Stressed&Sad About Situation With my EXBF

[Butterfly5525]

My EXBF broke up with me six months ago after 3 years of us being in an exclusive relationship together. Almost every single day for the past six months, he has either called or texted me practically telling me he still loves me, misses me & pretty much practically begging me to go back out with him. I kept saying no though partly because I would scared that he might break my heart all over again (as this is actually the 2nd time he's broken up with me) & I also kept saying no because originally I really didn't want to settle for anything less than us getting engaged/married because I figured after 3 years he should know by now whether or not I'

m

the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. (By the way, I'

m

33 & he's 35).

 

About a month ago though after 5 months apart, I had a major change of heart & decided that although I do love him a lot & would love to marry him & have a family with him someday, at this point I just want to BE with him regardless of the actual "title" of our relationship.

 

So

, I agreed to go back out with him (as his girlfriend). We'd been hanging out for the past few weeks (at my house and also things like going out to dinner together) & we had sex a few times recently. The sex was great but I can see now that it was actually probably a really bad idea because he originally kept saying he wants to work things out with me/get back together, but pretty much since I started sleeping with him again recently he's now basically back pedaling me & telling me he's not sure if he's "ready" for us to be

bf

&

gf

again. I can't help but be really angry&devastated that for all these months this man has BEGGED for me to go back out with him &then when I FINALLY agree to it, he's not exactly acting like he's eager for us to go back out again.

 

For example, when he agreed about a week ago for us to go back out & I suggested we change our FB statuses now that we were supposedly "officially" going back out, he kept making excuses not to do it (like tired now but i'll do it tomorrow morning, etc. but then he'd never do it). This of course upset me & when I called him about it, that's when he finally admitted that he's not sure if he's ready yet for us to go back out yet & he basically told me that he'll let me know when he's ready for us to go back out again.

 

He says stuff to imply that he thinks we'll still be able to see other in the meantime (until he's "ready" for us to be

bf

&

gf

again) & I'

m

SO

not okay with that because I want to be in an exclusive, committed relationship & not just somebody's f*** buddy while they keep me on the back burner &keep searching for other girls to see if there's any other woman out there that's "better" than me)! He denies that he's doing that (trying to keep me on the backburner while he sees what else is out there but it's obvious to me that's what's going on because otherwise why wouldn't he be jumping at the chance to go back out with me right now, especially when he begged me almost DAILY for the past 5 to 6 months to go back out with him)!

 

I'

m

pretty much at my wits end with this whole situation because I love this man

so

very much yet I'

m

so

sick & tired of feeling like he's jerking me around. Because I started sleeping with him again recently before us getting back together was firmly established, he seems to be thinking why go back out with her when she's giving me no strings attached sex? However, I'

m

starting to become really unhappy with this situation because it really breaks my heart that I love this man

so

much that I want to marry him & here he is apparently not sure if he even wants me back as his girlfriend. I'

m

at the point now where I feel like I either want to be in his life 110% (at least as his

gf

) or else I don't think want to to be in his life at all. I've told him this before at least a few times over the past few months. However, it just seems to go in one ear & out the other & I'

m

sure it's because he has no reason really to take me seriously since I'll say stuff like I can't do this anymore, if you don't want me to be your

gf

then I'

m

moving on, yet then I've continued to see him/sleep with him and/or at least still talk on the phone with him. (Although at this point it's now been 2 weeks since I last agreed to see him&yes we slept together that last time I saw him 2 weeks ago).

 

<B>Last Thursday (1 week ago), EXBF called me & we had this long heart to heart type conversation where he said all the "right" things & he made it sound as if he was ready for us to start dating again & spend the weekend together. Well, to make a long story short...turns out that he clearly was NOT being sincere as he changed his mind about being ready to get back together & we didn't spend the weekend together.

So

, this last weekend ended up being just awful for me (lots of crying) as I just felt

so

disappointed to realize that once again he was basically just full of crap about being ready to get back together with me.

 

I decided that I just can't take being jerked around like this anymot it's time for me to go no contact. I sent him an email on Facebook a few days ago (Tuesday) morning that said:

 

(EXBF's Name),

 

I really want to be in an exclusive, committed relationship & since you apparently don't want that with me, I'

m

moving on now.

 

If/when you're actually serious about us getting back together, I will consider possibly getting back together with you if I'

m

still available/single at that point.

 

From this moment on, I won't be contacting you at all anymore & I really mean it this time. Please don't contact me at all either unless&until you're truly serious about wanting me to be your girlfriend again.

I've managed

so

far to stay strong yet he continues to try & contact me every day. (Sends me texts & leaves me voice mail messages). One message he left me yesterday said something about how he was just calling to see if I really meant what I said about how I don't want to talk to him unless&until we're

bf

&

gf

again & he said he misses talking to me

so

he probably will be making those changes soon. (However, I suspect that he might be once again just telling me what he thinks I want to hear/giving me false hope).

 

Do you guys think I'

m

doing the right thing by going totally

NC

with him (knowing that ideally I'd love to get back together with him&have things hopefully last for good this time)? Any advice about this would be much appreciated. Thanks!

Edited January 29, 2011 by Butterfly5525

[bluebirdsfly]

You are doing the right thing Butterfly. This guy is not a keeper. He has commitment issues and he won't commit to you unless he has truly changed, which won't happen overnight or might require some life changing event/epiphany to make it happen. He's definitely not a marriage material. Leave him ASAP. The person who will fully committed to you is still waiting somewhere out there.

 

Be strong!

[Butterfly5525]

Thanks for your input bluebirds. One thing that's been especially hurtful about all this is that when I asked him why he begged me for all those months to be his gf again (back when I didn't want to settle for anything less than being his fiancee) & now that I'm agreeing to this why isn't he thrilled & basically jumping at the chance, he said that he thought I would have lost more weight by now.

 

He says he's kind of scared that if we go back out now I won't continue losing weight & then he'll go back to not feeling fully satisfied with me. It's not like I'm huge but I definitely could stand to lose some weight. I was a size 14 when we met & I'm currently still a size 14 right now (although I just starting counting calories lately & working out again & have lost 7 pounds so far). When I pointed out to him that when we first started dating & for probably at least the first year or so afterwards, he acted like he was just wildly attracted to me, wanted sex with me alot, etc but I guess he must not feel that way about me anymore.

 

He's a really good looking guy & in great shape so I guess it was stupid of me to expect him to want to marry me while I'm still overweight. For most of my adult life (up until about 7 years ago), I was actually always quite thin & attractive (size 6&around 120 lbs) but then I went through a really depressing period in my life & put a bunch of weight on. It seems like I still get checked out quite a bit when I'm out places but definitely not to the extent that I used to when I was thinner. Exbf says that when we first started dating I told him that I was losing weight (which was true)& so I guess he's understandably dissapointed that three years later I'm still nowhere near my goal weight. (Although I'm finally working hard now on getting to my goal weight).

 

It just really sucks though because since he had sex with me a few times recently, it makes me feel like crap because it's like he obviously must think I'm good enough/attractive enough to f**k but not good enough to be his actual gf. So, I knew I needed to lose weight anyways even before all this but this has just been a real blow to my self esteem. I have a few dating profiles up & have been asked out on dates by lots of different guys but I haven't gone on any of them because now I'm so worried that if apparently exbf doesn't think I'm attractive, then why are they going to think that?

 

I really think though that there probably is more to it though than just him wanting me to lose weight (like commitment issues). One reason I say that is that a few months back, I saw a pic of him on his FB of him & his new gf (they only lasted or one week supposedly before they split up) & she certainly didn't like any thinner than me! She looked about the same as me (weight wise) or maybe even a little heavier than me & I think most people would probably say that I have a much prettier face than she does. When I asked him about this (why it wasn't a problem to him that SHE is overweight), he said some crap about how that was okay because he knew she wasn't looking for anything serious. This makes me cry even just thinking about it because I feel like if he really loved me he'd want to be with me now WHILE I'm losing weight. I guess he just doesn't have much of a reason to take me seriously that I really WILL get to my goal weight since I've been telling him that off and on for 3 years now.

[Am4Real]

He may have missed you but he missed the physical contact (sex) as well. Once you gave him that his “drive” for you was exhausted; that led him back to whatever was in his mind and heart when you two broke up the first time, hence he’s back to not being sure about you both.

 

One poster called it commitment issues however I think that is over-generalized. I tend to think he is finding he was in lust for you once you two were apart and not he’s coming to terms that he does not really love you in a forever way that you do for him.

 

Some thing’s are meant to work and some are not. This sounds like it’s not!

 

So sorry.

 

Be brave and prepare yourself accordingly for your next steps.

 

Best wishes,

 

Am4Real

[bluebirdsfly]

He's a really good looking guy & in great shape so I guess it was stupid of me to expect him to want to marry me while I'm still overweight.

 

Honey, I really don't think your weight is the central problem here. This is just a convenient excuse he's been using. He knows that the weight problem has been bothering you and he uses this to lower your self-esteem and make you think it's been your fault he couldn't commit. I mean, think about it, it's been 3 years and he's been in his thirties. If he's the kind if guy who wants to settle down and really thinks your weight is the main problem, he would have broken up with you some time ago and find another girl to go "happily ever after", unless settling down has never been in his plan, right? Guys in their thirties, if they want to commit, usually would know whether they want to marry you around one year, if marriage is ever in their plan. He's been dragging you along because he thinks you are a good companion, probably the best companionship he's ever had, which could explain why he couldn't let you go, but he loves himself only. The (bachelor) life right now is what he wants for himself and he's living it. You should live the life you want for yourself too. In the area I　live and there are a lot of guys in their late thirties/forties and have never been married, because they simply don't want to. Next time don't wait so long.

 

 

For most of my adult life (up until about 7 years ago), I was actually always quite thin & attractive (size 6&around 120 lbs) but then I went through a really depressing period in my life & put a bunch of weight on.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I totally understand. This happened to me during high school and the depression was so serious that I had to stop schooling for a year to get back. I have the family history of psychological problems and I know that when you have this problem, weight-control is an ongoing effort. BUT, he's been using the weight problem to manipulate you, changing the focus of the issue from him to you.

 

Well, now cut all your contact with him and after a while you will see things much more clearer than now. My own breakup happened 8 weeks ago and from the 7th week, I suddenly remembered all the tiny red flags that he's not really serious about me from the very beginning, even though he said all the right things to have made me believe he was sincere. I have been well manipulated. So stay strong. You will definitely feel better if you stick to absolute NC. Block him and don't check facebook ever again. Read the classical posts on NC here. And sorry if anything reads funny, English is not my native language:)

 

Hang in there and don't give in this time. Simply move on:love:

Edited January 29, 2011 by bluebirdsfly

[Butterfly5525]

Thanks so much for your input AM4Real & bluebirdsfly. I really appreciate it.

[olia]

Oh my God its strange that some cases are so similar. I was dating this guy for almost an year and suddenly one day he changed his heart and said he does not feel for me any more. I was size 14 when we met and now I am size 10 and he is not interested in me any more despite of the fact I changes my self so much in positive way. He was ok with me as long as I was physically close to him. We met on a marriage site so it was obvious we both were looking for marriage. I never nagged him he is 37 and now he says he want to pay attention to his work which he has been doing any way and he is pretty much settled. I am too career oriented and have excellent job already. So this is just an excuse. Your weight is not the problem. Problem is this guy. You have a lot of love to give and he does not deserve this. Do not waste your time. I miss my ex boy friend too he does not even contact me any more but I m not dying. I am not dating right now as I will be comparing the guys with him so I need my time to move on and then date men. My ex wanted to have sex too after break up but i never let it happen. I understand your situation but we as women need to be stronger.Lets do it together.

Honey, I really don't think your weight is the central problem here. This is just a convenient excuse he's been using. He knows that the weight problem has been bothering you and he uses this to lower your self-esteem and make you think it's been your fault he couldn't commit. I mean, think about it, it's been 3 years and he's been in his thirties. If he's the kind if guy who wants to settle down and really thinks your weight is the main problem, he would have broken up with you some time ago and find another girl to go "happily ever after", unless settling down has never been in his plan, right? Guys in their thirties, if they want to commit, usually would know whether they want to marry you around one year, if marriage is ever in their plan. He's been dragging you along because he thinks you are a good companion, probably the best companionship he's ever had, which could explain why he couldn't let you go, but he loves himself only. The (bachelor) life right now is what he wants for himself and he's living it. You should live the life you want for yourself too. In the area I　live and there are a lot of guys in their late thirties/forties and have never been married, because they simply don't want to. Next time don't wait so long.

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I totally understand. This happened to me during high school and the depression was so serious that I had to stop schooling for a year to get back. I have the family history of psychological problems and I know that when you have this problem, weight-control is an ongoing effort. BUT, he's been using the weight problem to manipulate you, changing the focus of the issue from him to you.

 

Well, now cut all your contact with him and after a while you will see things much more clearer than now. My own breakup happened 8 weeks ago and from the 7th week, I suddenly remembered all the tiny red flags that he's not really serious about me from the very beginning, even though he said all the right things to have made me believe he was sincere. I have been well manipulated. So stay strong. You will definitely feel better if you stick to absolute NC. Block him and don't check facebook ever again. Read the classical posts on NC here. And sorry if anything reads funny, English is not my native language:)

 

Hang in there and don't give in this time. Simply move on:love:

[Butterfly5525]

Thank you very much for your input Olia. It does sound like our stories are similar. You are right that I have a lot of love to give & don't deserve this. Also, as far as the sleeping with my ex thing, just wanted to point out to everyone that when I did that it's because I was under the impression that my ex & I were trying to work things out/reconcile.

 

It's been 4 days now since I've contacted him at all. The first few days he tried contacting me several times, yesterday I only heard from him once (one text just asking what I was up to) & then so far today I haven't heard from him at all. I feel like I probably should be relieved in a way that he's suddenly not contacting me much at all since it really hurts when he contacts me not to say that he wants me back but just to say hi or see what I'm up to. But...I actually feel pretty stresed & sad that I haven't heard from him at all today. Barely hearing from him at all yesterday was especially hard since I couldn't help but worry that he might have been on a date or maybe even having sex with someone else last night.

[Butterfly5525]

Also, when I've mentioned even thinking about possibly going out on a date with another guy, he normally gets all ticked off and/or stressed out about it. So, that really upsets me that he acts like he can't stand the thought of me dating/sleeping with other guys even though he apparently doesn't want to be with me! It's like he doesn't want to be with me but he doesn't want any other guy to have me either. That really makes me angry as I feel like that's a pretty selfish mentality for him to have.

[olia]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Hey Butterfly, [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I am glad you responded. My Ex is out of town and he has not called me now for five days . I am the one who last contacted him to know if he was fine. I have made a chart in which I have set my daily goals and I tick on it every day like calendar and one of which is NC.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I understand you had sex to reconcile things and that crossed my mind as well but I controlled. Yesterday I met a guy just for coffee although I do not plan anything serious with him as he is not my type but it was a good. It made me feel having guys is not that hard. He is not the only one. He is still on my mind day night and I still feel I want to get back to him. But every day its getting better. I have started yoga and people are complementing I am in great shape and do not look 29.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]You need to spend time on your self. You can always write to me and if no one is with you God is . Sometimes I just talk to God , blame him , fight with him but then I calm down. We get life once and we do not have to spoil it for someone who treats you like this. If he really cared he would have acted differently. I think you don’t have to tell him even that you are dating. Once you have built the confidence he will notice that. Even if he does not notice that who CARES!!!![/sIZE][/FONT]

Also, when I've mentioned even thinking about possibly going out on a date with another guy, he normally gets all ticked off and/or stressed out about it. So, that really upsets me that he acts like he can't stand the thought of me dating/sleeping with other guys even though he apparently doesn't want to be with me! It's like he doesn't want to be with me but he doesn't want any other guy to have me either. That really makes me angry as I feel like that's a pretty selfish mentality for him to have.

[olia]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Hey Butterfly, [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I am glad you responded. My Ex is out of town and he has not called me now for five days . I am the one who last contacted him to know if he was fine. I have made a chart in which I have set my daily goals and I tick on it every day like calendar and one of which is NC.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I understand you had sex to reconcile things and that crossed my mind as well but I controlled. Yesterday I met a guy just for coffee although I do not plan anything serious with him as he is not my type but it was a good. It made me feel having guys is not that hard. He is not the only one. He is still on my mind day night and I still feel I want to get back to him. But every day its getting better. I have started yoga and people are complementing I am in great shape and do not look 29.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]You need to spend time on your self. You can always write to me and if no one is with you God is . Sometimes I just talk to God , blame him , fight with him but then I calm down. We get life once and we do not have to spoil it for someone who treats you like this. If he really cared he would have acted differently. I think you don’t have to tell him even that you are dating. Once you have built the confidence he will notice that. Even if he does not notice that who CARES!!!![/sIZE][/FONT]

[Butterfly5525]

Olia,

Great job on bettering yourself with yoga. I really need to get back in exercising. I'm going to try & fit in a workout DVD today actually. Great job going on your coffee date! Is that the first date you've gone on since you & your ex broke up?

 

I didn't hear from my ex at all yesterday which was really hard. He for once is doing what I wanted which is basically to just leave me alone unless & until he's actually serious about getting back together. However, it just feels really weird not to hear from him at all because I'm just not used to it yet. Normally by now he'd be contacting me quite a bit because he'd be getting all stressed out that maybe he's lost me for good this time (since he still hasn't heard from me yet). So, it makes me kind of sad to think maybe he's found someone else & so he just doesn't care anymore. What can I do though? Nothing really so all I can do is try my best to stay busy & try not to think about it too much.

 

Do you guys think I'm really doing the right thing (in my situation & with the way he'd been jerking me around) by having no contact with him?

[Butterfly5525]

Update:

Just a few minutes after my last post on here, I got a text from my ex that said "miss you". Kind of nice to know that he's thinking about me but at the same time kind of makes me sad & ticked off since he's still not saying anything about wanting to get back together. Was tempted to write back & say "oh so you miss me but not enough to want me to be your girlfriend again"? I didn't respond though...

[bluebirdsfly]

Update:

Just a few minutes after my last post on here, I got a text from my ex that said "miss you". Kind of nice to know that he's thinking about me but at the same time kind of makes me sad & ticked off since he's still not saying anything about wanting to get back together. Was tempted to write back & say "oh so you miss me but not enough to want me to be your girlfriend again"? I didn't respond though...

 

 

Honey, you are not in the right mind now. You cannot see things clearly if he's still in you head. I understand that we girls usually have a much stronger emotional tie to the relationship, which makes it harder for us to give it up after so many years. BUT, what he 's doing right now is manipulation. He's been checking in from time to time to mess up your head and keep you around. Every time you allow it, you will stop from moving on. You need to focus on yourself completely. He has lived the life of his choice and you need to leave this guy to find the life you want.

 

Please cut all contact from this guy. If he doesn't respect your wish and initiates contact, please block him. You are missing out opportunities because of his selfish manipulation. And you are not progressing at all. Trust me, after you cut the contact completely for a while, you will see your situation with much more clairvoyance.

 

And also, this guy won't change.

[olia]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Amazing that he text at least. Mine sent me a text yesterday in the rudest way and I did not reply him too. So clearly he misses you otherwise he would not say so. In all cases you got to do what you are doing. Yes this was my first date but it was like not planned or something. Since then this guy is like after me and now I feel I m not ready yet for another relationship or date as in to in to a relationship. But this will be person to person.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri] I would suggest rather than staying at home and working out or yoga by your self join in a club or something where you can see different people not necessary men girls as well so you can interact . Also if you have paid for something you tend to pay more attention to it and you feel committed. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I deleted my Ex number and I was so wanting to call him yesterday night as I was missing him like hell but then since I did not have his new number because I never saved it I had no option but not to call him.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I agreed with bluebirdsfly and understand the manipulation process as I have been through this. [/FONT][/sIZE]"oh so you miss me but not enough to want me to be your girlfriend again"? [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]That should be the attitude. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Love [/sIZE][/FONT]

I am sorry for some reason there is is something wrong as all the commands apppear on my text. Can some one help

 

 

Honey, you are not in the right mind now. You cannot see things clearly if he's still in you head. I understand that we girls usually have a much stronger emotional tie to the relationship, which makes it harder for us to give it up after so many years. BUT, what he 's doing right now is manipulation. He's been checking in from time to time to mess up your head and keep you around. Every time you allow it, you will stop from moving on. You need to focus on yourself completely. He has lived the life of his choice and you need to leave this guy to find the life you want.

 

Please cut all contact from this guy. If he doesn't respect your wish and initiates contact, please block him. You are missing out opportunities because of his selfish manipulation. And you are not progressing at all. Trust me, after you cut the contact completely for a while, you will see your situation with much more clairvoyance.

 

And also, this guy won't change.

Edited February 2, 2011 by olia
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