Not sure if I should continue my relationship or not!

[Marina09]

Hello everyone!

 

First of all thanks for reading. This is my first post about the relationship I have in the present time. Ok, I have a dilemma and this is the reason why. My current boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. This is the most serious relationship I've been in. Since the first day we clicked and the chemistry, in all aspects, is great. He gets along with my family, friends, I like his family and friends too, and things have gotten pretty serious. Our families already met and we spent the holidays together, we've traveled together. So far, so good. We have our fights here and there but nothing serious.We have even talked about living together next year and then getting married. I must say that I love him like I've never loved before, what I feel for him goes beyond what I've felt before, and the connection, communication and fun we have is incredible. I LOVE HIM! The problem is today I found out he lied to me about some stuff I consider to be serious. He was married before to a girl for 1 year. They divorced and after that, he told me, he had no other serious relationships. The thing is that today talking about his divorce and doing the math I told him that he had been single for longer than he told me, and he said it was before he had lied to me about not having a serious girlfriend after his divorce. Why I don't like this? I don't care what happened before me, but I do care that he lied to me about it all this time. And today talking to him I found out sometimes he told me his ex wife was his ex girlfriend and he told me stories about both of them like if they were one. He even lied to me about his ex wife's age, he told me she was 3 years older than him and she was actually younger and the ex girlfriend was the one older. Its complicated to explain, but the point is, he didn't lie to me only at the beginning, he lied to me until now when I confronted him about the dates not coinciding. He told me he didn't tell me because he wanted to keep that away from me cause thats a bad story about his life and something he regrets (he even lived with her for some months, by the way it was really dramatic story), but I told him I was very honest with him since day one and he wasn't and should have been no matter how horrible the truth was. Now this raises the issue of trust. I don't know if I can trust him again the way I did, I know this lie dint have anything to do with our relationship, but the fact that he acted so naturally all the time when lying to me puzzles me. At the moment we were talking I felt the need to end this relationship because I think he can lie to me again and again. But at the same time I love him and I can't imagine myself without him... I don't know what to do. He claims he has never lie to me about something that is ours, and he says he will tell me all the truth about everything from now on. I don't know if I'm being immature or I'm right, so thats why I would like to get some advice from you guys so I can have different feedback from people of different ages. By the way I'm 22 and he is 29.

 

PLEASE HELP!!!

[PegNosePete]

It sounds to me that it was a little white lie which got a bit out of control. Most likely he told you about it when you first started dating and wanted to downplay his history. I guess quite a few people do that. But then as you got more serious, he had to carry on with it, in effect he gaslighted himself as well.

 

I think there are only a couple of things that could be relevant:

- How long before you guys started dating, did he split up from his last GF?

- How long after his wife did he get with his GF? Did he cheat on his wife?

 

I think if you get satisfactory answers to these questions, then it's simply a stupid thing he said which grew out of control. Forgive him, and move on. But if either of these questions cause suspicion, then the lie is more serious, and you need to talk about it more.

[Space Ritual]

Wow so sorry to hear about this trouble. I know this may seem counter to what you feel at this point, but something as important as this should be carefully considered before moving any further in this relationship. I suppose to some it may not seem like a big thing or a "forgive and forget scenario", but I don't think I could deal with it for very long knowing he has bamboozled you for so long.

 

I think you have to realize that if he lied so easily about such a thing, what other shoe will eventually drop. If I were you I would seriously reconsider moving any farther with this man. You are now going to have more questions and I do not think he will be able to explain himself as since you have already written here, the seed of doubt is forever planted.

 

A hard choice to be sure. But always remember no matter what anyone tells you, most people tell lies to protect themselves, no somebody else. And it certainly applies here, IMHO.

 

I'd press the issue, you have nothing to lose, except potentially a disasterous future with someone you can't trust. Best of Luck