life spent on LTRs... that the original infatuation /"love high" feeling we used to have when we were younger and met a new love doesn't come back in the same intensity (or for many of us, it simply doesn't come back at all) when we meet a new potential soulmate after we are emotionally mature. It does cause you to question the potential of your current relationship... but with a little of soul searching, you should realize that the problem might not be him, but instead, the problem is simply that you changed without realizing it. Like others have said... you should pursue it while you are happy with it, as you've clearly shown the strength to handle the situation should it not work out for you. It is always better to live and then regret than regret not trying to live later in your life. Hi there. Thanks for responding. You are right. It doesn't often come along that's why I was so taken aback. i had all but stopped thinking romantic thoughts for quite some time now. The first clouds have already started to appear and so I don't know if I have it in me anymore to fight for a R. I got spoilt and selfish all these years having no one to consider by myself. Yes, I have changed, not that little starry-eyed girl I used to be who would do anything for love, make any concession at all. You are right about one thing. Better give this a chance and regret rather than not give it a chance and admonish myself later. We'll see. Something tells me I will be on these boards more often now! I think the honey moon phase is over! Once again, thanks for taking the time out to respond!
Kasan Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Now, now, Marlena! You would think that at our ages, we would know when we were in self sabotaging mode. Who says we can't or deserve to be happy? Who says we can't finally find the love of our lives? Nothing about falling in love has changed sweetie! It's still risky putting yourself out there, letting yourself feel vulnerable, and allowing yourself to trust again, even when you don't have the patience to go through all of this again. You have to let some of this crap go Marlena, as it is only making you unhappy and possibly screwing up a good thing. No one is perfect, including you my dear, (although, in my book you come very close ) and adjustments on both sides will have to be made. You are the happiest I have ever seen since I have known you, and I know you will sort through all of this and find a happy medium, because you know I am right!:laugh: :love:
Author marlena Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Now, now, Marlena! You would think that at our ages, we would know when we were in self sabotaging mode. Who says we can't or deserve to be happy? Who says we can't finally find the love of our lives? Nothing about falling in love has changed sweetie! It's still risky putting yourself out there, letting yourself feel vulnerable, and allowing yourself to trust again, even when you don't have the patience to go through all of this again. You have to let some of this crap go Marlena, as it is only making you unhappy and possibly screwing up a good thing. No one is perfect, including you my dear, (although, in my book you come very close ) and adjustments on both sides will have to be made. You are the happiest I have ever seen since I have known you, and I know you will sort through all of this and find a happy medium, because you know I am right!:laugh: :love: My dear, cherished friend, Of course, I know you are right. You have been for three years now. Your advice has always been not only right on- the -button but a source of great comfort to me ( like the quilt you gave me) ! I know you aren't going to believe me but I am strung dry, I have no love to give anymore, no patience whatsoever for it. As soon as there is a problem. big or small, I want to bolt. I don't have it in me to compromise or adjust at this age. And though he makes me happy most of the time, whenever he upsets me, I immediately think of my carefree life as a single woman living on her own and on her own terms, and want to revert to that state. I guess I got used to my selfishness over the years. It was so EASY! I know I have a lot of baggage and I'd like nothing more than to rid myself of it but I can't. It has become an integral part of me, of who I am, I think. Maybe I'm just not relationship material anymore! And, yes, I probably will regret it if I break up with him one day. Then, again, maybe not! :love:
Author marlena Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Woggle hi, I know this might sound silly but here goes. I accidentally poked him in the eye amd instead of going to the doctor, he sulked for two days and made me feel even worse than I already did. It was an accident for heaven's sake! Why guilt-trip me like that? What a freakin' baby, I thought. Then one thought ran into another and I thought do I want to nurse this grouchy, eccentric man one day? The answer was a resounding NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's ten years older, by the way, so that day isn't too far away! Of course, I might get bed-ridden before he does!!
Author marlena Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Hi Donna, How are you? I know it is quick but somehow it just felt right since at this age we were both seeking companionship amongst other things. We kind of just slid into it. I suspect that because we were old friends it felt comfortable and right at the time. I did talk to him about it but he just denies that he made me feel this way saying it was my interpretation and a wrong one. I doubt it. I am not stupid. As small as this incident is, it does say something about him. I thought we were the perfect match, and in many ways we are, but now this and some other stuff as well,are making me rethink the whole thing. Now he's being so sweet but I won't have any of it. When I get mad and I do admit I have a short fuse, all hell breaks lose. Don't forget, I am the Meditteranean type, lol!!
Author marlena Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Doing quite well, thanks! Well, if there's anything I've learned in my many (and they ARE many ) years is that you measure twice and cut once. If you can analogize that to R's, you'll get what I mean. Well, maybe just try to cool down and give it time and see how things go. If your first instinct was right, you wouldn't want to do anything rash, right? It's still very soon. You two need at least a year. Yes, I said a year! A YEAR!!!! LIONS! TIGERS! BEARS! OH MY!!! This is the thing with me. I always act on impulse and then regret it. I'll take your advice and try to cool down before I strangle the daylights out of him!! :laugh: If we make it to a year, I'll buy you guys all a drink!
sb129 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I am very well thanks Marlena- Wonderbaby is walking and adding to her vocabulary every day- can be quite the little lady and is cute and cheeky. (gush gush!) We are thinking about going for round two soon. Anyway- why the rush to live together so soon? I think thats probably your biggest problem. When WB and I got together I had lived alone for a few years, and we did LDR initially which was actually really nice to ease back into having to consider someone else. I struggled (and still do sometimes!) with living with someone else for quite a while. We women are generally better at living alone than men, and I totally appreciate how you would have got set in your ways after being alone for a time. If it came to it, could the R continue if you ceased to cohabit?
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