Why is having an A easier than getting a D ?

[East7]

Just wondering, I have never been married, but what I have noticed reading many stories here, it sounds like MP pick the easy way out, having an A rather than being honest either working on their M or getting a D ?

 

Not ALL, but many M are dysfunctional before the A starts, so why taking the ugly exit rather than doing things properly ?

 

The irony at the end is that an A causes as much devastation, if not more, than a plain simple D can inflict.

 

I know about the "cake-eating" syndrome but I guess because an A is easy to start and hard to end while a D is hard to start and easy to end.

 

Thoughts?

Edited January 29, 2011 by East7

[dreamingoftigers]

One compound word: paperwork.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

That's easy....Divorce implies lonliness and change....You will be alone after a divorce at least initially. You will also have enormous change from living standard, housing, visitation with kids, etc. An affair immediately fills whatever emptiness, emotional or physical need one has without all the initial complications. It's not until the affair is exposed that the complications occurs. When someone is acting selfishly and cowardly which cheaters are, they aren't thinking of D-day. They are only thinking of their immediate needs. A cheater is not unlike a 5 year old.

[bentnotbroken]

To add to what the previous posters have said, I also believe it has something to do with perceptions. People do not want to be seen as failures. Divorce implies failure and it should not. For some of us it means success. Success at taking control of one's life, success at rediscovering your talents, interests and independence.

 

Also some people are just comfortable with doing the wrong thing no matter who it hurts. Doing what's right is very seldom easy. It requires that sometimes you deal with the unpleasantness of life and where you might actually have to deal with your life like an adult should. A lot of people don't want to do that.

[LucreziaBorgia]

A good deal of people who go into affairs don't want divorces. They just want to supplement what they already have. One of the biggest mistakes I see OW/OM making is assuming that 'having an affair' = 'wanting/intending to divorce'. Of course, the MW/MM will drop the 'd' word and claim misery often as a necessity to keep the affair going, so it is easy for OW/OM to assume that a divorce will actually happen eventually.

 

Bottom line - if a divorce was not in the cards before the affair, it isn't likely to be during one either.

 

It is a matter of the MM/MW choosing what they see as the lesser of the evils I guess when it comes to solving whatever issues they are having with feeling the need to be with someone else without letting go of what they already have.

Edited January 29, 2011 by LucreziaBorgia

[Cee]

My ex husband had an affair and didn't want to divorce me. And the married woman he had an affair with definitely did not want to divorce her millionaire husband.

 

I left my ex husband because he was emotionally unavailable and acted like he didn't care about me. I knew nothing about the affair and he told me after the separation. And he begged me to come back even though it was clear that the affair was still going on.

 

I cannot believe how brazen he was to think he could have his cake and eat it too. He is one effed up dude & I am glad to be rid of him.

[East7]

The IRONY of the situation is that if it was about the money/papers, what is saved from divorce lawyers is spent with MC/IC after Dday.

 

Not all spouses reconcile, some divorce (as a result of the A), so the result is the same whether they want a D or not. Why having an ugly divorce while both can walk away with dignity and integrity ?

 

I guess, like Bent said, it is all about 1/maturity to handle the situation and the 2/fact that no one thinks about the dday, they just enjoy the moment.

[issohard]

In my situation ( I am MW and had A with MM ) I did not have opportunity to choose. It went so quickly when I fall in love. I was even thinking about D before I met my MM. To start D or even start talking about it is not easy, you have to prepare to turn your life of 360 degrees and here is when A partners changing their minds and rather to suffer and be unhappy for everything their have build up for many years. The money gets involved and kids get involved and they dont want to change their life for some many complications. Also there is insecurity what happens I'd they get D and they AP decide to leave..

[Spark1111]

Good question East!

 

One I have asked many, many times.

 

I forgave him developing feelings for another, but was so devastated by the secrecy and lies he told to my face to continue to have that relationship...and his consequent negativity and criticism we had to endure because of it.

 

I asked several times, why not tell me the truth? We could have separated, gone to counseling to see if there was a marriage worth saving, and I would have been afforded the same opportunity to date others.

 

Taking conflict avoidance, low self-esteem and poor communication skills as a given among many cheaters, I truly believe he DID NOT WANT ME TO DATE OTHERS. Selfish! He wanted to maintain the semblance of STATUS QUO much more than I did. He wanted both of us. Period.

 

I begged him what's wrong, let's go to counseling, why are you so angry with us all the time? He refused.

 

It is the ultimate in selfishness to lie, deceive and then prevent your spouse from exploring the possibility of someone new to share a relationship with. Truly manipulative and controlling ultimately. He could never of handled it!

 

But we would have had so much more respect for him had he told the truth at the get go of the affair, as much as that would have hurt, it still would have been the mature and honest thing to do.

 

But then, I guess, it wouldn't have been an affair now would it? It would have been a relationship.

 

And for some, the illicit nature of doing something forbidden heightens all the romantic interest.

 

In fact, at DDAY, when I told him to go get her.....it went pssssst very quickly, a couple of weeks. No one was more stunned than I.

 

According to him, he had never intended to divorce me and sideswiped every question from her regarding their future together. But she allowed that also.

 

He also never intended to get caught, which is laughable. I think he wanted to get caught cause he was in too deep and did not know how to extricate himself from HER!

 

It would have been kinder to everyone in the triangle, but then that would have required courage and maturity.

[Spark1111]

PS: He had always presented himself as a paragon of virtuous fatherhood and was extremely kind to her young son.

 

So, his excuses always had to do with the "kids" which is sorta funny too. They were all young adults, the last off to college.

 

Then it had to become reaching financial goals before he could take care of her and her son forever.

 

I mean, she and I are both professionals who make a good living. At DDAY I told him I don't need your money. Let's split things amicably and move on.

 

I mean on some level, she had to allow or buy into this delusion of waiting, WAITING, WAITING.......

[East7]

In my situation ( I am MW and had A with MM ) I did not have opportunity to choose. It went so quickly when I fall in love. I was even thinking about D before I met my MM. To start D or even start talking about it is not easy,

 

No I guess it is not, but an A is not easy to handle either.

 

you have to prepare to turn your life of 360 degrees and here is when A partners changing their minds and rather to suffer and be unhappy for everything their have build up for many years. The money gets involved and kids get involved and they dont want to change their life for some many complications. Also there is insecurity what happens I'd they get D and they AP decide to leave..

 

Yes you might have build wonderful things through the years, but if you want to keep it you work to make it better or you take the courage to change your life and be free to find another partner.

 

So if I understand one of your concerns was if you get a D, what if your MM doesn't ? I understand that, but again, it is not fair to your H or to his W. Is it fair to keep someone in "hostage" because you can't find better or you aren't sure to find better ?

 

IMO MW and MM act differently. I think MW often plan their exit, they always make sure there is a parachute to feel safe and move out, while MM act more in a cake-eating mode (they enjoy the harem).

[Billy_Boy]

Because people are cowards.

[Trimmer]

Interesting question...

 

I know about the "cake-eating" syndrome but I guess because an A is easy to start and hard to end while a D is hard to start and easy to end.

Let me expand on that thought a little bit, from the perspective of short-term vs long-term thinking. (I'm going to use "him" here, but it goes both ways...) As a thought experiment, lLet's you could fit a person with some kind of "blinders" that would restrict him from seeing, perceiving, or considering the long-term consequences of his behavior. Then let's consider what he would think of (a) honestly working on problems in a relationship, (b) starting a divorce, and © having an affair.

 

In the short term, with no view to long-term consequences, (a) working on the relationship looks like a lot of difficult work for little short-term gain. (b) Starting a divorce looks like dropping a nuclear bomb. © looks like having drinks with a friend, talking things out with a coworker, or something like that.

 

So I don't think that a lot of affairs are entered by someone who lays out these three options before himself, and then weighs the pros, considers the possible outcomes, and picks a course of action. (...which is not to say that your question isn't an interesting one, as demonstrated by all the thoughtful replies...) I think that most of the time, an affair is an incremental process, a slippery slope that is aided by (a) short term thinking, and (b) our substantial human ability to deceive ourselves. "How did I get here? I never imagined being this kind of person..." "I didn't mean for this to happen." "What was I thinking, you ask? I really wasn't thinking..." All right out of the script.

 

So in summary, we generally avoid big sudden changes (throwing the bomb of "divorce"), we generally avoid things that don't pay off in the short term (slow, steady, difficult "working on our relationship" with no guarantee of a benefit), and in contrast to those, the entry into an affair is like boiling a frog - each small step is something that feels good, and takes us only a little tiny bit past the last step, allowing us to convince ourselves - to deceive ourselves - that we're still OK, we haven't really "done anything" yet, you know, officially, "technically", you know....

 

Until the water is nearly boiling, and it's too late to jump out, and the only options are to continue the deception, or to drop a different kind of nuclear bomb.

 

He also never intended to get caught, which is laughable.

Yeah, at the beginning, like I said above, it probably seems like "just friends" not a big deal, nothing to get caught about. That self-deception gives cover for a while, until at some point the situation flips and you've got a situation that you can no longer fail to acknowledge is a problem, and the behavior flips to active deception.

 

This reminds me of a kind of engineering system called a "bistable" system. It is stable in either of two states, but flips rapidly between them with no ability to remain stable anywhere in the middle. Initially, an affair participant is "stable" as long as he can maintain the self-deception that it's "no big deal", "just friends", "haven't technically done anything" etc. Then at some point, the self-deception is stressed to the point that it can no longer be maintained, the self acknowledges the truth internally, and the system flips to its other "stable" state, that of active, knowing deception of others. Heh heh, and I call that "stable" only in the sense of the engineering analogy...

 

Now, having said all of that, what's the common thread of those NOT engaging in affairs (other than the cynical answer that "they just haven't had the opportunity yet..." ) I believe it's a two-parter: a combination of an ability, a skill, a habit of always being cognizant of long-term consequences of one's behavior, coupled with an unflinching self-honesty. Or as an analogy: the ability to press the "Fast-Forward" button on one's own life with an honest and clear knowledge of one's own feelings, motivations, and emotional structure, and to clearly and honestly see how things might play out for those involved.

 

And oh yeah, emapthy. So three things, then.

[East7]

Excellent post Trimmer, thanks

[Spark1111]

Trimmer, I like your bistable theory of stability and it rings true!

 

But, saying "we're just friends" and "nothing has happened yet" shows a child's version of right and wrong, don't you agree? It is a black and white view of what is right and wrong based on a technicality.

 

It lacks both unflinching honesty and empathy. It is like the adolescents (and some grown ups) who believe any sexual act other than intercourse is really not cheating?

 

The correct and mature view is: How would I feel if my SO was flirting, laughing, texting, and initating intimate conversations with a member of the opposite sex?

 

That is the only way some people can grow a conscience.

[NoIDidn't]

Now, having said all of that, what's the common thread of those NOT engaging in affairs (other than the cynical answer that "they just haven't had the opportunity yet..." ) I believe it's a two-parter: a combination of an ability, a skill, a habit of always being cognizant of long-term consequences of one's behavior, coupled with an unflinching self-honesty. Or as an analogy: the ability to press the "Fast-Forward" button on one's own life with an honest and clear knowledge of one's own feelings, motivations, and emotional structure, and to clearly and honestly see how things might play out for those involved.

 

And oh yeah, emapthy. So three things, then.

 

 

Great post, Trimmer! Even though I didn't quote the entire post.

 

I figure people cheat rather than get divorces because divorces don't feel good and cheating does. Or they haven't decided to get a divorce, they want to stay married and have some pleasure on the side that they don't feel they will ever get from their spouse. And they tend to think they won't ever get caught.

[whichwayisup]

Because they don't want to change everything, every aspect of their life and lose what they have. it's easier to cheat and pretend all is okay at home, rather than open up and communicate, put effort in and do counselling or just TALK IT OUT. Yeah its' selfish and self serving all on the expense of the BS, and family, but they don't care enough to do any changes to make things better at home.

[Spark1111]

Because they don't want to change everything, every aspect of their life and lose what they have. it's easier to cheat and pretend all is okay at home, rather than open up and communicate, put effort in and do counselling or just TALK IT OUT. Yeah its' selfish and self serving all on the expense of the BS, and family, but they don't care enough to do any changes to make things better at home.

 

I agree WWIU! And why is that?

 

Because they are chronic complainers and blamers. Their unhappiness, is ALWAYS someone else's fault!

[pkn06002]

I agree WWIU! And why is that?

 

Because they are chronic complainers and blamers. Their unhappiness, is ALWAYS someone else's fault!

 

Oh please stop with the broad brush strokes.

 

For men the answer is easy

 

1) Yep be in a hurry to NOT see your children every day, since most states give custody to the mother.

 

2) Yep be in a hurry to pay child support and possibly alimony.

 

3) Yep be in a hurry to give away a comfortable life.

 

4) Only on sites like this do I meet you fantasy folks that break up with someone before finding someone else. Out of the thousands of people I have meet in my life I have yet to find people like you in real life.

 

An affair is cheap and allows you to keep everything you have until you are either done with it or found a reasonable replacement.

[Spark1111]

Oh please stop with the broad brush strokes.

 

For men the answer is easy

 

1) Yep be in a hurry to NOT see your children every day, since most states give custody to the mother.

 

2) Yep be in a hurry to pay child support and possibly alimony.

 

3) Yep be in a hurry to give away a comfortable life.

 

4) Only on sites like this do I meet you fantasy folks that break up with someone before finding someone else. Out of the thousands of people I have meet in my life I have yet to find people like you in real life.

 

An affair is cheap and allows you to keep everything you have until you are either done with it or found a reasonable replacement.

 

 

Hahahaha! So let me ask you: You are in favor of men having affairs?

 

Are you a MM?

 

Because I think that is one of the most selfish posts I may have ever read here on LS.

 

How do you feel about MW having affairs? Are you in favor of that too?

 

So you think we should find a replacement, a person willing to have an affair with us, before we leave our spouse's?

[pkn06002]

Hahahaha! So let me ask you: You are in favor of men having affairs?

 

Are you a MM?

 

Because I think that is one of the most selfish posts I may have ever read here on LS.

 

How do you feel about MW having affairs? Are you in favor of that too?

 

So you think we should find a replacement, a person willing to have an affair with us, before we leave our spouse's?

 

Oh you want to know about me? Easy do a search on my name, that will tell you all you want to know.

 

Selfish posts? It's called the truth like it or not.

 

Tell you I have stayed away from your posts for a long time but the broad brush strokes you use based on your one experience with your husband have gotten to be to much. Everyones reasons for cheating or not cheating are different. Just like the reasons people stay or leave crappy jobs.

 

The much talked about "do the hard discussion to fix things before cheating" that is a bunch of crap too. I have yet to see where complaining about a relationship has done any good a addressing the problems. Seems it takes something like an affair to make those "issues" actually mean something.

Edited February 1, 2011 by pkn06002

[jj33]

PKN welcome back. We all spend so much time on both the infidelity board and the OW board speculating about why MM do what they do.

 

It is refreshing to hear it directly from someone who has walked that path, much as it may not be music to everyone's ears.

 

Thank you

[Spark1111]

Oh you want to know about me? Easy do a search on my name, that will tell you all you want to know.

 

Selfish posts? It's called the truth like it or not.

 

Tell you I have stayed away from your posts for a long time but the broad brush strokes you use based on your one experience with your husband have gotten to be to much. Everyones reasons for cheating or not cheating are different. Just like the reasons people stay or leave crappy jobs.

 

The much talked about "do the hard discussion to fix things before cheating" that is a bunch of crap too. I have yet to see where complaining about a relationship has done any good a addressing the problems. Seems it takes something like an affair to make those "issues" actually mean something.

 

Wow....angry much?

 

Whatever the reasons that people find for having affairs, they are still selfish and cowardly, IMO.

 

Just ask the devastated BSs, the heart-broken OW thrown under the bus, and the scared and confused children who now half to shuffle between two homes as they adjust to a dad's new girlfriend and mom's new boyfriend.

 

Easier? On that we agree. Cowards ALWAYS take the easy way out.

[pkn06002]

Wow....angry much?

 

Whatever the reasons that people find for having affairs, they are still selfish and cowardly, IMO.

 

Just ask the devastated BSs, the heart-broken OW thrown under the bus, and the scared and confused children who now half to shuffle between two homes as they adjust to a dad's new girlfriend and mom's new boyfriend.

 

Easier? On that we agree. Cowards ALWAYS take the easy way out.

 

Dramatic much? Seems you can't have a conversation without name calling, talk about childish behavior.

 

Yes all about the BS's and how they are hurting (how touching); goes back to that old discussion of who's sin is worse. Basically comes down to the one that affects you is the one you care about.

 

Easier oh yes for the reasons I listed above, why don't you address those instead of the pat answers of childish name calling?

 

Oh to add to my reasons above:

 

You can become so numb to a crappy relationship you don't know that it is crappy until someone else shows you different. So divorce when you really don't know your relationship sucks because you are just numb to it? Yeah that makes sense.

[moloko]

Why is having an A easier than getting a D ?

 

easy. money & kids.