lululucy Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Well, there's the answer then. I went to see him yesterday. We had been on a break since mid-November, but somewhere along the way it turned into a break-up. He has been kind of seeing this girl, and she has a toothbrush at his apartment. I oh-so-maturely threw it out. We talked, I cried, he held me, we had sex, we cuddled.. he told me he loves me and he still sees us getting married one day. He still wants to move to England with me, he couldn't do that with anyone else. I screw him better than anyone else ever has, I give the best head, etc etc. I cried a lot, I couldn't help it. I should never have asked for a break to begin with. I was just being stupid and listening to my stupider friends. He asked me if I'd come over more often, if I'd call him for rides sometimes, if I'd have a sleepover next week. He called them small steps. I said yes, of course, I love you, because I am incredibly pathetic. This morning, I wake up and I see a response to a text I sent him the night before. Me: "I am glad we saw each other. I love you and I'm happy we're going to give this another try, whether it's this week or next month" Him: "I love you as a friend I don't want to see you hurt" my heart totally dropped and all the composure I'd gained overnight was immediately gone. Me: "Are you serious?" Him: "Yep" Me: -another mature and intelligent reply, basically insinuating he was breaking my heart. Which he was.- Him: "Im sorry" Then within a second of the last text, he phones me. Despite me having his name saved as 'Don't Call Him!' I pick up. We talk for twenty minutes or more, me crying a lot, him saying I could do better than him anyway. I just feel so broken. I didn't want a break because I didn't love him, I wanted it so he would grow up and get an apartment and act like an adult instead of a 25 year old baby. He told me he was still in love with me (contradicting that stupid text) but that I hurt him so much, and that he has moved on. How can you move on in four weeks?? UGH. I feel so stupid, I never should have seen him yesterday, and I sure as hell shouldn't have texted him last night. I feel so empty and worthless and like nobody else will ever love me again. How could they, I'm obviously such a bitch. I screwed this up for myself but I can't get out of it.
broken-and-lost Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 sorry your in so much pain but you are not a bad person, he probably hasn't moved on at all but is just telling you that...... best thing you can do it try and the word is try as it's very hard to concentrate on yourself. Keep posting your thoughts it can help as people on here will try and help with advice
Author lululucy Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 sorry your in so much pain but you are not a bad person, he probably hasn't moved on at all but is just telling you that...... best thing you can do it try and the word is try as it's very hard to concentrate on yourself. Keep posting your thoughts it can help as people on here will try and help with advice Thank you -- I hope this girl is just a rebound and nothing serious although I know she is totally iiiiin to him. Bah. And he just phoned me again. He obviously has cameras in my room and can tell when I'm crying. He told me he adores me and he'll always adore me and that I have to be strong and show him that I can be strong "for us". WHAT THE F?? For US? What? i hate mind games.
dng Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Thank you -- I hope this girl is just a rebound and nothing serious although I know she is totally iiiiin to him. Bah. And he just phoned me again. He obviously has cameras in my room and can tell when I'm crying. He told me he adores me and he'll always adore me and that I have to be strong and show him that I can be strong "for us". WHAT THE F?? For US? What? i hate mind games. I hate that guy. Sorry for that. Ok, so I just got out of about 6 months of this "man of my life", "be more patient bull****" and I went from loving and respecting her to wondering why I ever dated her and having mostly anger towards her. I got my ego driven into the ground as part of the process. The only thing I can tell you is this: protect your emotions against more hurt because he's obviously not doing it for you. This sole advice was what made me able to go NC for months at a time and I defy ANYONE here to not react to the kind of emails I was getting.
broken-and-lost Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Most of the time when they contact you it's for themselves and not for your benefit either out of guilt or just because they want to keep you around in background just in case they change their minds it's not fair and it hurts.... i'm going through something myself right now. So i hope you can stay STRONG for YOURSELF not him......
Author lululucy Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 I hate that guy. Sorry for that. Ok, so I just got out of about 6 months of this "man of my life", "be more patient bull****" and I went from loving and respecting her to wondering why I ever dated her and having mostly anger towards her. I got my ego driven into the ground as part of the process. The only thing I can tell you is this: protect your emotions against more hurt because he's obviously not doing it for you. This sole advice was what made me able to go NC for months at a time and I defy ANYONE here to not react to the kind of emails I was getting. Thank you, I hate him too ha How did you manage to protect your emotions? I find NC so freaking hard when he phones me daily and texts me just as much.. how do you just not pick up when all you want is to hear their voice?
dng Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Thank you, I hate him too ha How did you manage to protect your emotions? I find NC so freaking hard when he phones me daily and texts me just as much.. how do you just not pick up when all you want is to hear their voice? He'll do this as long as you allow him to or he gets tired of it, seriously. Which is harder, not answering, or living with yourself when he drops you on your head again two days after? Your self esteem is shattered right now (yes, he's shattering it by playing with you when you are at your most vulnerable) and that's why it's so hard. Bury yourself so deep in your head that he won't ever find you again.
starryeyed12 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 As long as you keep having sex with him and being his emotional crutch, you will never find happiness with him. You did the right thing by letting him go if you are not able to tolerate his lifestyle (You mentioned you want him to grow up. I can only fill in the blanks as to how, but the point is that you want change). This is a fair concern that you had. Life is hard on your own, let alone trying to share and grow harmoniously with another who's lifestyle is not compatible or moving in the same direction. When you have made "the vows" to someone, that is when I believe you should trudge yourself through the mud trying to make it work...but then, so should he or she at that point, but thus is life. I digress. If you want change, if you want real results, you have to let go. You will continue to go round and round in circles if you don't let go and move on. The change will never come. And why should it at this point? You still continue to give him what he needs from you- emotional support and intimacy- while he can go out there and see if there is someone else who will take him as is. This crutch doesn't allow him to go through any growing pains. It doesn't allow you to grow either. If you are one of those people who need to hold on to some kind of hope, like I was, then take comfort in this- Maybe one day (possibly years) from now, after the two of you have had time apart to grow and change as people, maybe then you will come back to each other and live out the life you always dreamed of with him. There is always that chance. In the meantime, you have to stop giving in to the intoxicating drug that is "love." This love is not enough. Depending on your definition of real love, this may not even be it at all. Is this really love to you? I think you can define love as something much better than this. Take it from someone who knows.
Author lululucy Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 Thank you guys, I really need to hear this stuff. I think I do need to hold on hope, at least until I move on, because it's hard to let go of all those plans and dreams. Especially with him phoning me (he just did AGAIN) to say he can't wait till we go on another trip together. P.S. I'll move to England with you! :) Yes please!!
carhill Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 He's inserted you into orbit. Great job BTW. Consistent contact with push-pull dynamics to keep you off-balance, tailored to the proper buttons to push for maximum effect. Expect that you will have sex with him again, and likely again, for awhile. Interesting how he's so hurt by your past actions that his dick can't stay away, isn't it? If you want to do NC properly, merely call him up, doing your crying thing, tell him that you won't be contacting him anymore and then end the conversation. Prior to that conversation, change all your contact information, including your primary phone number, and call him from a different phone. Then, once complete, go black hole. He'll have to bang on your door to contact you and unwelcome contact will have a black and white with nicely dressed men with guns show up. It's all very proper
Jdw_Icequeen Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I think he sounds confused because you broke his heart. He is probably scared it will happen again. It sounds to me like he is still in love with you. You obviously broke up with him for a reason, you didn't mention if he had changed? At this point wether he has or he hasn't changed. He definetly dosen't know what he wants. NC is basically so you can move on and heal. Somtimes it also leaves room for them to realize what they have lost. You have made it clear you want a second chance, if he isn't interested in that. NO MORE SEX! OR HEAD! Or sleep overs or cuddling. Ignore Ignore Ignore! Knowing you want him back now puts him in control. He knows that if he wants you back he can have you back. Your going to have to take it back and pick up the peices of your life. After you have given things some time you never know what could happen. You may truly not want to be with him anymore. He is saying he is still in love with you sleeping with you etc. Playing "fake" boyfriend just without a title. Why? To keep his options open.. You don't deserve that and definetly are leaving the door open to be hurt by it. Cut him off!!
ALonerAgain Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I think he sounds confused because you broke his heart. He is probably scared it will happen again. It sounds to me like he is still in love with you. You obviously broke up with him for a reason, you didn't mention if he had changed? At this point wether he has or he hasn't changed. He definetly dosen't know what he wants. NC is basically so you can move on and heal. Somtimes it also leaves room for them to realize what they have lost. You have made it clear you want a second chance, if he isn't interested in that. NO MORE SEX! OR HEAD! Or sleep overs or cuddling. Ignore Ignore Ignore! Knowing you want him back now puts him in control. He knows that if he wants you back he can have you back. Your going to have to take it back and pick up the peices of your life. After you have given things some time you never know what could happen. You may truly not want to be with him anymore. He is saying he is still in love with you sleeping with you etc. Playing "fake" boyfriend just without a title. Why? To keep his options open.. You don't deserve that and definetly are leaving the door open to be hurt by it. Cut him off!! I took a 'break' with an ex because I felt I was the one who had to figure out myself and what I wanted. It turned into a break-up when I found out that he was looking elswhere - instead of 'growing up' himself. It never works because they operate on their own agenda, not on yours. That's when I discovered who he really was. All the crying he did didn't mean s**t because a few short weeks later he'd picked up a girl, cried on HER shoulders and then asked her to marry him (her being a foreign student and overwhelmed with his devotion, said yes). Of course, I ddin't know all this at the time. I had stupidly said I would be friends with him and that's when it turned into all out mind-control: he would phone and tell me about this girl he met and what they would be doing together and I felt like I had to sit there and take it because it was ME who left; ME who agreed to be friends; ME who thought I owed it to him. Until I could take it no more and refused to answer his calls. He even had the audacity to send money and a birthday card and then invite me out on my birthday while he was still seeing this girl (interesting to know if he actually told her he wanted to take out his ex-girlfriend for her birthday). One ward: narcisissm. You try to explain this to them and they have no idea what you're talking about. They'll get really angry as well, because they'll think that they're God's gift, treated you right and then wonder why you kicked them to the curb. And then wonder why you want NC. If your ex is like this, it might be because underneath it all, he's really damaged. He wants the best of both worlds: he wants to move on, pretend the break-up was 'no big deal' and be MR. Nice Guy, being friends with the ex, still whispering sweet-nothings to you and messing with your head. NC is and always will be the answer. If he's really happy with someone else, let him go make the same mistakes with her and be glad you trusted your instincts by leaving in the 1st place.
dng Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 That's when I discovered who he really was. ... Another BPD fool leaves you on your head and blames it on you. I wonder how many guys and girls on LS are dealing with this, and I would dare to say: alot.
Author lululucy Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 ALonerAgain, I feel like I'm reading something I've written. Minus the offer of marriage, but essentially.. I think his mom leaving his dad when he was a teenager really screwed him up, since she abandoned the whole family and moved back to England, and he's got abandonment issues.. and I went and did the same thing. I'm now five hours NC and it's so freaking hard. I told him I couldn't keep torturing myself like this and not to contact me unless he wanted to seriously talk about working things out and if he cared about me he wouldn't. He just texted back "ok" and that is that. I think this is the hardest thing I've ever done.
Author lululucy Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 ... Another BPD fool leaves you on your head and blames it on you. I wonder how many guys and girls on LS are dealing with this, and I would dare to say: alot. Forgive my ignorance, what is BPD?
0hpenelope Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Forgive my ignorance, what is BPD? Borderline personality disorder. And it's not ignorance, BPD can stand for lots of things.
ALonerAgain Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) ALonerAgain, I feel like I'm reading something I've written. Minus the offer of marriage, but essentially.. I think his mom leaving his dad when he was a teenager really screwed him up, since she abandoned the whole family and moved back to England, and he's got abandonment issues.. and I went and did the same thing. lululucy, yes, my ex had severe abandonment issues too: his mum was in an abusive relationship with his dad, who eventually went to prison. His mum wasn't really a good role model for subsequent relationships either (eventually she did settle with his current step-dad). My ex was/is very needy: he even said to me at 1 point that he 'wasn't like all the others' and was proud of the fact that he had 'never left a girl'. When I left, I honestly thought he would change. But instead he started trawling through dating sites looking for his next 'fix'. I both pitied and was disgusted by this, but I do understand now the extent of his emotional issues, if only because years later I'm dealing with my own abandonment issues. With my ex, it was a complete mind-f**k. He was distraught when I left; he kept phoning me. begging to get back with him; saying how there'll never be anyone else. I, like you, was torn between running back to him and running well away. For my own sanity, I chose the latter, mainly because I had found out through his emails (yes, more snooping) that he was seeing someone else, and how happy he was - while he was still pledging his devoted love to me to my face. It wasn't love: it was a drug. I was confused, hurt and betrayed. He was my 1st serious relationship. Took me years to come to terms with his behaviour. So, my point is - like everyone else here says - walk away. The more you put yourself through this, the deeper the cut will go and the longer it will take to heal. You are not responsible for his issues: you can't 'rescue' him. I remember at 1 point during my ex's begging phonecalls, I actually said to him he needed to get professional help. Did he listen? No. In fact, he reacted as if therapy was a dirty word. Oh well, that's his problem. (Funnily enough, said ex contacted me through FB a couple of years ago. He's still married - but still hasn't changed either...) Edited January 29, 2011 by ALonerAgain
Author lululucy Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Thanks Penny With my ex, it was a complete mind-f**k. He was distraught when I left; he kept phoning me. begging to get back with him; saying how there'll never be anyone else. I, like you, was torn between running back to him and running well away. For my own sanity, I chose the latter, mainly because I had found out through his emails (yes, more snooping) that he was seeing someone else, and how happy he was - while he was still pledging his devoted love to me to my face. It wasn't love: it was a drug. I was confused, hurt and betrayed. Agh! I don't get these guys. I know he is seeing this girl, and yet he still tells me to my face that he loves me and he wants us to get an apartment soon and blah blah freaking blah. I couldn't have described my feelings better -- confused, hurt, betrayed. This sucks.
raincheck Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 hi. i know it's hard to think clearly right now, but i would suggest going back to your reasons for a break in the first place. you clearly thought he had some maturing to do-- and four weeks is not enough time to do it. there was something in you that was strongly dissatisfied with the relationship; you can't forget that. even if now, in the ideal situation, you both are devoted to trying this again (which, doesn't sound like he is) and doing your best at making it work... you will still run into the same roadblock you hit before. honestly, it sounds like your emotions are keeping you in place in a relationship that isn't meant to be. from his side: it hurts when someone wants to take a break with you. it makes you want to react in angry ways. because ultimately, that person is seriously doubting the fact that you two will be together long-term, and that's hurtful. it's always hard to come back from a break, but i think it can work if both people have done their thinking, processing, maturing, recognizing the flaws and faults of what happened wrong before, and are approaching the idea of a relationship again as mature adults who are committed to making it work. you may want to consider the fact that he probly is deriving some weird satisfaction out of you "crawling back" to him. and it is probly just as satisfying to him to tell you, "hey, i love you as a friend", and hurt you the same way you hurt him. it might be twisted, but it's human nature, and he doesn't sound mature enough to be above that kinda thing... but you know what? it doesn't matter if he isn't sure of you or of the relationship or even of the way he feels. you weren't sure of him FIRST. you were the one who wanted the break. you weren't stupid for wanting it. you were probly being smart, insightful, and thinking about what was best for you and what you really want out of a relationship and a partner. don't forget those reasons just because you may love him. love isn't enough to make a relationship healthy, satisfying and fulfilling. i would say, toughen up and get it together. stop putting yourself in his head and what he's thinking/feeling/etc. think about you. does this situation really feel healthy, loving, respectful, good, to you? half of what keeps us in bad relationships is just the fear we won't meet someone better. but, guess what. you will! sorry for the novel. but had to put it out there
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 First off, STOP putting yourself down and beating yourself up!! It doesn't do any good and makes you feel worse than you already do! It's HIM not you. Remember that. He has his own crap to deal with and needs to grow up.
Author lululucy Posted January 30, 2011 Author Posted January 30, 2011 Raincheque, I want to print that out and put it beside my bed. It is SO TRUE. I wanted a break but I think the hurt really came when he wanted a break-up.. perhaps just to get back at me, perhaps not. But I knew it was wrong first. I knew love couldn't fix everything and this thing would break eventually if we didn't do anything about it.. but god it hurts. I feel as though I am also overreacting a little to the girl he is seeing. I know she is completely head over heels about him. I won't say he doesn't care about her (his words: "I like her but I am in love with you") but she is 'letting him' sleep with whoever he wants. This smells to me of desperation on her part, trying to keep him with her no matter what-- would any of you agree? It is some small consolation to me, and perhaps a seed of hope for us, but I'm trying to be a realist. whichwayisup -- he really does need to grow up. I just need to get past the pedastle I've somehow put him on AFTER I asked for a break.
starryeyed12 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 One way to look at it is that you could feel sort of bad for the girl. She's got herself caught in a nasty web. Even if it was somewhat by choice, it's still not a good place to be in. There's no easy way out of this mess now. From the sounds of it, I don't think there's any way that either one of you would be ready for a real relationship just yet. There's too many emotional ties (not to mention physical) that remain in tact. He's being totally selfish right now and has the ball in his court. You wanted a break and he trumped you with a break-up. Now, he gets to have you clinging to his every word AND have some other chick throw her standards out the window to be with him. However bruised his ego was from you calling for a break, it's certainly feeling better now. I agree with some other posters. You should get out of his head for awhile, and remember the reasons you wanted a break. Its the only way you regain some control over the situation, and don't find yourself falling back into old traps and routines.
stellastreet Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 hi. i know it's hard to think clearly right now, but i would suggest going back to your reasons for a break in the first place. you clearly thought he had some maturing to do-- and four weeks is not enough time to do it. there was something in you that was strongly dissatisfied with the relationship; you can't forget that. even if now, in the ideal situation, you both are devoted to trying this again (which, doesn't sound like he is) and doing your best at making it work... you will still run into the same roadblock you hit before. honestly, it sounds like your emotions are keeping you in place in a relationship that isn't meant to be. from his side: it hurts when someone wants to take a break with you. it makes you want to react in angry ways. because ultimately, that person is seriously doubting the fact that you two will be together long-term, and that's hurtful. it's always hard to come back from a break, but i think it can work if both people have done their thinking, processing, maturing, recognizing the flaws and faults of what happened wrong before, and are approaching the idea of a relationship again as mature adults who are committed to making it work. you may want to consider the fact that he probly is deriving some weird satisfaction out of you "crawling back" to him. and it is probly just as satisfying to him to tell you, "hey, i love you as a friend", and hurt you the same way you hurt him. it might be twisted, but it's human nature, and he doesn't sound mature enough to be above that kinda thing... but you know what? it doesn't matter if he isn't sure of you or of the relationship or even of the way he feels. you weren't sure of him FIRST. you were the one who wanted the break. you weren't stupid for wanting it. you were probly being smart, insightful, and thinking about what was best for you and what you really want out of a relationship and a partner. don't forget those reasons just because you may love him. love isn't enough to make a relationship healthy, satisfying and fulfilling. i would say, toughen up and get it together. stop putting yourself in his head and what he's thinking/feeling/etc. think about you. does this situation really feel healthy, loving, respectful, good, to you? half of what keeps us in bad relationships is just the fear we won't meet someone better. but, guess what. you will! sorry for the novel. but had to put it out there I think this is fantastic advice to anyone going thru a messy break up.
ALonerAgain Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 (edited) whichwayisup -- he really does need to grow up. I just need to get past the pedastle I've somehow put him on AFTER I asked for a break. It's funny that, isn't it? That somehow, we magically forget why we wanted to take a 'break' in the 1st place and suddenly they become the 'perfect partner' when they find someone else. I was the same way. You don't need to make a list to remind you why he isn't: just look and feel what his behaviour is doing to you now. I often think that we most learn about ourselves and our partners by the way we/they handle a break-up. By going back to him or responding to his contact, you're also teaching him as well about how to treat you and that's with disrespect. Commit to your decision in the first place. Go NC. That's the only way you can regain dignity and control. Edited January 30, 2011 by ALonerAgain
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