andrew23 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 She broke it off with me about 3 months ago out of the blue and with no good reasons, saying she needs some space etc. We never had a huge argument, so it was kind of a clean break up. Since then very little contact (basically NC) - she asked for space so I gave it to her- Occasionally she says she thinks about me or misses me etc, but generally we have been NC. In the long run I think there is potential for us to get back together although I am not counting on it, but it is clear we both still care deeply for another. Next week is her birthday, so my question is this: Do I send her a happy birthday text/email? Or don't I? What message does it send to her if i do or don't do anything? Will she think I'm an A-hole for not caring, what effect will not writing to her have? Any input appreciated. Thanks
9Lives Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 My ex who i care about broke up with me in August of this year. We had a very bad arguement 2 months later and vowed not to speak to each other ever again. Well that was 5 months ago. My birthday was this month and he DID email me happy birthday and I was glad to hear from him and that he didnt forget even tho we were on bad terms. So since she broke up with you and said she wanted space, I wouldnt do anything if it was me. BUT if you must make a appearance, I would email something very very short and simple. my ex said happy bday to ya. That was all. why did she break up with you and how long did you date. There has to be a reason.
Author andrew23 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 We were together for a year and a half.. very harmonious and loving relationship- no real reasons were given to me for the break up apart from, the usual: "its not you its me" - I love you, but not in-love" - "I need some time to figure things out". When I think back it may have been that I was too nice to her, always putting her on a pedestal, etc... its weird. Perhaps it was just G.I.G.S
Movingthrough Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I honestly think its up to you. I almost want to say that you should, but if she went on and on about needing space or whatever then give it to her and say nothing. While NC is something that needs to be done so you can get to a point where you arent so "into" or hurt by the person, i feel like its the actions after that make the difference if you were to say something as simple as "Happy B Day". In other words, if you sent that and knew you could have the discipline to not say anything if she answers back, then your good.
9Lives Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I honestly think its up to you. I almost want to say that you should, but if she went on and on about needing space or whatever then give it to her and say nothing. While NC is something that needs to be done so you can get to a point where you arent so "into" or hurt by the person, i feel like its the actions after that make the difference if you were to say something as simple as "Happy B Day". In other words, if you sent that and knew you could have the discipline to not say anything if she answers back, then your good. I agree whole heartly. Keep it simple and thats it. Again I didnt see the email until 3 days later but it was nice of him to do that little bit. I will say if you do too much, it will not make things better but probably worst. I wouldnt text or calll her for sure!!! simple email and that it. You need to really start working on getting on with your life. It the best thing to do.
Leandro Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Hmmmm. She did dump you and wanted space. I say give her all the space she wants. My ex's birthday is coming up soon too. I'm not going to say a word. She didn't tell me happy birthday, she left for another guy, and she wanted space. It's really up to you.
Author andrew23 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 I am pretty certain she didn't leave me for another guy, nor do I know if she is seeing somebody now, but I somehow doubt it as I would probably have found out by now through our friends. I wouldn't do it to get communication going, I'd do it just because I care for her and I know she would do the same for me. In the long run I want to remain a gentleman to her and not an A-hole who just doesn't care. However, not saying anything might get her worried that I am upset with her or don't care- I am questioning what kind of emotions it will stir up in her if I don't write.. Will it be more effective in her perhaps wanting me back in some way or another, as it will implant the sense of loss and make her think she's actually lost me - that I'm not here on standby for her. I know its a small thing, but I think girls place a lot of importance in birthdays and stuff.
danny1972 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 why would she think you are a ******* for not caring ? considering she was the one who broke it off right? she broke it off for a reason right? reasons you will not understand , sometimes we have to let someone go in order to get them back , dont contact her , she broke it off for a reason , give her some space let her figure out her own demons in her own time she needs space respect that if it's meant to be it will work it's self out , she will contact you , untill then the ball is in you're court , ....keep it real
Movingthrough Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Like i said, you have to be in a position where you are ok with it. I have had my up and down rollercoaster times, and have made a million threads on here. Slowly im starting to feel different though, before if i saw her, heard her name, or anything related to her, it would bring back feelings. Now it doesnt do anything. Thats not saying i dont have my times, and i still have things im working on, but NC is about getting to a point where things dont matter, not seeing how long you can hold out. If she called me right now i would not pick up, but if i accidentally did for some strange reason, it would be no big deal. I have accepted the fact that it cant work out now, maybe it never will, but def. not right now. My ex messaged me on my bday and i didnt answer, i wasnt in a place where i could yet.
soleharmony1123 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) Andrew23, Regardless of her reasons for wanting space, you should not contact her. She asked for space - give her all the space she needs - for your own sake. Wishing her a happy birthday is counterproductive. Keep your dignity in tact. The only way to do that is to go NC. It doesn't matter if her little feelings are hurt if you don't wish her a happy birthday. Does it seem she's at all concerned about your feelings. "I need space" is such a cowardly way of breaking up with someone. I know because the very same thing happened to me. It more or less states they want to "explore other options" without being mature enough to say so. They selfishly want to keep that door open just in case their "little quest" goes bellyup. How much does that indicate they think of us? The best gift or wish you can give your Ex at this time is the gift of MISSING you! It seemed like forever and I thought I'd be overjoyed at the time when my Ex would call and say he misses me and/or wants to hear my voice. So when it happened, those words just didn't have the effect I thought they would. He said everything except he was wrong and wanted to consider reconciliation. So, I became somewhat irritated. I had no desire to text or VM in response. But it was interesting to note because that's part of the process of NC whether or not you want an Ex back. If you go NC, chances are your Ex will get to the point where she will miss you - but her reasons for missing you will be what you watch out for. I am pretty certain she didn't leave me for another guy, nor do I know if she is seeing somebody now, but I somehow doubt it as I would probably have found out by now through our friends. I wouldn't do it to get communication going, I'd do it just because I care for her and I know she would do the same for me. In the long run I want to remain a gentleman to her and not an A-hole who just doesn't care. However, not saying anything might get her worried that I am upset with her or don't care- I am questioning what kind of emotions it will stir up in her if I don't write.. Will it be more effective in her perhaps wanting me back in some way or another, as it will implant the sense of loss and make her think she's actually lost me - that I'm not here on standby for her. I know its a small thing, but I think girls place a lot of importance in birthdays and stuff. Edited January 29, 2011 by soleharmony1123
ResetReality Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 absolute tosh! An ex is an ex, belong in the past and should stay there! I understand what you mean, clean break up, no arguments or whatever, end of the day, regardless of how it went, it still ended! any decent partner that was in love or wanted to make it work would of! stay silent! i wouldn't bother saying a word, my ex's bday is coming up soon! although she left me for another bloke, so its slightly different, i will NOT being saying anything! why should i? I dont wish strangers happy bday
Author andrew23 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) absolute tosh! any decent partner that was in love or wanted to make it work would of! those words run deep and make me not want to contact her.... but i am still torn. A friend (girl) told me yesterday that a man should always fight for what he loves and believes in.. Edited January 30, 2011 by andrew23
Author andrew23 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Anyone have any thoughts on what effects may result in not wishing a happy birthday? Girls are sensitive to these kind of things...
Author andrew23 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Andrew23, Regardless of her reasons for wanting space, you should not contact her. She asked for space - give her all the space she needs - for your own sake. The best gift or wish you can give your Ex at this time is the gift of MISSING you! If you go NC, chances are your Ex will get to the point where she will miss you - but her reasons for missing you will be what you watch out for. Very good points thanks for your input, I guess I will try not to write to her, although it goes against my intuition and I want to remain in a positive light with her. The thing with this girl is that our lives will forever be connected and we will always see each other at weddings, parties, etc due to the same friends, family friends, etc. So I can't just block her out forever and so want to ultimately be friends if nothing else works out...
january2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I sent LTR ex a card for his birthday, which was about a few months after our break up. He thanked me by email and that was that. Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't hear from him at all. Not a peep. Am I upset? Nope. Am I a little hurt? Perhaps just a smidge. Will I get over it? You betcha. For me, it's another sign that we're both moving on with our lives. I vote for not texting or contacting her on her birthday because it's unlikely that it will make much difference other than to meet/not meet her expectations - which you can't control nor should you be concerned about. But if you feel strongly that it goes against how you feel about yourself as a nice guy and that the right thing to do would be to text/contact her on her birthday, then by all means do so.
Author andrew23 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks January. Trying my best to stick to NC and not to come across as desperate or needy, so do you think sending her something will send the message that I am still just waiting for her and thinking about her non stop? The best approach is probably to make her feel that I have moved on, and that will make her realise what she's lost, however not sending anything might make me come across as if i'm hurt and sulking.. still not decided! WOW never thought I'd put so much thought into a silly thing like a birthday greeting- I must be going mad! Love sickness really messes with your head!!!!
january2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I think that you should do what you feel is the right thing to do - something that you won't regret and over-analyse at a later date.
soleharmony1123 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 The thing with this girl is that our lives will forever be connected and we will always see each other at weddings, parties, etc due to the same friends, family friends, etc. So I can't just block her out forever. I can relate to this 100% as my Ex's family and mine have been long-time friends for many years. A challenge, indeed. But I can be cordial with my Ex if/when occasions arise where it's difficult to avoid contact. But being cordial doesn't mean I will go out of my way to interact with him, unless absolutely necessary. Anything beyond that, I intend to maintain no contact with him by any means necessary, unless our situation were to change quite drastically. There's one thing to consider when being unwilling to go against your intuition and that is - you will continue to be the guy she rejects because you're still being Mr. Nice Guy - no sign of a change in you. There must be positive change in you. No one respects a Mr. Nice Guy nor a Ms. Nice Girl and since they're both "syndromes" we have to battle the "disease." Remember the saying "insanity is always doing what we've always done and expecting different results?" Flip modes! I'm not suggesting you become an all-out bastard with your Ex. By no means! But you must allow her to see you in a different light, if you are to ever be successful in getting her back. Ultimately, Andrew23, you've gotta stop worrying yourself with how this woman is going to view your actions. It doesn't matter how she views your not sending a b/day greeting. Wishing you the best whichever "road" you take! -Sole Very good points thanks for your input, I guess I will try not to write to her, although it goes against my intuition and I want to remain in a positive light with her. So I can't just block her out forever and so want to ultimately be friends if nothing else works out...
Author andrew23 Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 There's one thing to consider when being unwilling to go against your intuition and that is - you will continue to be the guy she rejects because you're still being Mr. Nice Guy - no sign of a change in you. There must be positive change in you. No one respects a Mr. Nice Guy nor a Ms. Nice Girl and since they're both "syndromes" we have to battle the "disease." Remember the saying "insanity is always doing what we've always done and expecting different results?" Flip modes! -Sole Yes being Mr Nice Guy is possibly a disease I have.. flipping modes is probably a good idea. Thanks for your input Soleharmony....
Author andrew23 Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 any more thoughts? still procrastinating. Thinking of sending a simple "happy birthday darling xx" - or does that come across as desperate.. (to much Mr Nice Guy) not expecting any dialogue from it or anything, just to let her know i care.. Wish I could just get over this girl but i can't, too many amazing memories together!
TheThinker Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Hi Andrew I said it to oldSOULe earlier and i think it rings true again in this instance. People can give you all the advice in the world, wether it be friends, family, people on this forum but you have to ultimately make the decision in what you need to do ... Just be assured in yourself that you are making that decision for a reason If you feel that it is going to set you back then no its not something that you should do. If you feel that you can do it without thinking about it all day then yes by all means go for it. Thinking of sending a simple "happy birthday darling xx" - or does that come across as desperate.. Personally and my situation is very different to yours and i dont know the ins and outs of how you are when you are around her etc or how you speak to her but i would put something along the lines of "Happy Birthday, hope you have a good day" ... Leave off the kisses and the darling as that sounds to me like something you would put if you were still in a relationshop with her her.
Author andrew23 Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Thanks Thinker- think i will just send her a generic "happy birthday" text and leave it at that. My birthday is in 3 weeks and I am pretty sure she will contact me then anyway... who knows. Getting to figure out the female psyche is tough. Whatever you do its the wrong thing.
spackle Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 thing is, we can't predict how our actions wiil be read. She may think it was sweet of you, she may think, look at this fool! Do what you have to do. But whatever you do you're going to have mixed feelings over. If it makes you feel any better I told someone to feck off on their birthday, it's not big and it's not clever but I was hurt and I wanted to lash out. I then apologied 2weeks later. Don't know which was worse, reacting out of anger or admitting it.
TheThinker Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Thanks Thinker- think i will just send her a generic "happy birthday" text and leave it at that. My birthday is in 3 weeks and I am pretty sure she will contact me then anyway... who knows. Getting to figure out the female psyche is tough. Whatever you do its the wrong thing. Same boat - my birthday is next week on the monday - i dont know how its going to pan out to be honest, i sort of think that i am happy to write this year off for my birthday and do nothing but my friends arent having any of that I am in contact as i cant break it due to my daughter but the contact is limited and she doesnt like the fact that i am doing it. I told her not to buy me anything but she said she isnt listening
Author andrew23 Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Well in my case I am not fishing for contact since she occasionally contacts me... suggested last week that we have dinner one of these days and wrote "call me... I am around and would really love to see you"- Thing is I don't want to go flooding in as soon as she opens the gates.... want her to make a proper effort if we are to meet up or anything. Birthday wish would just be out of courtesy I guess and to remind her that I do think about her....
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