Reconciliation Possible after 4 year Divorce??

[Guilt Ridden]

I have been divorced 4 years now, from my husband .... after MY affair. He filed for divorce 3 months after finding out and I never stood a chance at reconciliation.

 

4 years later, we have both moved on with "Other" people. We live with our significant others.. and share jointly our two boys 9 and 8.

 

He recently has contacted me, indicating that he has learned about his own involvment which lead to my affair and our divorce. He is seeking counselling, and has admitted to me he still loves me. I love him too. I feel as though everyone around us has moved on including our children, but him and I are stuck. Both carrying immense guilt.

 

I asked him if he thought we would be strong enought to pick up all the pieces and he says yes.... but we sometimes go days without speaking and I am not always sure where I stand with him. I have made it clear to him where he stands with me.

 

I dont know what to do, where to begin, or what my next step should be.....

 

I want to put our marriage back together... but how???

 

Advice please

[What_Next]

Well first, you both live with new SO? Do they know about this communication between you two? I'd say not likely. As weird as it sounds I certainly hope you aren't planning on cheating with your EX? If that's the case then what has changed to prevent you from cheating again should you 2 get back together?

 

Children are involved here, they've been through a lot. Be sure, be VERY sure before acting.

[Distant78]

I have been divorced 4 years now, from my husband .... after MY affair. He filed for divorce 3 months after finding out and I never stood a chance at reconciliation.

 

4 years later, we have both moved on with "Other" people. We live with our significant others.. and share jointly our two boys 9 and 8.

 

He recently has contacted me, indicating that he has learned about his own involvment which lead to my affair and our divorce. He is seeking counselling, and has admitted to me he still loves me. I love him too. I feel as though everyone around us has moved on including our children, but him and I are stuck. Both carrying immense guilt.

 

I asked him if he thought we would be strong enought to pick up all the pieces and he says yes.... but we sometimes go days without speaking and I am not always sure where I stand with him. I have made it clear to him where he stands with me.

 

I dont know what to do, where to begin, or what my next step should be.....

 

I want to put our marriage back together... but how???

 

Advice please

 

So basically you cheated, he divorced you, you're both with other people, and for some crazy reason he somehow becomes guilty for your cheating on him:confused:, and now both of you are cheating on your SOs, planning to "rescue each other" right? Now not only are you a repeat cheater, but your ex-husband is now a cheater himself. My advice is you need to tell your SO what you've been doing behind his back and let him decide if he wants someone who will plan to leave him for their ex.

[carhill]

Anything is possible.

 

Get some IC to better understand your psychology and responsibilities here. If *you* want to reconcile with your exH, end your current R. What he does is up to him. It's a risk. You hopefully learned something from your past affair and will seek a different path than infidelity.

 

Welcome to LS

[Owl]

If you both seriously want to consider trying again...end your current relationships FIRST.

 

Don't do to them what you did to him.

 

THEN see what might happen.

[Guilt Ridden]

your a tough crowd! Just what I was looking for. I somehow want to conjur up this image of a love story reconcilliation... with a warm ending.

 

Your right, if we me & exh... continue, its just the same as the initial affair in the first place.

 

We have no intention of cheating on our current significant others... we are in the midst of sorting out our feelings.. and we do need to communicate with each other about them, especially if we both feel the same way.

 

Then if we determine we are on the same "page"... we will then make the next step... I suppose would be to be honest with our Significant Others.

 

Iam not even sure it will lead to this?

 

My family is at stake here. Who wouldnt try to put their family back together if given the chance???

[carhill]

Unfortunately, from the moment you and your ex came into contact and 'feelings' were discussed, each of your SO's became placeholders, merely people occupying your space until you and your exH make a decision. You'll do what you'll do and your respective SO's will feel what they feel and life will go on. At some point in life, probably when someone close to you dies, you'll reflect upon your choices and how you've lived. I hope that goes well. Good luck

[Snowflower]

He recently has contacted me, indicating that he has learned about his own involvment which lead to my affair and our divorce. He is seeking counselling, and has admitted to me he still loves me. I love him too. I feel as though everyone around us has moved on including our children, but him and I are stuck. Both carrying immense guilt.

 

I asked him if he thought we would be strong enought to pick up all the pieces and he says yes.... but we sometimes go days without speaking and I am not always sure where I stand with him. I have made it clear to him where he stands with me.

 

 

Re: the bolded...

 

This is the part that concerns me...are you sure your xH is interested in reconciling? I understand that you have been divorced for 4 years and that your life and his has gone on individually but if you're not sure where you stand with him...

 

I think that you need to explore that.

 

I also agree with all the posters here in that you and your xH need to end the relationships you are in first..before pursuing a reconciliation between the two of you.

 

Not that this does you any good now but this is why some people say that the BS should wait a year after an affair is discovered, if possible, before making any big decisions regarding the future.

Edited January 28, 2011 by Snowflower

[Spark1111]

Re: the bolded...

 

This is the part that concerns me...are you sure your xH is interested in reconciling? I understand that you have been divorced for 4 years and that your life and his has gone on individually but if you're not sure where you stand with him...

 

I think that you need to explore that.

 

I also agree with all the posters here in that you and your xH need to end the relationships you are in first..before pursuing a reconciliation between the two of you.

 

Not that this does you any good now but this is why some people say that the BS should wait a year after an affair is discovered, if possible, before making any big decisions regarding the future.

 

Good points snow!

 

I agree IC (Individual Counseling) is the place to start to sort out your feelings!

 

I do not find going days without contact so unusual in this situation. Your husband has told you his feelings and will not pressure you.

 

Do you love him? Do you know why you have cheated?

 

There will come a time, if this progresses, that you will both have to attend couples counseling together.

 

So here is the first action, after therapy, that has to be taken: Telling your SOs the truth.

 

Are you willing to let your SO go for the sake of the possibility of reconciling? Because it may or may not happen.

 

This is also not all that unusual. Many do regret quickly divorcing after discovery of an affair.

 

Your H has found a lot of courage in IC to admit what he did to you.

 

How do you feel about HIM, the man?

[Guilt Ridden]

I am not confident where I stand with this man. We are so broken. You are right, I need to find out for sure exactly where I stand!

 

Life has moved on ... 4 years now. However, we both are in agreeance that Everybody has adapted to this but the two of us... feeling left behind.

 

Our families are accepting of the "new significant others" we have welcomed into our lives. They are good people, and good influences on our children. Our friends have all adapted, and even our own children are settled.

 

My exh and I both feel as though life without each other is like putting a square peg in a round hole.

 

Iam just scared and totally confused. I am for the mostpart happy with my new so, but life is just not the same when your trying to blend a family.

 

I feel so lost and confused???? I feel as though I am in the wrong place.

[carhill]

Is your current SO your past OM?

[Snowflower]

I am not confident where I stand with this man. We are so broken. You are right, I need to find out for sure exactly where I stand!

 

Have you gone to IC (individual counseling)? Do you understand what you led you to cheat on your husband?

Life has moved on ... 4 years now. However, we both are in agreeance that Everybody has adapted to this but the two of us... feeling left behind.

 

The saying goes, "time heals all wounds."

 

IMO, a more accurate phrase, is that the passage of time allows for objectivity and a shift in perception to occur without all the painful emotions clouding the reality of the situation.

 

So 4 years have gone and you and possible your xH feel that you haven't adapted. That is interesting and again, something you each need to explore in IC.

Our families are accepting of the "new significant others" we have welcomed into our lives. They are good people, and good influences on our children. Our friends have all adapted, and even our own children are settled.

 

My exh and I both feel as though life without each other is like putting a square peg in a round hole.

 

Iam just scared and totally confused. I am for the mostpart happy with my new so, but life is just not the same when your trying to blend a family.

 

I feel so lost and confused???? I feel as though I am in the wrong place.

 

What do you mean when you say you feel you are in the wrong place?

 

Again, I think you need to explore your misgivings and feelings in IC. Something is not feeling right to you about your life as it is right now. Does that mean you should get back with your xH? Only you will be able to determine that.

 

So for now, I think you need to enter IC and maintain your distance from your xH except for your children. IMO, you need to do this to honor your current SO and keep your clarity about your situation.

 

Sparks post above was right on...please read it again.

[Guilt Ridden]

Is your current SO your past OM?

NO.. my current SO... is not my former affair partner.... I AM NOT THAT CRAZY!!!..lol

 

My affair ended immediately. No contact ever since. Not even once.

[carhill]

That's an interesting response, considering the totality of the situation here. Accepting that is was 'crazy' to not continue with someone you cared enough about to cheat on your husband with, and recognizing that this same person, now ex-husband, is who you apparently care enough about to de-prioritize your current committed relationship, what parallels can be drawn here? Do you see some 'crazy' on the horizon here? Why?

 

Disclaimer: Former MM and OM. Seen all sides of this issue, and over about 3 decades.

[xxoo]

My family is at stake here. Who wouldnt try to put their family back together if given the chance???

 

Your family is at stake, but not only in the way you are looking at it. Your children stand to lose their new "blended" family members--maybe completely (unlike after the divorce, when they still saw both parents).

 

Your kids are adjusted and loved where they are. Your family is fine--different, but fine.

 

 

My opinion--if you are in a relationship, be in it. Nothing good comes from spending time imagining being in another relationship. Are you happy with your current partner? What issues need to be addressed? What can you do to grow more invested in the relationship you are currently in, which is providing stability for your children? (certainly, fantasizing about your ex is not going to help you grow more invested in your current relationship)

 

The "what ifs" about possibly having a relationship with your ex are irrelevant, because you are already in a stable relationship and your children need you to be a grown up.

 

If your current relationship is NOT satisfying and stable, then end it. Not because of your ex in the wings, but because you are making the best choice for you and your children.

 

Stop talking to your ex about feelings between the two of you. Your children need to to be grown ups and be responsible partners to the people who love and support them. Enough of the fantasyland stuff! Your current relationship doesn't stand a chance if you are comparing it to a fantasy relationship with your ex.

[Owl]

I am not confident where I stand with this man. We are so broken. You are right, I need to find out for sure exactly where I stand!

 

I'm still not sure that you get it.

 

Even spending time trying to "find where you stand", trying to "figure our feelings out" is a betrayal of your current relationship with your current SO.

 

That's why you need to end that relationship (for it's own reasons) BEFORE exploring a relationship with your ex.

 

It's never fair to the person you're "with" if you're talking to someone else about what was or might be.

 

If you're not happy in your current relationship...end it.

 

If you THINK you'd rather be with your ex...end your current relationship BEFORE you explore that as a possibility.

 

Make sense?

[Distant78]

I mean we can try to put labels on this situation all day but the point remains both of you are cheating, and this is your second time going behind someone's back. Either way whatever you have now with your SO is broken and you might as well tell him now. Both of them don't need this.

[Goldenspoon]

NO.. my current SO... is not my former affair partner.... I AM NOT THAT CRAZY!!!..lol

 

My affair ended immediately. No contact ever since. Not even once.

 

Why did you cheat? Did you use condoms every time?

 

How is your ex husband relationship with his girlfriend? How is your ex-husband's relationship, if any, with your current boyfriend?

[Guilt Ridden]

That's an interesting response, considering the totality of the situation here. Accepting that is was 'crazy' to not continue with someone you cared enough about to cheat on your husband with, and recognizing that this same person, now ex-husband, is who you apparently care enough about to de-prioritize your current committed relationship, what parallels can be drawn here? Do you see some 'crazy' on the horizon here? Why?

 

Disclaimer: Former MM and OM. Seen all sides of this issue, and over about 3 decades.

 

your right. I am crazy!! but for the first time in my life...following my heart.....it feels crazy.

[amerikajin]

This is why I frequently butt heads with people on these infidelity forums, and this is exactly why I don't like this idea that if you get cheated on that you automatically have to get a divorce. I'm not saying that divorce shouldn't be considered, but let's just see it for what it is: it's a desire to strike back and get even with your spouse. It doesn't necessarily make anyone feel better in the long run; it just makes lawyers rich.

 

There are other intermediate steps that one can take before getting a divorce. I think separation, for example, is completely appropriate. By all means, give each other time and space to sort things out. Get counseling. Let affairs die down. Open up communication channels that don't exist. But divorce and getting lawyers and judges involved is the absolute last thing you should do. You should only get a divorce when you're absolutely certain that you want one and that there's absolutely no way you could ever fathom living under the same roof with that person again. That's something that takes time to figure out. It's just bad policy, IMHO, to get outside parties who couldn't give a f*ck whether you drop off the face of the earth tomorrow to settle marital problems.

 

One really bad consequence of this rush to divorce court is that, surprise, surprise, he's had time to reflect on his own behavior -- which he well should. The problem now is that you two have both moved on. The problem you now both face is that you guys are now involving other people, and you're going to hurt other people because you two failed to resolve your situation in an effective manner. The real losers here are the children you have and the third parties who had absolutely nothing to do with your past, and had entered the relationship assuming that that was all behind you.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but those are the real issues as I see them, not what happened between you guys several years ago.

[Distant78]

This is why I frequently butt heads with people on these infidelity forums, and this is exactly why I don't like this idea that if you get cheated on that you automatically have to get a divorce. I'm not saying that divorce shouldn't be considered, but let's just see it for what it is: it's a desire to strike back and get even with your spouse. It doesn't necessarily make anyone feel better in the long run; it just makes lawyers rich.

 

There are other intermediate steps that one can take before getting a divorce. I think separation, for example, is completely appropriate. By all means, give each other time and space to sort things out. Get counseling. Let affairs die down. Open up communication channels that don't exist. But divorce and getting lawyers and judges involved is the absolute last thing you should do. You should only get a divorce when you're absolutely certain that you want one and that there's absolutely no way you could ever fathom living under the same roof with that person again. That's something that takes time to figure out. It's just bad policy, IMHO, to get outside parties who couldn't give a f*ck whether you drop off the face of the earth tomorrow to settle marital problems.

 

One really bad consequence of this rush to divorce court is that, surprise, surprise, he's had time to reflect on his own behavior -- which he well should. The problem now is that you two have both moved on. The problem you now both face is that you guys are now involving other people, and you're going to hurt other people because you two failed to resolve your situation in an effective manner. The real losers here are the children you have and the third parties who had absolutely nothing to do with your past, and had entered the relationship assuming that that was all behind you.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but those are the real issues as I see them, not what happened between you guys several years ago.

 

Even if it is a desire to strike back at a cheater it's also about leaving a toxic relationship. If people don't want to stay in a relationship with a liar and a cheater then they're well within their rights. Lots of people, including myself just can't handle being with someone who behaved to that degree. Affairs damage relationships and lawyers gotta get paid eventually for their work.

[Fight4Me]

Amerkajin, no headbutting here... I totally agree with you on separating and giving it time before going straight to divorce.

 

I also agree with many here who say that you both need to explore this issue in individual counseling. You may find that the reasons you both feel the way you do is because there were things left unresolved, thus not meaning that you two need to get back together. On the other hand, you could find out the divorce was a huge mistake, but you both will have the tools to truly make it this time.

 

In regards to what Owl was saying, he's right. You are essentially engaging in an emotional affair with your ex and he with you. I hate to advise you to dump your SO, but he at least deserves to know you are having some issues that will require IC. He should get a say in how his life plays out.

 

This is a very interesting thread, one I have yet to come across.

[Guilt Ridden]

This is why I frequently butt heads with people on these infidelity forums, and this is exactly why I don't like this idea that if you get cheated on that you automatically have to get a divorce. I'm not saying that divorce shouldn't be considered, but let's just see it for what it is: it's a desire to strike back and get even with your spouse. It doesn't necessarily make anyone feel better in the long run; it just makes lawyers rich.

 

There are other intermediate steps that one can take before getting a divorce. I think separation, for example, is completely appropriate. By all means, give each other time and space to sort things out. Get counseling. Let affairs die down. Open up communication channels that don't exist. But divorce and getting lawyers and judges involved is the absolute last thing you should do. You should only get a divorce when you're absolutely certain that you want one and that there's absolutely no way you could ever fathom living under the same roof with that person again. That's something that takes time to figure out. It's just bad policy, IMHO, to get outside parties who couldn't give a f*ck whether you drop off the face of the earth tomorrow to settle marital problems.

 

One really bad consequence of this rush to divorce court is that, surprise, surprise, he's had time to reflect on his own behavior -- which he well should. The problem now is that you two have both moved on. The problem you now both face is that you guys are now involving other people, and you're going to hurt other people because you two failed to resolve your situation in an effective manner. The real losers here are the children you have and the third parties who had absolutely nothing to do with your past, and had entered the relationship assuming that that was all behind you.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but those are the real issues as I see them, not what happened between you guys several years ago.

 

You are absolutely right! Rush divorce and now 4 years later the consequences set in. And to boot, we have involved other people... including our children. I just want to do the right thing??? Whatever that may be?

[Guilt Ridden]

Amerkajin, no headbutting here... I totally agree with you on separating and giving it time before going straight to divorce.

 

I also agree with many here who say that you both need to explore this issue in individual counseling. You may find that the reasons you both feel the way you do is because there were things left unresolved, thus not meaning that you two need to get back together. On the other hand, you could find out the divorce was a huge mistake, but you both will have the tools to truly make it this time.

 

In regards to what Owl was saying, he's right. You are essentially engaging in an emotional affair with your ex and he with you. I hate to advise you to dump your SO, but he at least deserves to know you are having some issues that will require IC. He should get a say in how his life plays out.

 

This is a very interesting thread, one I have yet to come across.

 

I just dont want to mess things up on my kids. Although they have "two houses"... I dont want to jeopardize their stability right now... until I am certain!!! Does that seem selfish. I should also mention my SO also has a daughter whom lives with us 50% of the time, who I am also worried about.

 

I dont want to just Jump out of this situation, unless I am certain. And at this point I am not.

 

Selfish of me?

[Guilt Ridden]

Even if it is a desire to strike back at a cheater it's also about leaving a toxic relationship. If people don't want to stay in a relationship with a liar and a cheater then they're well within their rights. Lots of people, including myself just can't handle being with someone who behaved to that degree. Affairs damage relationships and lawyers gotta get paid eventually for their work.

 

Actually, lawyers made no money off us at all.... even when divorcing, we completed our own agreement... fairly.

 

During all this mess, the one thing we BOTH agreed on was that no lawyers get a red cent from either one of us!!!!