sc58 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Hi everyone, Not sure if you remember me, but I posted a few months ago and had decided to stay with my MM after his promise to file for D at the end of January (after the holidays and their daughter's birthday). Well, it's the end of January, and surprise surprise, he hasn't filed. Apparently, I misunderstood, and he meant he would start "talking" to her about it by the end of January. Well, hell if i knew that, I wouldn't have waited all these months! In any case, they did talk about it. He picked up divorce papers and they talked about getting a mediator to help them fill out the forms. Not sure when that will happen as she is going on a business trip this weekend, and she needs time to look over the paperwork... I told him that since he has not filed, I was leaving. But he said that's not what he told me, and he's going through it right now and wants me to stay. I'm still deciding what to do. I spent the last 3 and a half months waiting for something that apparently was never gonna happen in the first place. And he says he doesn't know how long this whole process will take. But that he loves me and wants to be with me, the right way. That he wants to hold my hand in public and introduce me to his friends and family. But when? I suppose he has made some sort of progress, but I feel as if I'll be waiting forever... Anyway, I just wanted to post my update. Any comments or advice is greatly appreciated.
desertIslandCactus Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Hi everyone, Not sure if you remember me, but I posted a few months ago and had decided to stay with my MM after his promise to file for D at the end of January (after the holidays and their daughter's birthday). Well, it's the end of January, and surprise surprise, he hasn't filed. Apparently, I misunderstood, and he meant he would start "talking" to her about it by the end of January. Well, hell if i knew that, I wouldn't have waited all these months! In any case, they did talk about it. He picked up divorce papers and they talked about getting a mediator to help them fill out the forms. Not sure when that will happen as she is going on a business trip this weekend, and she needs time to look over the paperwork... I told him that since he has not filed, I was leaving. But he said that's not what he told me, and he's going through it right now and wants me to stay. I'm still deciding what to do. I spent the last 3 and a half months waiting for something that apparently was never gonna happen in the first place. And he says he doesn't know how long this whole process will take. But that he loves me and wants to be with me, the right way. That he wants to hold my hand in public and introduce me to his friends and family. But when? I suppose he has made some sort of progress, but I feel as if I'll be waiting forever... Anyway, I just wanted to post my update. Any comments or advice is greatly appreciated. If you read the some of the other stories on here, you will see that while sometimes the OW can get the MM to come live with her within months .. It still can take years for the D to happen and go through. You have to decide if you wish to wait years for ..... a cheater.
Confused4Now Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I think the most important thing is what have you been doing for yourself? Like other posters say....these things can take for years. He knows how long its going to take for him to get out and it has nothing to do with you. So focus on yourself...regardless of what he says. Don't make him your cake your life is your cake....let him be the icing on top or whoever comes along. I can assure you...you will be disappointed along the way cause things will not move fast enough for you.....Good luck to you and hugs.
whichwayisup Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Bullcrap you misunderstood him. He changed the rules along the way! Tell him to call you once the divorce is final. Do not stick around and be there for him during his divorce process. You've gone this long without him, you can go longer. Even more so since he said he wants to be proud and hold your hand in public. SO, do this the right way. Say goodbye, let him sort this out and once he's had time alone after his D, dealing with the loss and reaction and fallout, (family, friends, inlaws, house, money etc) THEN take things slowly and date him. Out of the affair dynamic and a new beginning based on respect, no lies, no sneaking around. Do you have actual proof that the papers were drawn up?
Author sc58 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 Bullcrap you misunderstood him. He changed the rules along the way! Tell him to call you once the divorce is final. Do not stick around and be there for him during his divorce process. You've gone this long without him, you can go longer. Even more so since he said he wants to be proud and hold your hand in public. SO, do this the right way. Say goodbye, let him sort this out and once he's had time alone after his D, dealing with the loss and reaction and fallout, (family, friends, inlaws, house, money etc) THEN take things slowly and date him. Out of the affair dynamic and a new beginning based on respect, no lies, no sneaking around. Do you have actual proof that the papers were drawn up? Actually, I have not gone this long without him. I saw him everyday during that time...Even the holidays. And the papers were not drawn up. He picked up papers to be filled out (they are blank). They will apparently be filling them out with a mediator within the next few decades.
silverplanets Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I think the most important thing is what have you been doing for yourself? Like other posters say....these things can take for years. He knows how long its going to take for him to get out and it has nothing to do with you. So focus on yourself...regardless of what he says. Don't make him your cake your life is your cake....let him be the icing on top or whoever comes along. I can assure you...you will be disappointed along the way cause things will not move fast enough for you.....Good luck to you and hugs. SC, I remember you as well. I agree with c4n ... you've got to focus on yourself. I'm struck by reading your post how a lot of it can be read as "shifting" responsibility onto him "He said ... he hasn't ... Now he says .... " etc etc Not accusing you of doing this but just highlighting that it would be more empowering to read this all as "I did " ... for example .. you made a conscious decision to give him 3 and a half months fully aware that it might or might not turn out how you hoped. No-one can say if that was a good or bad choice but what you should say to yourself is that YOU made that choice to wait, not him. Now the time YOU allocated is up and you have a new set of facts to consider. - so YOU need to think carefully as to if YOU believe that YOU misunderstood or not - YOU need to consider how happy you are to believe his statement of where he is now or whether YOU need your own proof. If the W is entirely "on-board" then YOU can talk to her??? - YOU need to consider how long it might take from now to get to where you want to be ..and i'd suggest you base it upon timescales YOU research and YOU believe - YOU need to ask yourself what YOU'RE missing out on in YOUR life during all this time - etc, etc Then YOU have a decision to make, not him, and that decision is YOURS and YOURS alone. There's no-one to blame here ... you made a choice and set a time to review it ... that time is now up and so you should make YOUR review. Does that makes sense??? Am genuinly not trying to criticise or be personal ... but am trying to re-frame how you are viewing it .... I agree the situation is not as you would have wanted it .. but the situation IS AS IT IS and so now you have a new decision to make. Shine your focus on you, your needs and making your decision that's right for you ... and then your power will be where it should be .. with you. He's been doing the same for himself .. making his decisions on what's best for him. You can choose again to wait ... not saying you can't ... but again it's a choice that YOU will make .. and you can't put any blame on him for not delivering if you do ... Feel for you Chris
Carrot2000 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Actually, I have not gone this long without him. I saw him everyday during that time...Even the holidays. And the papers were not drawn up. He picked up papers to be filled out (they are blank). They will apparently be filling them out with a mediator within the next few decades. Did he finally move out or are they still living together, but separated?
Author sc58 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Did he finally move out or are they still living together, but separated? Still living together, but separated. He doesnt stay at home on the weekends though.
Fieldsofgold Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Actually, I have not gone this long without him. I saw him everyday during that time...Even the holidays. And the papers were not drawn up. He picked up papers to be filled out (they are blank). They will apparently be filling them out with a mediator within the next few decades. Bless your heart! No, I didn't forget you, either. I remembered that the deadline was here, and wondered what had happened. I'm glad you came back to let us know. I agree that it is not at all likely YOU forgot something as important as what he said about divorcing. IMHO, this is just so much more malarky. Of course, I could be wrong. But I have seen too many times where the OW holds her love's hand through the whole process, even the divorce. He moves in with OW, and then either back to now xW, or wants "some space." It happens a lot. Even a divorce may not mean anything for the OW. Of course, it could work out just as he says. I guess the question is, how long are you willing to wait, and what are you willing to go through? Just please take care of yourself FIRST.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 she needs time to look over the paperwork... She'll need a whole lot more time for things other than paperwork. I doubt that him dropping this in her lap now will result in anything close to a completed divorce settlement in under a year. I would tell him 'adios - call me when the ink is dry" - if you don't he will simply keep telling you he needs 'time' as he (and his wife) are drawing this out. The less you are involved in his divorce, the more likely he will be to see it through to the end. If you are there by his side all along, divorced or not what really would be his incentive to go through with it if he knows you will be there either way?
Author sc58 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 I'm sorry, I'm confused, what do you mean he "picked up divorce papers"? How can you look over divorce papers that are not filed? Apparently, you can pick up a divorce packet for an uncontested divorce at the family court in our state.
SunsetRed Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought if 2 people were seriously getting a divorce, all they needed was a lawyer. Isn't a mediator for when people are trying to resolve a conflict? Also, I don't think there is any state that honors "living in separate rooms in the same house" as a true separation. I agree with the person who said that it's possible for us to get the MM to live with us at some point in the relationship, but the actual divorce will take years, if it happens at all and we'll always be 2nd best (or less) if we stay.
fooled once Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Bullcrap you misunderstood him. He changed the rules along the way! Tell him to call you once the divorce is final. Do not stick around and be there for him during his divorce process. You've gone this long without him, you can go longer. Even more so since he said he wants to be proud and hold your hand in public. SO, do this the right way. Say goodbye, let him sort this out and once he's had time alone after his D, dealing with the loss and reaction and fallout, (family, friends, inlaws, house, money etc) THEN take things slowly and date him. Out of the affair dynamic and a new beginning based on respect, no lies, no sneaking around. Do you have actual proof that the papers were drawn up? Sorry, but as someone who HAS divorced, there are not fill in the blank papers for someone to fill out. Each divorce is different, each situation is different. There are contested and uncontested divorces and various other grounds for divorce. Sorry I think he is stringing you along. He didn't misunderstand. He just has no plans to actually follow through. He figures you would stop nagging him.
Spark1111 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought if 2 people were seriously getting a divorce, all they needed was a lawyer. Isn't a mediator for when people are trying to resolve a conflict? Also, I don't think there is any state that honors "living in separate rooms in the same house" as a true separation. I agree with the person who said that it's possible for us to get the MM to live with us at some point in the relationship, but the actual divorce will take years, if it happens at all and we'll always be 2nd best (or less) if we stay. No, mediators are officers of the courts (often attorneys) and cost a fraction of an attorney! If the couple is not contesting anything, can sit down and agree to an amicable splitting of assets, it is a quick and easy and cheap way to divorce. The couple agrees and the mediator submits the papers and the process is completed fairly quickly. The mediator, unlike two separate attorneys who make more money the more the litigate each other, speaks with the couple at the same time and tries to facilitate a painless divorce.
Spark1111 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Sorry, but as someone who HAS divorced, there are not fill in the blank papers for someone to fill out. Each divorce is different, each situation is different. There are contested and uncontested divorces and various other grounds for divorce. Sorry I think he is stringing you along. He didn't misunderstand. He just has no plans to actually follow through. He figures you would stop nagging him. Could be some truth to this, FO. Generally the couple makes an appointment to meet with the mediator together, (at least in NY) and he/she fills out the forms with the couple present agreeing to the terms of the divorce. The mediator then fills them out, both sign, when in agreement, and files the papers to the divorce court. But I suppose you could pick up a packet in advance. Mediation calls for all the cards to be on the table and a lot of joint paperwork and documentation is necessary.
twinsmom Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Do you KNOW that he showed his wife these "papers"? Reading some of your previous posts, you actually said that you don't entirely trust him. Here's your post from October: That's the thing - I don't completely trust him. He told me all this before. That he wanted to be with me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and wanted to get out of his marriage, not for me, but for himself because he knew the marriage was over, etc. And then his wife gave him a guilt trip about the vows they made to each other and family and he threw me under the bus and said he had to try and work things out with his wife. Sorry to say it, but he sounds like a master manipulator to me. Still living together, but separated? Is this a legal separation? Does SHE even know that they are "separated"? Does she really even know that he wants a divorce? You said that he "threw you under the bus". Does that mean that they had a D-day, and she knows about you? If that's not the case, and she doesn't even know that you exist, then I'm sorry to say that I believe he's been feeding you a load of BS the entire time. Also, if that's the case, then I don't think he's even discussed divorce with her. I think he's stringing you along just as long as he can, and as long as you let him. I think he has no intention of divorcing his wife, I think he has never had that intention ,and I doubt he even presented her with "papers". I could be very wrong with my assumptions, and I'm sorry if I am. That's the way I perceive it. Good luck to you.
desertIslandCactus Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 SC, You have to decide if you wish to wait for him, no matter what .. Or give him time limits on circumstances beyond your control. As another poster mentioned: Your best bet would be that of doing your own thing - with your own life.
Author sc58 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 ' You can buy a "do it yourself" divorce kit in most chain office supply stores. Fill in the blank. Also, at least here, if you go to the county clerk's office, they have a similar kit you can get that's styled specifically for our county courts. I think this is what he did. He went to the county clerk's office and picked up a divorce packet, that included instructions for filling out the forms. I have no proof that he actually showed these to his wife, but I do know that he got them.
Author sc58 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Sorry to say it, but he sounds like a master manipulator to me. Still living together, but separated? Is this a legal separation? Does SHE even know that they are "separated"? Does she really even know that he wants a divorce? You said that he "threw you under the bus". Does that mean that they had a D-day, and she knows about you? If that's not the case, and she doesn't even know that you exist, then I'm sorry to say that I believe he's been feeding you a load of BS the entire time. Also, if that's the case, then I don't think he's even discussed divorce with her. I think he's stringing you along just as long as he can, and as long as you let him. I think he has no intention of divorcing his wife, I think he has never had that intention ,and I doubt he even presented her with "papers". I could be very wrong with my assumptions, and I'm sorry if I am. That's the way I perceive it. Good luck to you. Thank you for your reply. They are not legally separated, but apparently she is the one that said they are "officially separated" back in November. They had a few talks a few months ago, so she does know that he wants a divorce, but she had wanted to try and work things out. I guess now, she has agreed to the divorce, and they want things to go as amicably as possible, which why I suppose they are going to see a mediator. There was no D-Day, and she does not know about me. Nor would I want her to know...
pureinheart Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Hi SC, So glad you posted...OMG, this is so hard because there is time and heart invested...SC, I don't even know what to say except we're here for you ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
East7 Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Hi SC I remember about your story too. He gave you a carrot 3 months ago and he will probably give you another one now to hold on. He may as well divorce but people who want to divorce don't stay under the same roof, he would had moved out long time. What you are doing is modeling your life based on HIS choices. He has control over you life and he will make you wait as long as you leave him the choice to make you wait. You are giving yourself for granted, why should he feel the urge to move out ? Now if you want to get control on your life, ask yourself "what do I want ?", not what he wants. I want him out ! Is he doing that ? No! Did he had a chance to do it ? yes ! It is time to tell him goodbye. If he really wants to be with you, he knows where to find you.
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