HappinessSeeker Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Hi, I'm so happy I found this site. I have been so tormented the past 3 months bottling all my feelings and emotions because I felt there was no one I could talk to that could understand what I was going through without judgement. I have been seeing a MM. I've known him for a year and a half and he is someone I do business with. We were friends. Well it turned to something more 3 months ago. I played as big a part in us taking it to another level as he did and I am not proud of it. I thought it would only be a few times, I'd get bored and I would move on, I had an idea in my head of what an affair was based on I guess talk shows and movies (smh) I thought our contact would be limited, and it would be purely sexual, which was not the case. He would want to see me 3 sometimes 4 times a week, we talked, emailed, text multiple times a day. We had agreed to keep it secret, but he started introducing me to his friends. After about a month I realized I was falling hard for him. I have to stop here because I need to explain that I have not had great luck in the relationship department, I've never had a real BF since I was in college, only short term relationships or flings. I was hurt by my last BF and it made me really guarded and suspicious of men. I don't let them get close, I wait for them to screw up so I can end things. I also would choose losers who would not treat me well. So with that being said, this "thing" with the MM was new for me because when we were together he made me feel like I was a queen. 3 months later I'm looking for an out, I've finally started to realize what my place is with him and that I have no place. I thought it was cool that he wanted to introduce me to his friends, but I realized he just wanted to show me off (look at the hot sidepiece i have) he used to tell me he got off on seeing other men's reaction to me. I tried to break things off once, but he made it hard for me and I couldn't stay away, but since I have been trying to wean myself by limiting the amount of time we see and speak to each other. I actually took a trip outstate just to get away from him for a week. He's been traveling a lot this month which has been helpful as well because it's helping me get used to not seeing and speaking to him as much. I've been overly emotional, everything lately has set off a crying frenzy for me. Especially if someone talks about their spouse or I see something on TV. I had to hold back when my moms friend showed us pictures of her son's wedding. I'm losing hope that I'll ever find someone good, I'll be 35 this year and this MM is the best I've been able to do, pretty pathetic Anyway, I'm not sure if Im looking for advice or just an opportunity to tell my story, but it really feels good to talk about it.
bentnotbroken Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Hi, I'm so happy I found this site. I have been so tormented the past 3 months bottling all my feelings and emotions because I felt there was no one I could talk to that could understand what I was going through without judgement. I have been seeing a MM. I've known him for a year and a half and he is someone I do business with. We were friends. Well it turned to something more 3 months ago. I played as big a part in us taking it to another level as he did and I am not proud of it. I thought it would only be a few times, I'd get bored and I would move on, I had an idea in my head of what an affair was based on I guess talk shows and movies (smh) I thought our contact would be limited, and it would be purely sexual, which was not the case. He would want to see me 3 sometimes 4 times a week, we talked, emailed, text multiple times a day. We had agreed to keep it secret, but he started introducing me to his friends. After about a month I realized I was falling hard for him. I have to stop here because I need to explain that I have not had great luck in the relationship department, I've never had a real BF since I was in college, only short term relationships or flings. I was hurt by my last BF and it made me really guarded and suspicious of men. I don't let them get close, I wait for them to screw up so I can end things. I also would choose losers who would not treat me well. So with that being said, this "thing" with the MM was new for me because when we were together he made me feel like I was a queen. 3 months later I'm looking for an out, I've finally started to realize what my place is with him and that I have no place. I thought it was cool that he wanted to introduce me to his friends, but I realized he just wanted to show me off (look at the hot sidepiece i have) he used to tell me he got off on seeing other men's reaction to me. I tried to break things off once, but he made it hard for me and I couldn't stay away, but since I have been trying to wean myself by limiting the amount of time we see and speak to each other. I actually took a trip outstate just to get away from him for a week. He's been traveling a lot this month which has been helpful as well because it's helping me get used to not seeing and speaking to him as much. I've been overly emotional, everything lately has set off a crying frenzy for me. Especially if someone talks about their spouse or I see something on TV. I had to hold back when my moms friend showed us pictures of her son's wedding. I'm losing hope that I'll ever find someone good, I'll be 35 this year and this MM is the best I've been able to do, pretty pathetic Anyway, I'm not sure if Im looking for advice or just an opportunity to tell my story, but it really feels good to talk about it. Why do you think a MM is the best you can do? I am a firm believer in loving yourself first. When you know you, know what you offer, know what you will accept...you can hold others to that standard of treatment. You love you enough not to accpet anything less. 35 is only considered too late by a teen. 35 is the beginning of self assurance in yourself. Find out who you are and what you want. Work toward your goals and stop looking for the one. When you are whole you will attract the one who is a compliment to you. Don't look for anyone to complete you.
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Imagine feeling this way a year or two, or maybe even 5 years down the road. You are doing the right thing by getting out. Some women can handle being the OW, that's enough for them, and some can't. If this affair and it sounds like it has, is killing you inside and is doing more damage than good then ending it, as painful as it is, has to happen. There are tons of wonderful men out there! Work on you first, let yourself grieve and heal. This MM isn't the "one" for you, though your heart tells you differently. Have you considered counselling? To help work through your issues and make you strong and self confident again? Do all that you can to avoid him. Speak to him only on a professional level. Keep busy and let him know that you don't want him contacting you, that he's being selfish.
OWoman Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Welcome, HS! It sounds as though this R is not for you, and that you are "settling" for it because you consider it your best option. But settling for something that is less than what you want, and that leaves you feeling compromised and short-changed, is not sustainable in the long run - as you're feeling now. As to "what's wrong with you", I think your self-confidence has taken a blow, and you think that this is the best you can get, even though it's clearly not enough for you. You need to learn to love yourself more, and value yourself more, so that others in turn can value and love you. If a beautiful painting is marked at cut price, no one is going to offer to pay full price for it, and people will think they were wrong to judge it so beautiful when it's obviously only worth bargain basement prices. 35 is not too old, by any means! Women are at their prime at that age, and it's a good age to be forging meaningful Rs because who you are and what you want is a lot clearer than when you were younger. Cut yourself some slack and put yourself out there so that you can meet people - whether or not they become friends, lovers or just people you can learn something from. Your bad experience need not shackle you - you have the rest of your life to enjoy with someone who deserves you.
East7 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I have to stop here because I need to explain that I have not had great luck in the relationship department, I've never had a real BF since I was in college, only short term relationships or flings. I was hurt by my last BF and it made me really guarded and suspicious of men. I don't let them get close, I wait for them to screw up so I can end things. I also would choose losers who would not treat me well. It sounds pretty much like a self esteem-issue. You unconsciously sabbotage your relationships because (suggestion) you think you are not worth it - that also explains why you choose men that don't treat you well. Anyway, I would suggest to go IC to explore your fears and insecurities. 3 months later I'm looking for an out, I've finally started to realize what my place is with him and that I have no place. I thought it was cool that he wanted to introduce me to his friends, but I realized he just wanted to show me off (look at the hot sidepiece i have) he used to tell me he got off on seeing other men's reaction to me. At least you are conscious that you are to him an object and a trophy. I tried to break things off once, but he made it hard for me and I couldn't stay away, but since I have been trying to wean myself by limiting the amount of time we see and speak to each other. I actually took a trip outstate just to get away from him for a week. He's been traveling a lot this month which has been helpful as well because it's helping me get used to not seeing and speaking to him as much. He has no interest to let you go because he's keeping you as a side-dish. You are his bonus. Only you can go break the chains of addiction to drama. 35yrs old is still young and you can find someone decent that can be with you 100%, but before you have to overcome your insecurities. Good luck
Author HappinessSeeker Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Thank you everyone for your feedback. I know that there is definitely some emotional issues I have to work through. But I don't think it's necessarily self esteem, as I think pretty highly of myself, some might think me conceited in some ways. I think it's this conceit and high regard is the reason I can pull myself away so early in the game, As I've read some other posts a lot of women stay in it for years. I think a lot of it had to do with me just feeling lonely, a lot of my friends were getting married and having families. I think it caught me off guard to meet someone who i had so much in common with and who i truly enjoyed being with. He really threw me off my game as I'm used to controlling the situation. With that being said I do agree he is no good for me and I know that he is selfish and just using me. My defense mechanisms are clicking back on. I don't think breaking it off with him will be difficult. I have one foot out the door now. When I said it was pathetic to be 35 and the best I could do was a MM. I was saying up until this point I haven't been able to find anyone I connected with, and when I finally did he happened to be married. It just worries me that I'll never find anyone I connect with who will be available. Again, your advice and encouragement is so appreciated. I really am happy to have found this site, it really has helped me open my eyes to this whole situation as well as motivate me to move on, so thank you
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