kooki Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Hi Everyone, PLEASE HELP, I am in a horrible state of mind, extremely depressed. I need you to be honest with me about what to do with my ex-boyfriend that I have gotten back together with. I need you to tell me if I am expecting too much and if I am being unfair. Basically, the story is this: I dated this guy I fell in love with for one year. I broke up with him end of September, because according to my friends, he was being emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I tried to get him to therapy to no avail. The relationship was too volatile. Then I broke up. Three months we were apart and he dated others while I also tried to date, but we still kept in contact and saw each other from time to time. He tried to get me back because he says he has never loved anyone like me, but I was not ready and didn't feel safe in the relationship. I didn't sleep with anyone during those months apart because I was just so heartbroken over him (I do love him very much). Anyway, he had told me during those 3 months apart, he was dating 3 girls, so I was hurt he was able to date so fast after we broke up, but I got over it and then we got back together. Also, during these months apart, he was drinking way too much and doing some drugs, and started smoking as well. I was worried for him. Now he’s not doing any of that. A couple of weeks ago, we got back together. Last weekend he told me a shocker -he was a total slut during those months we were apart. He slept with TONS of people, went to a sex club twice, and completely engaged in risky sexual behavior, in addition to the alcohol and drugs. I was so shocked and disgusted! Please someone tell me, is this normal behavior?? I got so scared I ended up going to get tested for STI's and I am clear now. I used a condom with him every time while he was dating others. So now, he’s all settled down with me, and is happy. But, he's weird. He has a stressful job, but he claims he loves me and wants a family with me, and I am the one for him and says these AMAZING things to me in words all the time. He says he will not be abusive, he will be understanding and loving. BUT, he doesn't want to spend one full day with me during the 7 day week. I got so angry at him because I feel we're not spending quality time together. He says he needs time to do his errands and stuff. I said, I am not asking to spend 7 days with you, or 6 or 5, just maybe one full day with you on your days off. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?? In the beginning, a year ago, we used to spend SO much time together, but at that time, he wasn't working this job. I am not asking for the same, but just maybe one day a week where we spend the whole day together. He doesn’t want to give me that. His way is to spend a few hours a night, two nights a week or so. For example, yesterday, he had the whole day off, and did his own thing, worked out, did errands, etc. and came to see me at 11pm and stayed until 1am. He left to go home even though I wanted him to cuddle with me all night. (He hates my bed though.) Today, again, it’s his day off, and he wants to see me tonight at 6pm. I was hoping to spend all day today with him, because the rest of the week we won’t see each other, although we might see each other tomorrow night a bit. Is that too much to ask?? I don’t know how to come to a compromise with this. I always feel so hurt.
flow15 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Hi Everyone, PLEASE HELP, I am in a horrible state of mind, extremely depressed. I need you to be honest with me about what to do with my ex-boyfriend that I have gotten back together with. I need you to tell me if I am expecting too much and if I am being unfair. Basically, the story is this: I dated this guy I fell in love with for one year. I broke up with him end of September, because according to my friends, he was being emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I tried to get him to therapy to no avail. The relationship was too volatile. Then I broke up. Three months we were apart and he dated others while I also tried to date, but we still kept in contact and saw each other from time to time. He tried to get me back because he says he has never loved anyone like me, but I was not ready and didn't feel safe in the relationship. I didn't sleep with anyone during those months apart because I was just so heartbroken over him (I do love him very much). Anyway, he had told me during those 3 months apart, he was dating 3 girls, so I was hurt he was able to date so fast after we broke up, but I got over it and then we got back together. Also, during these months apart, he was drinking way too much and doing some drugs, and started smoking as well. I was worried for him. Now he’s not doing any of that. A couple of weeks ago, we got back together. Last weekend he told me a shocker -he was a total slut during those months we were apart. He slept with TONS of people, went to a sex club twice, and completely engaged in risky sexual behavior, in addition to the alcohol and drugs. I was so shocked and disgusted! Please someone tell me, is this normal behavior?? I got so scared I ended up going to get tested for STI's and I am clear now. I used a condom with him every time while he was dating others. So now, he’s all settled down with me, and is happy. But, he's weird. He has a stressful job, but he claims he loves me and wants a family with me, and I am the one for him and says these AMAZING things to me in words all the time. He says he will not be abusive, he will be understanding and loving. BUT, he doesn't want to spend one full day with me during the 7 day week. I got so angry at him because I feel we're not spending quality time together. He says he needs time to do his errands and stuff. I said, I am not asking to spend 7 days with you, or 6 or 5, just maybe one full day with you on your days off. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?? In the beginning, a year ago, we used to spend SO much time together, but at that time, he wasn't working this job. I am not asking for the same, but just maybe one day a week where we spend the whole day together. He doesn’t want to give me that. His way is to spend a few hours a night, two nights a week or so. For example, yesterday, he had the whole day off, and did his own thing, worked out, did errands, etc. and came to see me at 11pm and stayed until 1am. He left to go home even though I wanted him to cuddle with me all night. (He hates my bed though.) Today, again, it’s his day off, and he wants to see me tonight at 6pm. I was hoping to spend all day today with him, because the rest of the week we won’t see each other, although we might see each other tomorrow night a bit. Is that too much to ask?? I don’t know how to come to a compromise with this. I always feel so hurt. Hi, I feel like I'm reading my own story!!! I'm going, or should I say went, through more or less the same thing as you. My ex broke up with me for different reasons, (because he couldnt be in a relationship), and the 3 months we were apart he was going out all the time, getting sooo drunk, doing drugs, sleeping around! Exactly like your ex! I wouldn't worry about that though, I think its pretty normal for guys to be like especially after they've split up with someone. T We got back together last week, and I too felt like I was the one making all the effort and the few days we had got back together I was really upset and feeling awful, purely because it just wasn't the same like it was in the beginning. Before he used to want to see me all the time, and he used to make soo much effort. I made the mistake last week in complaining to him and telling him that I feel I'm making all the effort, and he ended it once again. He said he felt too much pressure as he can't be in a relationship. I think you really need to think about whether this is truely what you want. Your relationship will never be how it was in the beginning, and for it to work a second time round you both have to be putting in the same amount of effort... Try talking to him, but if he's anything like my ex, it will send him running! I suggest you end it before he ends it with you, and find someone who appreciates you!!!
Kamille Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 You have to decide what you want. In your shoes, I would not put up with the 11pm leave at 1 am "dates". (More like booty call, no?) I know you likely love him and want to spend time with him, but your job is protecting the relationship. If what he offers is going to upset you, refuse it and tell him what you wants. Say he says: honey I can drop by after work at 11 pm, tell him: No, I'm not interested in a late night hook up. How about we take time for a real date tomorrow? As to what he did while you were apart... Gross, but the fact remains: you were not dating as an exclusive couple (if I understand correctly though, you were still hooking up). Try to stop asking and discussing that time.
Author kooki Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Hi Flow15, Yes, my ex also bent over backwards in the beginning. I read your story too. I just feel so unloved the way he's treating me now. I don't want to ask a guy twice to give me more time. He's supposed to be my serious boyfriend that wants to marry me, what the hell? I just don't know what to do, i am having a hard time letting go of him. Over the three months that we were apart, I was the one that kept breaking up, and he kept reeling me in. But that's because I didn't feel safe to go back to him. Anyway, now, he's not being abusive, but it feels wrong. I keep thinking maybe I am selfish or it's me at fault??
Kamille Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Anyway, now, he's not being abusive, but it feels wrong. I keep thinking maybe I am selfish or it's me at fault?? It sounds to me like you're being the opposite of selfish. You're overlooking your own needs and desires and not standing up for what you want. I suggest we take some time to think about it. Could you tell me what your ideal relationship would feel like? How would he treat you? How would you feel? What are your basic needs?
flow15 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) Hi Flow15, Yes, my ex also bent over backwards in the beginning. I read your story too. I just feel so unloved the way he's treating me now. I don't want to ask a guy twice to give me more time. He's supposed to be my serious boyfriend that wants to marry me, what the hell? I just don't know what to do, i am having a hard time letting go of him. Over the three months that we were apart, I was the one that kept breaking up, and he kept reeling me in. But that's because I didn't feel safe to go back to him. Anyway, now, he's not being abusive, but it feels wrong. I keep thinking maybe I am selfish or it's me at fault?? Its not your fault, I too was blaming myself. But I realized that it isnt my fault and its not yours also. Maybe hes having second thoughts? I dont know, all I know is that we dont deserve to be feeling this way... When we got back together I too was feeling so unloved and so unhappy, and now even though we are not together anymore, I'm not feeling like crap anymore. You have to learn to let go and realize you deserve to be with someone who will give you time and who will bend over backwards for you and who will give you want you want Edited January 29, 2011 by flow15
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