Hung out with her 1 month after break up. Too late for NC?

January 28, 2011

Hey all, I know you probably read many break-up stories, but just figured I'd throw in mine to receive some feedback from you guys. Exactly one month ago from today, my ex of three years broke up with me. Her reason being that she wanted to focus on her own life and that she's been in a relationship ever since high school. This devastated me because it was so abrupt and sudden. Towards the end of our last couple of weeks together, we argued about silly things. We both would say things like "It doesn't feel the same anymore", but I never thought that we'd ever break up. After we broke up, she spent about 4 days of not contacting me much, only to write me a facebook message saying that she still cares about me and to give her more time. Eventually she called, and we hung out a week later. When we hung out, everything was perfect. She held my hand for a couple moments, she would lay her head on my shoulder when we sat on a bench, or watched a movie. And by night time, I showed her the mixed CD I made for her. She started crying and said she loved me and started kissing me. She even slept over those nights. We got intimate of course. Then for a couple days after that, she would hesitate to call or text me. This saddened me because I thought I was on track of getting her back, and I was wrong.

I made stupid mistakes of begging her to take me back, showing up at her work or house to see her, leaving her voice messages and texts. Whenever she wouldn't respond for a couple days, I would call her or see her to tell her that I didn't want to continue what we were doing and that I was saying goodbye. She would always say "Is that what you really want? That would make me sad, but if that's what you want, then do it". She would then always convince me (easily I might add) to stay in contact with her and to keep my Facebook after my many attempts of deleting it. Another thing I might add is that she is actually having trouble sleeping. One night, she called my house at 12:30 in the morning because she couldn't go to sleep and she wanted to hear my voice. She was telling so many of her friends that she had trouble sleeping and was slowly becoming an insomniac. I wondered if this was because she missed me. When we were together, she slept over a lot. A couple weeks ago I had breakfast with her at her house, and we looked at all of the pictures we took together. She had them all on her laptop, and I thought she'd delete them right away. Looking around her room, I saw that she still kept some Valentines Day cards and gifts I've given her through the years. She kept my pictures in her drawer, and even a funny cartoon caricature painting of us.

So this continued for a couple more weeks. She would hang out with me, sleep over, then take a couple of days to herself, then talk to me again and tell me she's falling in love all over again and said things needed to change. She claims that she wanted to think with her head and not her heart. She claimed that I was her best friend. She would also say things like she hopes to be with me in the future, and move in and share an apartment one day. I didn't know if she was just saying that, but she always assured me she wasn't just saying it, and that she meant it.

Once I changed my Facebook status to single, many girls started talking to me. I think it might have bothered her because she always brought them up. When I would ask her to hang out, she would say something like "Don't you have dates to go on? You have all these girls talking to you!" She would always talk about girls flocking around me. Even when we talk about things completely unrelated to other women, she would say "Dang! You have all those girls wanting to talk to you! You still got it!" She would then tell me not to care about her, and to go for any girl my heart desires. She said that I shouldn't wait for her, and that if I want someone else, she said to go for it. She then said she wanted only my friendship, and nothing beyond that. So then I agreed to just be her friend. We made plans two nights ago to have coffee as friends. Then the following morning (yesterday morning), she said she wanted to study with me instead. I agreed. So I texted her at night asking her when she wanted to study, and she responded with "Hey I can't make it tonight. I'm sorry".

So that final text from her was the last straw. I packed all of her things away in a box, I made an account here, I deleted her number and text messages off of my phone, and now I come to this question: Is it too late or too weird of a time to start NC? I know that people usually start NC right after a break up. But she and I had so many great moments after the break up, and at moments, it felt like we weren't really broken up to begin with. I felt the love when we would hang out, and I know that she did too. She always told me that there was no other guy she was seeing and that she wasn't going out, which I do believe. I believe she's deliberately trying to not fall in love with me again. She's never lasted more than four days without contacting me or seeing me. Do you guys think NC would make her miss me? She said she never wanted to lose contact with me and said that she would be deeply saddened and that life would be hard without me. People say that if you love her, let her go. So that's what I'm going to do. I just wished I started NC sooner. I don't know if NC is going to push her further away and mess up our friendship, and if I'm going to end up regretting it in the future. Or if NC is going to make her realize that we had something special. I'm just so confused.

January 28, 2011

ImperfectCircle,

Please don't take this personally - but it sounds like you have fallen for the queen of stringing along...

...Is it too late or too weird of a time to start NC?...

It's not too late. It doesn't matter when you start. It's not weird to want to get over her, and NC is going to help you do that.

...Do you guys think NC would make her miss me? She said she never wanted to lose contact with me and said that she would be deeply saddened and that life would be hard without me...

I think NC will make her miss you, but that's not the point. NC is supposed to help you. She is stringing you along. I'm not sure if she's doing that in a selfish way, or because she doesn't know what she wants, or what. But, you don't need to be the victim. Too bad if she's sad. She was the one who broke up with you!

...People say that if you love her, let her go. So that's what I'm going to do...

This is the right attitude.

...I just wished I started NC sooner. I don't know if NC is going to push her further away and mess up our friendship, and if I'm going to end up regretting it in the future. Or if NC is going to make her realize that we had something special. I'm just so confused.

If your friendship continues like it is, it's going to hurt you. Don't worry about whether NC will push her further away. You have to focus on yourself, and you will probably look at the whole thing differently after a few weeks of NC.

You haven't even had a chance to recover, with this constant hooking up and being pushed away cycle. Go NC ASAP and you will begin to heal.

Good luck.

January 28, 2011

It's not too late. It doesn't matter when you start. It's not weird to want to get over her, and NC is going to help you do that.

I think NC will make her miss you, but that's not the point. NC is supposed to help you. She is stringing you along. I'm not sure if she's doing that in a selfish way, or because she doesn't know what she wants, or what. But, you don't need to be the victim. Too bad if she's sad. She was the one who broke up with you!

This is the right attitude.

If your friendship continues like it is, it's going to hurt you. Don't worry about whether NC will push her further away. You have to focus on yourself, and you will probably look at the whole thing differently after a few weeks of NC.

You haven't even had a chance to recover, with this constant hooking up and being pushed away cycle. Go NC ASAP and you will begin to heal.

Commenting to lend support to D78 and to emphasize specifically what I thought to myself as I read your situation.

You will think about her through NC. That's normal and that comes with the territory. NC is about healing yourself. She's used to having you around as well, but well... she broke up with you. She can say anything that she wants and it will still be obvious that she left you. That's what she did. We can't do anything about our exes feeling differently about us and you know, losing feelings for people happens. It's how they handle the break-up and how they treat us afterwards that we should take a good look at. Not what they say. It's easier to talk than to act.

January 28, 2011

D78 and 0hPenelope, thank you for your feedback. You both don't know how much I appreciate your posts. You guys made things a little easier for me. I'm going full NC for a month or two. But I'll update you guys in a week or so. Thanks again!

January 28, 2011

D78 and 0hPenelope, thank you for your feedback. You both don't know how much I appreciate your posts. You guys made things a little easier for me. I'm going full NC for a month or two. But I'll update you guys in a week or so. Thanks again!

Don't play her games, man. Just step away from her. You're not obligated to her anymore because she was the one who cut you loose. You have no need to be bitter or resentful to her. Anger? Yes that's normal, but get over that too; don't hold on to it. Let go of negative feelings because it just means she still has influence over you.

Don't think about her. If she lost her romantic feelings, fine. That happens and it is quite too bad, but again... how she broke up with you and how she treated you afterwards are the two things that you need to keep in mind.

And I just noticed how you said you have all of these girls talking to you. Good! She let you go, she got what she wanted. She wants space? Fine, give her aaaalllllll the space she needs. She'll miss you? So what? She wants this break, let her have it. You're not going to sit around and mope after her. Life is too dang short.

I don't know if NC is going to push her further away and mess up our friendship, and if I'm going to end up regretting it in the future.

Think of your female friends and ask yourself "Would she do to me what [your ex's name] does to me?" Because what she's doing isn't something that friends would do to someone they consider a friend. I don't really quite see how you guys are friends right now anyway if she's playing you around so badly.

If you want to be friends with your ex, that's fine too. Just not right now. Take your time to heal, let her roam in her green pastures and you know you'll do the same. Remember: she wanted to leave you. Keep that in mind as you progress through NC.

Edited January 28, 2011 by 0hpenelope

January 29, 2011

ok im going to sound very harsh here but you know, its for your own good

where is your self respect? your pride? she dumped you and you're still sniffing around her like a total desperado!

shes is using you and you are too spineless to act on it! do you enjoy feeling rejected? is it healthy for you to be treated this way? before you try and justify it NO is the answer!

she is keeping you strung along as a back up plan! to ease her guilt of dumping you! soon enough, she will be over you totally, however, the only reason you're still talking to her is so you can wriggle you way back into her life, if she hangs out with you enough she eventually miss it and want you back? NO is doesn't work like that!

She will move on, find a new bf, then you will still be there, although it will hurt you, you will remain friends incase you can swipe in for the rebound! at this point due to you being her "best friend" you will have to listen to all her BS stories about her new BF and you'll be stuck...

No1: Anything she says good of bad you will agree with, why? you're her best friend man!

No2: anything you say about him will pass of as jealous BF talk!

save yourself from this girl! she clearly has issues!

now stop being a little bitch, and grow a pair! she is not the girl you thought she was!

now, like ive said, i sound harsh but im not going to sugar coat it for you,

i know this because i have been there! she is not you problem anymore, change your number, deleted her FB and lay it to rest!

next time she says

"Dang! You have all those girls wanting to talk to you! You still got it!"

or some other bullcrap like

"Don't you have dates to go on? You have all these girls talking to you!"

simple say

Yes, Yes I do ;)

Edited January 29, 2011 by ResetReality

January 29, 2011

One thing that gets kind of lost with all of us going through such a hard time is the fact that NC is made to fix your own head. It doesnt matter when you do it, how long you do it, or how you do it. You are cutting contact because you have made the decision to not play the games anymore.

I see a lot of people on here that will post they have been NC forever and dont feel any better. You have to start it with the right mindset and know you are doing it to help yourself. I was lucky because while i did make mistakes, i also said everything i could say, even maturely told her i realized what i did wrong in the relationship and was not proud of it.

What i have noticed is NC makes you eventually at the point where you dont care. The person could call and say hey how are you, and if NC has worked for you, you could respond like an adult and go about your day.

All im saying is there is no NC protocol or anything like that but i also wouldnt rush it. Its easy for us to post "just go NC right now" but you have to mentally know you have done all you can and want to move on - but it does sound like you are at that point.

NC can make people come back, but waiting in NC for that to happen is not what NC is for, and will make it worse.

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Hung out with her 1 month after break up. Too late for NC?

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