ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 ...do you ever just disengage & stop pursuing the person you're supposedly "into"? I noticed lately that I tend to. I'm not doing it as a NC type thing; I just noticed I'll reach a mental point where I decide it's a good time to sort of back off and I'll do my own thing... my cycle looks something like: at least twice a quarter, I'll meet girls I could be compatible with (i.e. I want to get in either her head or her pants, and it's feasible); we'll play around with each other with flirty gestures, texts & the like; we'll go on 3 - 7 dates; get really intimate; have "the, where is all this headed, talk" then I'll back off & let it fizzle out. again, i'm not concerned, since my romantic life isn't my main focus right now; but I have to admit, I'm curious if my pattern is normal.
Allisha Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 ...do you ever just disengage & stop pursuing the person you're supposedly "into"? I noticed lately that I tend to. I'm not doing it as a NC type thing; I just noticed I'll reach a mental point where I decide it's a good time to sort of back off and I'll do my own thing... my cycle looks something like: at least twice a quarter, I'll meet girls I could be compatible with (i.e. I want to get in either her head or her pants, and it's feasible); we'll play around with each other with flirty gestures, texts & the like; we'll go on 3 - 7 dates; get really intimate; have "the, where is all this headed, talk" then I'll back off & let it fizzle out. again, i'm not concerned, since my romantic life isn't my main focus right now; but I have to admit, I'm curious if my pattern is normal. Have you always done this? Or is it just when you're in the "my main focus isn't my romantic life" frame of mind? Maybe you're just not ready for a relationship. It can take years and years to get to that point for some people. You sound pretty conflicted there, guy. and LOL.
oaks Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Who initiates the "where is this going" talks and how positive are the outcomes of those?
zengirl Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 ...do you ever just disengage & stop pursuing the person you're supposedly "into"? I noticed lately that I tend to. I'm not doing it as a NC type thing; I just noticed I'll reach a mental point where I decide it's a good time to sort of back off and I'll do my own thing... my cycle looks something like: at least twice a quarter, I'll meet girls I could be compatible with (i.e. I want to get in either her head or her pants, and it's feasible); we'll play around with each other with flirty gestures, texts & the like; we'll go on 3 - 7 dates; get really intimate; have "the, where is all this headed, talk" then I'll back off & let it fizzle out. again, i'm not concerned, since my romantic life isn't my main focus right now; but I have to admit, I'm curious if my pattern is normal. Either you're not very into these women or you're what I'd call "not relationship material" ---at least not right now. I'm not sure if it's "normal" --- not normal for people who are good for LTRs, and interested, I'd say.
lenny Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I've noticed a similar cycle in myself. Outside of my baby daddy and my current guy, I'd date someone, be very much into them for the first 4 - 6 weeks and be done with them by the 2 month mark - the interest just wasn't there for me to want to be with them any more. I went into a place where I really didn't want to get involved with anyone (these breakups were really tough) and loved being single when I stumbled into my current guy. I'm shocked that we made it to six months and we aren't going anywhere else in the forseeable future.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 Who initiates the "where is this going" talks and how positive are the outcomes of those? i've initiated in all 2010 instances; we'll confess feelings for each other; I'll remind that my post grad ambitions will likely involve me moving away; they'll respond with either "well... we can just see what happens" or "I'm okay with that." or (just once) "how do you feel about long distance relationships." objectively speaking, I believe I may be defending myself from getting into a relationship, so as not to (potentially) allow a woman the access needed to stab me in the back; ala my ex wife. don't misunderstand, I'm over the ex battle-axe; but as a result of that very necessary, yet traumatic, episode in my life, I've developed much different standards for those I let the furthest in. perhaps I'm not "ready" for a relationship. if not; that's abesolutely fine by me, for now. truth be told, I'd rather not hurt another women's emotions because of my own selfish desires to play or manipulate. ...guess I'm not a fully recovered nice guy just yet. moral upchuck's from time-to-time really suck.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 You sound pretty conflicted there, guy. keen observation, counselor. now make with the useful advice before I utter the taboo word-- it starts with a "p" & ends with an "ono". don't make me do it, star.
2sure Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I think the normal time line of meeting someone, dating, and having it fizzle out for whatever reason is supposed to be 3 months. That seems like a natural and reasonable amount of time to know, if nothing else, that they are not the ONE. For a person who is not seeking a long term commitment, for whom at least it is not a priority...it seems natural and reasonable to me that a shorter time line would occur.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 I think the normal time line of meeting someone, dating, and having it fizzle out for whatever reason is supposed to be 3 months. That seems like a natural and reasonable amount of time to know, if nothing else, that they are not the ONE. For a person who is not seeking a long term commitment, for whom at least it is not a priority...it seems natural and reasonable to me that a shorter time line would occur. I concur, doc. thanks for the clean bill.
january2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 i've initiated in all 2010 instances; we'll confess feelings for each other; I'll remind that my post grad ambitions will likely involve me moving away; they'll respond with either "well... we can just see what happens" or "I'm okay with that." or (just once) "how do you feel about long distance relationships." objectively speaking, I believe I may be defending myself from getting into a relationship, so as not to (potentially) allow a woman the access needed to stab me in the back; ala my ex wife. don't misunderstand, I'm over the ex battle-axe; but as a result of that very necessary, yet traumatic, episode in my life, I've developed much different standards for those I let the furthest in. perhaps I'm not "ready" for a relationship. if not; that's abesolutely fine by me, for now. truth be told, I'd rather not hurt another women's emotions because of my own selfish desires to play or manipulate. ...guess I'm not a fully recovered nice guy just yet. moral upchuck's from time-to-time really suck. I had a fling with a guy with a similar background: post-grad with potential to relocate on graduation, (recently) divorced, lots of previous STRs. It's worth bearing in mind that even if you're upfront at the beginning, some women will still think that they will be "the one" to change your mind/hook you. And even if you invest very little into the relationship and are confused/flaky and give mixed signals, some women will still be drawn in and eventually get hurt when you pull away. Regarding your ex-wife, presumably you don't want to make the same mistake again, which, from my experience, is a natural response from those who've recently come out of LTRs and marriages, particularly ones that ended badly. I wonder if you trigger when the woman you're seeing exhibits anything that reminds you of your ex-wife and this starts the process of distancing yourself from the current relationship rather than riding it out and seeing if there are other qualities that outweigh that one attribute. If you're serious about an LTR relationship, I suggest that you hold off all relationships until you're more stable in your own life and you've figured out what you want out of it (that is, wait until you've graduated and you're on the first rung of your career ladder) or accept that you're only going to be able to do STRs, flings and ONSs because in your current emotional mindset and situation, that's all you can offer. Wow, that was cathartic. Thanks.
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