Is it wrong...

[half_ofa_heart]

Is it wrong to hope that I find a NEW man that can take my mind off of my MM???? Sometimes, I feel like it will be the only way that I can free myself from him. I think, if there is someone else in my life then perhaps my MM will finally stay away thus allowing me to move on. Grasping??? Probably.

 

Now, is it possible???? probably not since I can't stop thinking about my MM to even NOTICE another. And even when I think I can, he's always there to remind me. I'm not trying to play the victim here. Just saying that there has to be an easier way!!!

 

Do I want to end my R with my MM? Yes and NO. No, because I love him. Yes because I cannot share him.

 

I am so :confused::confused:

[desertIslandCactus]

Is it wrong to hope that I find a NEW man that can take my mind off of my MM???? Sometimes, I feel like it will be the only way that I can free myself from him. I think, if there is someone else in my life then perhaps my MM will finally stay away thus allowing me to move on. Grasping??? Probably.

 

Now, is it possible???? probably not since I can't stop thinking about my MM to even NOTICE another. And even when I think I can, he's always there to remind me. I'm not trying to play the victim here. Just saying that there has to be an easier way!!!

 

Do I want to end my R with my MM? Yes and NO. No, because I love him. Yes because I cannot share him.

 

I am so :confused::confused:

 

I think there are members who may disagree with me - because of their happy-endings, with an available partner. ..

 

But: Personally I think you must heal first.

 

Until you know the relationship for what it was, see him in a realistic light .. FIND Yourself .. and Know Who YOU are .. as the strong, independent woman that God intended ..

 

Only then will a new relationship be the added glory - or blessing, that it is intended to be.

 

Comparing new partners/relationships with the prev MM - or hoping that the new man/relationship will be the cure ... That just does not work.

Edited January 29, 2011 by desertIslandCactus

[IzzyB]

I think for you, it would be a healthy thing to date some single men and see how it is to be treated well! From what you have posted, your MM may act like a good friend and all, but you arent getting romanced at all and you, as a woman, deserve that! So maybe you could date some to practice and in the meantime go for IC to help you heal and figure out why you have allowed yourself to be treated the way he has treated you.

You deserve so much better Heart!

 

Izzy

[Fieldsofgold]

Is it wrong to hope that I find a NEW man that can take my mind off of my MM???? Sometimes, I feel like it will be the only way that I can free myself from him. I think, if there is someone else in my life then perhaps my MM will finally stay away thus allowing me to move on. Grasping??? Probably.

 

Now, is it possible???? probably not since I can't stop thinking about my MM to even NOTICE another. And even when I think I can, he's always there to remind me. I'm not trying to play the victim here. Just saying that there has to be an easier way!!!

 

Do I want to end my R with my MM? Yes and NO. No, because I love him. Yes because I cannot share him.

 

I am so :confused::confused:

 

I think you have to get him out of your system first. I don't think someone else would have a fair shot, as long as you are in love with him.

 

And no, you don't sound like the victim at all. I think this SHOULD be the place where you can cry and vent and share freely as you need to, in any way that helps you heal.

 

I'm just sorry you're going through all this.

[woinlove]

Is it wrong to hope that I find a NEW man that can take my mind off of my MM???? Sometimes, I feel like it will be the only way that I can free myself from him. I think, if there is someone else in my life then perhaps my MM will finally stay away thus allowing me to move on. Grasping??? Probably.

 

Now, is it possible???? probably not since I can't stop thinking about my MM to even NOTICE another. And even when I think I can, he's always there to remind me. I'm not trying to play the victim here. Just saying that there has to be an easier way!!!

 

Do I want to end my R with my MM? Yes and NO. No, because I love him. Yes because I cannot share him.

 

I am so :confused::confused:

 

Certainly not wrong to hope that. Your hope is trying to tell you something. But to find a person who captures your interest that strongly, your heart needs to be open to it and it doesn't sound like yours is. But maybe you are starting to think about what you need and want and whether your heart is right where you want it to be. And that's a good thing.

[blinded_27]

Omg, ok I'm viewing this on my phone so I can't write a long response right now, but I was thinking this EXACT same thing tonight....

 

Its not wrong, I wouldn't say try to find someone that you want to have s LTR with right now, but someone to have fun with, a nice, genuine, SINGLE guy who can give your self confidence a little boost (because lord knows all the BS we go through with the flip flopping and whatnot, we could use a little boost here and there!) I don't see any harm in that, as long as you don't go in with high expectations.

 

Is it wrong to hope that I find a NEW man that can take my mind off of my MM???? Sometimes, I feel like it will be the only way that I can free myself from him. I think, if there is someone else in my life then perhaps my MM will finally stay away thus allowing me to move on. Grasping??? Probably.

 

Now, is it possible???? probably not since I can't stop thinking about my MM to even NOTICE another. And even when I think I can, he's always there to remind me. I'm not trying to play the victim here. Just saying that there has to be an easier way!!!

 

Do I want to end my R with my MM? Yes and NO. No, because I love him. Yes because I cannot share him.

 

I am so :confused::confused:

[siuys]

I think there are members who may disagree with me - because of their happy-endings, with an available partner. ..

 

But: Personally I think you must heal first.

 

Until you know the relationship for what it was, see him in a realistic light .. FIND Yourself .. and Know Who YOU are .. as the strong, independent woman that God intended ..

 

Only then will a new relationship be the added glory - or blessing, that it is intended to be.

 

Comparing new partners/relationships with the prev MM - or hoping that the new man/relationship will be the cure ... That just does not work.

 

I agree with Desert. Just give yourself some time and have faith in yourself that you can handle this time on your own without another man as a distraction. Only date again when you're done with the healing.

 

I am not done with my MM coz he moved back home, and is supposed to move out again soon. Who knows but what I found is that as I started working on myself, and setting boundaries, and not focussing on him, I am healing too, and much more able to walk away. I have only seen him a few times the past three months and this has given me the opportunity to really ask myself some hard questions, and do some tough stuff for me. It's not easy, it's not pleasant, but it's necessary.

 

All the best.

[hoping4happyevrafter]

Is it wrong to hope that I find a NEW man that can take my mind off of my MM???? Sometimes, I feel like it will be the only way that I can free myself from him. I think, if there is someone else in my life then perhaps my MM will finally stay away thus allowing me to move on. Grasping??? Probably.

 

Now, is it possible???? probably not since I can't stop thinking about my MM to even NOTICE another. And even when I think I can, he's always there to remind me. I'm not trying to play the victim here. Just saying that there has to be an easier way!!!

 

Do I want to end my R with my MM? Yes and NO. No, because I love him. Yes because I cannot share him.

 

I am so :confused::confused:

 

Honey when in this situation we all wish prince charming could come and whisk us away from this misery. That's not being a victim, thats being honest.

 

I think dating could be good for you. From personal exp. i don't know if it will be possible for you, I know I felt the same way. Can't even think of looking at another man while my true love is laying somewhere else, but still thinking of me. We all understand the feeling of wanted to be wined and dined and swept off our feet- whether we are BS/OW/whatever. All of us, okay most of us, women want the same thing....

 

So I suggest you take your time, chances are, if things don't work out with your MM, he'll do something to really f*ckin piss you off, something that will make you see, wait a minute...I'm worth more than that!

 

I would just hate for you to run into your soulmate and not recognize it because you're jaded by your MM.

 

So-keep an open mind. Don't sequester yourself, go out. Open yourself to new experiences. You never know- someone might surprise you- or you might even surprise yourself.

 

Sometimes just knowing you have other options can work wonders for your soul.

[half_ofa_heart]

I don't see my MM but we talk every day all day... until his W gets home .

 

We used to see each other almost every day but I've been making myself not so available all the time. Pretty much, I have only seen him twice in the last month, but like I said, we talk everyday all day. In my mind, it's a step in the right direction because, everytime we would get together, when we'd part ways, it would always leave me feeling horrible. Talking alone doesn't leave me feeling used so, it's gotta be steps towards healing right????

 

Thank you to all of you. I cannot tell you how much you all have helped and continue to help me through these last few months.

 

I wish I could say that I'm feeling stronger but the fact of the matter is, as long as I still love him, I don't know how this can end.

[hoping4happyevrafter]

I don't see my MM but we talk every day all day... until his W gets home .

 

We used to see each other almost every day but I've been making myself not so available all the time. Pretty much, I have only seen him twice in the last month, but like I said, we talk everyday all day. In my mind, it's a step in the right direction because, everytime we would get together, when we'd part ways, it would always leave me feeling horrible. Talking alone doesn't leave me feeling used so, it's gotta be steps towards healing right????

 

Thank you to all of you. I cannot tell you how much you all have helped and continue to help me through these last few months.

 

I wish I could say that I'm feeling stronger but the fact of the matter is, as long as I still love him, I don't know how this can end.

 

Honey we can all talk about being strong and standing up for ourselves, but the fact is when your heart is involved- easier said than done.

 

Just believe in yourself.

 

Remind yourself everyday that you ARE strong, you ARE beautiful, you DO deserve every opportunity in the world.

 

You'll get there. One way or another. Don't feel bad, we can all talk about how you should leave, or he should leave, or whatever the case may be, but unfortunately more often than not our heads dictate what our hearts refuse to accept.

[BB07]

I have a cautionary tale for you Heart......

 

XMM and I started seeing each other early in 2004, he said he was separated (few months ago, found out it was a lie), then he said he had to go back to his marriage but he assured me that he would not stay. So then I became the knowing OW for around a year or so. (This is why I identify so much with the hurt and pain that you and blinded and others are going through.) It was truly terrible because I loved that man almost more than I loved myself so I experienced much the same that you are going through right now. Anyway.......I begin to doubt his promises to leave and I just could not take things as they were anymore so I wanted an escape. So I decided that if someone caught my interest I was going to go for it.

 

Well..........it happened, someone did catch my interest. And there I went.....I was running, running away from the pain of not being able to be with the man I loved, running away from the fears I had about him not being what I thought it was, running from facing being alone and having to really mourn the end of me and him, fooling myself into thinking that I could pretend it hadn't happened. Running.......running scared and very confused and in no way ready for a new relationship and well the most dangerous thing was that I was too hurt, too damaged, and much too vulnerable to make a good judgment about someone's character and his own state of emotional health. So I ran right into this new mans arms..........who seemed to think that I was the greatest thing and who seemed to worship the ground my feet walked on, he seemed to love me enough to make up for all the lost love and hurt that I had experienced with xmm. He spoiled me with gifts, he was attentive, he was passionate, he seemed to be everything I needed and wanted............but there was a dark side and I saw warning signs, but I ignored them.

 

A few months into it, his jealousy came out, although I hadn't did anything to provoke it, and he had a problem with the booze at times and when boozed up would say some unkind things and embarrassed me more than once in front of friends or family. He also starting being really possessive, as if he owned me. The emotional abuse had started but still I stuck my head in the sand.

 

Two years after it started, I knew I had to get out because all the above negative things had just got worse and sometimes I was afraid that he might actually physically hurt me. It took me another 6 months before I could put it all together and actually do it. I was terrified to tell him that I was going to leave before I could actually do it. He had never hit me, but some of the things he had said to me when drunk and angry were downright nasty and cruel. More than once, he called me a stupid f'ing bitch. NO ONE, I mean NO ONE had ever talked to me like that and the first time those words came out of his mouth, I knew I was done. Those words were unforgivable! I will not live with someone who talks to me like that. He got so crazy with the jealousy, that I couldn't tell him about my interactions at work, be it with female or male. All the sudden my family were bad people. My BFF wasn't welcome around him. He caused diversion with my oldest daughter. Trips to the grocery store was met with questions and suspicion. He had NO reason to treat me like this, as after he and I had gotten serious, I cut off things with xmm and I didn't tell him about any of it, thank goodness as that would have been something else he would have used against me. The list goes on.........and in many ways he made my life hell. I enjoyed going to work because it got me away from him.

 

My point that I'm trying to make and I apologize for my long winded story is that had I allowed myself to grieve the end of xmm and I and then allowed myself to heal from it, I would not have got myself involved with someone who was bad for me and who brought me a lot of grief and pain. I was too vulnerable, too hurt and too far gone to make good judgments about anyone. I was running.......running away from the pain of xmm and I and I just ran right into another train wreck. Heart........even after I left for months and months he would obsessively call me, he would sometimes get drunk and come to my house. I was very afraid that he was going to end up hurting me and I came very close to getting a restraining order. It's only been about a year that things have calmed down and now he just calls me once in a while, of course still professing he loves me.

Please don't take what I'm saying as the gospel for all situations but IMO you sound much like I remember myself being way back then. It's very dangerous to not heal yourself first as your judgment is very likely to be way off, mine sure was.

This time around.......I am sooo NOT doing that. I'm learning to be alone, I've felt the pain and the anger and all the other emotions that come with it. I may never be 100% again, but I will not be a sucker ever again. NEVER EVER!!!

[East7]

I think you have to get him out of your system first. I don't think someone else would have a fair shot, as long as you are in love with him.

 

Agree, my main rule is "No one should start a new R before healing".

 

HOAH,

Rebound relationships scarcely last a long time and it is not fair to use someone to heal your scars. If you date someone just to forget your MM and not for him, it is not going to last.

[Woman In Blue]

I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with casually dating single guys to get out and be able to have some normal fun. There are plenty of guys out there that aren't looking to hog-tie you and drag you to the alter and would probably appreciate a casual dating type of relationship. You don't have to pledge your undying love to them, but it might help you see that there's a WHOLE world out there, and it doesn't revolve around your MM's schedule and when he can call you.

 

Seriously, get out and have some FUN.

[siuys]

I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with casually dating single guys to get out and be able to have some normal fun. There are plenty of guys out there that aren't looking to hog-tie you and drag you to the alter and would probably appreciate a casual dating type of relationship. You don't have to pledge your undying love to them, but it might help you see that there's a WHOLE world out there, and it doesn't revolve around your MM's schedule and when he can call you.

 

Seriously, get out and have some FUN.

 

I think if one is able to do that, then yes, why not. However, if all it does is trying to mask your pain coz you don't want to deal with it, then you have to question your motive. Personally, I wouldn't be able to have fun just dating single guys just for the hell of it. I tried it once and stopped immediately. i knew i was running away from my responsibility to heal myself and face the music. And it's not fair on the other person, whether or not they want a long term thing, or simply a fling. Whichever way you look at it, be honest with yourself why you are doing it. Is it because you can't face the pain? coz sooner or later, there will come a time when you have to face it even if you manage to find a guy to mask it this time...

[half_ofa_heart]

I have a cautionary tale for you Heart......

 

XMM and I started seeing each other early in 2004, he said he was separated (few months ago, found out it was a lie), then he said he had to go back to his marriage but he assured me that he would not stay. So then I became the knowing OW for around a year or so. (This is why I identify so much with the hurt and pain that you and blinded and others are going through.) It was truly terrible because I loved that man almost more than I loved myself so I experienced much the same that you are going through right now. Anyway.......I begin to doubt his promises to leave and I just could not take things as they were anymore so I wanted an escape. So I decided that if someone caught my interest I was going to go for it.

 

Well..........it happened, someone did catch my interest. And there I went.....I was running, running away from the pain of not being able to be with the man I loved, running away from the fears I had about him not being what I thought it was, running from facing being alone and having to really mourn the end of me and him, fooling myself into thinking that I could pretend it hadn't happened. Running.......running scared and very confused and in no way ready for a new relationship and well the most dangerous thing was that I was too hurt, too damaged, and much too vulnerable to make a good judgment about someone's character and his own state of emotional health. So I ran right into this new mans arms..........who seemed to think that I was the greatest thing and who seemed to worship the ground my feet walked on, he seemed to love me enough to make up for all the lost love and hurt that I had experienced with xmm. He spoiled me with gifts, he was attentive, he was passionate, he seemed to be everything I needed and wanted............but there was a dark side and I saw warning signs, but I ignored them.

 

A few months into it, his jealousy came out, although I hadn't did anything to provoke it, and he had a problem with the booze at times and when boozed up would say some unkind things and embarrassed me more than once in front of friends or family. He also starting being really possessive, as if he owned me. The emotional abuse had started but still I stuck my head in the sand.

 

Two years after it started, I knew I had to get out because all the above negative things had just got worse and sometimes I was afraid that he might actually physically hurt me. It took me another 6 months before I could put it all together and actually do it. I was terrified to tell him that I was going to leave before I could actually do it. He had never hit me, but some of the things he had said to me when drunk and angry were downright nasty and cruel. More than once, he called me a stupid f'ing bitch. NO ONE, I mean NO ONE had ever talked to me like that and the first time those words came out of his mouth, I knew I was done. Those words were unforgivable! I will not live with someone who talks to me like that. He got so crazy with the jealousy, that I couldn't tell him about my interactions at work, be it with female or male. All the sudden my family were bad people. My BFF wasn't welcome around him. He caused diversion with my oldest daughter. Trips to the grocery store was met with questions and suspicion. He had NO reason to treat me like this, as after he and I had gotten serious, I cut off things with xmm and I didn't tell him about any of it, thank goodness as that would have been something else he would have used against me. The list goes on.........and in many ways he made my life hell. I enjoyed going to work because it got me away from him.

 

My point that I'm trying to make and I apologize for my long winded story is that had I allowed myself to grieve the end of xmm and I and then allowed myself to heal from it, I would not have got myself involved with someone who was bad for me and who brought me a lot of grief and pain. I was too vulnerable, too hurt and too far gone to make good judgments about anyone. I was running.......running away from the pain of xmm and I and I just ran right into another train wreck. Heart........even after I left for months and months he would obsessively call me, he would sometimes get drunk and come to my house. I was very afraid that he was going to end up hurting me and I came very close to getting a restraining order. It's only been about a year that things have calmed down and now he just calls me once in a while, of course still professing he loves me.

Please don't take what I'm saying as the gospel for all situations but IMO you sound much like I remember myself being way back then. It's very dangerous to not heal yourself first as your judgment is very likely to be way off, mine sure was.

This time around.......I am sooo NOT doing that. I'm learning to be alone, I've felt the pain and the anger and all the other emotions that come with it. I may never be 100% again, but I will not be a sucker ever again. NEVER EVER!!!

 

Ok, so you've scared the crap out of me. I do not trust my instincts right now. I still cannot believe I'm in the position I'm in let alone to be able to pick someone new. I think I need to deal with my current situation before I start a new one. I'm just grasping for anything resembling an easy way out. Like a big rock to drop out of the sky and knock some good sense into me.

 

Thanks BB07.

[BB07]

Ok, so you've scared the crap out of me. I do not trust my instincts right now. I still cannot believe I'm in the position I'm in let alone to be able to pick someone new. I think I need to deal with my current situation before I start a new one. I'm just grasping for anything resembling an easy way out. Like a big rock to drop out of the sky and knock some good sense into me.

 

Thanks BB07.

 

Heart......I didn't mean to scare you and maybe some casual dates would be a good thing for you. It might help you see what you are missing.

 

I'm doing it differently this time heart.....I'm alone and I'm OK. If...IF there is ever another serious relationship in my life I want to be ready for it, healthy enough to see any caution flags, healthy enough to say no.......I deserve better than this. Oh and don't ever take for granted friends and what a good time you can have with them. If not dating, go out with friends......and have fun! My bff and I usually get together once a week and go out and treat ourselves to a nice dinner and enjoy each others company. I also have a long time male friend who I go out with occasionally. I don't and I won't sequester myself to being miserable. My free time is limited as I have a disabled daughter that I take care of, so when I get the opportunity to go out with friends....I do it.

[JaneyAmazed]

I wish I could say that I'm feeling stronger but the fact of the matter is, as long as I still love him, I don't know how this can end.

 

 

I remember thinking this all the time during my affair. I remember telling xOM all the time "I'm just not strong enough," "I can't imagine not being able to call, e-mail or see you anymore" "I'm just not ready." "There is no way I can go NC." All of these things made me put off doing what was right. I had distanced myself so far from my husband emotionally that I thought I really needed OM for the emotional support and friendship I used to have with my H. I just want to tell you that you are stronger than you think. While you are in the affair, it does seem like you could never be strong enough to stop because of your love for him, but you are. You won't know that though until you actually go NC - NOT LC. I tried LC a while back and failed. If you spend too much time (like I did) worrying about not being strong enough, you are wasting precious time. Your future is so important. The longer you stay in an affair - love or no love - the longer you put off self-respect and real hope for a happy life. Please think about it. Don't trust your feelings now. Trust what is right. Do what is right. Love is not an excuse to do wrong. That was my "justification" for staying my affair (although now I think I was in such a dang fog, I know it wasn't true love). True love is not built on deception and betrayal. I read an old post today from a thread probably from last year that made me cringe. An OW said that when you love someone it's unrealistic to go NC. That is total crap. It's not going to be easy, but it IS realistic and it does work... and you will NOT regret it.

[fooled once]

In your opening post on this thread, you stated part of you did want to end the relationship because you don't share.

 

Aren't you sharing?

 

You are only allowed to talk to him until his wife gets home.

 

How are you okay with that? How are you okay with knowing you can only talk with someone you love between the hours of 8 and 5? (not that those are hours, but you know what I mean). You are sharing. That is what happens when you are in an affair.

 

He can't suck you in, he can't make you stay. YOU have control over yourself. Make a decision - either embrace being the OW and only talking to him at certain times, depending on his wife's schedule or stop living your life around someone else's timetable and stop waiting around for "one day". Get out and LIVE YOUR LIFE.

[half_ofa_heart]

I remember thinking this all the time during my affair. I remember telling xOM all the time "I'm just not strong enough," "I can't imagine not being able to call, e-mail or see you anymore" "I'm just not ready." "There is no way I can go NC." All of these things made me put off doing what was right. I had distanced myself so far from my husband emotionally that I thought I really needed OM for the emotional support and friendship I used to have with my H. I just want to tell you that you are stronger than you think. While you are in the affair, it does seem like you could never be strong enough to stop because of your love for him, but you are. You won't know that though until you actually go NC - NOT LC. I tried LC a while back and failed. If you spend too much time (like I did) worrying about not being strong enough, you are wasting precious time. Your future is so important. The longer you stay in an affair - love or no love - the longer you put off self-respect and real hope for a happy life. Please think about it. Don't trust your feelings now. Trust what is right. Do what is right. Love is not an excuse to do wrong. That was my "justification" for staying my affair (although now I think I was in such a dang fog, I know it wasn't true love). True love is not built on deception and betrayal. I read an old post today from a thread probably from last year that made me cringe. An OW said that when you love someone it's unrealistic to go NC. That is total crap. It's not going to be easy, but it IS realistic and it does work... and you will NOT regret it.

 

Thanks Janey for your words of wisdom. I really do appreciate them. I tried going NC. Started on Thanksgiving and lasted 6weeks. Although it was more like LC because even though I blocked him from my cell, my email and my IM, he still found ways to get a hold of me, leave me messages, send emails to my work email, all pleading for me to come back and see him, talk to him because he "loves" me. when I could see the call coming in was from him on my work phone, I wouldn't answer. so, he figured out that he would just call me from another work phone that I didn't know. He wont let me go!

 

I know, I know. I'm giving him all the control. I know this and I don't know how to fix it. My problem is I love him, I don't want to end this relationship, I want to end the affair. I cannot accept the role of OW, which is why I am trying to figure out how to end it. I need to gain the strength and honestly, I think the only way will be, when the love turns into hate. I cannot even imagine that right now but Iknow that if I continue down this road, I will eventually hate him.

 

Every day I come here and I gain a little more perspective. I get a little bit stronger. I don't see him everyday like I used to. I tell him NO a lot more than I used to. I just thought that IF... IF I had someone else in my life, then and only then would he finally let me go.

 

 

Thanks to all of you for giving me my little pieces of strength back.

[woinlove]

It's clear from this thread that there are different perspectives on the timing of getting involved with someone new. I think spending time alone between Rs is great because it can make you stronger and happier with yourself. However, sometimes we connect with another and learn something important we might not have learned so soon otherwise. So, I don't have any firm position on the timing issue, but it seems in your case, hoah, you might be thinking that you have to end things but think you may need a new love interest to do that. I suspect whether a new love interest enters the picture or not, you'll have to do the work of separating yourself from MM in either case.

 

No matter what happens, it's great that you are feeling a bit stronger. Keep doing whatever gives you strength to make sure you are living the life you want.