Nick71 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 It was a week ago today that a courier turned up with my appartment keys, our engagement ring & a very short, vague goodbye letter I haven't made any contact, that's difficult. She did sms me on Monday but just to say goodbye again & mention how cruel life is that she lost me, I'm in the same place she left me so she hasn't lost me? I'm killing myself with questions as to why she left me? We were so happy right up until 2 days before when her sms's stopped. I know her parents hate me, I'm divorced & 12 years older which doesn't match their 'ideal for our princess' criteria (27-39) Her mother even threatened to kill herself if she didn't leave me but I thought we were past that after her mother saw how depressed her daughter was at the prospect of losing the 'love of her life'. She seemed completely in love with me & there were no arguments or suspicions leading up to the break-up package so I'm not suspecting she fell for someone else but that thought keeps creeping in. Is it reasonable to feel so sick & desperate just from not knowing the truth? Or should the fact that she left me without reason be my focus to untie my heart? Or what if she is being seriously screwed up by her parents & dying for me to rescue her? I knew the weekend would be tougher than the week has been (if possible) but it is not beginning well Thanks for listening
Capricciosa Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Who knows why the just go, but they do, and I'm not sure they are clear on their reasons when they disappear that quickly, without notice. The parent thing could have been heavy for her, definitely, but she owed you some sort of respect and explanation, especially if you were engaged. I'm sorry you feel so terrible. It's been just over a week for me, too, and the weekend is indeed harder than the week. I'm trying to keep focused on my own endeavors, trying to make sure I get out of bed and leave the house even for a little bit. I'm also contacting at least one friend a day, to talk about what happened to me, but also about the other things I'm doing. Grief is a normal part of being left, especially so brutally and quickly. Hang in there.
Author Nick71 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 After torturing myself all day yesterday I finally sent her an sms. I just asked how she was coping & I am worried that she might not be contacting me because she us being blocked from this? She replied that she was sick & sad but it was her decision, she is in bed & she will reply to my mother's kind message eventually. I lost it I'm afraid. I called my mother & vented my anger on her. We'd talked only earlier that day about my reasons not to contact her, she didn't mention she'd sent any message. I really broke down after that & tried calling ex, when her phone went off I even called her mother's mobile as that is where she is living now. She sms'd asking me to stop & then we probably had 15 or so sms back & forth, I really was not nice to her, a side of me she has never seen & something I just could not control, it was my breaking point. Eventually I calmed down, turned off my phone & cried myself to sleep while thinking what is the easiest way to die? She said she will call me today to explain things but somehow I doubt the call will come. I will refrain from sending any further messages. Today I am just numb, nothing can occupy my mind enough. I will call & apologise to my mother later, I should apologise to my ex also but . . . not really productive I guess :/ Oh you silly boy Nick
PowerOfOne Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) Take heart that you won't feel like this forever. It will take time... you just have to accept that you're going to feel pretty miserable for a while. But keep in the back of your mind, no matter how hard it is to see, that there will be a time in the future when you can face the world again. I remember my first week. Oh God I can only hope I'm never there again. I had just started a new job and.... well without going into details of my headspace I was in a very dark place. It was everything i could do to get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. I really just went through the motions for a good couple of weeks.. I'm on 2 months since we broke up and I haven't heard from or contacted her. I still have my moments now and again. But the fog has cleared. I can now really focus on me and chasing my own dreams. Letting go of the dreams I had for us was really the hardest thing. They still crop up. Know it will get better. It'll just take time. But it will get better. I'm in a much better place now than i was in the first couple of weeks. I've had setbacks (holidays for example) and I'll definatly have them again. But every one I get over makes the next easier. I'm really sorry you're going through it. I wouldn't wish a heartbreak on anyone. Unfortunatly there is no quick fix - you have to just take the time to heal. And it really is like healing a broken leg etc. Keep posting and reading other threads. If nothing else they help you see you're not alone in this. Edited January 30, 2011 by PowerOfOne spelling
Bluebelle38 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Hi Nick, You have to stop beating yourself up. What did she expect you would say 'ah, ok, thanks for the ring and letter, all the best xx' You are human, you love this woman and she has just cut you out of your life, whipped your hopes and dreams from underneath you like a rug. I know it's near impossible to do, but trying to work out what caused all this is futile. It could be one thing, or another, or a bit of both, or something else entirely. Not sure where you are or what time it is,but you need to meet with a friend, go for a meal, talk, pour it out. Crying yourself to sleep is only going to fuel thoughts that life is not living and that;s ridiculous because we are all truly blessed to be here, even though we get very hurt. We get over it, we move on (with or without answers). Dont ring anymore, dont text. She knows you want answers, she knows she hasnt been fair to you. Go have a shower, meet a friend... anything to get you moving. Trust me, i know it is hard and you will feel *****, but you are moving on, albeit slowly. You'll be OK... you really will.
Author Nick71 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 I'm an Englishman in Warsaw, Poland Bluebelle. All my family are back in UK, I only have 1 good friend here & he has a new love so is totally tied up all weekend although he did take me out Friday afternoon. It's nearly midday, I'm hungry but I can't eat & tired but I can't sleep. I'm just listening to some online radio & reading through people's stories on here. I am shaking like I am cold but my appartment is warm. I have apologised to my mother, it was hard to speak but I explained I have reached a breakpoint. I was holding in my emotions all week & could not control my outburst last night. There seems to be nothing left, I thank you all for your support x
lululucy Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I am so sorry to hear about that.. what a time to be without good friends. I hope you know this board has been like a good friend to me, whether it is comments on my own story or just reading the advice given to others. A lot of it will strike home for you. If you don't know a lot of people in Warsaw, you should make some effort to make new friends -- not date, nowhere near date, but meet likeminded people who you can create a bond with. Are there any ex-pat groups around there? I know my ex and his dad used to meet up with a bunch of other Englishmen around once a month here. If you'd rather not do that, anything to occupy your time is ideal, especially physical activity. You probably couldn't think of her when you're playing football. Put on a sweater, have some tea and toast. Keep talking on here. You'll get there.
Author Nick71 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks Lucy There is a big expat scene here, mostly run by me. I run a website for expats in poland & helped start a facebook group for people in warsaw that is now about 1500 strong. They are not real friends though, just people to meet for a beer from time to time. My ex was my true best friend, & my male best friend is doing his best but it is not really enough because of his distractions which I can understand. It's nice to meet some friends on here though, please continue to help me through this & I will do my best for you in return. I just need a hug & a cry with my best friend but she is missing :/
lululucy Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I just need a hug & a cry with my best friend but she is missing :/ I find that to be one of the hardest parts.. who do I tell everything to now? Who gets to hear my biggest hopes and biggest fears? Who do I tell what I had for lunch, whether terrible or amazing? The loss of the friendship is almost harder to bear for me than the loss of the relationship itself, but you know that friend can't help you anymore. Is there anyone from the expat group that you think you could forge an actual friendship with? It might be worth putting in the time with a few people right now; it'll distract you and you may end up with a bigger support circle. Or, if you can take the time off work, could you book something with Ryanair and just go home for little while? It might be good to get a change of scenery.
Author Nick71 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Tell me anything you need to Lucy, I will do the same. I have my own business so quite flexible, I need to get through the next week before I can look at flights to get home and get the support of my family. Especially as soon it will be valentine's day closely followed by my 40th birthday. I never imagined I would be single at 40 Now I'm just trying to do 1 hour at a time until I can fall asleep & at least get rid of 4 or 5 hours at once before starting the pain all over again.
IfiKnewThen Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 i wonder why she broke it off. sounds mostly like family pressure i am hear 9my my disadvantage point) i know what its like to feel lonely too, with both my parents passed on and no friends anywhere near me or that i could talk to. he was my best friend too and i am so used to hearing his voice and getting advise. he was my strength and hes now married as of last month. so i cant contact him. i wish more than anything in life right now that he would be my friend again. even to see him on my buddy list. i just keep turning to the Lord. i dont know what else to do. but i do feel for you. try to contact her again and ask her why. be come..be supportive and loving. maybe then you will get to the bottom of it. now is not the time to lose your temper with them. it only reminds them why they dont want to be with youi
lululucy Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Tell me anything you need to Lucy, I will do the same. I have my own business so quite flexible, I need to get through the next week before I can look at flights to get home and get the support of my family. Especially as soon it will be valentine's day closely followed by my 40th birthday. I never imagined I would be single at 40 Now I'm just trying to do 1 hour at a time until I can fall asleep & at least get rid of 4 or 5 hours at once before starting the pain all over again. Good, I'm glad you're going to get back home to family. Sometimes that is the best thing to fall back on. Valentine's Day and my birthday are also very close together and I'm not looking forward to it either.. I was never a big V-Day girl but there's something about the day that just makes it feel awful when you're alone. did you manage to get some sleep Nick?
Author Nick71 Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Very little sleep Lucy, I was almost falling asleep on the sofa at 11.30pm so hauled myself off to bed. I was awake again a little after 2am with all my frantic thoughts ensuring that any further sleep was light & limited. I am seriously physically ill now combined with my emotional low-point. Now I'm trying to negotiate with clients to move all work to the end of February so I can get some space from my empty miserable appartment & all my shattered dreams. Even this morning I found a couple random items of hers, including a piece of candle wax melted in the bathroom with " I Love You <3 " carved on it while she was in the bath one day. Just enough to set me off again. IfIKnewThen, I would like to know more than anything why she left but it looks like I will not get that respect from her, it may have been coming but after my emotional explosion on Saturday I don't think respect will be forthcoming, needless to say she didn't call yesterday as she said she would Here's to another day in paradise :/
lululucy Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Yeah, I think you need some distance from that apartment as soon as possible. I was housesitting for someone else when my ex moved out, but coming back and seeing the little things he left .. it was gutting. When you do make arrangements to go back to the UK, you should see if your friend there in Warsaw could go through your apartment and get rid of reminders like that of her. Do a thorough sweep. Maybe even re-arrange your furniture so it doesn't seem so familiar (that's what I'm doing with the bedroom right now -- it is helping!). Be strong, Nick, you can get through this. One day, one moment at a time.
Author Nick71 Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 I think pretty much everything is gone Lucy I did a thorough sweep of everything during the week, just today I went to one of the drawers in the bathroom & I'd obviously missed that one. There was the wax thing, 1 earring & a couple cosmetic things. I deleted all photos and relevant documents from the computer too but I have just remembered there is a smart card in the Wii with photos of our last holiday on, we used to slideshow them while drinking wine & chatting sometimes, oh damn I found a flight for Saturday & I'm working like mad to clear through as much as I can & cleared with clients I'll be absent for 2-3 weeks. I think I may find some therapy in UK as to why I let this matter so much? I just want rid of that awful hunger that is with me wherever I am & whatever I do :/ How are you Lucy, any better ?
lululucy Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Oh, I hope you've gotten rid of those photos from the Wii. I swear, photos are the worst. Such an instant reminder. I'm glad you've gotten rid of everything -- you should still consider redecorating, perhaps whenever you get back from the UK. Make it into a completely different space. I'm so glad you've found a flight. You absolutely should get some therapy, if only to help yourself rebuild. We all let relationships matter "so much" .. but now YOU matter. Are you feeling better now that Tuesday is almost over? I'm okay today. He texted me yesterday and it wasn't as gut-wrenching as I thought it would be. "you ok lucy been thinking about you today" like he can just say that whenever he wants. Like he can just waltz in and out of my world.. this sucks, but I can only assume it will get better. Right?
Author Nick71 Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 At least he is texting you, or is that a bad thing ? I just realized I don't know your story Lucy, I should not be so selfish :/ The person I care for most in the world has simply vanished! I know she's alive because of the txts on Saturday before I lost my cool but I still do not know why she is gone with no warning or explanation, how my best friend became my worst enemy in a few short days? I have my flight but it seems a long way from today, I don't even know how to get through this evening right now I contacted a therapist by email, still waiting for a reply. This appartment is only temporary, I have been building a house for us in the countryside. I'll concentrate on that when I get back but for now I have only bought a one-way ticket out of here :/ I started a journal today, the things I would say to J. if only I could. They are not nasty things, for now. I decided to keep it personal instead of posting on here, it's very long & ends with these words "How can I give up my faith & hope that you will soon return to me & explain this nonsense away when my faith & hope in you were are the best things I have always had?" Shock, anger, disappointment, and more have passed but giving up hope is my sticking point right now! I know we'll be ok Lucy, I don't know when though ? Did you answer your ex or are you NC ? Keep talking, you feel like a friend to me.
lululucy Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 It's only bad because he's keeping me wrapped around his finger while he does whatever it is he wants. It's horrible being so connected to someone who doesn't want you anymore, isn't it? Don't feel like you've been selfish -- if you want to read (the latest portion of) my story, it's http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t262730/ but please don't feel obligated, you are going through a lot right now and you need to concentrate on your sanity. I'm glad you've contacted a therapist, it's a good positive step. And a journal is a really good idea - I don't think this is a time for bottling up emotions. We have to release what we're carrying around if we want to heal.. if you haven't watched it, watch that Four Ways of Letting Go video (it's on youtube, it's from an English monk in Australia). It could be a good go-between before you see a therapist. I'm not a Buddhist (I don't really have any religious/spiritual beliefs) but I found his words to ring so true and I wrote phrases that struck me on post-it notes to put around my bedroom, for those times I feel overwhelmed. Has your friend in Warsaw taken you out yet? If he hasn't, it might be useful to let him know how badly you need to be distracted from your own thoughts for a while. He likely doesn't realise the scale of your grief since he's blinded by his own happiness. I did answer him, yes, but only because he was asking about our dog. I had told him not to contact me unless he wanted to give us another go, so I feel like his little attempts to talk to me are very taxing.. every time I see his name (well, it's saved as Don't F***ing Call Him!) I think he's realised he wants to work things out! And then it's just nonsense. I'm going back to NC from now until the wedding I have to see him at in a month.
Author Nick71 Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Oh, I don't know what is worse then, no contact or negative contact :/ I remember from my last big heartache in 2006 when my fiancee of 5 years cheated on me that keeping in touch just stretched the disappointent & anger stage out for the full duration of the contact which was more than a year of abuse & being used by her. I finally stopped the contact the day we were planning to go with friends for a skiing holiday on my birthday & on the day she told me she didn't want me to go but could she borrow my 4x4 to go there with our friends - Ha! I have found some comfort thinking back to that relationship, how it devastated me at the time, almost drove me to suicide but now it is just a distant chapter of my life. So this time I went to NC straight away apart from my little blip on Saturday. I had already changed her name to 'Don't Do It' on my phone but still called frantically between that number & her mother's when I lost my mind that night. Next day I deleted the numbers. I did watch the 4 ways video but to be honest I found him just a little annoying. Wear some proper clothes or fasten them properly & then you won't have to keep pulling them up !! Also, 'just let it go' said very calmly by somebody who has peace in the world is just a little patronising to a hopeless romantic who has lost his reason for life. I don't mean to offend, I just wish I was him instead of me, even with the wardrobe malfunction. I know I'll probably watch it another time and not be so annoyed that he makes it look so easy. Sorry to hear ex is still playing you, I would not like that & have experienced it in the past but not this time. She just disappeared. Oh my head hurts :/ I'll take a look at your story now Lucy, keep it up!
lululucy Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I can't believe your other ex could do that! That's unbelievable.. how cruel. You've certainly had more than your share of crap from women, I have to say. I'm just running out the door to work but I wanted to check in with you, see how you're doing today? Saturday is one day closer now.. I hope you're alright. Have you heard back from the therapist yet?
IfiKnewThen Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 quote: [[ I did watch the 4 ways video but to be honest I found him just a little annoying. Wear some proper clothes or fasten them properly & then you won't have to keep pulling them up !! Also, 'just let it go' said very calmly by somebody who has peace in the world is just a little patronising to a hopeless romantic who has lost his reason for life. I don't mean to offend, I just wish I was him instead of me, even with the wardrobe malfunction. I know I'll probably watch it another time and not be so annoyed that he makes it look so easy. ]] sorry ROFL!!!! i thought the same things, when watching this !~! but i was glad you left a link to go to lululucy because i always take all the help i see out there : ) . i know it was meant for the OP, but i look for things for help too. i have to finish watching it though. but that man did make me giggle and was a tad annoying ...hehe.
lululucy Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 sorry ROFL!!!! i thought the same things, when watching this !~! but i was glad you left a link to go to lululucy because i always take all the help i see out there : ) . i know it was meant for the OP, but i look for things for help too. i have to finish watching it though. but that man did make me giggle and was a tad annoying ...hehe. hahah yeah he is a little annoying to me too My mom raised me on her spiritual path which involved swamis and going to ashrams in India so I think I'm just a little more used to the soothing voice/slipping clothing thing And I agree, there's never too much help!
IfiKnewThen Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 hehe , yeah i am going to watch the rest. : ) i need all the help i can get
Author Nick71 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 This has taken a sinister twist. A friend of hers cannot get her so msgd me where she is? She is not answering phone or email & her facebook profile is gone. I'm not connected to her, this is relayed information. I went from dumpee to 'this is the person I am supposed to protect in this world.' I went to her appartment, it's 1hr across the city. She always gets home at 5-5.30pm then walks her dog immediately. I was there outside from 5-7.30pm, nothing. It's her parent's appt. & I have never been in so only know the block. I left & after 10 minutes driving back but was so distraught I returned for another hour vigilance. Her mother is a psycopath & J. has been here before with many bruises & scratches from encounters. What if it went too far this time? If she really has just left me I can work on that but what if I am ignoring her when she needs me most. Or what if this is about to be the worst episode of my life? Just an update, I know nobody can possibly reply to this. I'll update as soon as I know but it is somehow very different now. A very different fear.
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