Why is having an A easier than getting a D ?

[Distant78]

Oh you want to know about me? Easy do a search on my name, that will tell you all you want to know.

 

Selfish posts? It's called the truth like it or not.

 

Tell you I have stayed away from your posts for a long time but the broad brush strokes you use based on your one experience with your husband have gotten to be to much. Everyones reasons for cheating or not cheating are different. Just like the reasons people stay or leave crappy jobs.

 

The much talked about "do the hard discussion to fix things before cheating" that is a bunch of crap too. I have yet to see where complaining about a relationship has done any good a addressing the problems. Seems it takes something like an affair to make those "issues" actually mean something.

 

It doesn't take an affair to make those "issues" actually mean something, it only causes more problems and shows how the selfish cheater can't handle a relationship. If the issues are not solved verbally after a certain amount of time, then the spouse knows they should separate or divorce. Not cheating and then like a dumbass, blameshift their poor choice on the betrayed spouse. Getting cock/coochie and attention from someone else is not going to solve issues in their own relationship. That's stupid and doesn't make sense.

[pureinheart]

Oh please stop with the broad brush strokes.

 

For men the answer is easy

 

1) Yep be in a hurry to NOT see your children every day, since most states give custody to the mother.

 

2) Yep be in a hurry to pay child support and possibly alimony.

 

3) Yep be in a hurry to give away a comfortable life.

 

4) Only on sites like this do I meet you fantasy folks that break up with someone before finding someone else. Out of the thousands of people I have meet in my life I have yet to find people like you in real life.

 

An affair is cheap and allows you to keep everything you have until you are either done with it or found a reasonable replacement.

 

Interesting, and this is so the truth, even exDM with his kids grown feared loosing his kids (he had lost them anyway) due to the influence his ex had throughout their growing years. While he was working (sometimes 96 hrs per week, no exaggeration BTW) his W stayed home and tended to the kids. I think she met their physical needs, although emotionally it was a tug-of-war with the kids being the "rope"...of course he lost because he was feeding four kids and a W that loved to spend money.

 

In bold, this concept has confounded me also. It's not what I saw either.

 

Excellent views PKN:)

[bentnotbroken]

Oh please stop with the broad brush strokes.

 

For men the answer is easy

 

1) Yep be in a hurry to NOT see your children every day, since most states give custody to the mother.

 

2) Yep be in a hurry to pay child support and possibly alimony.

 

3) Yep be in a hurry to give away a comfortable life.

 

4) Only on sites like this do I meet you fantasy folks that break up with someone before finding someone else. Out of the thousands of people I have meet in my life I have yet to find people like you in real life.

 

An affair is cheap and allows you to keep everything you have until you are either done with it or found a reasonable replacement.

 

 

Thank you. Guys you hear that...we aren't real. :lmao::lmao: According to him the thousands of people he has met in real life all have affairs. Wonder where he is hanging out:confused:

[bentnotbroken]

Interesting, and this is so the truth, even exDM with his kids grown feared loosing his kids (he had lost them anyway) due to the influence his ex had throughout their growing years. While he was working (sometimes 96 hrs per week, no exaggeration BTW) his W stayed home and tended to the kids. I think she met their physical needs, although emotionally it was a tug-of-war with the kids being the "rope"...of course he lost because he was feeding four kids and a W that loved to spend money.

 

In bold, this concept has confounded me also. It's not what I saw either.

 

Excellent views PKN:)

 

 

Wow! surprised he had the energy to cheat.

[Distant78]

Interesting, and this is so the truth, even exDM with his kids grown feared loosing his kids (he had lost them anyway) due to the influence his ex had throughout their growing years. While he was working (sometimes 96 hrs per week, no exaggeration BTW) his W stayed home and tended to the kids. I think she met their physical needs, although emotionally it was a tug-of-war with the kids being the "rope"...of course he lost because he was feeding four kids and a W that loved to spend money.

 

In bold, this concept has confounded me also. It's not what I saw either.

 

Excellent views PKN:)

 

Nice for you to pain the wife as the Devil, yet you were spending time with her man. It's funny he worked so long and he managed to get some booty on the side. That's some "hard work."LOL!!!

[pureinheart]

Dramatic much? Seems you can't have a conversation without name calling, talk about childish behavior.

 

Yes all about the BS's and how they are hurting (how touching); goes back to that old discussion of who's sin is worse. Basically comes down to the one that affects you is the one you care about.

 

Easier oh yes for the reasons I listed above, why don't you address those instead of the pat answers of childish name calling?

 

Oh to add to my reasons above:

 

You can become so numb to a crappy relationship you don't know that it is crappy until someone else shows you different. So divorce when you really don't know your relationship sucks because you are just numb to it? Yeah that makes sense.

 

Name calling is the name of the game for most...among the favorites are, cheater, liar, selfish etc. are the more popular ones.

 

In my case I showed exSO (exDM) that their was a better way, so he found that the D untimately was easier....he was scared sh*tless of loosing his stuff though! (He didn't BTW, and the courts are changing)

[bentnotbroken]

Name calling is the name of the game for most...among the favorites are, cheater, liar, selfish etc. are the more popular ones.

 

In my case I showed exSO (exDM) that their was a better way, so he found that the D untimately was easier....he was scared sh*tless of loosing his stuff though! (He didn't BTW, and the courts are changing)

 

 

See! He stopped being a cheater, liar and selfish and moved on to a much better life. Divorces are not fun but they can be done and everyone gets a better life.

[wheelwright]

Not all spouses reconcile, some divorce (as a result of the A), so the result is the same whether they want a D or not. Why having an ugly divorce while both can walk away with dignity and integrity ?

 

I guess, like Bent said, it is all about 1/maturity to handle the situation and the 2/fact that no one thinks about the dday, they just enjoy the moment.

 

Interesting thread East.

 

Part of me wishes I walked away with above before A. What stopped me was not cowardice, but fear which is different. Fear that I might be wrong, even though that had been my feeling for years.

 

I honestly felt I needed to connect with another in order to see clearly. I also had failed when trying to talk to H about my (our) problems - though the sex improved, and in fact was very good, my feelings made it meaningless to me. Then the A.

 

I didn't think about DDay - xMOM said it meant he'd be kicked out. And telling H would have meant that would happen. I (immaturely) assumed he wouldn't tell his W, but he did and I was forced to tell H.

 

However, I did know that having this secret R and secret feelings meant I could not stay with my H. The house was on the market. I went and told my neighbours we were splitting and going. Honestly, I don't know where I was immature, but I can verify exactly which elements of my story broke my heart, my H's heart and trust, or affected the children involved. And I feel empathy for all concerned.

 

I think the most accurate way to state what happened in my case - it was a gamble on love. It may be true that I gambled wrong. But people too staid to take that chance strike me as half dead. Which I am now of course. Or maybe just more mature.

 

On Sunday I spent the day with my 8 year-old neice. We found a fallen tree that spanned the pond perfectly. We broke ice with big sticks, and then played ice-hockey with broken ice diamonds using the sticks. I don't think the 5 year old inside me that's still alive is all that bad.

 

There's immaturity, and then again there's lack of life and resting on you laurels. Now I'm not preaching. People have their ways and maturity has its place. But if a love like you have never experienced beckons, society and personal choices mean you won't have it to last, then I am not sure maturity is the answer.

 

That's not to say cheating is good. But climbing over a fallen tree with your neice feeling the flow that is happiness. Can't be wrong hey?

 

But I have to admit, the water was too cold and I wasn't in my walking boots. I told her let's wait till Spring to do it.

 

Anyway, this post is mainly in response to those who think cheaters are like 5-year-olds. Can't say I see it as an insult.

[Distant78]

Interesting thread East.

 

Part of me wishes I walked away with above before A. What stopped me was not cowardice, but fear which is different. Fear that I might be wrong, even though that had been my feeling for years.

 

I honestly felt I needed to connect with another in order to see clearly. I also had failed when trying to talk to H about my (our) problems - though the sex improved, and in fact was very good, my feelings made it meaningless to me. Then the A.

 

I didn't think about DDay - xMOM said it meant he'd be kicked out. And telling H would have meant that would happen. I (immaturely) assumed he wouldn't tell his W, but he did and I was forced to tell H.

 

However, I did know that having this secret R and secret feelings meant I could not stay with my H. The house was on the market. I went and told my neighbours we were splitting and going. Honestly, I don't know where I was immature, but I can verify exactly which elements of my story broke my heart, my H's heart and trust, or affected the children involved. And I feel empathy for all concerned.

 

I think the most accurate way to state what happened in my case - it was a gamble on love. It may be true that I gambled wrong. But people too staid to take that chance strike me as half dead. Which I am now of course. Or maybe just more mature.

 

On Sunday I spent the day with my 8 year-old neice. We found a fallen tree that spanned the pond perfectly. We broke ice with big sticks, and then played ice-hockey with broken ice diamonds using the sticks. I don't think the 5 year old inside me that's still alive is all that bad.

 

There's immaturity, and then again there's lack of life and resting on you laurels. Now I'm not preaching. People have their ways and maturity has its place. But if a love like you have never experienced beckons, society and personal choices mean you won't have it to last, then I am not sure maturity is the answer.

 

That's not to say cheating is good. But climbing over a fallen tree with your neice feeling the flow that is happiness. Can't be wrong hey?

 

But I have to admit, the water was too cold and I wasn't in my walking boots. I told her let's wait till Spring to do it.

 

Anyway, this post is mainly in response to those who think cheaters are like 5-year-olds. Can't say I see it as an insult.

 

And when it's all said and done, cheaters are still like 5-year-olds.

[kaysun]

Oh please stop with the broad brush strokes.

 

For men the answer is easy

 

1) Yep be in a hurry to NOT see your children every day, since most states give custody to the mother.

 

I don't get to see my kids everyday, and that's very hard, but I already know I won't have anything less than joint custody.

 

2) Yep be in a hurry to pay child support and possibly alimony.

 

I also know I won't have to pay child support or alimony.

 

3) Yep be in a hurry to give away a comfortable life.

 

In choosing to divorce my cheating wife, I know I'm "giving away" what once was a comfortable life. I was also taught at a young age that the truth isn't always comfortable, but yet it's the right thing to do.

 

4) Only on sites like this do I meet you fantasy folks that break up with someone before finding someone else. Out of the thousands of people I have meet in my life I have yet to find people like you in real life.

 

Out of the thousands of people I know, very few find someone else before leaving the relationship they're currently in. If the relationship isn't working for them, they end it, and most of those that do end it, don't even want to be in a relationship for awhile after that.

 

An affair is cheap and allows you to keep everything you have until you are either done with it or found a reasonable replacement.

 

I had a friend say almost this exact same line, except that he was referencing his old car and finances. I never thought I would hear that same line when the reference was a person / relationship.

 

 

 

See above.

[wheelwright]

And when it's all said and done, cheaters are still like 5-year-olds.

 

And if we think of 5-year-olds as people who are exploring and experiencing, making mistakes, learning, having fun, being innocent -feeling things for the first time. How old are you?

[bentnotbroken]

And if we think of 5-year-olds as people who are exploring and experiencing, making mistakes, learning, having fun, being innocent -feeling things for the first time. How old are you?

 

 

This IMO is the difference between children and a married adult with children. It is good to have a child like enthusiasm for life, but not a child like ignorance of the consequences of actions.

[pkn06002]

kaysun - thanks for responding to my post without the typical name calling and actually addressing the reasons. Interesting thing about your post is like a lot of people it was forced upon you. Always interested in asking this question to someone like you. Were you happy in the marriage if not why did you stay married?

 

To respond to one comment you made, yes I now look at a marriage as a business deal plan and simple. I stupidly bought into the idea of love and all the other garbage driven by brain chemicals.

 

I am curious where are all these people that leave one relationship before going into another one? I have yet to ever date a girl/woman from the age I was 15 on that ever did that? Are they religious or what?

[wheelwright]

This IMO is the difference between children and a married adult with children. It is good to have a child like enthusiasm for life, but not a child like ignorance of the consequences of actions.

 

I wasn't ignorant. I hoped. I gambled. It felt right. It was as if not gambling on that feeling would be a death worse than what I would enounter otherwise.

 

I was childish and perhaps foolish.

 

And now I can dance. Before I was too stuck and self-conscious. ? ?

 

And a childish ignorance is the whole point of the joy of learning. Being.

 

Bringing that into adult responsibility is the joy and pain of life.

 

BUT I would say that ethical progression is deep and individuals need to search far before they approximate something actually decent. I am always suspicious when people have already arrived. x

[bentnotbroken]

I wasn't ignorant. I hoped. I gambled. It felt right. It was as if not gambling on that feeling would be a death worse than what I would enounter otherwise.

 

I was childish and perhaps foolish.

 

And now I can dance. Before I was too stuck and self-conscious. ? ?

 

And a childish ignorance is the whole point of the joy of learning. Being.

 

Bringing that into adult responsibility is the joy and pain of life.

 

BUT I would say that ethical progression is deep and individuals need to search far before they approximate something actually decent. I am always suspicious when people have already arrived. x

 

 

So you knew the deep reaching effect that the affair would have on those involved and those caught in the fallout. WOW and you still had the affair? I used the the term ignorant because unless you thought through every possible scenario of how things "could" go...you were ignorant to that fact. But if you prefer your terms...not a problem for me.

[pkn06002]

See! He stopped being a cheater, liar and selfish and moved on to a much better life. Divorces are not fun but they can be done and everyone gets a better life.

 

Can I ask you what is your definition of "better life"?

 

Improved housing?

Better school district?

More quality time with each parent?

[wheelwright]

So you knew the deep reaching effect that the affair would have on those involved and those caught in the fallout. WOW and you still had the affair? I used the the term ignorant because unless you thought through every possible scenario of how things "could" go...you were ignorant to that fact. But if you prefer your terms...not a problem for me.

 

I'm in a funny mood so forgive me.

 

Who is the one to say what an individual is ignorant of?

 

God?

 

I like God.

 

The Bible is another matter, as it is obviously a book of its time.

 

Why do YOU think you know better than me?

 

Do you know God better?

 

Why exactly do you a) think you are better than cheaters and b) think you are better than me?

[bentnotbroken]

I'm in a funny mood so forgive me.

 

Who is the one to say what an individual is ignorant of?

 

God?

 

I like God.

 

The Bible is another matter, as it is obviously a book of its time.

 

Why do YOU think you know better than me?

 

Do you know God better?

 

Why exactly do you a) think you are better than cheaters and b) think you are better than me?

 

 

I forgive you. I get in those moods sometimes myself. But I never said I was better. Have never felt better , but definitely felt different. It is a mindset I don't get. I used the term ignorant...you didn't. I am cool with whatever term you wish to use.

 

I don't know if you know God or how well. I only know what I know of Him which is never enough. Do I think I am better than cheaters...not at all. We are all sinners. Do I think I am better than you....I don't know...how can I answer that without repeating my answer to the previous question?

 

I am not sure what you are looking for...but ignorance isn't hard to see. Yes, it is viewed through one's ethnocentric lens. Different cultures, backgrounds and genders lend to differing views of ignorance.

[kaysun]

kaysun - thanks for responding to my post without the typical name calling and actually addressing the reasons. Interesting thing about your post is like a lot of people it was forced upon you. Always interested in asking this question to someone like you. Were you happy in the marriage if not why did you stay married?

 

To answer your question, yes, I was happily married.

 

My STBX-W's affair started in Oct. '08 and ended in Jan. '10, 14 months long. The affair started, almost to the day, a month after we celebrated our daughter's 2nd b-day. My son would of been 3. I've read all about how women have to have this emotional connection with someone before they have a physical relationship, especially if they're married. That didn't happen in my instance. My W told me she had sex, unprotected sex, with him without really knowing him at all, basically his name, job title and about 45 minutes of talking that night. The emotional side of it came after that very first night when they started corresponding daily.

 

It didn't take me long to figure out something was amiss but I would of never of thought it would of been an affair. When I asked if something was wrong, she said she was fine. If I increased the affection, she told me it was to much. If I asked if there was someone else, she told me no. It didn't matter what I said, asked or did, it wasn't right for her.

 

I knew something was wrong but I still trusted my W and believed her that she wasn't doing this. I wrongly assumed it was just the trials of a young family going thru life and doing the best to adjust to it.

 

To respond to one comment you made, yes I now look at a marriage as a business deal plan and simple. I stupidly bought into the idea of love and all the other garbage driven by brain chemicals.

 

As hard as this is to say right now, I still believe in the idea of love. I think maybe more so because when I walk my little girl down the isle and she looks at me and says, "I love him", I want to say, "I know", and believe it. For her.

 

I am curious where are all these people that leave one relationship before going into another one? I have yet to ever date a girl/woman from the age I was 15 on that ever did that? Are they religious or what?

 

They're all around you. I, honestly, have yet to go from one relationship into another without some kind of break in between. As far as religion, I'm more of an E & C kind of guy, and some years not even that.

 

 

 

Sorry for the delay as I had to put the kids to sleep. A little ironic that we read the story of King Midas and then I post on an Infidelity forum.

[wheelwright]

I forgive you. I get in those moods sometimes myself. But I never said I was better. Have never felt better , but definitely felt different. It is a mindset I don't get. I used the term ignorant...you didn't. I am cool with whatever term you wish to use.

 

I don't know if you know God or how well. I only know what I know of Him which is never enough. Do I think I am better than cheaters...not at all. We are all sinners. Do I think I am better than you....I don't know...how can I answer that without repeating my answer to the previous question?

 

I am not sure what you are looking for...but ignorance isn't hard to see. Yes, it is viewed through one's ethnocentric lens. Different cultures, backgrounds and genders lend to differing views of ignorance.

 

I liked your answer. But it felt impersonal? like you'd have said it anyway.

 

Anyway, with the sinners question I can't see why you weren't right there on the button. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW? (sorry for shouting).

 

I feel you implied my ignorance is so obvious -

 

I confess - if you had stated it one way or another clearly I would know what I was up against

 

And another thing, how can a sinner know?

[woinlove]

 

For men the answer is easy

 

1) Yep be in a hurry to NOT see your children every day, since most states give custody to the mother.

 

2) Yep be in a hurry to pay child support and possibly alimony.

 

3) Yep be in a hurry to give away a comfortable life.

 

4) Only on sites like this do I meet you fantasy folks that break up with someone before finding someone else. Out of the thousands of people I have meet in my life I have yet to find people like you in real life.

 

An affair is cheap and allows you to keep everything you have until you are either done with it or found a reasonable replacement.

 

1-3 & the bolded would seem to capture some MM. Not sure about 4 - it must depend on the circles one moves in. I know such people, although a lot of people I know marry and stay married, so there isn't any breaking up.

 

In general, divorce is a life-changing event, while many people start an affair thinking it is much less. An affair may end up being a life-changing event, with divorce and more, but I don't think most WS think that when the affair starts. Since many people resist change, it is not surprising that some (who can stomach the deception required) may choose an affair more readily than divorce.

[bentnotbroken]

I liked your answer. But it felt impersonal? like you'd have said it anyway.

 

Anyway, with the sinners question I can't see why you weren't right there on the button. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW? (sorry for shouting).

 

I feel you implied my ignorance is so obvious -

 

I confess - if you had stated it one way or another clearly I would know what I was up against

 

And another thing, how can a sinner know?

 

No I don't think ignorance is obvious, just the opposite. Ignorance is when we don't think things through fully. Look at all the possibilities. It is a part of most of us. Especially when we find reasons not to. This is what I meant when I said....

 

So you knew the deep reaching effect that the affair would have on those involved and those caught in the fallout. WOW and you still had the affair?

 

Who could figure out each and every possible scenario? I guess I don't know what you want me to say. I "don't know". I sin and I will as long as I breath. That's how a sinner knows...if you are breathing, you are probably committing some sin. Does that make me better or worse than you and the sin you commit? Not in God's eyes. Different sin, same funk.

[wheelwright]

No I don't think ignorance is obvious, just the opposite. Ignorance is when we don't think things through fully. Look at all the possibilities. It is a part of most of us. Especially when we find reasons not to. This is what I meant when I said....

 

 

 

Who could figure out each and every possible scenario? I guess I don't know what you want me to say. I "don't know". I sin and I will as long as I breath. That's how a sinner knows...if you are breathing, you are probably committing some sin. Does that make me better or worse than you and the sin you commit? Not in God's eyes. Different sin, same funk.

 

I don't know is good. Yep. Answers the question too.

[moloko]

Hahahaha! So let me ask you: You are in favor of men having affairs?

 

Are you a MM?

 

I think he is someone that blamed his wife for their problems, therefore blaming her for his decisions.

[Distant78]

And if we think of 5-year-olds as people who are exploring and experiencing, making mistakes, learning, having fun, being innocent -feeling things for the first time. How old are you?

 

Like Bent said, good to have fun, but not to be ignorant of the obvious.