Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Why did you cheat? Did you use condoms every time? How is your ex husband relationship with his girlfriend? How is your ex-husband's relationship, if any, with your current boyfriend? I cheated because I was selfish. Lonely, bored, and left alone consistently. I was at the time on my 6th year of being a stay at home mom. My ex h at the time was a work aholic, and engaged in his own sports... not leaving much room for "us"... anyways I dont want to give excuses here... thats not fair to my exh..now is it? Hindsight is 20/20 and I do have reasoning behind my affair. My ex has a great relationship with my new SO, they even play soccer together and coach my two boys together. I think this is what makes everything so much more difficult. His relationship with his own SO... not so good. So I heard. She's nice and good to my kids. And is a great influence... no worries there. As for the condoms used... during my affair......always. I would also like to mention that the affair was more about the "friendship" side of it. Not so much emphasis placed on the sex. The sex was not the focus, it was all about the friendship and communication. Sex was far and few in between. (Not that it denotes it at all). An affair is an affair. Plain and simple.
Distant78 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Actually, lawyers made no money off us at all.... even when divorcing, we completed our own agreement... fairly. During all this mess, the one thing we BOTH agreed on was that no lawyers get a red cent from either one of us!!!! But another marriage went down the drain due to infidelity, and two current relationships are already destroyed due to more infidelity.
Fight4Me Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I just dont want to mess things up on my kids. Although they have "two houses"... I dont want to jeopardize their stability right now... until I am certain!!! Does that seem selfish. I should also mention my SO also has a daughter whom lives with us 50% of the time, who I am also worried about. I dont want to just Jump out of this situation, unless I am certain. And at this point I am not. Selfish of me? Selfish? Not necessarily, but I would suggest at least asking your ex-h to attend individual counseling, as will you, and suggest putting aside discussions of reconciliation. Keep things on an appropriate level and that will also make the IC more effective. Right now, all these talks are confusing you more and more, and isn't healthy at this juncture. Then, go with Spark's suggestion of attending IC and sorting things out with yourself without any other influences. Everything will get much clearer after that. Good luck.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Selfish? Not necessarily, but I would suggest at least asking your ex-h to attend individual counseling, as will you, and suggest putting aside discussions of reconciliation. Keep things on an appropriate level and that will also make the IC more effective. Right now, all these talks are confusing you more and more, and isn't healthy at this juncture. Then, go with Spark's suggestion of attending IC and sorting things out with yourself without any other influences. Everything will get much clearer after that. Good luck. Thanks for the luck. I think I may need it
Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 But another marriage went down the drain due to infidelity, and two current relationships are already destroyed due to more infidelity. You are absolutely right. Infidelity is a terrible thing. It cost me the ultimate. My own family.
Goldenspoon Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 As for the condoms used... during my affair......always. I would also like to mention that the affair was more about the "friendship" side of it. Not so much emphasis placed on the sex. The sex was not the focus, it was all about the friendship and communication. Sex was far and few in between. (Not that it denotes it at all). An affair is an affair. Plain and simple. If you kept that "friendship" just a friendship, and never crossed the line to physical affair, your husband, as a man, would probably have given you another chance. It's hard for a man to swallow the fact that another man banged his wife, in addition to the ultimate betrayal from his own wife.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 If you kept that "friendship" just a friendship, and never crossed the line to physical affair, your husband, as a man, would probably have given you another chance. It's hard for a man to swallow the fact that another man banged his wife, in addition to the ultimate betrayal from his own wife. I am sure it was a tough pillow to swallow for my exh. I am in no means trying to pretty this up for anyone... it was sex, period! I never would of guessed I would end up in this place, ever. However.... second chances sometimes do come along after reflection. We have had plenty time for that. Ultimately an Affair for him was the end. No if's, and's or but's about it. Life is black and white, right and wrong... he could not see shades of gray and nothing less than perfection. Dont worry.... my lesson has been learned
Sal Paradise Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 Dont worry.... my lesson has been learned You sure about that? It sounds like to me that you're currently engaged in an emotional affair with your ex-husband.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 You sure about that? It sounds like to me that you're currently engaged in an emotional affair with your ex-husband. Can be seen as such. No disputing that. I am going to sort myself out and he himself. Individually. As for the future ... who knows?
What_Next Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 First and foremost be honest with your now SO. Tell him what is going on in your head. Give him the chance to make his own decision. Personally I'd suggest a seperation of sorts between you and your SO. Give yourself time to figure out what is going on in your own head. Only then can you have any idea of what you are looking for.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 First and foremost be honest with your now SO. Tell him what is going on in your head. Give him the chance to make his own decision. Personally I'd suggest a seperation of sorts between you and your SO. Give yourself time to figure out what is going on in your own head. Only then can you have any idea of what you are looking for. Blatant honesty with SO. Simple as that.
bornb4thewind Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I have a saying that I live by!! Don't F%$# with a fantasy!!! Four years is a long time. Long enough to glaze over all the things that led to your having an A as well as the pain and suffering caused by it. Your XH obviously played a part in your unsettledness and your need to stray and those things seem to disappear over time. Those issues have to be dealt with and resolved or you will just be picking up where you left off.
Author Guilt Ridden Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 I have a saying that I live by!! Don't F%$# with a fantasy!!! Four years is a long time. Long enough to glaze over all the things that led to your having an A as well as the pain and suffering caused by it. Your XH obviously played a part in your unsettledness and your need to stray and those things seem to disappear over time. Those issues have to be dealt with and resolved or you will just be picking up where you left off. There are no intentions on picking up where we left off. None what-so-ever. We are on a new clean slate. Your right... four years is a long time. Thats a lot of growing. We know what needs to be dealt with. Lets just start with ourselves first...and maybe (who knows) meet in the middle???
Recommended Posts