Author lululucy Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 You don't need to make a list to remind you why he isn't: just look and feel what his behaviour is doing to you now. I often think that we most learn about ourselves and our partners by the way we/they handle a break-up. By going back to him or responding to his contact, you're also teaching him as well about how to treat you and that's with disrespect. Commit to your decision in the first place. Go NC. That's the only way you can regain dignity and control. It's funny; I think I've taught him to treat me that way our entire relationship. I first joined LS two years ago to get advice after I'd found out he had cheated on me for a month or so.. I didn't leave him then, and I should have. I should have taught him to treat me with respect and maybe he would have grown up earlier than this. Or maybe I just would've been single for two years that I wasn't I think one of the hardest parts is not sending him messages to explain my behaviour between the break and him moving out (which only happened a week and a half ago). I was cold and I should not have been. But in the long run.. does it matter? I will keep up NC. Second day of it more than halfway over!
starryeyed12 Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I should have taught him to treat me with respect and maybe he would have grown up earlier than this. Or maybe I just would've been single for two years that I wasn't I can so relate to this. I taught my ex that it was okay to act the way he did toward me, and vice versa. In hindsight, if I could have just held my ground from the start it probably never would have lasted. What is it that makes us settle or put up with **** we know deep down inside isn't really good for us? Arrrrgggg
Author lululucy Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 I know! I could never imagine the girl I was before him letting someone talk to me like that -- hell, I wouldn't let someone I started dating NOW talk to me like that. He used the guise of "complete honesty" but honesty with a lack of empathy is just cruel. I learned facts about his cheating that I never ever wanted to know and it made it so much harder to get past. He is still completely honest with me (well, before I started NC), meaning I get to hear every detail of the girl he is now seeing, but with her he doesn't do that because it's "different". UGH.
starryeyed12 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Yeah, he sounds like a real piece of work. My ex could be the same. "Honesty" was just an excuse to have absolutely no filter. I hope you're doing well with NC....but if not it's cool bc I'll be here either way.
Author lululucy Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Anyone have any thoughts on this? Just received these texts.. Him: You ok lucy been thinking about you today (ten minutes later) Him: I know you dont want me to contact you so I will respect that. I will be by this week to take murray [our dog] out. Be strong. This hasn't thrown me the way I thought it would. I have perhaps been dwelling on "what do you mean you've been thinking about me??" a bit too much.. but it didn't make me upset. I haven't replied, I don't know if I should or not. If I did it would just be "okay :)" but now I think that's stupid. I just want him to want me. Sigh.
starryeyed12 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Don't do it! It's a trap! He said he respects your asking for no contact.....YET HE'S CONTACTING YOU. lol He's weak for you at this moment and is testing the waters to see if you are weak too. Take his "advice" and stay strong!
Author lululucy Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 I knowww I found that hilarious. Stupid FB chat caught up with me a minute ago but I think I played it pretty cool.. Him: Ignoring my texts? Me: No, just busy. Which day do you want to come get Murray? Him: Not 100%sure. hmmm. how are you? Me: Fine, thanks. Just let me know when you are going to so I can have his stuff ready. Have a good night. Him: oh, ok. miss you babes. I kind of figure I have to give him some sort of leeway on the NC when it comes to the dog.. it was his dog to begin with, but I love that lil guy so much that he's letting me keep him around as long as he gets visits haha I tried to remember what people on LS have said about LC (limit the conversation to the child - or in this case dog). I think you're right though, he is weak right now. HA. Not so tough anymore are we.
starryeyed12 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 Damn. You should have *really* stuck it to him and not responded or responded sometime about the dog the next morning. Let him sweat a little next time...it's good for him.
raincheck Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 concerning . above all, you don't want to prolong this situation into more mess, heartbreak and confusion.. hearing from him i'm sure arouses a million different emotional responses in you, whether it's satisfaction that he thinks of you (really? all it takes now is a text to make you feel empowered or satisfied?), or relief that he may still feel something for you (really? "maybe" he feels "something" ? since when is that good enough?) or just a comfort that this is NOT over, that he can't let go that easily.. but that's just your ego talking too, not your reason. i think if you are honest with yourself, you know it is over and it's not a healthy situation. so when/how/if he contacts you, just does not matter in the grand scheme of things. because this isn't what you want anyways... you want to crave the attention and affection of someone who is worthy of yours. when it's mutual, and when it's strong, and when it's clear and there are no mind-games and there is no immaturity, and it's just two people who want to love and support each other.. it's not going to feel this heartbreaking or confusing. it's going to make you feel respected, elevated, loved, like you are at your highest, your best self. no one who is worthy of your love or who really loves you, would be able to bear seeing you at such a low point. they would only want you to feel good about yourself, not enjoy seeing you weak. it's fine & dandy that he loves you as a friend. wonderful. but not good enough. maybe he's confused about the "more than friend" part, but it shouldn't matter to you. ultimately i think you are going to find yourself continuously disappointed by this person because i don't think he is able to give you what you want, even if it is just a surety that it's you he wants to be with. but um, being sure you're the one he wants to be with, is kind of a basic need for a relationship, and you don't deserve any less. even if this situation was minus the other girl, and minus the fact that he disrespected you with his confusion, misleading affection, etc etc, it just doesn't sound like he wants to be with you. in fact, i think he's just fishing around for a sign from you that you are weak, emotional, still want him, etc. and as soon as you give him that hint, he's gonna distance himself again. because that's just the way that ego works. i'm glad you responded the way you did though, all business-like but, i would suggest finding a way to get around seeing him or talking to him at all. i'm not sure you should be taking care of his dog right now.. isn't there someone else in your life who you may transfer the care of his dog to, or maybe just him? anything that still connects you two will leave you attached to this situation which i feel is toxic for you...
Author lululucy Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 starryeyed, next time I will promise I plan on not speaking to him again until I have to: March 4th. two of our good friends are getting married so I will have to see him there. The last wedding I went to was with him and he asked me if we could have ours soon.. so it's going to be hard. Raincheck, you're 100% right. I never thought this would be so horrible, especially after living with someone for so long. I don't think I could possibly get rid of the dog-- he's basically my dog now, and that would just destroy me. And he is the only companion my grandmother has during the day when I'm at work and school. I'll have to find a way to make it work without talking to/seeing the ex though, that would just be too hard.
Username37 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 At least you got "as a friend" I got "as a family member" :/
starryeyed12 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 March 4th, ay? That's my birthday! It'll be a tough day relationship wise for me too. I'll be wondering if I will hear from the ex. I know I will feel a bit sad if I don't. I guess we both have to be strong that day.
Author lululucy Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 Weird!! well, at least we can both watch out for each other that day (and the days leading up as well?). I hope I'm getting myself worried for nothing. And I hope you don't let your ex taint your birthday, either by acknowledging it or not! At least you got "as a friend" I got "as a family member" :/ Ouch, family member seems kind of harsh.. like hey, let's squash any chance you think I want to get with you. Yuck.
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