Little Bird Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Can you become more attracted to a person as you get to know them, or does the attraction have to be instant for you to pursue a relationship? I'm only asking because I just went on a date with a guy I "met" online, and although he's average looking with a gut and almost my height (I'm 5'4'), and I'm not attracted to him, I still think he's a good guy who I should see again, because I want to be open and non superficial and all that, hoping that I can become attracted to him. Is that possible, or is that if you don't feel the attraction right away, that means you'll never feel it?
USMCHokie Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Attraction = Physical attraction + Mental attraction + Emotional attraction... I don't think physical attraction really grows over time...it's either there from the start or it's not...however, total attraction can grow over time as you get to know a person, and his or her personality affects the total attraction that makes you feel more "physically" attracted to them...
Little Bird Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Your answer helps a lot. I guess if I get to know the guy more I can develop feelings for him. I know I'm not perfect looking, so I shouldn't be picky, and he is really nice and easy to talk to, but I just don't feel attracted to him. I'll still go out with him more, but at what point do you know it's not going to work out? What if I still feel like this after the 3rd or 4th date?
dave22 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I would say, give him another try. Sometimes if someone's personality is really great it can make them a more attractive person. I once met this girl that I did not find that attractive at first, but as I got to know her I found out she had a great personality and I became very attracted to her. So you never know.
BOKI5 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I think for everyone the answers are different. For myself, it's a combo of both. I remember this one dude, as soon as I laid eyes on him, I instantly thought he was so sexy. Sometimes I don't really notice a guy but when I really pay attn., I realize he's actually good looking. I think it depends, sometimes you can find someone OK looking but once you get to know them, you start to really like them, thus, finding them attractive. For me, personality is really important and trumps looks. BUT if a man is ugly, then it doesn't matter how great his personality is, it just won't work. If you look at a man and just feel grossed out by him and can't even imagine being intimate or touch with him, likely that means it won't grow.
tinktronik Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 For me physical attraction happens after I feel a mental attraction and emotional attraction for a man. Sure, there are cute, average and below average attractive ranges but I just don't feel that spark without the others in place; I never have anyway. With all of my long-term partners I have gotten to know them before there was any spark. OP if you are considering seeing this guy again obviously you felt some kind of pull toward him.
Little Bird Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 For me physical attraction happens after I feel a mental attraction and emotional attraction for a man. Sure, there are cute, average and below average attractive ranges but I just don't feel that spark without the others in place; I never have anyway. With all of my long-term partners I have gotten to know them before there was any spark. OP if you are considering seeing this guy again obviously you felt some kind of pull toward him. Yes, if I found him repulsive looking, I would not even consider going out on another date with him, and although we are very different with what are interests are, style, and other things, I found it easy to talk to him, and I felt comfortable with him and he was funny and clearly a good guy. There weren't sparks or anything on either side between us, and it felt more platonic than anything, but then we barely know each other. Also, he asked if he could call me again to hang out another time, so I guess he felt the date went well. We didn't hug or kiss but he seems like the more respectful reserved type.
USMCHokie Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I think it depends, sometimes you can find someone OK looking but once you get to know them, you start to really like them, thus, finding them attractive. For me, personality is really important and trumps looks. BUT if a man is ugly, then it doesn't matter how great his personality is, it just won't work. It also works the other way, where a person can be very physically attractive, but their personality leaves a bit to be desired, so the overall attraction goes down...
Feelin Frisky Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I don't know if physical attraction "grows" but I have experienced it where it suddenly dawns on me that I'm attracted to someone who I had previously overlooked or just thought I didn't think I was attracted to. I like when that happens. It's funny because when I try to pin it down just when and where I changed to finding this woman attractive I can't--it's just like there's been toast down in a toaster for a long time and suddenly it popped up ready to eat. Ding!
USMCHokie Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 For me physical attraction happens after I feel a mental attraction and emotional attraction for a man. Sure, there are cute, average and below average attractive ranges but I just don't feel that spark without the others in place; I never have anyway. With all of my long-term partners I have gotten to know them before there was any spark. OP if you are considering seeing this guy again obviously you felt some kind of pull toward him. I think physical attraction can and should be gauged soley by physical attributes...that is, judging attraction without knowing the person's personality at all...I think what you're referring to is what I'd call just plain ol' attraction... But it's just semantics...
USMCHokie Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I don't know if physical attraction "grows" but I have experienced it where it suddenly dawns on me that I'm attracted to someone who I had previously overlooked or just thought I didn't think I was attracted to. I like when that happens. It's funny because when I try to pin it down just when and where I changed to finding this woman attractive I can't--it's just like there's been toast down in a toaster for a long time and suddenly it popped up ready to eat. Ding! Although we might not have initially deemed them physically attractive, their non-physical qualities create the desire to manifest that attraction physically; that is, sex. I know I'm arguing mere semantics here, that "physical" attraction isn't necessarily attraction to someone's physical attributes, but a desire to exhibit that non-physical attraction in a physical manner...
carhill Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 OP, if you've never 'grown' attraction for a man, you likely never will. Each of us has a unique attraction 'style' and, IMO, trying to 'force' it into something else merely causes frustration for yourself and the waste of another person's time and energy. You described a number of physical aspects of this man which were patently 'unattractive' to you. Own that. This does not mean that such will be the case throughout your life, but it is now. That's part of your 'style'. If you were announcing these aspects openly, do you think he'd hang around? Time and life experience *may* cause you to view people differently. Is now the time to test yourself in this regard? Unknown. To answer this question for myself, I develop overall attraction as interaction and intimacy develop. As I review all of the women I've been initially attracted to, both requited and unrequited, the clear similarity has been that I felt something both unique and often overwhelming upon holding their gaze, secondarily by hearing their voice. Only once has this happened at an initial meeting; more often it happens with repeated contact over time. Sometimes that time is days, sometimes months, in a few cases years. When it is experienced, from my perspective, all surroundings cease to exist. The particular person takes on an additional 'dimension' in my psyche. In some cases, and I confirmed this recently, I can 'see' (in my mind's eye) this person, especially their face, throughout their life, literally from youth till death. That's my attraction 'style'. You'll hear more 'normal' stuff from others Good luck
Little Bird Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) It's funny, but in Junior High I was super attracted to this boy who was as short or even shorter than me who looked like he was even younger than me although he was the same grade, but he had this killer smile and I had a huge crush on him even though there were other guys who were taller, more good looking, ect. Also, I have really weird taste, like I find Steve Bucshemi and Jesse Eisenberg, and other unconventional looking guys attractive, so I don't think I'm superficial. Maybe it's too early to tell if I'm attracted to the guy? In contrast, I had a date before with this other guy who I was insanely attracted to but the conversation between us was awkward and forced. With the guy in question, I think I'll just have to see what happens. He is a little overweight, but is one of those guys who could be good looking if he lost some pounds. This sounds horribly shallow of me, but I can't help noticing those things. Edited January 29, 2011 by Little Bird
BOKI5 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 It also works the other way, where a person can be very physically attractive, but their personality leaves a bit to be desired, so the overall attraction goes down... True too. There was this guy who I thought was cute. But he never said anything intelligent. SO, sooner than later, I stopped having a crush on him.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Although we might not have initially deemed them physically attractive, their non-physical qualities create the desire to manifest that attraction physically; that is, sex. I know I'm arguing mere semantics here, that "physical" attraction isn't necessarily attraction to someone's physical attributes, but a desire to exhibit that non-physical attraction in a physical manner... I can sing and dance as well as the next man but I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DEVIL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. Seriously.
green_tea Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I think attraction can definitely grow. It happened to me once - this guy I worked with, when I first met him, I thought he was short and scruffy, and definitely not the type I usually go for - I completely wrote him off. However, after a little while I fell for him hard. We did start something, and it lasted 5 years..
Star Gazer Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 For me, physical attraction goes beyond just what's seen with the eyes. I am not physically attracted to a guy simply because he's physically attractive on the outside. There's got to be more to him than a handsome face and hot body. Absolutely. What's on the outside just a shell. I can say "that guy is handsome/hot/attractive," but I cannot be physically attracted to a shell. I think this is true of most women.
Little Bird Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 For me, physical attraction goes beyond just what's seen with the eyes. I am not physically attracted to a guy simply because he's physically attractive on the outside. There's got to be more to him than a handsome face and hot body. Absolutely. What's on the outside just a shell. I can say "that guy is handsome/hot/attractive," but I cannot be physically attracted to a shell. I think this is true of most women. I think you're right. Men place more emphasis on the physical part. I think I can have desire for a stranger based on looks, but it's brief and not deep. I don't connect in an emotional or psychological way, but it's just an instinctual impulse.
Star Gazer Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I think you're right. Men place more emphasis on the physical part. This is why men who are obsessed with their own physical appearance fail so often with women. Physical/visual is important to them, so they think it's just as important to us (when it's not), and thus often fail to develop the parts of them that really attract women on a deeper level. This is why I shy away from physically vain men - they often have very little else to offer beyond their shell. Like you said, any attraction at first doesn't go very deep. When I think of physical attraction, I think of a sexual yearning... a sort of physical consumption of/by the other person. That sort of yearning doesn't exist for shell, but a soul.
denise_xo Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Attraction = Physical attraction + Mental attraction + Emotional attraction... This. I don't do physical only. My attraction button has two switches: on and off. No gradients. But I have experienced this: I have experienced it where it suddenly dawns on me that I'm attracted to someone who I had previously overlooked or just thought I didn't think I was attracted to.
durkadurka Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Attraction is not a choice and it's almost instantaneous.
january2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I've experienced both. The experience where the physical attraction was gradual turned into an LTR (mental and emotional attraction grew first), the experience where the physical attraction was pretty much instantaneous turned into a fling (mental and emotional attraction came afterwards).
MissKnowitall Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 I think there is attraction and then there is chemistry. I can be attracted to a man but there is no real chemistry. If there is chemistry then they can look like a bullfrog and I'd think he was the hottest man alive! It has to be a complete package, easy on the eyes, great personality and chemistry that makes me melt. If you aren't feeling it, it won't happen. That is my opinion.
Els Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 For me physical attraction happens after I feel a mental attraction and emotional attraction for a man. Sure, there are cute, average and below average attractive ranges but I just don't feel that spark without the others in place; I never have anyway. With all of my long-term partners I have gotten to know them before there was any spark. OP if you are considering seeing this guy again obviously you felt some kind of pull toward him. Exactly the same for me.
threebyfate Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 For myself it starts with an immediate aesthetic attraction where he's either attractive or not. In order to go beyond a bit of eye candy, the attraction has to grow through intellectual connection. Then through an emotional connection. Then physical desire kicks into overdrive!
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