Lizzie60 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Hi everyone.. long time no see.. My young MM's wife called me 2 days ago.. we spent about 2.5 hours on the phone.. We talked about everything.. their intimate life.. their family life.. etc.. she asked me a LOT of questions.. The A is now over since last summer.. he called me, after he got busted, once more.. (she was besides him when he called)... She said she's been obsessed with calling me.. for a few months.. she wasn't sure it was over.. Anyway.. long story short.. she was very nice, we had a civilized conversation... she's desperate.. not sure what she should do. She asked me for advice.. I don't have much time to post on LS anymore.. (not yet replaced my computer at home, will do soon).. too busy with everything else in my life... (work, house renos.. etc.) Anyway.. I swore to her that it was over and that I would NEVER see him again.. and this time I mean it.. I doubt he will ever be faithful.. but I just couldn't be so blunt to say that.. she is soooo unhappy... with 2 babies at home.. she admitted she was dependant emotionally and she couldn't leave him.. I was out last night .. and when I got home.. I saw her number again on my call display.... hummm.... I wonder what's up now.. I want to listen to her.. she told me she has no one to talk to.. since she doesn't want her mother and/or her friends to know... but I'm not sure I want her to call every 2-3 days.. I feel that I'm the former OW now counselling the BS...
woinlove Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Poor woman. The truth is an important commodity and likely she is not getting much of it from her husband, so it is kind of you to give her the truth. I understand not wanting to take repeated calls, but you should try to gently warn her of this, rather than just ignore her calls and leave her wondering what is going on. I have no advice to pass on, except that for the wife, I think it is always good to speak to a lawyer about possible separation and divorce just to learn what the options are.
TigerCub Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 wow lizzie! That's gotta be interesting. I think its nice that you're both being civil and honest and talking about things. The only thing I will comment on here is that You think he wont be faithful to her (is he a serial cheater?), how do you know this? But if you are pretty sure, why not tell her? I mean, yes, she's in a really vulnerable place, but if she's with him and she's unhappy and its likely that he will put her through all this again (not with you), maybe she really needs to deal with the whole picture all at once instead of dealing with pain in chunks over time. As far as not wanting her to call all the time. I say that's totally fair, and you can just ask her politely to keep you out of this because you've made the move to get away, you simply don't want to keep hearing his name mentioned or to know about anything that's going on with him. You want him out of your life, she wants you out of his life, and so its only fair to stop calling and telling you about his life.
Snowflower Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Lizzie, it's good to see you again! I had wondered where you had gone to. As a fBS, I don't think it would be healthy for her to try to talk to you about her marriage/use you as a therapist. And, it's not fair to you either. It's up to you...whether you want to return her most recent call or wait for her to call again...and tell her that you will answer all her questions about you and her husband ONCE (if you have already done this in that initial 2.5 hour call-then your "duty" is done). Then, as politely and gently as you can, tell her that she should not call you again for any advice...that it is not healthy and that it is not your place. Tell her if she has no one to confide in IRL, then she should go to a therapist. Again, good to see you Lizzie. I've always admired your empathy and your matter-of-fact approach about EMA's. It makes you a different and valuable poster here. All the best!
Author Lizzie60 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 You're both right.. No one left a message.. I'm not even sure it's her.. could be him.. it's their home number.. He called me before from that phone. He could be stuck with a lie or something.. The things she told me.. he's not only a serial cheater.. he's such a liar. I will not call back.. since no message was left. I really feel sorry for her. I told her that she had to choose.. leave him.. or give him the benefit of the doubt that he's been faithful since last summer.. he said he is now.. I don't think he will remain faithful for very long.. and I think she knows that.. but hey..
Author Lizzie60 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 Lizzie, it's good to see you again! I had wondered where you had gone to. As a fBS, I don't think it would be healthy for her to try to talk to you about her marriage/use you as a therapist. And, it's not fair to you either. It's up to you...whether you want to return her most recent call or wait for her to call again...and tell her that you will answer all her questions about you and her husband ONCE (if you have already done this in that initial 2.5 hour call-then your "duty" is done). Then, as politely and gently as you can, tell her that she should not call you again for any advice...that it is not healthy and that it is not your place. Tell her if she has no one to confide in IRL, then she should go to a therapist. Again, good to see you Lizzie. I've always admired your empathy and your matter-of-fact approach about EMA's. It makes you a different and valuable poster here. All the best! Thanks so much.. I had a few minutes this morning. .I might be away for a while again.. but it's nice to see you all again. I already told her that she should seek therapy for herself or both go to seek help.
OpenBook Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Hi Lizzie, welcome back! :bunny: I would advise NOT to give her any advice whatsoever (even though she asked you for it), because that would just encourage her to call you more. I agree with TigerCub - just tell her you're moving on with your life and putting it behind you... and wish her the best.
Fieldsofgold Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I talked to my x's W and OW several times each. The first few times were helpful to them, and somewhat to me. After that, they were pretty much just venting anger. In your case, I might re-assure her one more time; maybe she thought of something she hadn't asked before. But I think it would be nice to tell her you don't want to continue to talk about it. That way, she knows you're not ignoring her calls because you're again involved with him.
bentnotbroken Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 You're both right.. No one left a message.. I'm not even sure it's her.. could be him.. it's their home number.. He called me before from that phone. He could be stuck with a lie or something.. The things she told me.. he's not only a serial cheater.. he's such a liar. I will not call back.. since no message was left. I really feel sorry for her. I told her that she had to choose.. leave him.. or give him the benefit of the doubt that he's been faithful since last summer.. he said he is now.. I don't think he will remain faithful for very long.. and I think she knows that.. but hey.. Hey Lizzie! :)It seems she knows what kind of guy she is married to and she is looking for someone to help her make the decision. I agree with the other posters about it not being healthy, but it was good of you to talk to her and let her ask questions.
greengoddess Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Lizzie how did YOU feel speaking with her? Did it affect you emotionally knowing you played such a huge part in this woman's pain? Another family broken. Poor kids. Well the wife will be better off. Isn't this the guy that you said loves his wife too? Maybe you should have told him to get help instead of ****ing him.
moloko Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I really feel sorry for her. I highly doubt that
Owl Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Hey Lizzie- I think you did the right thing. She called, you were honest, up front, and gave her the information she needed to know. I agree with the others too...I don't think that there's any reason or expectation that you should become her counselor, or her friend, or any of the above. You gave her the info she needed, and you're no longer in the picture. If she continues to try to contact you, politely let her know you've done all you can, but you'd like to try to move on from the situation as well. That's my thoughts on the subject at least. FWIW, you and I haven't always agreed on things in the past...but I wanted to reiterate what I started with here...I really think you did the right thing by being honest and telling her the truth...that says a lot of good about you.
jenifer1972 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Ever since I was about 15 and saw one of my cousins saddled with 3 snotnosed brats and pregnant with twins and totally dependant on her grouchy cold husband, I decided I would never let myself get in a situation where I was totally dependent on a man. Yet another example that it was a wise choice.
PeachyPink Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Poor woman. How desperate she must have felt to pick up the phone and call the other woman. I give you credit for being relatively compassionate.
Heather1 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Tell her to join a gym (w/ childcare) & hire a personal trainer
2sure Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 As you know my exH has a bunch of OW and I did contact each of them - with no animosity whasoever. Most were fine with it and quite surprised he was married. One in particular was very needy and I think just needed a friend. Eventually I had to tell her to stop contacting me. I mean, I get that she needed to talk but after telling her the facts, although I was sympathetic...I didnt want to particapate in her life. So, you know - be careful there.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Hey Lizzie, how have you been? Wow, it's surprising to hear the BS called you, but I'm glad to hear that she didn't take out any anger on you.
NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Hi Lizzie! I'm surprised you spoke to her at all. But I agree its not a good thing to become her counselor. I don't recommend OW and W speaking more than once or twice. After that, its up to the married couple to fix their stuff. If the W can't talk to him, she has her answer. Its just a hard reality to face. I wonder if it was him that called the last time, possibly upset that you spoke to her and told her enough of the truth that he's now feeling some much needed consequences....
moloko Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Wow, it's surprising to hear the BS called you, but I'm glad to hear that she didn't take out any anger on you. maybe thats why she gets away with what she does. maybe just once, or twice, she needs a real psycho of a wife to make her fear for her life. then maybe the experiments, and purposely seeking out married men, will stop?
whichwayisup Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Bonjour Lizzie! Nice to see you drop in LS. Glad that you talked to her, I do hope she somehow finds the strength to end her marriage, your exMM, her husband, doesn't sound like a good long term partner, let alone a good husband to her. If she calls again, encourage her to speak to her family, to get counselling. It's nice of you to answer her questions, listen to her, but be careful on how much you get involved.
desertIslandCactus Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Hi everyone.. long time no see.. My young MM's wife called me 2 days ago.. we spent about 2.5 hours on the phone.. We talked about everything.. their intimate life.. their family life.. etc.. she asked me a LOT of questions.. The A is now over since last summer.. he called me, after he got busted, once more.. (she was besides him when he called)... She said she's been obsessed with calling me.. for a few months.. she wasn't sure it was over.. Anyway.. long story short.. she was very nice, we had a civilized conversation... she's desperate.. not sure what she should do. She asked me for advice.. I don't have much time to post on LS anymore.. (not yet replaced my computer at home, will do soon).. too busy with everything else in my life... (work, house renos.. etc.) Anyway.. I swore to her that it was over and that I would NEVER see him again.. and this time I mean it.. I doubt he will ever be faithful.. but I just couldn't be so blunt to say that.. she is soooo unhappy... with 2 babies at home.. she admitted she was dependant emotionally and she couldn't leave him.. I was out last night .. and when I got home.. I saw her number again on my call display.... hummm.... I wonder what's up now.. I want to listen to her.. she told me she has no one to talk to.. since she doesn't want her mother and/or her friends to know... but I'm not sure I want her to call every 2-3 days.. I feel that I'm the former OW now counselling the BS... [/QUOTE] That last sentence .. You're funny .. Possibly she has more questions for you .. But the uneasiness is within her and her M. and that's where the healing must begin. She must sense her H is still not with her in the spirit. All you can do is to talk to her, as a woman.
Billy_Boy Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Such an awkward position to be in... I was an unwitting OM one time, with someone I was having a casual sexual relationship with. I had no idea she was engaged to be married until her fiancee who was apparently in the navy or something called me up at 4:30AM one morning... the shock and disgust I felt, not only for my own actions and the dupe I was taken for, but for the whoreish lies she told both of us. It was a true eye opener into the world of what some women are like, since then I have had much difficulty fully trusting any women... as life and experience has taught me time and time again that everybody lies. The extent of the lies are the only variation. I lie too... but I have never been so shallow or morally bankrupt that I could even stoop to cheating or anything that severe. And if I did, I dont know if I could handle the pressure I would put on myself for being such a scumbag and letting myself down in such a way. In your case, I would suggest hooking this poor woman up with the idea of going to therapy or IC, since what she is doing to you doesnt sound especially healthy. FOr either of you.
Recommended Posts